11/28/11

My Name is Kiara, but they call me Kiwi. “They” meaning my “family”. The same family who is never home, always drunk, and whoring around all of California. The same family that left me at the YMCA when I was 10 years old. They didn’t mean to, so they say, but I beg to differ. After all, it was my birthday and the rest of the family went to my birthday dinner at Outback Steakhouse. . . .without me. Didn’t they realize that I wasn’t there, eh, I don’t know. . . . when I wasn’t loading into the car with the rest of the kids? That’s what you get when you are the middle child. You are ignored. And no one really worries about you. You are left to fin for yourself. Of coarse it's not as bad as I'm making it out to be. My little brother Ethan says I'm jealous of him. And my older sister Christina isn't even around anymore. She moved far away when I was younger. Oh well. I guess it isn't as bad as I say. My Dad and brother are half normal. They keep me sane.
That’s the life of me, Kiara “Kiwi” Ryan.


12/6/11
Well Mom’s at it again.
Dam drugs.
Heroin, cocain. . . anything else mom?

12/8/11
When ever my mom leaves for “a few hours”
she’s gone for the whole night.
Where is she going, no idea.
When she comes home, she smells like stale beer and cigarette smoke
and her hair is messy and thrown up in a bun.
She’s exhausted. She’s out of it.
She’s high. She’s hungover.
It’s like the devil came up from hell and landed in my family room.
FML.

Kiwi.

12/9/11
Today’s been a good day.
Went too school.
Came home.
Had a bowl of cheerios.
Thee drama will begin in about.. . 2 hours. Be back later.
Kiwi

12/9/11 LATER
Welp, I was right. Drama started.
Mom and dad are fighting. Nothing else is new.
When I try to step in, I just get pushed to the side.
Left alone, no one will listen. Too hell with 'em.
I feel like the only thing I have anymore is you. This diary.
This diary right here, I know I can trust. With all my thoughts
dreams, and ambitions. I can always come to this diary.
This diary, right here.
Kiwi


12/10/11
OH!!!!!!!
So this is love.
Diary, diary, diary. This is love!
Today my all time crush, Carson Fey, kissed me
oh so softly on the lips. Oh GOD! Then, asked me
to the winter snowball dance at school. AH! I better
hurry and get a dress picked out, and shoes, and hair, and
nails, and. . .
a job so I can afford all this.

12/11/11
Today was good.
That is all.

12/12/11
All I remember is watching my dad run too
his car, jump in, gander around for the keys,
finally finding them, turning on the ignition, and peeling
out of our drive way like a bat out of hell.
Not knowing where my mom is. . . is that scary?
Or is that in OUR best interest. Where could she be?
I wonder if she left us or if something terrible has happened.
Oh well.
NOW, I wait.


12/13/11
Diary,

I’m so terribly sorry to say, I will
be leaving you behind for a day or two. I have too
get thee hell out of this house. Dad finally found mom
passed out in the alley across from Steak n’ shake.
Anyway, I’ll be back in a couple of days. I just gotta
take some time to myself. I’ll miss you.

Kiwi.

12/13/11
HEYYY KIWI!!!
learn how to LOCK your diary! (:
Love, your baby brother

Ethan!
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!



12/15/11
I’m back. WOW! My brother.
Gosh, I love the kid, but boy do I hate him!
But forget him!!!!
Because boy do I have a lot to tell you.
Get ready for this, because, it’s a lot.
So like I said, I had to get away from all this
craziness. So, I took a little drive to Carsons house, picked
him up, and headed to the beach. YES. I know. It’s winter.
What the hell was I thinking? But we bundled up real nice.
We cuddled on a blanket in the soft sand. Of coarse it wasn’t to soft
due to the lack of warmth and sunshine, but, hey. It was the best I could do.
Carson and I decided to go to Bryanna Crow's house warming party.
She graduated two years ago, and is already out of college, in her
own place, and happily engaged to the person she has been with since
6th grade. Maybe me and Carson will be like that. Well, I mean, we have
only been together since the middle of Junior year. And it’s only been like
I don’t know, 5 days? Haha.
Anyway, we went to this party, and now I understand why my mom
does the things she does. Let me describe this party in “fragments”.
Stations. White powder. Green grass. Urine colored drinks that make you “buzz”
head spinning. People laughing. All around me, illusions. Reality, but fake.
The smell of stale beer, and cigarette smoke surrounds us, as I almost immediately
think about my Mom. Thinking of me mom, makes me wonder what it is she loves
about this scene. So why not take a walk in her shoes?
I pick up the swirl colored glass piece.
I inhale deeply. . . whoops, too much.
As I went from station to station, hitting everything they had, doing all these
different drugs, I realized that what I was doing, was going too affect me in the
worst possible ways. I was going to wake up tomorrow, half dead. I may not wake up
at all. I did wake up though. I woke up in a bed. With Carson. And I think you can guess
what happened. No need for me to explain. GOD! I’m so stupid. I’m the good child. Why?
Why would my mother do this s***?! Why? This is not fun. This is horrible
Although, I felt good for a little while. But then, thinking about all the crap
my mom has put me and my dad through. My dad. My poor dad. How would he feel
if he knew I was doing all this stuff. How would he feel knowing that the two most important
women in his life, were doing drugs. I’m dead inside just thinking about it. God.
What have I done? What will I do?











12/16/11
Snowball is three days away. And I Have no dress.
Mom won't buy me one because she says that I don't
need to be going to dances. But then Dad said that it would
be an experience that I can't miss out on. So he has agreed to
pay for all the expenses. I love my dad so much. Well I gotta go.
Dad is calling for me.
Off to get my dress.

Kiwi!

12/16/11 LATER
Me and my dad had such a great day today!
First we went to get my dress and my shoes.
My dress is knee length. Black and purple.
And it flows perfectly when I twirl. My shoes
are black open toed heels. I look so beautiful.
Then we went and he surprised me by getting my
nails done. Short and Square with a purple tip
and a silver sparkly line underneath the purple.
Thanks you so much, Daddy.
Kiwi

12/17/11
Carson came by today! (:
He showed me his outfit that he's wearing to snowball.
A pair of black pants with a black shirt and purple tie.
He's so cute. And he brought me a flower when he came.
Now if that's not cute I don't know what is.
Kiwi

12/19/11
Today's the day! Snowball.
It's gonna be a good one. I'll let you know later.
I gotta get ready! So excited.
Kiwi

12/19/11 LATER
Wow. Snowball was amazing.
We danced the night away! It was like an actual fairy tail.
We danced to every slow song, his arms wrapped gently around my waste.
Was he to scared to go any tighter, or was he just being polite?
I placed my arms gently around his neck to match his grasp.
Our bodies so close that paper couldn't fit paper in between.
So comfortable, so close, so right.
Everything about it was so right.
At the end of the night, we went to steak n' shake
and shared a milk shake. We both ordered our chicken sandwiches the same:
lettuce, onion, Mayo, and NO tomato. We are perfect I swear.

Kiwi
12/20/11
So my most amazing night ever is over with.
And all I have left is the memories. The memory of Carson
kissing me so gently by the lake when we got home. They
memory of realizing how amazing he is to me.
All the memories rolled into one. AGH! The most amazing night
ever. Carson told me that he wouldn't want to be with anyone else
last night. No one else but me. Tonight he is taking me on a surprise date
and I hope it's what I think it is. And I shall not right about it, because then
I will jinx myself. Haha. Talk to you later!

Kiwi

12/21/11
well hello there!
So sorry that I didn't write to you last night. My date was so amazing.
I just went straight to bed after I got it. The night included a Candle lit
picnic on his peer followed by some slow dancing. (he said that was to
recreate our “first date”) After we danced for some amount of time, we went for
a walk around his 2 acre pond. It's not what I thought it was going to be. But
it was even better.
I think today I'm spending the day with my dad. We are going to lunch and
shopping for me some new clothes. It's been awhile since I've been shopping for
myself (besides snowball) but it's going to be a daddy-daughter day! Just me and him!

Kiwi

12/23/11
Well, tonight I'm going to Bryanna's house. Who knows what kind
of fun adventures we'll get ourselves into. Haha.
Off like a prom dress! (:

12/23/11 LATER
“'Bout now its 1:30 am. 11 Percocets just entered me.
15 minutes from this second I'll be crawling on my knees
Laughing at the crowd of all the clowns that are surrounding me.
Take another loritab to calm me down and let me see.”



- Lil Wyte
This is the song that keeps playing in my mind. Over and over again.
And it's because I know that I'm high. I'm high off a lot.
I'm way higher than I have ever imagined, but I'm still sociable.
I can still hold my own. I am just way “faded”. I'm relaxed and I
can't remember what happened 5 seconds ago. So it's kind of like, '
I'm holding a conversation with someone, and then 5 seconds later
I have to think about what we are talking about. I can't decide if it's
a good high or a bad high. At least everything in my mind right now
is reality. At least everything is happening the real way.

Kiwi



12/24/11
This morning I woke up to Carson. It was awesome, but I'm pretty sure
last night he wasn't acting like himself. He was acting like a dog who had
been away from it's owner for a week and finally reuniting. All over me.
Excited to be in my presence. Introducing me to everyone as his “girlfriend”
which doesn't bother me, I mean, I guess I am his girlfriend. But he's usually
the type to just go on about his business. I don't know. It was weird. I mean I
know that their were other drugs at the party last night. Other than weed and pills.
But I don't think he would have done them. Not without telling me at least. Maybe
he would. . . . Confused.

Kiwi

12/25/11
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
What a beautiful Christmas day. Everything is perfect.
Christmas part tonight at Carsons friends house. I have yet to meet this person.
Hopefully it's a blast.

12/26/11
Well, I now know for sure what Carson is doing at these parties we go to.
Blow. My Mom's drug of choice. Cocaine. What the hell is he thinking? And I
know I sound like a dumb ass right now because I have done some drugs myself.
But I can't have someone that is exactly like my mom. I just can't have that.
I could scream right now. I need to escape and get the hell out of here.

Kiwi

12/28/11
Yet another party I shall go to tonight.
And I don't even know if I want to invite Carson. He's so different
lately. He doesn't even stay sober anymore. And, I don't want to take
the chance on him embarrassing me. And I think he might.

Kiwi

1/1/12
WELL HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It's going to be an awesome night. Party, Carson, and anything else.
I'll write to you in a little bit.

Kiwi











1/1/12 LATER
Finger tip to finger tip is how this went.
Dim lights and a lot of candles.
It's all kind of a blur though.
Me and Carson were laying there, talking, cuddling.
And It's obvious that sparks are flying. It's obvious that
we are in love and we are going to go all the way. Willingly.
Not high. No drunk. Totally sober.
We did. It was beautiful, and I wouldn't take it back for anything.
I am so absolutely in love with him. They way his lips taste. The way
his body presses against mine gently, and the soft touches I receive.
Our relationship is getting somewhere. It's getting somewhere and I
don't want it to ever go back to anything less.

Kiwi

1/3/12

Neon lights spin around me. Vibrating like a pin
ball machine. Speed. Fast and Furious. Am I dying? At the
bottom of the tunnel, is death. And I'm spiraling down it, like
a penny in the wish things. Am I dying? I think this is the end.
I think this is where I die. Is this death? Why am I dying?
I’ve always said I wanted to die, but now that it’s happening,
I want it to stop. I take it all back. I don’t want to die anymore.
Please just make this stop. These are my thoughts of the night.
Dead girl writing.
Kiwi

1.4.12

The only knowledge I have of last night, is from
the diary entry I made. I remember feeling like dying. I remember
feeling like a human pin ball machine. I remember feeling the
vibrations of everything I bumped into. But I don’t remember anything
beyond that. I don’t even remember writing in here.
I feel sick. And I have a headache.
Sorry. I can’t write anymore.

Kiwi

1.4.12 LATER
My apologies about earlier. I’ve pretty much slept the day away.
I’m really excited that I found you and now I can vent all
day, everyday. Whenever I want. Fun Fun.
I have school tomorrow, and I’m not happy about it.
And on top of all that, mom left.
Where is she going? Probably to sleep with all of CA and get
high. Whatever. Who cares? The house is more quiet when she is
gone anyway. No fighting, no hitting, my dad is somewhat happy.
Seriously, my mom should just move out, and leave us all alone.
That would be better than looking at a doped up whore everyday.

Kiwi.

1.6.12
The adrenaline. The agony. The allure.
I’m addicted to the adrenaline.
I’m addicted to the allure.
The rush and the speed. The adrenaline.
Oh my God the adrenaline.


1.7.12
I’m out of this place! My mom is a crazy psycho b****!
I shouldn’t say that. It’s not appropriate. But she is!
She hit me! She busted my lip! She hit me and busted my lip!
Why didn’t I hit her back? I should have hit her back! I don’t
know why I didn’t. She hit me for literally no reason at all!
All I said was that I wanted my old mom back. I don’t want some
drugged out loser for a mom. And then, WHACK! She hit me!
She hasn’t heard that last from me.

1.8.12
Pills.
That is all I have to say.
Kiwi.

1.12.12
All of the pain I have ever experienced, has been controlled
by everyone around me. They control the pressure they put on
me. They control how far they take it. They control everything.
But this time, this time. . . it’s me. I’m going to be in charge
of the pain. I’m going to say when it’s enough. I’m going to
control this. ME! It’s my turn.


1/14/12
I’d explain what I did,
but you’ll never understand

kiwi

1/15/12
Carson loves me.
That is all I need.
I don’t need my mom
I don’t need anyone
Just Carson

kiwi




1/16/12
Things between me and my mom are getting Physical
Dad helps me but there isn’t much he can do at this point.
She's out of control. She’s drinking. And She’s high.
And well. . . well, she’s Kelly.

1/17/12
Tonight will be perfect.
I’m going too Bryanna's house for a little fiesta, if you will.
maybe I’ll get a little crazy. Maybe I’ll let my hair down. This girl is not holding back.
From Kiwi to Kiara.