Discoveries and more I've found everyday.
Some bad, some plain and fine.
Through it all, I've seen what hurts others and what benefits them.
Thus, I just hope I'm beneficial. I hope I'm a good friend. But I seem so flighty, so meek, so strange, and so sudden.
I'm either there or I'm not.
And I wonder what others think of that.
Selfish? Stand-off-ish? Yeah, probably both.
But that's not my intention. That's not my goal.
I'm thinking of this because I slinked around a student today.
He's someone peers believe to be the next "school shooter."
All I meant to do was let him go ahead of me first in the lunch line.
But he thought I was afraid of him when I cowered behind, and said "You know you don't have to sneak around me all the time."
I remembered back to all of the times I put my head down walking past him in the hallway. I think it was because he was looking at me. Eye contact is often a weakness. I love the eyes, but it takes a couple of tries before I can glance in every passing.
And now I'm upset, because I must seem like a quiet screamer around everyone.
Which sucks because maybe that's just what I am.
And there's another special-needs-kid I know - a wonderful, kind, young man. My age. He's so friendly to everyone.
One time last year, he came up and said to me, "You're hot."
"Thanks," is what I responded with in an uneasy, deep voice.
And one day this year, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Politely, I told him no. 
He asked me again another day not too long after, "Will you be my girlfriend?"
"Sorry, but no," I replied uncomfortably. I was a mouse cornered by some cat.
And I consider myself that same rodent now, because every time he shouts my name with a pleasant wave in the hall, squeakily, I say, "Hi!" before scurrying away; I can't face his little crush for me because it hurts me too much to have to say no to someone I don't feel that way for.
Maybe it's because I know the feeling. Rejection sucks, man.
But no matter the case, I fear the burden I'm setting onto others.
I fear the reputation, my past, and my future.
All I want to do is the right thing.
All I want to say is the right thing.
And in trying to do so for the sake of everyone, I find that it would hurt someone else to be unkind.
And I find that it hurts me to be overly friendly.
But even by staying true to myself - with the quirks of diffidence and outbursts of sarcasm - it's like I seem so fake, so idiotic, and like so much of a jerk.
I'm saying I'm sorry to anyone who faces me and realizes my discomfort is apparent.
But lately, I've had a hard time tuning in, and tuning out.
It's tough finding your place when you're not really popular among crowds, nor are you unnoticed. I'm in-between, and I'm okay with that part of it.
I'm definitely seen.
I'm definitely observed.
But at the same time, I'm watching all of these faces in the hopes that, one day, I can just be everybody's friend and get to share the love of the world and all of the things we see and feel everyday.
But unfortunately, most don't want to get so close. Most don't want to wait around to see the deeper side of me.
And if they do? I don't. I push them away when I don't feel ready to share.
It takes me forever to want to lend a hand.
I wish it didn't, but it does.
Trusting isn't my greatest strength. I don't really rely on anyone enough to share my whole world with.
One day, that'll change - I know it - but right now, remaining a closed bottle is what I've been pressured into.
Every once in a while, the cap tips off and I spill out a little.
But I like the days better when all of it empties out.
I like when I cry so hard that my tears burn my face.
Because that's when I'm empty again and ready to have the source replenished.
I've let go of something.
I'd much rather pour out then jam anything else inside of a bottle so close to bursting.
Unfortunately, there's never enough time to cry when you've always got to look strong for someone.
So sometimes, when the halls are empty, I'll wear a wrinkled face.
And sometimes, when the stalls are empty, I'll whimper with the door closing me in.
I guess I can't wait to cry on someone's shoulder instead.
I can't wait to grow close to someone who I don't have to be scared of. Someone I can trust. Someone who would simply sip out some of that water so I don't have to hold it in so tight.
And when that being comes to me, I'll come to share, and we'll present the wonders that have both killed and have enlightened.
Just so you know, I already love everyone. I just want to love you even more.