He was always around, my role model. I could talk to him about anything in the world. We seemed to think alike. Everyone would say I was a replica of him. We would laugh and joke being with him I felt complete. He was my protector, I looked up to him. We were together every day and I just loved coming home to his warm welcomes. He was so cool, calm, and collective which is why I act the way I do. I felt most comfortable when he was in my presence. I never dreamt that one day he’d be gone.

No call, no note, and no apology. There was no longer any warm welcome. The person I had told everything to left my life. I would sit in my room and think to myself…  “Was he ever coming back?  Would I ever see him again? Did he miss me as much as I missed him?”  Those thoughts dawned on me then and have stayed with me for years.

I didn’t hear from him for a while and I hadn’t seen him in what seemed like forever. Who was I going to talk to about all my problems now that he was gone? With this new found emptiness I began to keep to myself. Over time, I began to get used to the fact that he was gone. As time went on, I built up a wall that said I was okay on the outside, but only I knew that I wasn’t.

Many birthdays were missed and holidays passed. I sometimes forget that he was ever around to begin with because I became so accustomed to the way I live. In the years we did spend together, he taught me lots of valuable lessons that I still carry with me today. He was a strong minded man, and very knowledgeable I was fascinated by how deep his mind was his thoughts were so empowering and motivational. Even though all I have is memories of the times we used to share, for some reason, only the good ones came to mind.

Now that I am older, I understand a lot more. People ask me how I feel about him not being around, but honestly there is no longer a feeling there, nor a word to describe it. I feel “normal”. Since I am older, my mind is more developed. Now I no longer resent him; that resentment mysteriously has become respect. I understand that things happen in life that we don’t always agree with, and holding on to anger isn’t the way to deal with my problems.

Even though he ran out on his baby girl, I do not hate him. Even though there are lots of unanswered questions, I appreciate the time we did get to spend with one another. Despite all of the emptiness and abandonment that I used to feel, I learned to let it go; let go of the pain, let go of the grudges, let go of the hurt. I’ve wiped my tears, picked my head up and broken down the wall.

“Dad, I Forgive You”…