Why is it so dark? Oh yeah he knocked me out…again. I don’t really want to get up. He’s just going to get mad at me again. I’m so tired of him and his “problems.” I finally woke up. Do you know why I passed out? Well my dad got mad and punched me. I didn’t do anything. He just gets like that sometimes. I’m getting tired of it. He’s been abusing me the past 3 months. One day I’m going to leave this house. I’ll live on my own. If only I had somewhere else I could go.
He hit me again today. It’s happening more and more. I’m going to leave soon. I don’t care that I don’t have anywhere to go, I just need to get out of this house. I’ll give him one more chance. He apologizes every time he does it, but if he does it again I’m leaving for real.

He did it again. I’m already packing a bag. I just don’t want him to find out. I don’t know where I’ll go yet but once I get there I’m not coming back. Hopefully it’ll be a better place but I think I’ll be happier anywhere else I decide to go. Anywhere has to be better than here. I don’t have any other relatives, so I don’t know where I can go. I guess I’ll go see if I can stay with any of my friends.
None of them can let me stay...some friends they are. They claim it's their parents who don’t like them hanging around me...but I know. Why do people have to be so fake? I would rather they tell me that they don't like me than to pretend that they do. Well you know I'm glad that I found out now. I just got rid of some fake friends. I like it better this way. Well, I guess for tonight I'll just sleep in the park and then see if I can somehow get a job for now. Maybe I'll be able to make enough money to support myself. I already have some, but I need more if I'm going to be living on my own now.
No one will hire me. I could probably afford a hotel for a couple of nights, but I don't want to use all my money on that. I'll be better off sleeping in the park and using my money for food. I'll just stay here in the park for now. Being out here is still better than being at home...where he is. Why did my mom have to marry him? I guess he made her happy, but after they got married, he changed.
People can be cruel. Here I am sleeping in a park, homeless, and what do they do? They laugh. You would think that they might feel sorry for me, offer me money, but no, all they do is make fun. Yet despite all that I prefer this to being at home, where that man is. I hate him.
You know something? I'm just sitting here thinking about how horrible my life is, but you know, there are people out there who have it worse. There are people who don’t have food, who don't have money, who don't have family anywhere, I have it pretty good all things considered.
I’m a horrible person. Why am I horrible? I left my mom there with that man. What if he lets out his anger on her since I’m gone? I have to go back and see how she’s doing, bring her with me, out of that house. I’ll go back and get her. It can go back to just the two of us. Life will be better that way. It was better that way.
I’m going to see her. I really hope he’s not there. This will be so much easier if he’s not there. He should be at work now anyway. We should have enough time for her to pack a bag, grab some money, and leave. He will never know I came and got her. He’ll never know where we went. I will finally be free of him and still have my mother. I went to the house. I looked in the window first to be sure he wasn’t home. What I saw through that window shocked me. My mother and that…that man…that man who has been abusing me since they got married. They were just sitting on the couch peacefully. They looked like they didn’t have a care in the world. It’s like they don’t even care that I’ve been gone for so long. I get that he is fine that I left… but my own mother! Is it my fault that he was angry all the time? It wasn’t just that he got mad and took it out on me. Is their life better without me in it? Do they even care that I’m gone? Are they’re happy now that I’m gone? Here I was worried about my mother becoming the object in which he takes out his anger, and what do I find? I find her happy, peaceful, as if my existence has no meaning to her. I’m her daughter. She should care that I’m gone. Have I just been a burden to her all these years? Have I been holding her back from her happiness? Well obviously she doesn’t care about me. Nobody cares about me. What is the point of my existence? Why have I been trying to live up to everyone’s expectations when they don’t even care? I have no place in this world. Nobody needs me. Nobody cares. I’m tired of all this. I just need to end this…quick. The question now is, how to do it.
I went back to the park and found a glass bottle on the ground. I took it and broke it so it would be sharp enough to cut myself with. Maybe with this all my suffering will end. I won’t have to keep up this façade anymore. I can be done with it all. I’ll die from the blood loss and not have to continue. I will be free from everything, everyone who ever caused me hardships and pain.
Just as I was going to do it, I felt a hand on my shoulder. “Please, don’t do it.” I turned around and saw a boy. He had tears in his eyes. Those tears made me feel again. They made me feel like maybe there was someone out there who could care about me, love me the way no one else would. That one phrase, that one action, that one person made me feel like I had a place in the world again. I thought I would never feel again, never love again, but now I know that isn’t true. I’m probably getting ahead of myself, but this boy, he saved me from my despair, from that dark place I’ve been living in for the past few days. My only hope now is that I’ll never have to feel that way again.
His name is Jordan. He’s letting me stay with him. I’ll get a job and eventually get enough money and get a place of my own so I won’t be inconveniencing him like I am. My only problem is that he keeps asking me about what was happening with that man. I think that I’ll tell him one day but I don’t think I’m ready yet. I’m sure I’ll tell him once I’ve known him a little longer.
It’s been 2 months now since I moved in with Jordan and I think I’m ready to talk. I’m going to tell him everything. I’m sort of scared to tell him because I’ve never actually said out loud what he did to me. I don’t know how I’m going to be after I say it. Maybe it will make it real and break me. I’m stronger now I feel like I can handle it now. “Jordan, I’m ready to tell you what happened to me.”
My dad died when I was younger, I was too young to really remember him. My mom has been raising me by herself for a long time. When I was in middle school she started seeing this man. She seemed happier. I was happy she was happy. When she introduced him to me I thought he was a nice man, I approved. A few years later, they got married. I was a senior in high school at that time. The first year they were married was fine. We lived happily, though I wasn’t really around a lot because of various things I was doing. The first time he hit me, I admit it was my fault. I was arguing with him, I said some things I probably shouldn’t have. He slapped me. He apologized, I didn’t think much of it then. I just figured he hit me because of the things I was saying. After that time he did it a few more times, but again I thought it was my fault. Again, he hit me more, at that time I knew that it wasn’t my fault by then. He started to hit me whenever he got angry. That started happening frequently. I think he had stuff going on at work that was upsetting him. He took it out on me, physically. I started to think about leaving that house after 3 months of this happening. It got worse. I stopped going to school after a while because people would keep asking me about my bruises. After another couple of months, I left. I went back to my house to see my mom and they were happy so I figured I was at fault for everything that happened to me. He knew the rest. He hugged me and I cried into his chest for almost an hour.
Jordan told me it wasn’t my fault. Everything was his fault and if I reported him, he could go to prison and he wouldn’t hurt me anymore. I told him that if I did that my mom would just get hurt. Even though I’m no longer with her, I still love her and don’t want to hurt her. She’s my mom and she’s taken care of me for 19 years. Jordan told me understood, but he still thought he needed to be reported. He shouldn’t get away with doing what he did.
Two months have passed since that day. I finally have my own place. Jordan and I still hang out and I go over to his place at least once a week. Things have been going well between us. I’ve even thought about trying to get my G.E.D. and going to college, after I save up some more money of course.
One day I decided to go shopping downtown. After being out for quite some time and buying some things. I saw someone who looked like Jordan. I thought about surprising him since I hadn’t seen him in a few days. As I got closer to him I noticed that he was with a girl. They were holding hands and walking. I was hurt. I thought that our relationship has gotten better and we were getting closer. I found myself getting more angry than sad. He could have just told me he had a girlfriend. Instead, what does he do? He hides it from me and leads me on. What did he think? Did he think I wouldn’t be able to handle it? That I liked him so much I would get depressed again? Well, he was so wrong. I’m pissed off. If he tries to look for me later. He won’t find me. I can’t forgive him for hiding that from me. I might be able to talk to some other day when I get over this, but our relationship will never be the same.
I went back to that park where I stayed for those two weeks at the beginning of all of this. I walked around for an hour. I came across this bridge I had never seen before. I at the edge and stared at my reflection in the river. I was surprised at what I saw. I could see how much stronger I’ve gotten since I left that house. I also realized that I haven’t thought about everything in a long time. I guess that’s why I’ve been so happy. I feel like it’s been so long since then. So much has happened. I have a job, I have my own apartment, I got my G.E.D., and I’m even taking a couple classes at a community college. My life is good now. I never want to go back to that dark place.
I walked down closer to the river. I saw something glisten in the water. I was attracted to it. Next thing I know I’m standing in the river, looking for whatever it was I saw.
“Stop! Don’t do it, please, Lucy.”
I stood up just to see my mother standing on the bridge looking down at me. Not only was she standing there, but he was there too.

“Lucy, please come up here to talk, we need to talk.” I got out of the river and walked up to them. “Yes.” I said. “What were you doing? I haven’t seen you in months, and when I finally see you. I find you trying to drown yourself in a river!” “Mom, I wasn’t going to drown myself, I was looking for something.” She really needs to calm down. Well, I guess anyone would freak out if they saw their daughter standing in the middle of a river.
“Where have you been?” she asked.
Oh, so now she cares. She wasn’t frantic looking for me all those months ago when I left. Why would she care now if she didn’t before? She was just enjoying her married life after I left. I didn’t matter. I guess it’s true. Out of sight, out of mind.
“I’ve been fine. I have a job and an apartment, not that you care.”
“What do you mean I don’t care? Do you know how worried I’ve been since you left?”
“You sure didn’t look worried when I went to the house and saw you just sitting there, with him. I didn’t seem to matter there.”
“What are you talking about? There hasn’t been one day since you left that I haven’t been looking, both of us. We love you.”
“Both of you love me. If he really loved me he wouldn’t have been hitting like he did. He ruined me. I wasn’t the same after what he did to me. I’ll never be the same again!”
He finally spoke. “You’re right. What I did to you can never be forgiven. I wouldn’t blame you if you reported me. Back then I was having problems. I took it out on you, but I’m getting help now. I won’t expect you to come back, but please, we love you. Come back home.”
Tears rolled down my face. “You’re right I’ll never go back, but I’ll consider letting you guys back into my life. Only if you can prove that you won’t mess me up again. I promise if you do, you will never see me again.”
“I promise.”