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They'll already know by the end

October 24, 2023

By , Visalia, California

More by this author

1

It happened again, the dream. The same dream I’ve been having for as long as I can remember. I was running around this empty void, I was running from a boy who looked like me, just more in an inverted filter. He eventually teleported in front of me and was about to strike. That’s when I woke up. It was September 1st, 1939 when Hitler invaded Poland. That was when the war began and where all sorts of chaos would happen following that. My father was a member of the Nazi party and he only hid my mother for un-family-friendly reasons.

My house didn’t have a radio because they were pretty expensive at the time. Because of this, my mother would send me to get newspapers for her so that she could know how the war is going. My father believed that the Nazis and the axis would win, meanwhile me and my mother prayed for the war to soon be over. I went downtown to the local newspaper seller. He didn’t charge much for them, just five German marks.

“Alfred, I knew you’d be here!” He exclaimed.

“Yeah, my mom keeps sending me here, has the war ended yet?” I asked (it was 1940).

“Afraid not.” He replied to me.

I arrived home with the newspaper. Me and my mother read the newspaper. There wasn’t much that was interesting about it, just a bunch of stuff with the Nazis. Regardless of how interesting it was or wasn’t, anything we could get on what was going on was a win.

My father was on to us, though. He kept threatening my mother to turn her in if she didn’t do what she was told, he did the same thing with me. My father forced me to join the Hitler Youth Program (HYP). My mother tried to protest against it, because I looked full German and therefore was the only one who could get the newspapers for her, not to mention if I was found out by the children or the staff there, I’d be dead.

I went to the HYP. I met my counselor there, apparently he knew about my father. He and his wife, who was doing the same thing as him but for girls, was hiding a Jewish girl named Abigail.

How did I meet Abigail? Well there’s no way I could forget that magical moment.

I was sitting in the woods, I sketched the trees and birds around me. There were two butterflies, one was black and one was a sky-blue color. I was sketching them and everything else out when a girl approached me.

“You like sketching landscapes too?” She asked.

“Only when I’m stressed.” I replied.

“Why would you be stressed?” She asked.

I sighed and decided there was no way out of it and admitted, “Because I’m half-Jewish.”

“I’m full Jewish.” She admitted to my surprise.

Me and Abigail got along. They soon planned to escape Germany soon and she promised that she would take me and my mother with them.

Our first day at the HYP we were being taught about what we would learn while there. The boys were learning about how to deal with weapons and the girls were learning about how to tend to wounds and how to get pregnant. Everyone was also taught that the Jews were evil and must be sent to concentration camps.

I wanted to say something, probably even more than just one thing, but I knew that if I opened my mouth, I would immediately be sent to a concentration camp. All I could do was remain silent.

While our counselor was talking, that other more evil version of me paid me a little visit. He tried to get me to kill everyone there. I didn’t want to kill them, I didn’t want to hurt anybody. I ignored him.

I met up with Abigail at this old abandoned shack in the woods. We did Jewish practices there. We read the Torah Scroll together. It was nice hanging out with Abigail. With Abigail there, the weeks and months seemed to only become days, and then I was finally back home. I told mom all about the HYP. She was relieved that I didn’t become some Nazi anti-semtic obsessed kid. I decided not to mention Abigail, since my father was a member of Nazi party.

I was back to delivering the newspaper to my mother. When I got back from buying it, mother and father were arguing pretty badly. They were arguing over something I still don't quite understand. I just left the newspaper on the kitchen table and went up to my room. I bought another newspaper for me to read. I was reading the newspaper when I heard gunshots outside. I had grown quite used to gunshots firing outside and thinking one would shoot through the window causing me to die.

They were hunting a Gypsy woman. I opened my window. The woman was begging and pleading for them to let her go. Despite her pleas, they threw her in a vehicle that I assumed was going to take her and other victimized cultures to a concentration camp.

My dad finally left for work. My mother was cleaning and doing other house chores. I am writing in my diary. I usually did that whenever I was bored or had something I wanted to write about in case people from the future wanted to see what life was like back then. I wrote about my fear of being found.

I would sometimes tell my mother about this fear. She would try her best to reassure me that I would be safe and the fear would soon go away because the war would surely end soon.

I truly wanted to believe that the war would end soon, but it was very hard to do so, especially when the Nazis were on a full rampage in Europe so that hope of this war ending was decreasing lower and lower, and plus even if the war did end, at this rate the Nazis were winning so that wasn’t the greatest thing for Jewish people. As much as my mother tried convincing me that the war was coming to an end, I could tell that even she was afraid of this war never ending, and if it did, end badly.

I decided to ask her about her family. I didn’t think to ask since my father was usually around and he hated when we talked about anything related to my mother’s history or anything about Judaism.

My mother explained to me that she and her family were one of the first Jews to be sent to a concentration camp. My father saved her but only for that reason I mentioned earlier. He had just murdered his previous wife. When she was pregnant with me, my father almost did the same, but he hoped that he could turn me into a Nazi and was upset when he found out that I was half Jewish.

After hearing that I vowed to never live like my father wanted me to live and that I would never act like my father either. I was back in school with Abigail. Almost all the kids somehow figured out that she was Jewish. They didn’t tattle on her but they did make it clear that they didn’t want her around.

I stood up for her. I knew that was risky, especially because I don’t have many friends, I can’t make friends, otherwise if they find out I’m Jewish, I’m dead. The other kids started making fun of me too. I got Abigail out of the room. Everything beyond that day was anything but easy.

Over the weekend, I went to visit Abigail’s house. Her parents were still looking and researching for a way to flee Nazi Germany. When I got there, I saw that Abigail wasn’t in the living room. Her mother and father told me that she’s usually in the attic so that the Germans don’t find her.

I went up into the attic. Abigail was looking through the window. She looked outside. There were fewer buildings and more grass and trees than I have ever seen before. I noticed Abigail had a sketchbook out. She was sketching out the landscape through the window. I walked up towards her. She turned around quickly.

“Alfred? What are you doing here?” She asked.

“I decided to visit you for a bit, my father is busy with the Nazi party.” I replied.

“Aren’t you Half-Jewish?” She asked.

“Yes, but I don’t want to get too deep into it.” I replied.

“I usually sketch by the window whenever I am worried.” Abigail told me.

“You’re worried about the war, aren’t you?” I asked.

“Yes, Yes I am.” She replied, “All these men, women, and children are faced with cruel torture and violence and being torn apart from the ones they love.”

“It’s horrifying to even think that someone would even dare to imagine such horrors.” I said.

Abigail looked like she was about to cry. I pulled her in close into a hug.

“It’ll be alright, I promise, this war will soon be over before we even know it.” I said.

I know I said that I didn’t believe that something like that would be true, but I just wanted to comfort my friend. The attic was dusty but had few spider webs. There were boxes and old photos everywhere. There were few cushions near the window and below the window so I assumed that’s how Abigail slept.

“How long have you been with them?” I asked.

“Almost since this war started. Both me and them were from Poland and fled to Germany not knowing that Germany was the one attacking.” She told me, “ I was separated from my parents who were sent to a concentration camp almost a year later.”

“My mother was sent to a concentration camp, she only survived because my father pulled her out for ‘un-kosher’ reasons.” I said.

“I think I understand what you mean by that.” Abigail said.

I looked through the window. We both saw two birds fly past and towards where we could not see.

“At least those birds can leave this dreadful place.” Abigail said.

“All we can do right now is hope God is on our side.” I said to her.

Me and Abigail locked eyes with each other. The light of the sun reflected off of Abigail’s light brown hair making it look sort of orange. As we locked eyes, our faces were leaning in more towards each other. Just then, Abigail’s parents called us down for dinner. I’ve never had dinner with someone else other than myself.

Me and Abigail decided not to tell her parents about the whole situation in the attic. Both me and Abigail were just friends, nothing more than that. After dinner I decided to go back home, my mother was probably worried sick about me.

When I got home my parents to no surprise were arguing. I thought they wouldn’t recognize me coming home so late but that’s when my father interrupted his own argument just to talk to me.

“Alfred.” He said in his normal voice. He never uses that unless he’s about to beat the hell out of me.

“Y-yes?” I asked, nervous.

“I told you to be home earlier.” He said, picking up his whip.

“Father I’m sorry I—”

“NO EXCUSES!” He yelled at me, hitting me with the whip.

“Hans please!” My mother begged, trying to not let my father hurt me, “He’s just a boy!”

I was 15 at the time by the way.

My father ignored my mother and shoved his arm pushing her aside and even threatened to use his whip on her. He was about to hit her when I got in the way. The whip wrapped around my arm. My arm felt like it was going to collapse. My father started yelling and cursing at me

I then yanked the whip towards the side and out of anger pushed my father hard down on the floor. Realizing what I had done, I knew it was no longer safe for me nor my mother. Me and my mother quickly ran towards the bathroom. I locked the door. My father came running after.

He started banging on the door hard. It was almost as if he was going to knock the whole door and wall down. He kept shouting and cursing at me and my mother. I placed a grandfather clock in front of the door. I then saw a huge window. We were on the second floor. The window had the first floor roof below it. I opened the window and my mother and I crawled out of it. I shut the window behind me so that my father wouldn’t have any clue where we had gone.

2

September 23rd, 1943. Me and my mother were hiding in the streets, the riskiest place to hide. I did know where we could go but I was afraid of leading my father there. My mother and I had to endure the cold nights. I couldn’t bear to see my mother this way. It was supposed to be the son’s job to ensure his mother was okay but I had done the complete opposite. I decided that both me and my mother had no choice but to go hide with Abigail and her family.

Hiding more than one Jew in a small house was a challenge for them, but they knew that they had to do what was right. My mother and Abigail’s mom were in the living room talking over tea.

Me and Abigail were in the attic.

“How come you never told me your father was abusive?” She asked.

“I didn’t want you worrying too much about me.” I said.

“You know you can tell me these things, right?” She asked.

“I do it’s just…” I said.

“Just what?” Abigail asked.

“I don’t know, I just have a hard time telling people this kind of stuff.”

Me and Abigail were sleeping in the same room in the attic. That dream of that evil me kept coming. I didn’t want to kill anyone, let alone hurt anyone. All I wanted was for this war to end. And that didn’t seem to want to happen. The war still raged on.

Food had just ran out. All we had was some lettuce, very little bread and some butter. We weren’t poor, Abigail’s parents just didn’t like to go out as much anymore because of the rumors that only we knew were true (the rumors were that they were hiding a Jew).

I volunteered to go out and buy groceries for them. They gave me 20 German marks. I headed out. I used some of my own money to buy the newspaper, we didn’t really need the newspaper anymore because Abigail’s caretakers had their own radio but I just liked reading them.

Throughout this year the Germans have been losing a bit of land to the allies. This was hope for us. Hope that soon this war would be over and we’d be free to go run and play outside without having to care about anyone wanting to send us to a concentration camp.

As much as I have been avoiding going to a concentration camp, part of me wouldn’t really mind being sent to one. Ever since I’ve been seeing this more eviler version of myself I hadn’t minded dying. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I would sometimes even ask myself, “What is wrong with me?”

I wanted to tell someone about it but he likes me weak and I’m scared he’ll hurt them. I don’t want anyone to get hurt so I keep it to myself. I know it’s not good to build stuff up but I can’t really seem to tell anyone I need help. Maybe I keep convincing myself that I'd be selfish to seek help for myself, despite what others tell me.

But let’s just focus on the positive things for now, Abigail and I have been able to become a lot closer with each other recently. My mom and Abigail’s parents decided to pull me out of school because ever since my father’s criminal case got out, he admitted that both me and my mother were Jewish. We now had to hide in here. There was this secret room only Abigail’s parents knew (Abigail as well) where me and my mother will hide since nobody actually knows that Abigail is Jewish yet (except the kids at school but by now I hope they’ve forgotten). I never knew that anyone knew I was Jewish until yesterday.

June 7th, 1944. Me and my mother were in the secret room. I was reading a book I found on the floor. I enjoyed reading. I actually hope to one day be a famous author, but I think I need to have more life experience to tell a good story, which may come soon considering the events that I am in right now. And if it isn’t that, maybe just a newspaper printing company, a lot of people buy newspapers because they are cheaper than radios or television.

Just then, Abigail came in running in the most cheerful mood I’ve seen her in.

“The allies have stormed Normandy!” She exclaimed right after she took a quick second to catch her breath.

Me and my mother quickly headed up towards the radio. The allies really had stormed Normandy. Thousands of troops were being sent to take down the Nazis. We were all excited, this could actually mean that we were about to be set free from the Nazis once and for all.

Abigail said that once the war is over then we’d finally be able to be ourselves. Both me and my mother were so happy, we’d actually have a shot at seeing the end of this war.

However, the very next day, Nazis were on high alert while patrolling, some would break into houses and check for Jews. I was scared. So scared that I actually insisted that Abigail hide with me and my mother. We were all terrified. Abigail started to cry. I knew that if they heard her crying through the walls they’d know where we were at. I hugged her.

“Shh…” I whispered, “it’s going to be okay, we’ll be fine as long as we don’t make a sound.”

Even if the Nazis did break in, I would sure please my evil side. The Nazis actually ended up finding us. They immediately got their guns out, I put both arms in front of my mother and Abigail.

They then separated us into different concentration camps. I was separated from my mother. Abigail was the same with her parents. They were sent to a concentration camp in Poland called Auschwitz. We were sent to a concentration camp in Northern Germany called Bergen-Belsen.

Abigail was scared out of her mind. We had just received good news just yesterday and now it felt like we were at where we started, only much worse. However, something worse happened. Abigail was sent to be eliminated while I was sent to only be worked to death.

I couldn’t let them take her. I had just lost my mother but I wasn’t going to lose her too. I quickly yanked Abigail from the Nazi’s hand. The Nazi pulled out a revolver and aimed it at her. Right as he shot some sort of tentacle came out from behind me, my body started to slowly look like that evil side of me, I was confused and stressed, everyone backed up. Abigail was by my side yelling and crying words that were blurring out in my mind as my confused tears blurred the world around me.

I kept seeing him, the evil side of me, he kept saying words that were blurry to my ears. I almost felt like I was dying.

When all felt normal, I was outside of the concentration camp, in a hospital bed. My head felt like it had been hit against a tough wall, it hurt a lot. Abigail was at my side of the bed.

“Alfred! Are you okay? What was that?” She asked.

“It’s some sort of anti-side of me.” I replied, “I’ve had him for as long as I remember but I know he’s stronger and able to make me lose full control, did he kill anybody?”

“Yes, a few Nazis, I was somehow able to get the both of us out of that camp, luckily I found people willing to help nearby.” Abigail replied.

“Thanks for helping me out during this.” I told Abigail.

“Of course.” Abigail replied.

As our eyes met once again, the air between us felt electric. Our hands brushed against each other, and in that fleeting moment, we both knew that something special was about to happen. Before we could even process it, our lips met in a tender and unforgettable kiss. We were both overwhelmed by the magic of that moment. Despite our young age of only 16, we felt like we were swept away by a love that would last a lifetime.

The year was now 1945, the war had been improving so far. We were now heading towards the city of Gotenhafen. There were a ton of people who got on, mostly consisting of Poles, Jews, Russians, Germans, and Dutchs.

3