I remember there was a time when you were happy. I never saw it coming. I am a girl with a complicated life but it’s so far under the surface... you’d never know. But it’s okay really because sometimes having a complicated life gives you something to live for, but sometimes, it makes me wish I wasn’t alive because if I wasn’t alive maybe I wouldn’t have met you and maybe I wouldn’t have left you and maybe I’d be happy and not so... artificial. But on the other hand what’s wrong with smiling even when you don’t want to? I remember you moved in and sat across from me at church. I kept looking over at you and my dad and I were rating you from 1 to 10 and hot to not and I picked up on all the physical attributes. You were about as tall as me maybe a little taller, you looked strong but not necessarily built and your smile, oh God your smile. Well I didn’t actually meet you that day because I had to leave early and I never caught your name but even if I had I probably would’ve forgotten because I have a horribly awful memory but I remembered your smile and your eyes but mostly your smile because I remembered it when I cried and I’m not sure why... but I didn’t feel like crying anymore. And I remember the first thing I said to you wasn’t ‘Hello’ or ‘Hi’ and it wasn’t my name it was ‘I like your tie’ and I didn’t really. I mean it’s not that I dislike it, it was just not... standoutish. But I had to say something but now I wish it was hi. Just because it’s simpler and I live a complicated life and I didn't want you to see that so I hid it inside and than you never trusted me and I’m sorry mostly because I know why. Maybe though, you didn’t trust me because I always had something to hide and it was never necessarily a lie... Just never really the whole truth. Well I want to be a doctor and I try to study hard, but even when I’ve spent hours studying there are things I can’t remember. I can’t figure everything out and me and you and you and me, well, we were one of them and although that has nothing to do with being a doctor it still takes up the most room in my mind and I wish I could figure it out... but I can’t. I told you I was sorry and I am and you smiled and when you smile my heart breaks because you are falling in love again but it wasn’t with me and she made you smile so please! Please try to forget the times I ignored you. Please try to forget the times that I left you, and please try to forget all the wrong that I have done you, please. I never could as you if you had forgotten the warmth of my touch or the touch of my skin but when I ask her she whispers, ‘you don’t know him’. Oh but I do and I think you know too that even though you often forget my name or how to say hi, I know that you remember because you still wear that tie. I really did love you and I know you're not sure why but I had a crying mother on the phone and I had to save his life. And saving his life nearly killed me when you kissed my best friend you and still couldn’t see that you were still the one... that was killing me. I waved and you smiled but you never said my name, and I get it, I’m sorry, I hate me too somedays. You talked to me once after 5 months of silence and you said my name the same and I really tried to fight it. But how do  you fight away feelings that never left? You kissed me and you smiled. My grandma could see it and she said ‘Baby stop lying’ and I’v3e always been good at trying but never good at crying and I’m really good at lying and I’m sorry... and you smiled. I have been a good person with bad standards and you've felt the backlash but I hate to see you sad. You say I don’t believe you, and I’m sorry, you smiled. Well you’ve always been someone worth calling but I still have to convince my shadow that I’m someone worth following, but she sticks around most days but sometimes it’s cloudy and I think that shadows can get sad too because sometimes I see her crying but then I realize it’s a mirror, not a shadow. I live a complicated life but I’ve never been depressed and I’ve never thought to hrt myself but I’ve never been scared of dying. I was always talking and you were always watching and we were completely incompatible we were a a pair set up to be destroyed but fighting was never my thing so I ran away when I saw you cry. So even if you don’t believe me, this is my endless call for help, I love you and I’m sorry, and I can’t find the right words to say so all I can say is it’s cold outside, so don’t forget your coat. And you smiled.