1. My first question, can I have one? 2. The first time we made cookies together, I broke an egg on my head because I thought it was hilarious. 3. She buys you your favorite stuffed elephant, you still have it. 4. 5. She;s still there. She walked you to class on the first day of school. 6. You had no friends that summer because you were always with her. It was the summer where mornings turned into nights, and back into mornings. 7. She teaches you how to ride a bike, because all the other kids can. Summer and winter, sun and snow, but there’s still one thing for sure you know. She’s here. 8. 9. 10. Six years and counting until I could drive. The one we both looked forward to, her and I. 100 balloons on my bedroom floor, pink flowers and gum, and a note on my door. I’m so happy I could cry but I won’t because I’m only 10, I’ll wait until I’m, 11. Things start changing, but you’re only 11 what do you know? 12. 12:12 she squeezes my hand and cries cause the cancers starting to show. My birthday lunch was hospital food, but that’s okay because I was with you. 13. September 13, 2013 a Friday ironic I know. I hold back tears when they say I have to go. Surgery again, nobody aloud, so I sit in the waiting room trying not to break down. 14. Another day in that hospital room with bright yellow walls that makes my future feel doomed. It’s the middle of summer but my body feels number then ever because you're stuck in that chair more hurt than ever before! A hat on your head where you used to have hair, dark circles under your eyes, where hope used to lie but now the only one lying is me when I say I’d be okay without you! 15. 15 more years you could’ve come to my wedding. 15 more months you could’ve been there when I got my license. 15 more days, you could’ve come to my party. 15 more minutes I might’ve said something without crying. But I don’t have 15 of anything, no I don’t have 15 of anything now that you're gone! 14. June 14th your birthday. 13. My least favorite number since that friday of September, when they took you away from me for the first time, but not the last. 12. I’d rather eat hospital food with you on my birthday then eat all this food people brought for me because of you. 11. Tears of joy turn into tears of pain and hurting because this was one of my biggest fears and now my worst reality. I’m running and running and hiding and 10. You barely missed my birthday. The one we both looked forward to me and you. I dread it now. 9. 8. 7. It’s not just the bike anymore. It’s the busses and trains and cars, and nothing can get me to where you are, and everything I do reminds me of you! 6. There’s a bonfire tonight and all my friends are going. Not me. I just want to sit here and think about the time when it was just me and you. The summer where mornings turned into nights, and back into mornings again. 5. 5 is the n of a and the answer to my math problem. It’s just a number, but it makes me want to cry because it reminds me of you walking me to class on the first day of school and I started crying because I wasn’t ready to go to school because I was only 5 years old and I was just a little girl! 4. 3. The purple elephant from the back of my closet sits on my bed looking sadder than me hanging his head. 2. I made cookies and brought them to your funeral. 1. 1 more question. What am I going to do without you? You wiped tears from my eyes and whispered, “Something amazing.” Zero.