forgive me i'm trying to find
my calling i'm calling at night
i don't mean to be a bother but have you seen this girl?
she's been runnin' through my dreams
and it's drivin' me crazy, it seems
i'm gonna ask her to marry me

even though she doesn't believe in love
he's determine to call her bluff
who could deny these butterflies?
they're fillin' his gut
wakin' the neighbors,
unfamiliar faces
he pleads, oh he tries,
but he's only denied
now he's dying to get inside



As she left his house, brown hair swaying behind her when she walked down the sidewalk and to her car, the butterflies and somersaults were having their ways with him. She smiled back at him and waved, and Joseph watched her car melt away into the sun. She had helped clean him up; he no longer smelled of alcohol, and he had finally taken a shower. She had made him human again, and really, she was the closet thing he could have ever related to humanity.

The hours passed like days, and at around eight pm, he stood up from his couch. Bored out of his mind, Joseph began to pace around for no real reason, pondering a number of things. Why didn't she believe in love? He had told her about how he'd felt, and she seemed to have handled it well. He was becoming so determined, she had said, and Joseph could tell that she wanted to say 'but you have to try harder'.

This caused him to lose his temper and he began to throw things, whatever he could find. What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he satisfy her needs? He was screaming now, throwing lamps through the windows, throwing tables, chairs, books, food... anything he could get his now clean hands on. Hot tears ran down his cheeks that burned his skin, for he hated crying with a passion. But she knew just how to break him down, just how to make him shatter... she knew everything about him.

Joseph hadn't realized that his next door neighbor - a single man in his late forties - had came over to join him. Still having his fit, the neighbor was unacknowledged, until he was ran up to and pulled down into a hug. His screams grew louder and he began to thrash, but the man wouldn't give in. He held the younger man down until he was just a lump in his arms, sobbing.


He begged and begged his neighbor who he knew so little about, begged him to be let in. The forty-year-old was only confused but continued to stroke Joseph's back in a loving manner. Because Joseph had age on the man, they had managed to fall on the floor within the ocean of breaking things, and they were curled up like father and son. The young man continued to beg, that she was all he ever wanted, that he would do anything to have her in his arms...
Only it was never to happen.

forgive me i'm trying to find
my calling i'm calling at night
i don't mean to be a bother but have you seen this girl?
she's been runnin' through my dreams
and it's drivin' me crazy, it seems
i'm gonna ask her to marry me

the neighbor said she moved away
funny how it rained all day
i didn't think much of it then
but it's starting to all make sense
oh, i can see now
that all of these clouds are
following me in my desperate endeavor
to find my whoever
wherever she may be





About a month after his little episode, his neighbor had gotten him into counseling. His councilor was saying how he was getting better and better, and that he should be getting a job soon. Joseph had blocked out any thought of her, but she was still a hot topic in his dreams. And the dreams were beginning to feel more and more real, and even his councilor agreed that he should go and talk to her, see if they could ever be friends. With a little research, he found her again, and was walking his way up to her apartment.


Joseph knocked for what felt like hours, but there was no answer. After hearing his knocks and callings of her name, a neighbor answered from their door and called him over. The woman stated that she had moved about a month ago, and gave the date of the day they had been together. He tried to tell himself that she would have had to had move anyway, but he knew that she had moved because of him. Now that he looked back, he realized how obsessive he had been, and how he must have scared her off...


He thanked the neighbor and quickly left the building, the rain greeting him. It had been raining so much since that dreadful day, and everything was beginning to click inside him. The large clouds of depression hung over his head again, and they kept following him, wherever he went. Why wasn't he worth anything? Why, why, why! He beat the nearest mailbox to death, trying so hard to figure out what was wrong with him that pushed people away.



The councilor had told him numerous breathing methods to keep his calm, but there was no breathing right now. He needed to vent out all his anger and hate for himself, whatever the consequence. He was screaming as he destroyed anything in his path, before he decided to just give himself up. He could hear police sirens in the distance, and a few people were coming towards him. Rapidly looking around, he tried to find something, anything, to take him out of this life as quickly as possible.



It must have been just his luck, because a city bus was driving by. It wasn't moving the fastest, but fast enough if he dived under the wheels... and he did just that. Joseph ran over to the white bus and, unnoticed by the driver, made a good dive just in front of the bus. He screamed out one final time that he loved her, that she was his world, before the tires flattened him like a pancake and everything went black.

i'm not coming back
i've done something so terrible,
terrified to speak to you but you'd expect that from me
i'm mixed up, i'll be gone
now the rain is just washin' you out of my hair
and out of my mind
keepin' an eye on the world
so many of thousands of feet off the ground
i'm over you now
i'm at home in the clouds, towering over your head


Just a day after his suicide, Maryanne was sitting in her new house, on the new couch, reading a new book. Yes, her life had taken a turn for the best, and there was no way to describe how thankful she was for it. Everything was becoming so perfect. Joseph was out of her life, and the news was reporting good weather for the rest of the week. What else could make her day better?

An incoming report aired on the news channel now, an African-American woman standing in front of an ambulance, and about a hundred and counting people behind a yellow 'DO NOT CROSS' tape. She spoke of how twenty-two-year-old Joseph Marks had jumped in front of the passing city bus. He was killed almost instantly when his head was smashed under the weight of the tires, leaving the bus driver completely guilt-stricken. Witnesses had said he had screamed out the words 'I love Maryanne, Maryanne is my world' before he jumped under.

Later that night, as the reports on his suicide grew, they had gotten his councilor onto the show. He explained how Joseph was becoming insane, but he seemed to have been making progress. When he had first came in, he had been ready to kill anyone and thing to get to his Maryanne, and after a month, seemed able to control his rages. The councilor had brought in his former patient's diary and was summarizing a few entries, explaining how Joseph was still sick as a dog, but there had been hope.

Maryanne had stayed tuned in to the rest of the reports, and amused by it all. At one point, she had actually fallen for Joseph, which made her want to push him away. A sociopath didn't have emotions; it was impossible. So, she had been cruel enough to drive him to suicide, and had enjoyed every second of it. She was sick and cruel and would need more help than Joseph could ever dream of, but no one knew that.
She was just an average American citizen.