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Straight.
Author's note:
Gay,straight,pans,trans,etc, everything is okay.
Straight.
"Maybe today just wasn't my day:/"
" It'll be okay !!!! hey I have to go eat dinner I'll text you after !!"
Ugh, I didn't want her to stop texting me. It's whatever though, the real worry is how am I gonna come out to my moms, they're super religious and are against straight people .
"Conner!! It's time for dinner come down and eat!! I swear if I see that phone at the table you'll get it taken again !" Ma said.
"Honey please don't be so loud... I'm worried about Conner, he hasn't been acting right" I hear my mom whisper.
I know that they know something's up, but I need to stay on the down low, I slowly get up and walk downstairs to only find my little sisters truck on the stairs. Are you serious .. why does she still play with these trucks she's twelve... I stopped playing with my dolls when I was nine. I get down to the dinner table and sit . Tonight was pizza and salad night , great , carbs , just more weight added on to me .
"Conner, how was your day at school ?" mom asked.
" Same old, same old." I said sassily.
" Conner Rae Barce , be sassy to your mom one more time and you'll go straight to your room" my ma said.
So I got up and went to the bathroom ,and no , I didn't mean to be mean to my mom , I love my mom , I hate my ma . She was a drunk low life and my mom didn't deserve her. I slammed the bathroom door , I know I'd get sh*t from it after I got out of the shower. I look at myself in the mirror .
I have shaggy blond hair and big blue eyes just like my mom , the only thing I got from my ma was my bone structure in the face , she had high defined cheekbones and a mean face , I didn't get her dark brown hair , my little sister did , but anyway , I clean off the makeup and get in the shower.
Why don't girls have to wear makeup? Why can’t boys work at a car shop, I mean I don't mind anyway. I want to be a nurse when I grow up , my girlfriend wants to be a vet. She loves animals , I met my girlfriend online. Her name is Abigail . It's a beautiful name but she wants me to call her Abby . She doesn't live that far , she just in a different school district . I walk to her house a lot .
As scrubbing soap into my short hair I realized it's been like an hour since Abby and I texted . My phone was on my bed , open for anyone to grab . I quickly wash the soap out of my hair and turn the shower off then put a towel on . I run to my room to see Adylin , my sister , on my phone .
"What are you doing ?!" I yell
" Texting your little girlfriend Abby " she said deviously
" Adylin please don't tell"
" Don't worry about it , it's not like I'm against it , I'm bi and still need to tell mom."
" Wait .. you're bi ? Never mind that , why just mom ? Why not ma?".
" You know exactly how ma is , she's the real religious one in this house "
I nod my head in agreement and make Adylin get out so I can get dressed , I look through the convo Abby and Adilyn had , Abby seemed paranoid , and Abby's out to her parents so I don't get why . Well, then again it was my sister and not me texting her. I text Abby after looking through the messages and ask her if she's okay .
Abby has short black hair, she cut it in the middle of the year last year. She looks good long hair or short hair. She has piercing brown eyes, she's a little bit taller than me and oh my gosh does she smell good , she smells like vanilla and it's so comforting. She dyes the top of her hair a lot . Right now it's purple and blue then black of the sides.
"hey, sorry bout that :// , shouldn't of left my phone on my bed"
" no no it's okay !! I just thought it was your ma for a second and I freaked out ."
" aw I'm sorry "
" hey I have to go to bed early tonight , my dad wants me to wake up early tomorrow and help the lil bro study , it's this new things he calls ,’early bird study worm.’"
" agh,well ,okay , goodnight I love you:((. "
"I love you too. "
I put my phone down and look up at the ceiling , my mom knocks on my door and walks in gently , my mom and I look exactly alike , she has the blond shaggy hair and a frail body . I smile as she walks in .
" Hey honey "
" Hi mom, what's up?"
"I've noticed you've been a lot more antisocial hun, it's not like you , have you been okay lately ?"
" Mom, I need to tell you something , something I don't want you to tell ma "
"Okay well what is it baby ?"
"I'm straight ."
" Oh... well honey .. just I want to let you know I love you so much and I accept you , I don't know how ma is gonna take it ... her and I aren't on very good terms right now ."
" I love you mom thank you ".
My mom walks out and I'm screaming on the inside . not in a bad way in a like oh my gosh this just happened , I couldn't wait till the morning to tell Abby what I just did .
I go to bed early that night , I go to bed happy , I haven't been happy in awhile .
"good morning:)."
"abbyyyy!!!! you're up !!! I told my mom I was straight !!!"
":00, was it hard??"
"it was my mom and not my ma so not really. "
" I kinda got it easy because my dad's are accepting and go to straight prides to support. "
"okay well I gtg get on the bus I love you. "
"I love you too ."
I hated going to school, I had only two friends who were accepting , I'm openly straight at school and I've accepted myself, but there is a bunch of bullies that hit me and call me names . My mom drops me off at school and stops me before I close the car door.
" Have a good day ! I love you ! Text me if something's up ."
" I love you too"
I close the door and walk up the school stairs , why would she want me to text her during school ? My mom always tells me to turn off my phone during school so I won't get in trouble but I guess today was a freebie . My friends and I had to work our way around the school system and had to do some begging so we have 5/7 periods together 1,2,3,4,7. So I head to first period and see my loyal friends sitting in their assigned seats , their names are Gage and Angel. Gage is bi and Angel is a gay alli.
"Sup dweebs" I mutter while laughing .
" Oh shush Conner , why weren't you answering my texts last night ?" Gage said confused .
"Same!" said Angel .
" I came out to my mom last night "
Gage and Angel looked so surprised thinking I was talking about my ma, I had to explain to them that it was just my mom I came out to .
My first period is one of the most heterophobic class I've ever had , my teacher , Mr. Dwengler, made it very clear he hates heterosexuals. He puts on religious music whenever we work and won't let us put in earbuds in to zone out the hate music . The class seemed to go faster than I thought , the bell rang and Gage , Angel, and I all zoomed out the door . I used to have a crush on Gage , I mean like , who wouldn't ? He's probably the only guy I'd actually date in this school , no offense to Angel but Gage is the only guy I'd go gay for . He's tall and masculine , he's got light brown skin and dark brown eyes along with his hair .
My mind gets interrupted but a shove into the wall , I quickly look around to see who did it . Oh gosh , it was Zeke , one of my bullies. There isn't much to explain about him , He's got medium dark blond hair that goes down to his ears and raunchy looking braces , the "perfect " Christian am I right .
"Hey,fag."
"What do you want " I say rolling my eyes .
" I heard you got a girlfriend ."
"Yeah, so?"
"Oh ewww! Guys , he's actually got a girlfriend ." he yelled .
Angel was getting mad and I could tell. Angel is a pretty big guy , loves cartoons but will stand up for his best friend in thee scariest way he could . He had dyed hair it was faded purple and orange , it reminded me of a sunset. He was sensitive but strong .
"Why don't you and your gang go make out in the bathroom or something , since you guys got caught last time " Angel said teasingly.
"Oh shut up angel I can do whatever I want".
I was in trouble , deep,deep,trouble. They grabbed both of my arms and forced my into the bathroom behind us . Oh god, not again , they're gonna give me a swirly . They shut the bathroom door and locked it so Gage and Angel couldn't come in and save the day . So Zeke and his friends force my head into the toilet and start flushing it . The cold splashes are hitting my overheated face because I'm forcing my head up . I somehow manage to turn around and push Zeke down.
"What are doing , fag ?!" he yelled .
And of course at that moment the principle unlocked the door and I looked like the bad guy at that moment . I standing up in between the stall and the sinks while poor little Zeke lays on the ground , I hope he hit his head , hard.
Mr. Ingle was the principal's name , he was a common principal , but he was still nice . He was a short and kind of chubby with a receding hairline . His hair has obviously been dyed jet black. He wasn't against the heterosexuals . He was a principal , how could he be ?
"Boys, Office,now." He said sounding frustrated .
I nodded my head because I understood , I mean like you walk into a wet head standing and someone laying on the ground is sketchy . You know what Zeke did ? He started screaming .
" I didn't do anything ! He tried to fight me !!!" he screamed .
" Zeke settle , I just need to know what all happened " mr.ingle said calmly .
"Whatever." Zeke replied .
We started walking down to his office , should I bring up the reason why he started it is because I'm hetero ? Conner don't be dumb of course you should ... but what if he calls ma?
"Sit down, now what happened here , Conner you tell me first ". Mr. Ingle said.
" Oh well... okay ... Well it started out in the hall right after first period ... he called me a fag and was making fun of me , he made fun of me for having a , uh, girlfriend.. then he grabbed me with his friends helping him . They drug me in the bathroom and locked the door and gave me swirlies then I found the strength to push him down ." I finally got out.
" That's not tr-" Zeke got interrupted .
" Zeke did I ask you ? Anyway , Zeke , bullying will not be tolerated in this school . I don't care if they're bi, straight,purple,whatever , it won't be tolerated !I will be calling your dad's Ezekiel".
I couldn't believe it , I thought I was gonna get in trouble and get a detention or something . I texted my mom and told her what happened and she came and picked me up. I'm guessing she was lonely . Her and ma have been fighting a lot lately , my mom is the one who pays the bills so I hope they get divorced .
"Did you tell ma what happened ?". I said .
" No, of course not." My mom replied.
Why doesn't anyone like me ? What did I do to them , loving someone shouldn't make me worthless or weird... I am worthless aren't I ?
A couple years ago I got bullied a lot , it wasn't even for being straight , it was for having cleft ears , my lisp, and when I twitch ,I got called spaz. I got really depressed , I started cutting myself. That's why my mom worries about me being so antisocial because whenever I was up in my room I'd be cutting my arms to pieces . My ma walked in my room seeing me passed out from blood loss and we had to rush to the hospital . I had to go to some stupid get well center for 2 weeks . I couldn't have my phone , I only got to make 3 calls a day .
We get out of the car and walk into the house, everything was silent, usually when i come home my ma is yelling at my mom or she's just storming out.
“Pack some bags’. My mom says fast.
“For?” i reply.
“We are leaving , I’m done with your ma. All she brings to this family is tears, i'm done with her this time, i swear.” My mom voice cracks when she says that . That breaks my heart, why get with someone if they're going to hurt you ?
I fastly pack my bag , i don't know why i'm packing so fast, am i happy ? Maybe, but i'm more scared of my ma coming home and somehow guilt trip. Last time that happened , the same night, my ma hit her for not buying her new booze. Fun, right? Anyways, I pack everything I need, my charger,phone,clothes,more clothes, some pairs of shoes,etc.
“Let’s go!!” My mom yells while she waits down stairs.
“Coming!” I yell back . We head downstairs and grab some food and go to the car , my mom was in a big rush.
“What about Adylin?!” i said worried,kind of rising out of my seat.
“Ive packed her bag , we are going to pick her up from school.” My mom replies.
I sit back,relived. I plug my earbuds into my phone and try to relax. All the sudden i get a text from Abby.
“Who is this?? Why are you texting my girlfriend??.”
Oh gosh I don't think this is Abby, my stomach feelings like it’s being thrown off a rollercoaster.
“What?” I reply.
“This is her girlfriend Sandra, why are you texting her saying you love her ? Are you like a breeder or something?!” Sandra texts back
Oh gosh. Oh gosh. No,no,NO! I thought Abby loved only me , but now she has a girlfriend ?!
“Im her boyfriend… Well I was... Until i found out she was cheating on me , but have fun with her , she’s cheating on you too”. I said taking a risk.
“Ugh! You’re cancer! Why don’t you kill yourself so you won’t be around to breed!” Sandra replied.
That’s when i knew my heart was thrown off a 30000000 feet building , crushed , shattered, smashed by a road flattener. I didn't know where we were going but i wanted to be there fast. I know it’s unhealthy but i hold in my tears, i don’t want my mom to worry about me .I don’t even know this Sandra girl and she tells me to kill myself? Maybe it’d be best if i was gone, being a so called “breeder” isn’t good for this world.
Finally we get to Adylins school, waiting in the parent pickup lane is boring, it’s only 10 a.m. , why are parents picking up their kids already . My sister finally finds the car and hops in it.
“How was your day honey?” my mom asks her.
“A kid said he was going to shoot the school so we all got sent for parent pickup” Adylin said in a cheerful voice.
“Oh… that’s nice honey…” My mom said awkwardly.
The only thing my sister and I have in common is our very dark humor and our joy towards dark things, we both love scary movies, haunted houses, and ghost hunting. My mom says we are weird because of it, she has no idea where we got it from, not even ma isn’t that dark.
“Conner, how are you out of school?” Adylin asked curiously.
“Someone put my head in the toilet and we almost fought” I said while smirking , i knew she was gonna like the fact I almost fought.
“ WOAH!!” Adylin screamed , little bit to excited.
“Now now guys, guess what we are checking into?” My mom said happily.
“What?” Adylin and I both said, curiously.
“You know that really big 5 star hotel?” she asked.
“Yeah!!” We both said happily.
“Well.. your grandpas booked us a sweet there for a month.” She told us.
“What about ma?” Adylin asked.
“She won't be staying with us, she has been very mean to mom and mom doesnt deserve it.” Mom said quietly.
Adylin didn’t say anything after that . I honestly was excited for it, get away from all the drama, mostly get my mind off Abby. I know it was gonna be hard to let her go,I thought she really liked me. I wonder if Sandra is better than me, maybe that's why she did it . I shouldn’t even be thinking about it ,If she cheated she’s not worth it. I look out the window and we are pulling into the big hotels parking lot.
“Mom,i bet the roof touches clouds.” Adylin said to mom, dumbfounded.
“Me too,honey.” Mom said looking up at the top of the roof.
My mom walks into the hotel to go check in and we start unloading the car with our bags.
“Are you excited to live here for a month?” I say to Adylin.
“Well duh! Might as well be kings and queens for staying in a sweet for a month!” Adylin replies.
My mom walks out and gets her bags and lets us go in while she goes and finds a parking spot on a side closest to our room. As we walk in my stomach kind of lurches, it was super fancy, like to fancy even for the King of England. The floor looks like it had been waxed just now. The floor sparkled like it had diamonds in it, the lobby in general was huge , all the workers were wearing suits. I look up just to see a huge chandelier, the color was pure white , it looked like diamond tears that stayed in one place.
My mom walked in and held 3 room keys in her hand, her bags in the other. We go to the elevator and she presses the very top button , there was 28 floors , woah. The elevator music was kind of annoying , it was the tune to some Taylor Swift song. When we get up to our floor , of course , Adylin and I run down the hall.
“Guys, do you want to see the room or not?” My mom yells from the other side of the hall. Adylin and I both run down to her and she opens the door
Adylin steps inside first, then I step in, then mom. The room had a beige color on the wall there was 3 rooms, a kitchen, a living room that connected to the kitchen and 2 bathrooms, this was just like another house. The Kitchen and living room didn't have carpet, they had the same kind of flooring in the lobby just crystal white, the couches were a deep red, along with the kitchen chairs by the marble island, behind the living room was a deck, outside, a bunch of feet up. We were the top floor.
The rooms were all different colors , one was gray , one was blue and one was white. I picked the white room because of the chandelier. I set my luggage on the bedroom floor and layed on the bed , I somehow managed to fall asleep . After i woke up i heard a bunch of dinging on my phone , I scroll down to see the source of this dinging.
“You have been added in a group chat with Abby and 17 others.”
I'm so confused , as scrolling through my heart is falling deeper and deeper into my stomach . All these are , are hate comments. Abbys saying mean things too.
“Kill yourself!” from (777)555-8789.
“Guys the only reason why he isn’t answering is because he’s probably breeding with some girl” from (785)555-8976.
“Abby, didn’t you guys date?” from (777)283-1287.
“Ew, no, he thought we were , when we weren't. He has some kind of mental problem.” from Abby.
Why? Why would she say that ? She’s the one who asked me out. My heart feels like it has shattered . The color of my heart is turning gray, I swear i'm not mental. You ARE mental , You’ll NEVER be good enough. No one would miss you.
“Get out ! Get out of my head! I don't want you in my head again!” I scream.
My mom comes running in, she sees my face red filled with tears . I'm on the ground at this point . She gets down on the ground and holds me , i suspect she knows i'm getting bullied already by of what happened today .
“Honey, what’s wrong?” my mom says in a worried tone.
I threw my phone on the ground, not being able to breath, the voices… the voices are back.
“Honey, don’t throw your phone.. Take a breath and tell me what’s wrong.” My mom says.
“They’re back…” I try saying while catching my breath.
“Who’s back?” My mom says in confusion.
“The voices.” I say.
My mom nods her head and tells me to go to sleep. So i do, again. I wanted this time here to be a good time, but every time something good happens to me something messes it up, do I mess it up?
Yes, you do mess it up, you’re the reason your mom is always upset.
Stop. Stop thinking like that. I walk out of the room and go up to the roof, I sit by one of the AC’s I keep looking at the messages that came from the group chat. I go to the edge of the roof, I’ve never been afraid of heights, I look down at my phone and see a text from Abby.
“I love you.”
“Goodbye.” I reply.
Do it. I looked over the edge staring at the cars below,I stepped forward and I was falling I felt like a feather as I welcomed what came next.
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