Dear Frank (it's about Steve (Chris)), even though you are just a hotdog who gives love advice in a short film that Chris has made. I feel like you of all people, or hotdogs, would understand where I am coming from and how I feel. I can't explain it at all. If someone asked me how i feel, I would say I don't know, ask me later. If someone asked me later how I feel, I would say I don't know, I have never felt like this before. While confusion becomes a painted mask that clearly clads their face, nothing but a wide grin appears smeared over mine. How can you describe the skips of your heart as he grabbed your hand for the first time? How can you even begin to explain the butterflies that flit and flutter around your stomach as he smiles down at you before a small kiss. How can I explain a feeling I have never felt before? I can't. No one can. And that is not a bad thing, in fact, quite the contrary. He gives me the most amazing pallet of feelings to which my heart had never been accustomed to. Now, whether this is just some strange fantasy that my mind has twisted into a beautiful scenario that makes me feel better, or if he actually has feelings for me, who knows? Maybe I will never know. But let me tell you a little about him. He has the biggest heart in the world, kindness and caring are probably the first words that will come out of anyone's lips when they talk about him. He truly cares about my well being and my safety. Another thing? When he has his arms wrapped around my shoulder, or on my waist, or even when he is just holding my hand, I can feel my heart beat faster, my tongue swell up, my hands begin to sweat, and I begin to over think everything. His lips? It's like taking a peek into the future. A future that I would want for myself with him in it. Want to know more? He's incredibly smart and talented. His camera set up gives me a head ache just to look at, but he always gives me small jobs so that I can feel that I have some sort of importance to the trip haha. He gets a little easily discouraged, but it's nothing that is absolutely horrible, it's sweet and shows he is passionate. One of my favorite things about him is when he has a shoot to do, he gets this adorable face while he sticks out his tongue very slightly. Genuine, funny, loving, personable, good listener, interesting, all around wonderful to be around.
When I look around warped tour at the girls that he talks to I know that they see it too and my stomach hurts from watching the way they look at him. He is so incredibly gorgeous, more so than anyone I have ever seen, but I don't know if he knows that or would even believe me if I told him.
Veronica, my travel partner, asked me about warped prom, it's like a casual-formalish dance at the end of the tour. She asked me if Ryan, Jackie, or Chris asked me to go with them who I would pick. I picked Chris. Even as she threw in more names to the pool, Chris was my number one pick. Will he ever go to prom? No, probably not. He doesn't really like crowds, which is fine.
However, it's strange. I have this feeling that he doesn't see any of this at all, that this connection I feel between him and I might be something pulled straight from a fairy-tale, or something that I have created myself in my head. That him and I just so happened to meet and become such good friends and then go on to be "dating?" and then "breaking up?"
He doesn't really say much of anything about his feelings to me, so it makes me worry that I won't ever be able to know how he truly feels before I move to San Antonio. Even though it'd be long distance, I am crazy for him. He stole my heart with one kiss, stole my soul with his lips. Does long distance even work? Or is that something guys make up so that when something does happen they can just say "see babe. Long distance just doesn't work out!" I just can't read him and I wish that I could. I love to hear his voice and his laugh. They are comforting when I hear them.
I know this is a lot, but who is this for? No one haha. Oh! And when he calls me babe or baby or sweetheart or sugar. My heart melts on the inside, and I just get this really dumb look spread across my face when it happens. Do you know what it is? Veronica says it's love at first sight and that God put us together on purpose. That I got the chance to go on tour only so that God could put us together, see as we met each other on tour.
One of the craziest things about this whole ordeal, because I am not religious at all. Is that for the first time in over two years, I actually prayed. And I even made an appearance in a church.
As I prayed, as I kneeled down in a pew and crossed my hands in front of me, while the church was empty and I stood alone. I prayed. And as I did I thanked God for putting Chris into my life and apologized for doubting the plans he had set for me in life. Am I religious now? No, I still don't go to church, and I have not prayed since then, but when the world around me is quiet... I thank whoever is listening.
Is this love? Who knows what it is or what it could be. But Frank, I gotta tell ya... I really hope it's something.
Yours truly,
A friend.