I remember it so clearly. The last few days at home. Packing my suitcase, saying goodbye to most of my friends and crying while at the same time being so excited. It was the last night in my own bed, the last night in my own house. The last night of home.

Schiphol Airport. Amsterdam. Aug. 12, 2015. It was time to go. I had waited more than a year for this moment, but I couldn’t help myself from feeling horrible. This was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. When I saw all of my friends and family standing on the other side of the line, I knew that this would be the last time I would see them for ten months.

I arrived in New York to spend three days with other exchange students from all over the world. I made international friends for life there. The time spent in New York was amazing and those days were the only days in my year so far that I have not been homesick.

The first two weeks of my exchange year were a nightmare, because of the problems I was experiencing with my host family. I transferred to my current host family where my exchange year finally began.

It has been 174 days since I left my town. My home. I still think that this is the best decision I’ve ever made. I wanted to experience the American dream, and I’m still doing that. It is more than I ever hoped for. I’m enjoying almost every moment of my exchange year, but that does not mean that I don’t miss home. I miss home every second of every day.

It’s hard for me to realize that life goes on back home. I still have the idea that everything stopped when I left to experience American High School. That nothing ever changed, or continues to change. That everything will be the exact same way since the day I left. It’s hard for me to understand and realize that their life goes on, with or without me.

Being an exchange student is like riding a never ending rollercoaster of emotions. I can go from the happiest person I have ever known to the most depressed human being on earth. I have never felt so loved by the people around me, but I’ve also never felt so alone. There are moments where I just want to book the first flight home because the homesickness keeps getting worse and worse.

I still have two shirts in my suitcase that I have yet to wear. They smell like home. They manage to make me feel like I’m home again, even for just a moment. When I close my eyes I can see my house, the fireplace with my dog in front of it, dinners with my family, and the beautiful sunsets in my garden.

What I miss the most about home is not being able to share this experience with the people I love the most: my parents, family and closest friends. During the moments that I enjoy this year the most, including partaking in Thanksgiving and Christmas, playing the part of the queen in “Cinderella” and making various achievements, I am also so emotional. I wish those I love could be here to see it. That they don’t have to hear what it’s like. That they can see and feel what it’s like.

Being an Exchange Student is way harder than I expected. It’s way harder than everybody thinks. The constant feeling of missing your parents, family and friends. The constant feeling of missing home. Accomplishing things without anyone there to see it. Living in another continent for ten months without one day of feeling like I’m home.

This year is extremely hard, but I will never regret this decision that I made. Experiencing this is my biggest dream. I’ve learned so much in these months. My English has improved so much that I feel more comfortable talking in English instead of Dutch. I learned to step out of my comfort zone. I never knew who I was as a person, and what I wanted in life.  Now I  got to know the real me and my biggest wishes. I never expected to get this far, but I did. I’m proud of that.

They say that an exchange year changes a person. It’s supposed to make people stronger, more independent, more grown up. It has and it will continue to do so. This exchange year changed me. I’m not the same person. I became a better version of myself. A version that I never thought I was able to be. And I’m so grateful for that.

I still have 118 days left in the United States of America. 118 days left in America until I see my parents, family, and friends. 118 days left until I will be home again.