Imperfect. The only word that seemed to describe me. No matter how much I modified myself I still felt the same. If I changed my hair or my makeup it was still the same. New wardrobe, new me, right? Wrong. Dieting, working out, tears and sweat; it all felt pointless because I was still imperfect.  It wasn’t always like this, but being bullied changes how you look at yourself.

The taunting started in fifth grade and into sixth grade when I moved to a new school in a new city. It didn’t all start at once but slowly it started to get more aggressive. It escalated from an “Ew!” as I passed, to someone walking up to me and telling me I was a waste of space on this earth and how I was disgusting to look at.  Then it started happening everyday, in class, recess, and even after school. I felt like I couldn’t escape it, but I managed to hold on until finally, the school year ended; it was summer. I would be in seventh grade the next fall and I had just a glimpse of hope that maybe middle school would change my life. New kids, new teachers, fresh start. But in the meantime, summer was my time to escape the bullying...or so I thought.

Ask.fm was the new summer trend. It is an online social network that allows you to send questions to anyone with an account and they can answer them whenever they’d like. The only catch; you can remain anonymous. Little did I know that when I got an account, I’d be opening up the door for a new level of bullying. Not even a week after I got my Ask.fm, it was hacked. I didn’t know what was happening. Suddenly I was receiving dozens of questions and I decided to check my account. My name was changed, as well as my introduction bio, and the questions were horrific.

I began to read through them slowly, one by one. Every word was being etched into my head and every insult hurting just as much as the last. “Fat” and “Ugly” were just the beginning. I memorized the comments. No matter how repetitive or ridiculous the comments sounded, they stung just the same. Every comment telling me what I already knew at the point. I did not know if it was my best friend or my worst enemy doing this, I became even more tangled up in the idea that someone, maybe more than one person, thought I was a tragic waste of space. That’s when I realized I wasn’t even safe at home. The bullies had penetrated my safe place, and now I was trapped. They had the control as they continuously pounded negative thoughts and ideas into my head. I had never felt so low in my life. I was scared to tell anyone, it was probably my fault I thought. In my head, I had done something to deserve this. I started to believe everything they said.

I tried to delete my account but they changed my password and I couldn’t. The questions kept pouring in and the answers began to be just as hurtful. Each one calling me a name or reminding me how worthless and imperfect I was. I felt disgusted with myself. Not only could I not do anything to stop it, but not one person tried to stand up for me. No one said “this was bullying”, “this is wrong”, or even “stop.” I had never felt so low before, I felt numb to anything but pain. Bullies had taken away everything from me. I was nothing, nothing but a flawed human.

My self-esteem plummeted. I was faking a smile, but inside I was torn to shreds.  I felt like I was the definition of ugly. I lost every bit of self confidence and nothing hurt worse than hating myself. I wasn’t good enough. Bullies took my happiness away by pointing out my every flaw.  From the moment I read that first question, I knew I would never look at myself the same. I am wondering if I will ever recover.