She smiled fondly or cringed awkwardly whenever the word came up in conversation.

Childhood.

Back then, the days were so routine that they almost seemed to blur together into a golden reel of memories. There was time to waste on putting all of her effort into an assignment that she knew the teacher would read and mockingly call “professional.” Those were the days of loving everyone until her heart felt as if it was bursting at the seams, even though it never showed through her odd jokes and erratic behavior. It was strange; she realized that back then no one worried about whether they wore the most expensive clothes, and no one thought about how long the forever in “BFF” would actually last. She could not claim that she was not guilty of this as well, for there were many people who she promised would remain in her heart, although not all of them had stayed.

Looking back, they still seemed like the most beautiful of the lies she had ever told.

She often remembered the days when she enjoyed everything she engaged in and everyone that she spent time with. She remembered that one Sunday she had spent celebrating the end of a recreational soccer season, even though they had lost most of their games. Back then, the world seemed limited to her small and practically unknown town. The only problems that existed were her own, and anyone else who said differently would be ignored.

It wasn’t until she saw her beloved great-grandmother disappear from her life that she finally understood. She could still recall the afternoons she had spent with her baking chocolate cakes and exploring the old shop she used to run in the 40s, but those days were over, only memories now.

Even the best people with the biggest hearts could be swept away in an instant, leaving behind a never-ending sense of longing to see them once again.

It was then that she began seeing the world the way adults viewed it; the way it really was.

Dark, frightening, difficult, cold.

Every day, news reporters would speak of a new unnecessary death, with fake smiles plastered on their faces and false sentiments in their voice. People hated each other, for reasons that she could only interpret as reasons to love them all the more. She didn’t understand. And she had to prepare.

She now knew of the blind rage and the critical hatred of the world, and she knew that if she wasn’t prepared, then the world would defeat her in the same way it seemed to do to all of the weak. She put up her wall of stone, and was able to return the melancholy of the world with full force. To her, that was the only option; to steel herself against the waves and wait for lighter tides. It wasn't something she looked forward to, but she knew of no other option. It was useless. She knew the world would break her rigid self if she didn’t change. Change eluded her until one day, she saw the spark.

That spark that allowed her to get back on her feet, after being knocked down relentlessly time and time again. That spark that made her look forward to things she would have considered ridiculous at one time. Things, like sitting on a lakeside porch, discussing fond memories from high school, like her crazy teachers and fellow students and Donald Trump’s presidential campaign, at the age when her mother would classify her as old and senile. That light had gotten her out of bed at ungodly hours, to prepare for school and try her hardest even when all she wanted to do was to curl up into a ball and admit defeat to the world. Instead of being prepared to simply allow the waves to knock her down again and again, she learned to look forward to diving into them and exploring the deep ocean.

Though, she did wonder if all of the things she had come to hope for would come to life, in the same beautiful way that they played out in her imagination. She worried that she was diving into rough waters, that she would be so dedicated to moving forward that she would not be able to reach the surface again. But still, she had faith in her new dreams that were brought about by that spark she now saw every day. That spark had lit her way, and she regarded it as the best thing that had ever happened to her, and she could never be more thankful.

But would all the beautiful things it promised her ever come to life?

Only time would tell.