I have had cancer since eighth grade. I lost my friends once they found out, all but Blake, that is. I know that I'm going to die, I've known it since I found out that I have cancer. My dad then left my mom, who shut herself into a deep shell where there is no happiness. She only just came back and started being the mother that I need. I know that she won't ever date again, but I don't care. My mom doesn't need another guy to break her heart. They are all jerks. All but Blake.

Blake stares at Lesley intensely and his eyes never leave her back. Lesley laughs and flirts with all the boys around her. She flicks her golden curls and the smell of strawberries erupts around us. Blake sighs and his eyes finally drift away from Lesley.

"Hey Ruby, can you help me with something?" Blake looks over at me and smiles. I roll my eyes and yet smile hopefully.

"With what Blake?" I try to sound interested, even though I already know what he wants.

"Well, I want to know if it would be at all possible for me to actually talk to Lesley. Could you help?"

I grind my teeth angrily and stare at Lesley's back. She turns slightly and meets my gaze questioningly. Blake has been in love with Lesley since eighth grade. And I have been in love with Blake since fourth grade, when I first moved here. I know that I can't force Blake to have feelings for me, so I know that I have to help him with Lesley.

"Of course. I will talk to her." I stand up and walk away from everyone. I end up finding myself in the girls' bathroom, crying in one of the stalls. Girls pass in and out, talking about some boy who looked at them. I stay in the bathroom until all of my classes are over. I leave and find Lesley in the hall. She is alone, which is very rare. She turns and looks at me. Her eyes grow wide as she takes in my blood red eyes. I smile quietly and walk up to her.

"I saw you at lunch. You looked really mad at me. Did I do something?" She looks at me as if she is afraid.

I shake my head. "No you didn't. I just wasn't happy at the moment and happened to be staring at you. I came to apologize."

She nods her head thoughtfully. "Apology accepted. And tell Blake that him and I will have to hang out soon. I think he is really cute." She says and walks away.
**********************************************

"Are you sure that's all she said?" Blake says frustratingly. "Only that we have to hang out soon?"

I want to nod, but I can't. I shake my head ruefully. "No. She said that you are cute."

Blake jumps in the air, only to hit my ceiling. He yelps and falls back onto my couch. "You need to fix your ceiling Rubes! I have to go." He leaves my room without another word. I lay on my bed, and huddle into a little ball. Blake hadn't asked about my red eyes. I'm not even sure if he had noticed. He just came in, asked about Lesley, and left. I cry again and eventually fall asleep.

I wake up a few hours later and run into the bathroom, clutching my hand to my stomach. I lift the toilet seat and instantly start barfing. My mom walks in, her hair frizzled up. She pats my back slowly and lifts my hair from my face.

As the contents of my stomach leave, tears sting my eyes. I press my hand up to my eyes shamefully. My mom sees this and holds me in her arms, whispering about how much she loves me, and how strong I am. I whimper and fall back, the vomiting coming to an end. I leave the bathroom and go back to bed, with a bucket at my side. I awake three more times in the night and barf until there is nothing left. My stomach aches and my teeth start rotting up. I walk weakly into the bathroom and brush away all of the vomit. My muscles ache and my head hurts.

I don't go to school today, as I have to stay in my bed. My mom gives me some applesauce and tea, which is very good. She calls for the doctor, because I am too sick to leave the house. He moves his hands around me and asks questions. After several moments he lays his clipboard down and stares at me through his thick glasses. "It turns out that you have the flu. You will become weak, have a cough, and have body aches. You will have difficulty in breathing, experience dizziness, and confusion. You will vomit a lot and it won't be very fun. I am going to need to talk to your mom now." He pats my shoulder sympathetically and walks out into the hall. I hear him whisper and my mom starts crying. They talk in low voices, and yet my mom's voice goes up an octave every minute or so. I lean into my pillow and fall asleep.

Once I wake, my breathing slows down, only to speed back up. I remind myself to breath in, and out, and in again. I stay like this for what seems like forever. Eventually my mom walks in and her eyes are stained red. She sits by my bed and holds my hand. "I have news, Ruby." She sighs and looks out the window. She obviously doesn't like the sight of me ill. "The first is that Blake called to let you know that him and Lesley are going out tonight. He sends his regrets and says that he will be seeing you tomorrow." Tears come out then and she squeezes my hand. I feel my eyes grow wide with fear. I have never seen my mom like this before, and it fills me with pain to see it. "The second is that you probably won't survive. The doctor says that you will only last until three months, at the most. He says that you having cancer doesn't help at all. I'm so sorry, baby." She breaks down then and falls into my arms. "I don't want you to go. I want you to stay forever." She cries and cries, seeming to never be able to stop. I pat her back slowly, thinking of what she just said.

Blake is gone on a date with Lesley. Either he didn't care that I'm sick, or Lesley forced him to go no matter what. And then there was the fact that I am dying and won't see sixteen years of a lovely and healthy life. I've been doing fine with cancer. Of course I knew that I would be dying in my teens or twenties. But only fifteen? I didn't want that. I want to be able to stay alive and hold Blake's hand. Tell Blake how I feel about him. But now I have to do that on my death bed. Or maybe just not at all.

So this is what I was born for. Just to die so soon and early in life. Tears stream down my face and I start screaming. My mom looks at me with wide eyes. She holds me down as I try to get out of my bed. Her face is full of torture and tears and I realize just what I'm doing to her. I stop quickly and put my hands up to my face. My mom lays her head down on my chest and soon I am damp from tears. I hesitate but then quickly put my hands on top of her head. It's shaking violently and I try to calm her. She eventually settles down and leaves my room. And that's when it all really starts. Depression clouds around me, I'm dizzy, I'm definitely confused, and vomiting everywhere. And this is how it is for the next three days.

Blake never checks in on me. I'm not even surprised. He was pretty mad when he left my house the other day. I personally blame my ceiling. Pain shoots through my body and I cringe in fear. This is how it will have to be until I die. And each day grows worse and worse. I sink my head into my pillow and wait while it soaks up with tears. Each passing minute is tiny hope leaving my body. The doctor had said that if he finds out more about it, he will come and tell us. I weakly stand up and force myself into the kitchen. My mom is sitting at the table, weeping into her small hands. I push myself forward, to show her I can still do it. She lifts her head up and her eyes are full of hope. I walk to the refrigerator and grab the strawberries. Just a handful will have to do it. I sit by my mom and put my frail hand on her strong, healthy one.

"What's wrong, mom?" My voice cracks with worry and my body starts shaking from walking too much. My mom shakes her head slowly, her frizzled hair flopping around her face.

"Your dad came over today. He was upset that you were sleeping and yelled at me. And then he left." Her body starts shaking and she puts a hand up to her mouth, holding it there with all the strength she could muster. I shudder at the sight of it. "He doesn't want to lose you, either. You know that right?" I nod my head, only to reassure her. "I'm the only one he hates." She sighs and stands up.

"Mom. When I leave, I don't want you to hide in your shell like you did when dad left. Just know that I still love you, and I always will, no matter what." I leave the kitchen and walk back into my room, the bowl of strawberries in my hand. I sit gratefully on my couch and stare out the window. It is sunny, no clouds at all. Kids run around, laughter coming from their mouths and eyes. I remember when I was just a child. Nothing mattered to me then. I would slush through the mud in the Spring, like today. I would laugh and throw mud pies at my friends who later will desert me. My friends who don't want to be around someone with cancer. All of them but Blake. He always stayed by my side. Until now, that is.

Today is the last day of school, and I don't get to celebrate it with my friends. Blake promised me that he would come today, and yet there is no sight of him anywhere. But I still have hope. Hope is my only friend. My constant companion. I miss Blake, and hope is the only thing that says that he is coming. I sigh and pick up my book. It falls to the ground, my weak hand not able to hold it. I furrow my brow and lean forward to grab it. As I do this, I glance out the window and see a glimpse of Blake at my door. My heart rate accelerates and I fall back into my couch. I hear my mom talking downstairs and soon there are footsteps coming up.

Blake is in the doorway, a grin on his face. He comes and sits next to me on the couch. "Hey." He seems a bit sad and I don't like it.

"Hey. What's wrong?"

"Lesley isn't my type anymore, I guess. I should have known, but.." He shakes his head ruefully and stares out the window, his eyes lifeless and far away. He sighs and looks down at his hands. "You probably want to know what happened." I nod encouragingly and he continues. "We went on a date on Wednesday. She was all happy and laughing. She seemed to like me then, but it was all fake. After that night, she has ignored me since." He laughs sadly. "I should have guessed. I knew it was too good to be true."

"It's my fault Blake. I'm the one that set you guys up and told you that she said you are cute. I shouldn't have." I shake my head in disappointment of myself. "I'm sorry."

"No. It wasn't your fault. I'm the one who told you to do it. It's my fault and I'm sorry." He places his hand on top of mine and squeezes it slightly. "So how are you feeling?"

I laugh quietly to myself and look at him in amazement. "She didn't tell you, did she?" He looks confused, so I know that I have to tell him myself. I sigh and look out the window. Now it's me who's far away. "I'm dying, Blake. The doctor says I won't see four months. Maybe not even three. I hope I can be here for your birthday, at least." I look back at Blake. He is staring at me as if I have gone crazy. He doesn't believe what I'm saying. I understand. I wouldn't want to either. "It's fine, Blake. I have accepted the idea that this is meant to be. I'm at least living fine with the thought."

Blake shakes his head vigorously. "No. It isn't true. It can't be. Ruby, please don't leave me. I don't know what I will do once you are gone. Please stay, Ruby. For me." His body is shaking and tears are pouring down his face.

I swallow to moisten my throat. "I can't Blake. I'm sorry. If I had a choice, I would stay with you. But I can't." I start crying myself and my head automatically falls into my lap. We sit here, crying with each other, for what seems like forever. Eventually I can't take it anymore. "Can I tell you something, Blake?"

"Of course." His voice is dry and he is still struggling to talk and be heard.

"Since like fourth grade, I have been in love with you. I just want you to know that, because I will be dying soon. It's always good to let someone know that sometime in your lifetime, right?" I laugh weakly, forcing it out. Blake looks at me with his mouth wide, his eyes full of amazement.

"Wow. That's a long time." His hands start shaking and he looks away from me. "I'm sorry, Ruby." He stands up and walks to the door. "I have to go. I will see you soon, though. 'Bye." He leaves without another word and more tears come out then. I at least did it. I don't know how he feels about me, but now he knows how I feel about him. I am dying, I had to tell him. I walk to my bed, falling weakly with a long sigh. My head finds the pillow and I huddle into a small ball. The blankets wrap around me, forcing warmth against my body. I'm numb, I'm confused of what just happened, and I'm full of pain. I don't want to leave at all. I don't want this to happen. And most of all, I don't want Blake to be upset with me. Darkness erupts around me and I gladly fall into it. Sleep is just what I need right now.