Chase walked home alone, as he did every day, after visiting Payton. He thought about how he was leaving his friend alone. He thought about how he was pushing him to meet new people. Make new friends. How selfish that was. Chase was only doing it because he didn’t want to take care of him any longer. But, Payton needed to make new friends! What if he had worked late that day? Payton could be dead now- Chase stopped. He didn’t want to think about that.

Chase’s life hadn’t been easy either. It hadn’t been as bad as Payton’s, but it still wasn’t easy. Chase’s life was perfectly normal until he was thirteen, and his father killed a woman and her six year old son, while inebriated behind the wheel. His father had suffered from paranoid schizophrenia, and often mixed alcohol with prescription drugs. His father went to jail, and his mother and he were hated by the whole town. Chase didn’t have any friends. Only Payton had stayed by his side. Even all the way through college. Because of this isolation, Chase had struggled with a mild case of depression as a teenager. He began to cut himself, until he opened up to his mother about it. She got him tested and discovered that he might grow up to have symptoms similar to his father. So Chase was put on medication. Finally, after college, Payton and Chase both moved in together, and moved away from that town. Chase could move out of the shadow of his father’s mistakes. He could move on the prescription drugs that he had taken for the past decade. He could be his own person.

This was Chase’s chance. To live his life. He had never been able to do that until now. He was always a living reminder to everyone, but especially himself, of what his father had done. He had never been Chase Nathans. He had been Patrick Nathans’ son. Now he could be Chase.





After a month, with no suicidal tendencies and no responses to his dating profile, Payton was released from the hospital. He had his first group therapy meeting that evening. He was not looking forward to it.

Payton had “Tomorrow” by Silverchair playing in his head as he was getting out of his car. He imagined that sometimes his life was a movie, and the songs in his head were the background music for that movie. He liked to soundtrack his life. It was usually pretty mellow and depressing music though.

He entered the room, which was small, white room that had a ring of ten or so chairs, with one lady with a clip board, and a few people already sitting, scattered throughout the chairs. The lady looked at him, and asked if he was here for the group therapy. Payton said yes, and sat down in one of the chairs, sitting next to a man in a red velvet jacket. The man instantly looked over at him, with a grin on his face, and held out his hand.

“Hey- my name’s Floyd. Floyd Masterson,” said the grinning man calmly. Payton shook his hand, and replied:

“Payton Frost”

“Nice to meet you, Payton” said Floyd contently. Payton looked at him peculiarly. Either Floyd had mastered hiding his problems, or he did not belong in this group. Either way, Payton wanted to befriend him.

“Hey Floyd, have you been to this group before?” Payton asked.

“Oh yes! I’ve been here for… three months now?” Floyd asked himself. “Yeah, three months.” He confirmed. “Is this your first meeting?”

“Yes, it is. I just got out of the hospital” Payton replied. Floyd leaned in very close to Payton.

“So how’d you do it?” asked Floyd quietly. Payton looked at him perplexed.

“How’d you… you know… try and do it?” asked Floyd. Payton stopped, and then nodded his head in understanding. He pulled up his sleeves to show the bandages still covering his forearm. Floyd looked and then looked away, nodding to himself

“Interesting… Interesting” said Floyd.

“What is?” Payton asked.

“You can always tell something about someone by the way they try to do it,” said Floyd. Payton frowned for a second, and then looked at Floyd.

“What does it say about me?” asked Payton. Floyd looked at Payton.

“I dunno-you tell me!” said Floyd. Payton was going to ask what that meant, but the meeting was beginning.

“Welcome to group therapy, everyone! We have a new member today- please give a warm welcome to Payton Frost” said the group leader, and everyone clapped. Payton was gestured to stand up, so he did, but he didn’t know what to say. The room got quiet and suddenly twelve or thirteen pairs of eyes were all staring at him.

“Go on- tell us a little about yourself!” encouraged the group leader.

“Uh… Hi… I’m Payton Frost… and…” Payton looked to Floyd, who was just staring at him. “And I… am depressed?” Everyone clapped, and Payton sat done. He was confused.

“Thank you Payton. And now that we’re on the subject, does anyone want to share how they’re feeling? Or anything that has been bothering them this week?” asked the group leader. Payton looked around at all the other people in the room. A girl raised her hand, and stood up.

“A boy touched my shoulder… and it reminded me of when… He… touched… me” she began to sob violently, and had to sit down. Everyone clapped, and the group leader thanked the girl for sharing herself. No one else raised their hand, so the group leader told us to do one-on-ones. Floyd grabbed Payton’s arm, and pulled him over.

“I don’t trust anyone else here” whispered Floyd as he pulled me over.

“Are you sure you aren’t paranoid?” Payton asked. Floyd looked at Payton suspiciously.

“What if I was? Wouldn’t I feel threatened by you asking?” asked Floyd. Payton nodded in agreement. Floyd smiled: “Lucky for you, I’m not- but let’s get out of here. These one-on-ones never do anything for anyone.”

Payton followed Floyd out of the building, and they went to a diner. They sat down, and Floyd stared at Payton for a second.

“What?” asked Payton.

“Are you really depressed?” asked Floyd.

“How can you ask that?” asked Payton angrily. Floyd sipped some chocolate milk, not breaking eye contact.

“You don’t seem depressed. You seem numb. You seem… empty” said Floyd. Payton stared back at Floyd. Floyd had figured out what no one else could figure out, and he had known Payton for an hour. Floyd knew Payton better than his parents ever had. Even more than Chase.

“I think you’re right. But then why did I try and off myself?” asked Payton. Floyd thought about it for a second.

“The pain you inflicted on yourself is more feeling than you have ever had with any other emotion your entire life” said Floyd forwardly. Payton stopped for a second. Bull’s eye.

“How… could you possibly know that?” asked Payton. Floyd laughed.

“Look at me- I’m right there with you! Pain, love, pleasure, death; I’m just as numb as anyone else,” laughed Floyd.

“So, I showed you mine… How did you try and… you know?” Payton asked. Floyd stopped. He looked down and got very solemn.

“Don’t… Don’t ask me that…” said Floyd softly and slowly. Payton didn’t pry.
Floyd was a rather forward person, but he never talked about how he felt. Payton quickly realized that Floyd was very private. He never spoke up in the group meetings. He would always stay quiet, and if was ever asked directly, he would say “pass” or “next time”. No one knew what happened to him or why he was there. This made Payton think more and more that he didn’t belong there. That or he belonged there more than anyone else that Payton knew.

Payton and Floyd left the diner, and Payton was about to get in his car, when Floyd shouted:

“Hey- you coming to the next meeting?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there!” shouted Payton.

“We should hang out some time! You’re first person at these meetings that isn’t so boring that I want to finish what I started!” shouted Floyd. Payton cringed at Floyd’s dark humor, but chuckled because he knew Floyd didn’t really mean it.

“Yeah! That sounds good!” Payton shouted back. They exchanged phone numbers, and Floyd gave a thumbs up, and then got in his car and left. Payton got in his car and went home.

Two days later, Chase had alerted Payton that he had a date. The site that Payton had signed up for a month ago had finally churned out a possible match.

“You’re going on this date, Payton- no fighting me this time!” demanded Chase. Payton sighed and agreed to attend. Payton went to a fancy Italian restaurant, and sat and waited for his date that Chase had found him. He sipped on the wine the waiter brought, and stared at the front door. He was anticipatory, but was also dreading the interaction that would come from this.
Just then, a woman walked in, looked around, and saw Payton. She smiled when she saw him and then walked over. She sat at the table. She had blue eyes, and long brown hair. She had fair skin. Her eyes pierced into Payton’s eyes, and he felt a shot through his soul. This woman was beautiful, and Payton didn’t know how to feel about it.

“Hi, I’m Andriana!” said the blue eyed woman.

“Hey, I’m Payton,” said Payton. They shook hands.
They talked about hobbies, favorite movies, childhoods- Payton left out the part about his brother’s suicide. It was a fine evening, and Andriana was a nice and beautiful girl. But Payton had never loved anyone or even been involved with anyone before, so as he walked her to her car, instead of a kiss, he simply hugged her, and left. But it was enough to hold Andriana, because when Payton got home, there was a message on his phone from her, saying that she had had a wonderful time.







“So, have you made any friends at the meetings yet?” asked Chase, as Chase and Payton ate lunch together the next week.

“Yeah actually, I met this guy named Floyd- he’s pretty cool” replied Payton, in between bites.

“Awesome! And, uh… How was your date? I heard that message Andriana left!” asked Chase jokingly. Payton hadn’t responded to Andriana yet, and it had been two days. He had a thought of how he should call her. Just as he was about to say something, a person walked up to them and tapped Payton on the shoulder. Payton whizzed around to see Floyd standing there.

“Floyd!” said Payton.

“Payton!” said Floyd.

“Chase! This is the guy I was talking about! This is Floyd from the group meetings” said Payton. Floyd and Chase shook hands.

“I trust Payton has represented me well” said Floyd as he shook Chase’s hand.

“He has told me a little about you” replied Chase.

“Well hopefully that’s not everything” said Floyd. The three of them sat in silence for a moment.

“Well, this has been riveting. Good to see you Payton, see you at the meeting. Good to meet you Chase! Talk to you all later” said Floyd and then he left.

“He’s an interesting character” said Chase.

“Yeah, he’s really cool” said Payton.

“He’s really gay” said Chase.

“What? You’re crazy, he’s not…” started Payton. Chase gave Payton a look.

“I mean… Why does it matter?” said Payton.

“It doesn’t matter. I just know your gay-dar is broken” said Chase.

“My gay-dar is just fine!” replied Payton angrily.

“Sure it is, man. Let’s go” said Chase, as he got up. Payton got up quickly behind him.

“It’s not broken!”







That night, Floyd invited Payton to a party that he was having at his apartment, and Payton agreed to come over. Payton liked how easy going Floyd was, and he had felt comfortable with him since they had met. Floyd asked him to stop at the grocery store to pick up some chips for the party, and as he was going through the checkout line, Payton noticed the cashier.
She had darker skin than Andriana, and she had caramel colored eyes, and her hair was a dark brown color. She had a sort of silent beauty to her, like she had a story to tell and that everything on the surface was just a mirage for the public.
Payton walked up and bought the bags of chips, not speaking throughout the entire encounter. The girl looked him right in the eye and said something, but Payton didn’t hear it. And then reality hit him-
“That’ll be $4.67, man,” said the cashier girl. Payton reached into his pocket and pulled out his credit card and handed it to her. Payton was well embarrassed at that point in time, and quickly left as soon as he could.
When he got to Floyd’s apartment, there was about a dozen people, and Floyd came up to him and welcomed him, and took the food into the kitchen.
“Thank you for coming, Payton! I was wondering if you were going to make it!” said Floyd slightly sloshed. He had been drinking for a while. Payton wanted to tell Floyd about the girl at the grocery store. But he never got the chance. Floyd went and sat down on the couch, and Payton followed him. But it wasn’t long before things got out of hand. Only Payton talked to Floyd the entire time he was there. Floyd began talking about his family life:
“Well, drink up; it’s a day of celebration!” said Floyd, right before he downed a sip of whiskey.
“What’s today?” asked Payton. Floyd turned to him.
“It’s my parent’s wedding anniversary,” replied Floyd. He pulled out a picture of his mother and father from his wallet. “It was… twenty five years ago today! And… and I was but a twinkle in my mother’s eye then!” He laughed after this. But it wasn’t a kind of cheerful life. It was a laugh of desperation.
“Are you okay, Floyd?” asked Payton.
“You know… You’re my only friend… Payton… you are my only…” said Floyd pitifully.
“That’s not true- What about all these people?” asked Payton.
“They aren’t… They aren’t my friends,” replied Floyd. He then stood up and yelled: “Hey! All of you! Get out of here! You aren’t my friends! You’re a bunch of fakes!”
Everyone quickly cleared out as Floyd yelled and threw things at them, cursing at him and yelling as they ran out. Floyd then fell to his knees and cried after everyone had left. Payton wrapped an arm around him, and Floyd uttered one short phrase over and over again:
“I promise I won’t do it again, Dad…”





At the next meeting, Payton came in and sat next Floyd, but there was something different. There was a new person. A girl. Payton saw her from across the room. It had been the girl from the grocery store. It was the cashier girl. She was short, with those big brown eyes. She was wearing a tan dress, and was looking off in another direction. She had headphones in. Payton was enamored. He had never felt this way about… anyone before. She was more beautiful than anyone he had ever seen before. Floyd looked at Payton, and then at the girl, and then back at him. He then elbowed Payton, and Payton was dropped back into reality.

“Go talk to her,” encouraged Floyd.

“No… I can’t…” said Payton quietly. The meeting began right then.

“Well, you’re off the hook till the end of the meeting… but you are talking to her!” said Floyd intensely.

The meeting began, and the group leader stood up and told the new girl to introduce herself. Payton listened intently:

“Hello everyone… I’m Namine Abel” said the girl, slowly and quietly. Even her name is beautiful, thought Payton. Namine Abel. The rest of the meeting went as usual- Floyd didn’t speak, and Payton was too distracted by Namine to think about himself.

Namine spoke though. She had been a drug addict. She had become so reliant, that even a day without them was torture. Eventually, the pain got too much. She tried to quit, but she spiraled out of control.

“Maybe not… She seems like a lot to handle,” whispered Floyd. But Payton wouldn’t listen to him. He was already in too deep. He was completely infatuated. And when it was time for one-on-ones, Payton would go to Namine.

“Hey man, let’s clear out of here…” said Floyd, when one-on-ones came up. But Payton wanted to stay. He wanted to stay and talk to Namine. But he couldn’t. He was too scared. So, he left with Floyd.

“Next time, Floyd. Next time,” said Payton.

“Hey man, I’m not making you do anything- but if you want to, go for it,” replied Floyd.

But when Payton got home, he had another message from Andriana. It had been almost a week, and Payton had completely forgotten. So he immediately called Andriana without even thinking.

The next day, Andriana came over to Payton’s apartment to watch a movie. Chase was supposed to be gone, but he had decided to stay in that night.
When Andriana came over, Payton and her sat in the common area and watched a movie on the television, while Chase stayed in his room. Everything was going fine, until Payton got a call from Floyd in the middle of the movie. Floyd never called Payton, so it had to be important. Payton excused himself and went outside to pick up the call.
“Floyd? What’s up?” asked Payton.
“Payton… I… I just wanted to apologize for the party last week. That was…”
“Floyd, it’s okay- I just don’t understand-“
“My family life is… complicated. I can’t explain it now. Maybe, one day I will tell you.”
“Okay Floyd-“ And then Floyd hung up. Payton put his phone away and walked back inside. Chase was sitting in the common area, talking to Andriana. Now, Payton was not remotely attached to Andriana, in fact, he had put this date off as much as he could. But seeing Chase with her, they seemed so natural. So casual. Payton didn’t understand how Chase could be so casual with her. Chase saw him return, and nodded at him, and then turned back to her:
“Well, it’s very nice to meet you, Andriana Huxtable!” said Chase cheerfully. Chase got up and retreated back to his room. Payton entered fully into the room, and sat down next to Andriana.
And for no particular reason, Payton thought about that girl from the grocery store. Namine.

At the next meeting, Payton decided he was definitely going to go talk to Namine. Floyd tried to coerce him to go to the bar tonight, but Payton knew what he wanted to do. So, Floyd left by himself. And Payton went over to Namine
“H-hey…” said Payton.
“Hey!” replied Namine.
“I’m Payton” said Payton.
“Nice to meet you Payton, I’m Namine” replied Namine.
“Do you… Do you want to go to a diner and talk?” asked Payton. He immediately regretted it. She must think he’s crazy. Or a rapist. Or –
“Sure” replied Namine. And she began leaving. Payton was perplexed. He quickly followed her out of the hospital.
Payton sat down across the table from Namine. But he didn’t have anything to say. He had never talked to a girl before. He didn’t know what to ask her.
“So… so what’s your favorite band?’ asked Payton awkwardly.
“You’ve probably never heard of them,” laughed Namine. So hipster.
“Try me,” replied Payton.
“I’m in love with this band called the Postal Service. Their song, “Brand New Colony”, is basically my favorite song ever,” replied Namine. Payton had to pinch himself. Was he dreaming? Was this girl real? Payton wanted to respond, but he couldn’t. He wanted to shout that he loved that band too. Finally, he uttered:
“Yeah, I’ve heard of that band, they’re pretty good,” Pretty good? They were amazing. Payton wanted to slap himself for being so stupid. He didn’t know what to say next. So he pretended he was Floyd. He leaned in close and whispered:
“So… how’d you… you know, do it?” Namine gave a strange look. Payton got a fast, sickening feeling all through his body.
“Are you asking me… How I tried to kill myself?” whispered Namine. Payton didn’t want to respond, but out of paralyzed fear, he nodded his head.
“Well, I was a drug addict- how do you think I did it?” asked Namine. It was obvious now- she had overdosed.
“So, what was your poison?” asked Payton. It was like Floyd was talking through him.
“I abused prescription medication. I was diagnosed with depression when I was fifteen; after I watched my parents die. I lived with my grandparents until I was eighteen,” replied Namine.
“What happened to your parents?” Payton wasn’t even holding back now.
“We… were in a car accident. My father pulled too fast on a turn, and we rammed into a tree… The car flipped a few times. My door was… ripped off, so I crawled out. But… both of the front seat doors were crushed in, trapping my parents… I tried to get them out… but… the engine caught fire… They… were burned alive in front of my eyes…” replied Namine. Payton closed his eyes. He had thought he had had it bad. He thought his life was hard. His life was a trip to Disney World compared to Namine’s.
“I always thought that… I should’ve died that day… you know? Like, I wasn’t supposed to make it out. I tried to… off myself for the first time only a week after the accident. I’ve tried three times, and failed every time. I have a therapist I have see weekly, and check in with doctors on a biweekly basis,” continued Namine.
“I’m… sorry. That must be very hard for you to go through…” replied Payton. Namine looked at him.
“So, what’s your sob story?” asked Namine.
“I found my brother dead when I was twelve,” replied Payton. Namine scoffed.
“Damn man, that’s rough; anything else?” asked Namine. Payton said how his parent’s divorce made it so he had to raise himself and his brother, and how he had never been social because of that. He also told her about how he had recently tried to kill himself, but that his amnesia rendered him unable to remember why.
“So, how’d you try and do it?” asked Namine. Payton lifted his sleeves. The bandages were gone, but there were long, nasty scars still traced across his arms.
“Whoa. You don’t mess around,” replied Namine. Payton nodded his head awkwardly. Namine squinted, and then looked at Payton.
“Hey, can I ask you something?” asked Namine.
“Yeah, go for it,” replied Payton.
“Have you ever heard of the word eccedentesiast?” asked Namine.
“I’m pretty sure you just made that- What does it mean?” asked Payton.
“It’s a person who fakes smiles. Someone who feigns happiness. But not to themselves. They feign happiness to the outside world. They make other people think they’re okay,” Namine explained. “I think that most people are eccedentesiasts. Everyone has a reason to feign happiness.”
Payton was shocked. Eccedentesiast. Never had a word described him so well. Apathy didn’t quite hit it right, because he cared a lot. In fact, he often times cared too much what other people thought of him. But this word. Eccedentesiast. He knew that this was the word to describe him. It fit him perfectly.
Namine continued: “But I guess the real question is this:”
“What?” asked Payton.
“Why? Why do we fake smiles? What is each person’s own personal reason?” asked Namine. Payton stopped and thought for a second. He didn’t have a reason for his own eccedentesiast behavior. He thought of himself and everyone else he knew, and why they faked smiles. What was Floyd’s reason? And what about Chase?


Chase unlocked the door to the apartment, and walked in. He put the mail on the table, and a letter fell out of the pile and grabbed his attention. It was addressed to him and was written in messy handwriting. Chase stared at the letter for a second, and then ripped open the envelope. It was just a piece of paper that had seven words on it, written in big, messy letters:
YOU’LL END UP JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER
Chase almost fell down. He sat in a chair, and covered his face with his hands. How did they find him? He had run away from that life. This was his start over.
Chase crumpled up the letter and threw it away. He stood over the trash can, and began to sob. He couldn’t help himself. He was suddenly thirteen again. Scared and alone. With no one to take care of him. His mother wasn’t here. Payton was gone at his meetings. Chase was alone again.



Floyd left the meeting that night, but didn’t want to go to a diner. Instead, he went to the local bar. He walked in, with “Boys Don’t Cry” by Oleander blaring over the speakers. Floyd sat at the bar, next to a woman. She was done up well, but Floyd had no interest in her. Floyd had no interest in any woman. Floyd got his drink, and the woman looked over at him:
“Hey honey--“ she started, but Floyd cut her off.
“I’m not interested,” said Floyd. The woman gave an irritated look.
“Come on baby, you know you need to unwind…” she whispered in his ear.
“No… I think I’m okay,” replied Floyd. The woman started to push harder. She started to caress his leg, and whispered:
“It won’t be something that you’ll ever forget—“ but Floyd cut her off again, this time, by slapping her across the face, which threw her off the stool and onto the ground. The bar stopped. Music went silent. Everyone stared at Floyd. The woman touched the side of her face, and then looked at her hand to check for blood. She looked back at Floyd:
“That’s gunna bruise, you f*ing fa**ot!” screamed the woman. Floyd lost it. That word reminded him of his father. Suddenly, Floyd didn’t see a woman on the ground, he saw his father.
Floyd was about to punch the woman again, when a large man came from behind, and broke a bottle on Floyd’s head. Floyd fell to the ground, and the man punched him in the face three times, and then finally picked him up and threw him out of the bar.
Floyd was just conscious enough to hear the man shout: “And never come back, faggot!” And then Floyd went unconscious.

So, why do you fake smiles?” asked Payton to Namine.
“I’d have to say it’s to fool my doctors that I’m alright,” said Namine. They had left the diner, and were now sitting outside, on a bench. Namine lit up a cigarette, and offered one to Payton. Payton refused. He was suicidal, but wouldn’t risk the cancer. What an oxymoron.
“I don’t really like talking about my feelings with shrinks and what not,” continued Namine. “They don’t understand, you know? They haven’t been where we’ve been.”
“Yeah, I can agree with that,” agreed Payton.
“So why do you fake them?” asked Namine.
“I’d have to say… to fool my parents into thinking I’m alright. And my friend Chase too,” said Payton.
“Why do you need to fool your friend?” asked Namine.
“Cause we live together, and he’s always worried about me,” replied Payton.
“Is Chase depressed?” asked Namine.
“I… don’t think so. His father killed this lady and her kid when he was drunk, so he really wanted to move away as soon as he could, but other than that, Chase has had a pretty normal life,” explained Payton.
Namine scoffed: “Normal life. Wonder what that feels like.”
“I don’t know, it must be nice though,” whispered Payton.
“It’s probably pretty boring,” joked Namine. Payton laughed.
Payton looked over at Namine. Namine took a drag from her cigarette, and looked over at Payton. She looked down, and then back into his eyes. This was it. He was going to finally do it. He leaned in, and kissed Namine. It had taken twenty-three years, but Payton had finally gotten his first kiss.
“Well… This group meeting thing has turned out to be better than I was expecting…” softly said Namine.






At the next meeting, Payton noticed that Floyd wasn’t his normal self. He wasn’t smiling. He wasn’t upbeat. He looked at the ground the whole time, and didn’t even say hello to Payton when he walked in. But Payton could see that he had a nasty black eye, and his face was bruised badly. Namine came in and sat next to Payton. The leader lady started the meeting, and asked if anyone would like to share themselves. To Payton’s surprise, Floyd raised his hand, and stood up.

“Hi everyone, my name is Floyd. I’ve… never talked so… here goes. I’m laying everything out there. I was at a bar last night, and a woman started hitting on me. I threw her off me, and she… she called me… she called me a faggot.” Everyone was silent. Floyd looked over at Payton, and then back to the group.

“Now, I’m gay. I have been for… my whole life, I suppose. But my father didn’t learn that till I was twelve, when he caught me and my friend Daniel kissing in my room. Now, my father is… a wholesome, to-the-bone American man. He… has strong Christian values that… interfered with what I was doing… So… He figured that the best way to teach me that what I was doing was wrong was… He…” Floyd scoffed at this point, but not because it was funny. It’s that awkward reaction to something uncomfortable: you laugh. But Floyd continued:

“He… began to… ‘teach’ me by means of sexual education. He would… physically show me that being gay was wrong. He would… yell at me while he did it… He’d… He’d shout things like… ‘You faggot!’ or… ‘Are you enjoying this? You shouldn’t enjoy this’… ‘You’re a devil child! I knew I should’ve hit your mother harder while she was pregnant!’…” Floyd stopped, looking down at the ground. The room was silent. Payton could hear the electricity faintly buzzing through the lights in the ceiling.
“He did this… everyday for a year. And my mother did nothing. I don’t know whether she supported it or whether she didn’t know it was happening… or she was too afraid of my father to stop him but… I remember the first time I tried to kill myself was… age thirteen. I hung myself from my ceiling fan… My father found me, cut me down, and took me to the hospital. Once I came home okay… he tied me to my bed, so that I couldn’t escape or try and kill myself again. He would beat me every day, telling me that it was my fault what had happened to me, and that I should… just choose to be straight…”
“I have tried seven times since age twelve to kill myself… And I remember at age seventeen, when I… electrocuted myself by sticking a fork in a socket, that I was officially dead for two minutes. My heart was stopped for a hundred and twenty seconds. And those… those are the best a hundred and twenty seconds of my life. Because I wasn’t with my father. I was free of him…”
Floyd grabbed his coat and quickly left the meeting room, with the only the sound of his quick footsteps to fill the void of silence that he had left. Payton quickly grabbed his own coat and followed Floyd, and Namine followed Payton.
Payton ran after him, shouting: “Floyd! Floyd!” And when Floyd heard this, he stopped. Payton ran up to him, and Floyd was sobbing. Payton grabbed Floyd and hugged him. Namine caught up with them. Floyd cried hard, but he kept whispering something that Payton could barely hear:
“I just don’t want to pretend anymore. I want the pain to just go away. I don’t want to hurt anymore.”



Chase couldn’t sleep anymore. It had been a week since the first letter, and he had received three more. The second letter was a picture of his father, with the eyes and mouth poked out, and the word: KILLER written across the top. Chase would just lay awake at night. He tried listening to music, but he always ended up listening and not sleeping. Right now “Blue Monday” by Orgy was blaring through the low volumes of the stereo. He was afraid of the people sending those letters. What were they going to do? The last letter he received just said: YOU CANNOT HIDE.
Chase was afraid he was going to die. Just then, Payton came back from his meeting, and saw Chase curled up on the couch.

“Hey man, you alright?” asked Payton. Chase wanted to tell him. But Payton had enough to worry about with his own problems. So Chase faked a smile and said:

“Nah, I’m fine- just a nightmare.” And Payton left him alone. Chase was alone again.









Payton, Floyd and Namine were all eating lunch together at the diner, when Floyd asked a question that sparked something inside Payton:

“Do you believe in love?”

Namine replied first: “I thought I did. I thought I was in love once. My first boyfriend. He told me he loved me. And I thought he meant it. Until that bastard went and cheated on me with some broad. From then on, it was just cheap cigarettes and cheaper sex. I vowed to never let myself become that weak again. I vowed to never again fall in love.”

“So you think it’s real, you just want no part in it?” asked Floyd.

Namine laughed lightly: “Yeah, I guess you could say that.” Floyd laughed. It was the first time Payton had seen Floyd laugh or smile since his opening up at the group meeting. Was it a real smile or was it fake?

“How about you, Payton? Do you believe?” asked Floyd.

“I… don’t know. I want to. But I’ve never been in love before,” Payton replied.

“It’s not as grand as you think it will be,” replied Namine. Namine vowed to never fall in love. Payton vowed to change her mind.







Just when everything was falling into place, Payton’s life got more complicated. He received an email. It was Andriana. He had thought that she had forgotten about him. He was very wrong. She wanted to meet him for dinner tonight. Payton had already responded to the email saying he would. But, the thing was, Payton hadn’t.

“Chase!” shouted Payton.

Chase came running in: “What?!”

“Why did you respond to Andriana without my permission?!”

“Come on, man! She’s a really sweet girl! Just let her in!”

“But I have a meeting tonight!”

“You can miss one meeting, right? It’s just a date, man! Please?! For me?”

Payton sighed hard, but relented to Chase’s wishes.

But what about Namine?

Namine walked into the group meeting, and saw Floyd, but not Payton. She sat next to Floyd, and asked:

“Have you seen Payton yet?”

“Nope, he hasn’t shown up. Strange, he’s usually the first person here,” replied Floyd.

“Do you think there’s something wrong?” asked Namine.

“Eh, maybe he’s sick, or maybe he has other plans, I don’t know,” replied Floyd. Namine was concerned. Payton hadn’t missed a meeting yet. He was always here. What if he had relapsed? What if his amnesia had passed? What if he… Namine immediately got up and ran out of the hospital.

“Where are you going?” shouted Floyd as she ran out.

“I’m going to help Payton!” shouted Namine back. Floyd turned back, sighed, and then got up and ran after Namine.

Namine ran out of the hospital and jumped into her car. She needed to find Payton. She needed to know he was alright. She remembered the first night they had met. The first kiss they had shared.







Payton sat at the diner that he always went to with Floyd or Namine after the group meeting. He sat, this time, waiting for Andriana Huxtable. The girl that Chase had found him online. There was soft music over the speakers of the diner, “Asleep” by The Smiths.

Andriana entered the diner, and sat down across from Payton. He smiled at her, the first time he had since they had started dating, but immediately went into conversation. It was the first conversation that Payton had started in the past month.

“Hey- do you know what the word eccedentesiast means?” asked Payton. Andriana stopped and looked confused.

“No, what is it?” asked Andriana cheerfully.

“It’s a person who fakes smiles. Feigns happiness to others,” replied Payton. Andriana frowned a little at this.

“Why did you bring that up?” asked Andriana.

“Because I believe that most people are eccedentesiasts. Now, why do you fake smiles?” asked Payton. Andriana seemed confused, and also saddened.

“Because… if my parents really knew I was back cutting myself, they would kick me out of the house and stop paying for my education,” replied Andriana.
Payton was dumbfounded. He didn’t know what to say. Andriana had the face of an angel, but when she lifted her sleeves, he could see the scars were grounded in from repeated cuts. She was at the bottom with Payton. With Floyd and Namine. Namine… Payton was still in love with Namine. But was it possible to be in love with two people at once?

Andriana pulled her sleeves back down, and looked down in shame. Payton looked at her, and smiled. A genuine, real, heartfelt smile.

“Andriana, thank you for sharing yourself,” said Payton. Andriana smiled back. Payton didn’t know if it was genuine or not.

“Thank you for listening… No one has ever listened before…” replied Andriana.

“Andriana… Do you believe in love?” asked Payton. Andriana must’ve taken some kind of hint that Payton wasn’t putting off, because just as he asked that, she leaned in and kissed him.

It was a nice kiss, but it felt dirty. When Payton closed his eyes, he didn’t think of Andriana. He thought of Namine. He thought of how he wanted to recreate that first kiss they had, all those weeks ago. He wanted to be with Namine.






Namine and Floyd both drove to Payton’s apartment to see if he was there. They knocked until there was an answer, from a tall man with short brown hair.

“Hello?... Oh hey, Floyd!” said the man.

“Hello Chase!” responded Floyd. Namine was confused. How did Floyd know this guy? Neither of them had ever been to Payton’s apartment before.

“Have you seen Payton tonight? He wasn’t at the meeting,” asked Floyd.

“No I haven’t seen him- sorry!” said Chase. Namine was upset- Payton was missing and Chase didn’t seem the least bit concerned.

“Where do you think he went?” asked Namine desperately.

“I don’t know, wish I could help!” shouted Chase, as he closed the door in their faces. Namine was even more distraught.

“Let’s just try the diner,” said Namine pitifully.







Chase had grown extremely paranoid, after receiving more and more letters from the anonymous sender. The letters had messages like: ‘WE ARE WATCHING YOU’ or ‘DON’T TRY TO RUN’. He began receiving calls from blocked numbers, and the caller would be someone with a voice changer, reading the same messages that the letters had been saying.

Chase sat in his dark room, alone, curled up on his bed, afraid to even open his blinds to his windows. Korn’s “Got the Life” played loudly through his stereo, trying to block out the world. Suddenly, a vicious knocking occurred at the door. Chase was afraid that it was the people that had been messaging him. He was afraid that he was going to die.

Chase opened the door to see a girl standing with a man with a familiar face, Floyd.

“Hello?... Oh hey, Floyd!” said Chase. He was relieved to see it wasn’t some masked men trying to snuff him, but he was still paranoid that someone could be watching him if he kept his door opened for a long time. He had to make this conversation quick.

“Hello Chase!” responded Floyd. “Have you seen Payton tonight? He wasn’t at the meeting.”

“No I haven’t seen him- sorry!” said Chase. Which was a lie. He knew Payton was at the diner, on a date, but he didn’t want Floyd or anyone else messing with that. This was time for Payton to be free of the chains of his past. Chase knew that he would want the same freedom too.

“Where do you think he went?” asked the girl desperately. Just then, Chase looked out to see a masked man step out of the forest near the apartments. He stopped and looked up at Chase. If he could see his eyes, Chase would’ve been making direct eye contact with the man.

“I don’t know, wish I could help!” shouted Chase, as he shut the door quickly, locking it and running back to his room. Chase was breathing heavy, and his heart raced. He didn’t know what to do. He knew now that soon, he was going to die.




Namine and Floyd pulled up to the diner, and both got out of their cars to look inside and see Payton there. For a moment, Namine was relieved he was alright. But only a moment. Then, she saw who he was with. A girl. Namine was confused. She saw Payton with the girl, then out of the blue, they kissed. Namine’s heart stopped. She didn’t know what to think.

“Namine… We should leave-“ offered Floyd, but it was too late. Namine had seen it, and she was already broken. She got back in her car and was about to leave when Payton and the girl left the diner. Payton looked her in the eyes, and told her something, but Namine couldn’t hear them. Then they both walked to their own cars. Namine started her car, and began to pull out, when Payton say her.

“Namine?...” asked Payton. Namine just stared at him, and then drove away. She began to cry as she drove away. She couldn’t believe it. She had trusted Payton. She never trusted anyone.




Payton and Andriana walked out of the diner, and Payton turned to her and said:


“You’re very pretty Andriana, but... I can’t date you…” said Payton. Andriana seemed upset.

“Why?...” asked Andriana pitifully

“I love someone else already…” replied Payton. Andriana seemed upset. She looked down, and then back at Payton.

“I understand...” responded Andriana pitifully, and she went to her car slowly. Payton turned to go to his car, and he saw Namine.

“Namine?” he asked. But then she drove away before he could talk to her. He ran after her car, but it was futile. He turned back around to see Floyd standing there.

“What happened?” asked Payton.

“You weren’t at the meeting, we were worried. We went looking for you,” said Floyd, “She saw you kiss her.” Payton’s heart stopped. He had he done. He ruined his chances with Namine. He ruined his chances with the girl he loved. Payton was lost. He quickly got in his car and went home.

When he got home, Chase was in his room, with all the lights off.

“Chase?... Are you alright?” asked Payton.

“Yeah man, I’m good- you worry about you, I’m fine,” responded Chase. But Payton wasn’t so sure.

“Chase… Did you take your pills today?” asked Payton.

“I… No…” replied Chase.

“Why not?” asked Payton irritatingly.


“I ran out today, I’ll fill it tomorrow,” lied Chase. And Payton knew it was a lie. What he didn’t know, was that Chase hadn’t been taking his medication for close to three months now, and that his mind was starting to go.

Payton lazily went to the grocery store three days later because they were out of ice cream at the apartment. Payton was in such a lull that he completely forgot that Namine worked at that grocery store. He walked up to the checkout area, and looked the cashier lazily, only to be given a mini-heart attack as he realized it was Namine.

“H-hey…” awkwardly muttered Payton.

“That’ll be $5.25. Unless you want to get the special deal of two quarts for $8.50.” replied Namine with as much poison and apathy as she could in that statement.

“I… I don’t need… two quarts…”

“Well, then it’s $5.25.”

Payton gave her a credit card, and paid for the food.

“Here you go,” Namine said as she flung his credit card back at him. Payton caught it, and then looked at her.

“You know… I’m sorry…” said Payton pitifully.

“Sir, the line needs to be moving” replied Namine as she rolled her eyes. Payton walked away slowly, and Namine watched him go out of the corner of her eye. The old lady behind Payton in line walked up, and Namine started scanning her food:

“Now, it’s none of my business, but I could tell that that young man cares for you a lot” said the old lady.

“Yeah, well I wish that was true…”

“And I can tell you care about him a lot too,” continued the woman.

“And?” replied Namine irritatingly.

The woman smiled, a pure smile, and said: “Sometimes, the ones you love hurt you the most. It works both ways too. Give him another chance, sweetie. You won’t regret it.”

Namine watched the old lady walk out of the store, and thought about what she said. Should she give Payton another chance? Did he deserve it?






Payton spent the next week, sitting in his room, alone. Chase did the same, but for a different reason. Payton’s heart was broken, and Chase’s mind was broken. Both of them were close to the edge, they just needed the right push. Luckily, Chase pushed Payton in the right direction.

“Dude, what are you doing?” asked Chase after five days of not leaving their rooms. Payton looked up at him.

“What do you mean?” asked Payton.

“You’re sitting in this apartment like it’s going to help anything! You gotta go out and find her, man! You gotta get your woman! She’s not gunna come to you, you gotta go to her. That’s how love works- you want something bad enough, you gotta fight for what you want!” chanted Chase. And that was exactly what Payton needed. He got up, got dressed and headed out, but not before saying:

“Thanks Chase, you always know what to say!”

Chase smiled, but as soon Payton left, he began to cry. Chase thought this would be the last time he would see Payton. Because the real reason that Chase wanted Payton to leave was that he wanted to end the torment of the letters, the masked men, and the panic he had been living. Chase wasn’t going to let the masked men get him. He was going to go out on his own terms. Chase was going to kill himself.



Payton ran all the way across town. He had to see Namine. He had to make things right. He had to tell her he loved her. He had to. Soul Coughing’s “Rolling” was rushing through his head as he ran.

This was the only option. Anything else would be a waste. The last three months would have been a waste. Falling in love would have been a mistake. Rehabilitation would have been a mistake.

Namine was all that mattered now. She was all that mattered ever. Payton couldn’t think of a time when he didn’t constantly think about Namine.








Chase sat in the bathtub, curled up in a ball. He was shaking with fear. He just wanted to the pain to be over. He wanted the fear to be gone. He wanted to be free. He had left the stereo on, and “God” by John Lennon had started playing. He unclasped his hands, and revealed the razor blade he was holding. He straightened out his arm, and was about to place the blade to his wrist, when he heard a knock at the door. Chase hesitantly went to the door, and peered out the peephole, only to see the masked man standing outside his door. Chase’s heart stopped, and he ran back to the bathroom, and shut the door. Chase sat in the bathtub again, sobbing and hyperventilating, in sheer panic.

He heard someone open the front door, and the footsteps followed slowly through the apartment. A voice called out:

“Hello?” and Chase felt a jolt of fear through his body. He curled up in a ball in the bathtub, and silently listened to the person walk through the apartment. Then, Chase heard a knock at the bathroom door.







Floyd sat at the diner alone. He hadn’t seen his friends in almost a week, and had spent a lot of time thinking about his life. He was coming to a crossroads, he knew it. He just didn’t know where that would take him. He never answered Namine and Payton if he believed in love, and the truth was he didn’t; until he met Tom. Tom was the new server at the diner. He was tall, and had dark hair. Tom was a happy guy. Not an eccedentesiast. And that was what Floyd needed.

“How can I help you?” asked Tom cheerfully. Floyd smiled, a genuine smile, and looked up at Tom.

“Can I ask you a question?” asked Floyd. Tom happily nodded.

“When do you get off work?”

Chase prepared himself for the worst. Maybe the masked man had finally come for him. Maybe it was finally all going to end. Maybe this was the last chapter of Chase Nathans’ life. Chase held up the razor, in preparation. The door knob turned, and fear jolted through Chase’s entire body. But it was not a masked man. It was a beautiful woman. With brown hair, and piercing blue eyes. It was so ridiculous. For the first time in his life, Chase had fallen in love. He quickly dropped the razor.

“He-Hey, Andriana,” muttered Chase. Andriana smiled. A genuine, happy smile.

“Hello Chase,” replied Andriana. Chase smirked and chuckled.

“Hey, you doing anything now?” asked Chase. Andriana smiled, and Chase knew that after that moment, everything was going to be alright.




Namine was sitting in her room, contemplating the choices she had made so far. Contemplating everything. She heard a noise from outside. She went to her window, and saw Payton, holding a boom box, playing “Brand New Colony” over the speakers, into her window. Namine laughed at such a cliché action. She opened her window.

“What are you doing?” asked Namine.

“I’m going out and getting what I want!” replied Payton. Namine smirked.

“What makes you think that what you want wants you?” asked Namine.

“Because… We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene, and start a brand new colony!” said Payton, singing along with the song. Namine covered her mouth and laughed. She nodded her head, and then ran out of the house, and ran up to Payton. They embraced and kissed.

“I’m so sorry,” whispered Payton, as they embraced. Tears streamed from Namine’s eyes. But for once in her life, it wasn’t from sadness. It wasn’t from pain. It wasn’t from anger. She cried from happiness.

For the first times in their lives, Payton and Namine were happy.










THE END