I enjoy reading alone. I enjoy singing alone. I enjoy drawing alone. I enjoy playing my ukulele alone. I enjoy thinking alone. I simply like being alone. However, that does not mean that I enjoy being lonely. Often I’ve walked the halls seeing a couple caress each other and hold one another in each other’s arms, or friends doing things I wish my friends and I could do.

The feeling of loneliness isn’t what many think it is. It isn’t wanting to sit alone or wanting to have anybody in their life to feel close to. It’s reaching out for someone to sit with, to talk to, to feel connected with. 
When feeling lonely, you long for serendipity; the act of finding something good without you looking for it. Instead, you feel like the Titanic; slowly sinking each second, getting colder and further into the water to be lost forever.

You feel like an outcast like Quasimodo and Esmeralda, running from your loneliness named Judge Claude Frollo; you want to get away and find sanctuary.

You feel like a lioness who's alpha ignores her, and won't show her the care and compassion her mate should show. 
There are times where I feel the world is against me, like everything I say or do can be used as another weapon in some war, and I’m losing. Other times, I’m at war with myself.

You’re idolized.
You’re despised.
You’re wanted.
You’re best out of the way.
Then the feeling of wanting to be alone.

My friends have often gotten mad at me because I didn’t want to hang out at their houses. I’ve made up lies or thought of what plans I had those days to avoid going just to relax and spend my time as my time.

“This Saturday we’re going to hang out at my place.”

“Oh,” I think quick, “I can’t I’ll be helping my dad with something this weekend.’

Or, “I can’t I made plans with another friend.”

Many will think that wanting to be alone is what’s making me lonely. That’s not the case at all. 

There are times where I just want to be in a park, or some nature filled area and watch the birds fly or the squirrels run up the trees. I wanna watch them fly and soar into the wide unknown to their own individual paths, just as I will do my own someday.

I know I sound like I’m pleading for help, but I am okay. I’m learning little by little that being alone doesn’t mean I’m lonely, but being lonely doesn’t mean that I’m alone.