I miss a week of school after Jed’s funeral. That’s all I was allowed. Anything more than that and I would be behind and no one want’s that to happen. No one wants a senior to get behind in all their blow off classes. It’s not like I had enough credit to graduate last semester, but I had to stick around because…well, just because I suppose.
I get in my car then head over to Hannah’s. The car put in park, I text Hannah that I’m outside. She emerges from her front door a couple of minutes later. “You have no idea how glad I am to have you back.” She says climbing into the passenger seat. “You mean my car.” I say. “Well, I am glad about the car, but mostly you.” I look at her skeptically. “Mostly.” She says unconvincingly. I smile putting the car in drive. “You ready to go back?” she asks. “Do I have a choice.” I respond. “I guess not.” She says. She fiddles with the vent trying to get the right amount of heat out. “Decker’s been an ass.” She says. “What’s new?” I scoff. “Well, Tyler hasn’t been playing his guitar.” Her gaze bores into the side of my face. “What a shame.” I say dryly. “You’re seriously not going to tell me what happened?” I remain silent. “Sometimes you worry me, Laura.” Her along with everyone else. “You said he knew something. What did he know?” Ignoring her, I keep my eyes firmly planted on the road. “Hello, Laura.” We come to a stop sign and I turn towards her with my most reassuring face. “Don’t worry, Hannah Banana. I’m fine.” “I never asked if you were okay.” She says shifting her gaze towards the road. “No,” I say. “I guess you didn’t.”

Hannah and I go our separate ways once we get in school. I muddle my way through the first three periods until lunch brings me my reprieve. As soon as the bell rings, I head to the court yard and see my friends sitting in our usual spot, but then I remember the funeral and Tyler’s guitar and decide maybe it’s better that I don’t join them. I turn around abruptly and smack into someone. “Sorry.” I say briefly looking up. “Funeral buddy.” Says the person I slammed into. I look up to see that it’s the same guy from the cemetery. “You’re shitting me.” I say. “What are the chances.” He says. “Yeah, what are they?” I ask skeptically. “You go here.” He scoffs at this. “No. I’m here to pick up my little brother.” He points towards the court yard. “No.” I say disbelieved. “Decker.” He nods. “You’re Decker’s brother, Dylan.” I say. “You’re Decker’s gay older brother who’s in college.” He smiles at the description. “That’s me.” “What are you doing back home?” “Well,” he says. “I came for a funeral, and then I found it kind of hard to leave.” He looks at me suddenly excited, like something just clicked in his brain. “Wait a minute. Are you the bitchy girlfriend?” “He called me bitchy?” I say seething. “Did I say bitchy, because what I meant was a ray of sunshine. He called you a ray of sunshine.” I frown at him. “Hey,” he says punching my shoulder. I guess that was genetic thing. “You can’t be mad at me. We’re funeral buddies.” “Don’t say that. We’re not funeral buddies.” I say. “You say tomato….” He says looking over towards court yard where Decker waves him over. “I got to go, let’s continue this some other time.” Then he was off to meet Decker.

After Dylan leaves, I decided to spend lunch in the library. I wasn’t really that hungry anyway, plus I had some work to catch up on. Albeit meaningless work. Automatically I walk over to the corner table where Jed and I used to sit during our free block. The realization of this doesn’t hit me until I set bag down in the seat where Jed used to sit. Suddenly the thought of getting any work done seems laughable—if I was in any mood for laughing.

Almost reflexively, I reach into my bag and take out a piece of construction paper. Guided by months of experience, my hands automatically begin folding it into a paper crane. It was something I always did with Jed. I never really could focus when he was around, so I folded cranes instead while Jed struggled over some Calculus homework. I’d fold and he’s erase his problems over and over again, burning a hole through the paper. I’d fold so many cranes that they would fill the table top, frustrating Jed until he eventually stuffed them in his backpack. He must have accumulated hundreds of them over the years; thousands, maybe. The bell rings for fourth block and I pack my stuff to leave. I look over the table top left covered in a pile of origami; no one to clear away the mess. I shove them all into my backpack, but somehow the feeling isn’t the same. A thousand crushed cranes and not a single one of them brought peace.


The rest of the day goes by in a blur of kids shuffling to class, paper shuffling on desk tops, and time creeping by as slowly as it knows how. When the last bell rings, I skip, jump, and gallop my way to the parking lot. Hannah meets me a few minutes later with questions about why I wasn’t at lunch. I explain that I had work to catch up on, which wasn’t a lie. Then I tell her that I’ll probably need the whole week to catch up on it, which was a lie. Hannah accepts this explanation any way and thankfully we leave it at that.

Once I drop Hannah off, I head home. I pull into the driveway surprised to see my dad’s car outside. He’s usually never home this early. There’s also another car parked on the curb that I don’t recognize. I’m staring at the other car trying to see if I recognize it, when I enter the house, and standing in front of me is my dad’s receptionist, Brandi. Her hand is outstretched as if she was just reaching for the doorknob when I opened the door. “Oh, hi Laura.” She says. “You scared me there.” I stare at her skeptically. “Hey.” I reply. “I was just bringing your dad some files from work.” My skepticism starts to grow when I hear this. My dad was a dentist. What files did he have? Suddenly her expression changes to one of concern and she rest a hand on my shoulder. “Oh, and I’m sorry to hear about your friend.” I nod at her not wanting to say anything else. She gives my shoulder a squeeze then heads out the front door.
A minute later my dad arrives with files in his hand and his reading glasses on. “I didn’t hear you come in.” he says. “What kind of files does a dentist need?” “Just some insurance information.” He says. “Are you hungry? I can make you a sandwich.” A sandwich? Now he was definitely acting weird. “I’m fine. What are you doing here?” “I didn’t have any appointments this afternoon, so I decided to come home early. See how you were doing?” Feeling the weight of my backpack on my shoulders, I shift to adjust it. “So,” he asks. “How are you?” “Fine, I guess.” I respond. He looks a little disappointed by my answer. He takes off his glasses and I know he means business now. I should have just went upstairs when I had the chance. “Laura, I just wanted to apologize for how hard I was on you at the funeral. I said some things that I shouldn’t have, and you didn’t deserve that.” These were always the kind of talks that I hated and he loved to just spring on you at any moment. When I don’t respond he moves in to hug me. I can feel his chin resting on top of my head. “Forgive me, monkey?” There was that nickname that I hadn’t heard in years. It brought me back to a time before Jed and too tight funeral dresses. I wrap my arms around him and squeeze. “Yeah, I forgive you, Dad.”
Up in my room, I huddle on my bed with my laptop and Jed’s hoodie. Netflix streaming at high quality. I’m not even entirely sure what show I’m watching, but I let the episodes eat away my evening anyway. This used to seem more meaningful when it was Jed and I doing it. I try to force myself not to think about that. The whole point of Netflix was to escape life for a little while or what was missing from life. Around the fifth episode of what I’ve come to conclude is some kind of Norwegian police drama, someone knocks on my door. “Come in,” I say assuming that it’s one of my parents, but I’m surprised to see Tyler standing in my doorway.
He looks around my room soaking everything in. “I’ve never actually been in here before.” He says. “It’s still exactly what I expected.” “What are you doing here?” I ask. “You broke my guitar.” He says examining my bookshelf. “If you’re looking for a new one, take it up with my dad. He’s the only one willing to get you one.” He looks back over towards me then. “You were right.” He says. “I knew about Jed, of course I did.” Of course he did. He was Tyler beholder of all things Jed. “I was the first to know and for a long time I was the only one to know. And you’re upset that I didn’t tell you about it, but are you really surprised. I mean, we’re not exactly the best of friends.” He his eyes wander down to Jed’s hoodies wrapped around me. Crossing my arms, I avert my gaze from him. “What do you want, Tyler?” “I wanted to tell you that the world does not revolve around you, Laura.” When I look back over to him, his face is full of pain. I stare back trying not to reflect some of it in my own face. “Is that all then?” “Yeah.” He says. With his fist clenched he leans his arm on my door frame, staring at the floor and contemplating something. Suddenly his head snaps up and knocks my frame once. “Yeah, Laura. That’s all.” Then he leaves.


The rest of the week of school looks a lot like Monday. I spend lunch in the library folding my cranes then I get home, feign some work, and then spend the rest of the time watching mind rotting television. On Friday, I am glad for the break the weekend will bring. Time away from everyone is exactly what I need right now. Hannah decided to get a ride from Lacey after school, so I was home free as soon as the last bell rang. A few hours later, I get a call from Hannah that interrupts my weekend of antisocialism.
“Lace and I are going to the movies later.”
I hear some mumbling in the background and music. And guessing by the type, I bet she’s at Lacey’s.
“And Anna.” She continues. “You should come.”
“I don’t know, Hannah. I’m not really in the mood.”
“Laura, we haven’t seen you in, like, the past three weeks. I know you think you’d rather be alone right now, but I think it’d be good for you to get out of the house.”
“I don’t think I’d rather be alone, I know I would.”
“Come on, Laura. It would just be a girl’s night. No Tyler, no Decker.” She whispers for Anna’s benefit I’m sure. I don’t understand how she could date him. Her shy and sweet nature should have clashed with Decker’s obnoxious, abrasive one years ago. “Please. Pretty please. For me. Do it for me, Laura.”
“Fine, Hannah.”
“Yes! I knew I’d break you down.”
“What time’s the movie?”
“8:00”
“Fine. See you then.”
I hang up the phone frustrated to now have plans. It was only 6:00 now. I had two hours to think of a way out of this.

About an hour later, I come up with an excuse to get me out of going to the movies. I love Hannah, I really do, but her constant caring can sometimes be too much to handle. Just as I’m about to call Hannah, there is a knock on my door. “Who is it?” I ask weary of another incident with Tyler. “It’s me, honey.” “Come in.” I say. My mom sticks her head into the open doorway. “What are you doing?” she asks. “Nothing.” I say mindlessly scrolling through my phone. Walking over to my bed, she has this certain pep in her step and I just know that she something planned for us. “I was thinking we could have a girl’s night tonight.” Of course she did. “It could be fun.” She adds. “Get you out of this funk.” I try not to roll my eyes into the back of my head. Funk. This is why I couldn’t have conversations with my mom.

“I can’t. I’m going out with Hannah later.” “Oh,” she says. If I didn’t know her better, I would even think she looks disappointed. But I did know her better, and I knew that in five minutes she will have forgotten about the whole proposal entirely then moved on to something else. “Well, another time then.” She says patting my leg. As soon as she leaves, I fall back on my bed, covering my face with my pillow. Great. Now I actually have to leave my room.

By the time 8:00 rolls around, I decide to suck it up and meet Hannah at the movies. I get in my car, back out of the driveway, and head towards the highway. With the radio off, all I can hear is the sound of Jed’s graduation tassel hitting my visor with every turn. It was the last thing he’d ever gave me.

“You don’t want to be here, do you?” he asks suddenly. I look up at him not wanting to answer his question with a lie. “It’s okay if you don’t.” Looking down at my hands, I find the courage that I couldn’t in Jed’s eyes. “I don’t want sit here and watch you die.” We’re both silent for a minute knowing that the reality has finally caught up to both of us. Jed stirs in his bed and I look up to see what he’s doing. In the top drawer of the nightstand by his bed, he pulls out a green and white tassel from our graduation caps. “My mom ordered one,” he explains. “I’m not really sure why though.” He grabs my hand and places the tassel in it. “This isn’t the end., Laura.” I look up at him tears welling in my eyes. “I know that we’re going to see each other again. Whether it’s in heaven or as ghosts or the next zombie apocalypse.” He chuckles at his own joke. “How are you so sure of that?” I ask.

“It’s just one of those things that you know. The stars are all going to burn out one by one. The earth is going to freeze over. Life as we know it will cease to exist and a new kind of life that we can’t even fathom into existence will begin. And I know that somewhere in the midst of all that, you and I going are to meet again.”
“Will it be just as good as the first time we met?”
“No, it’ll be better.”

I pass the exit to the movie theatre choosing instead to redirect my destination. I drive for miles in the dark; past the cars on the highway, past the trees in the forests. All the way out to a white church in the middle of nowhere.

The cemetery is pretty much deserted when I arrive. Finding Jed’s grave was easy despite the dark. The pathway was burned into my mind. The dirty around his grave was still fresh. I just stand there staring at his headstone, at the rectangle of dirt in front of me. It seemed impossible that he was down there, but it wasn’t him, not really. It was just a dummy made to look like him; a corpse painted and stuffed to replicate a spirit that was no longer there. The Jed I knew was gone. There was nothing else there for me.

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this.” Says a voice from behind surprising me. Dylan stands behind me in black pea coat with his hands in his pockets.
“What are you doing here?”
“Great minds think alike.”
“I was just leaving actually.” I start past him towards my car.
“It wasn’t what you thought it would be, is it?”
I turn back towards him his face serious. “No.”
“This isn’t my first time in a graveyard, but it’s different when it’s someone you were in love with, right, and not just someone you loved.”
“Yeah, I guess.” I keep moving wanting to be as far away from here as possible. Dylan follows.
“Was this your first funeral?”
“No.”
“It’s my seventh.”
“Are you trying to set a record?”
“My brother was right. You are just a ray of sunshine.”
Once I get to my car, and notice that Dylan is still trailing behind me, I turn around to face him. “Why are doing this?”
“Doing what?”
“Asking questions. Following me to my car.”
“I like you.”
“You’re gay, so you say.” He rolls his eyes then.
“Maybe I just want to be friends.”
“Maybe I have enough friends.”
“Maybe I saw you outside of that church during my brother’s friend’s funeral, and I remembered sitting in that exact spot trying not to lose my lunch after seeing Jeremy’s body in that casket. Maybe I saw you there and you reminded me of myself. And maybe, just maybe, I wanted to be your friend, because I thought you might be as lonely and confused as I am.”
Turning my keys over in my hand, I let everything he said sink in. “Get in.” I nod towards the passenger seat of my car, because maybe, just maybe, he was right.
“Where are we headed?” he asks. “I don’t know.” I say. “Somewhere.”


We drive for miles along back roads until we get to this abandoned park. Left uncut for what looks like the better half of a year, the grass reaches just above my knees. Dylan and I make our way to an old swing set with only two functioning swings. Once we sit down, Dylan immediately starts twisting in a circle. “You were that kid.” I say. “The spinny kid.” He smiles releasing his feet, sending himself spinning in a jagged circle. “You have a problem with that?” he asks. “Well, they’re not meant for that.” I joke. “Come on, where’s your sense of adventure?” I wanted to say that Jed had it, and Jed was dead.

Dylan stops spinning and leans his head against the chain towards me. A goofy grin rests on his face. “Tell me about Jeremy.” I say. His grin disappears and is replaced with a more sincere smile—a sadder smile. “Where can I start?” he says. “How about the beginning?” “The beginning. Yeah.” He tilts his head up towards the sky with his eyes closed. “Right. Well, Jer and I have known each other our whole lives. Our parents were best friends and eventually we became best friends too.” “When did you start dating?” I ask. “Not until the summer before we went off to college. We always knew that we had feelings for each other, but neither of us ever made a move. There was a lot jealousy and dating other people and pretending we didn’t want to be more than just friends, until one day I had enough and I just went for it; right on the floor of that graduation auditorium. While everyone else was throwing their caps up, I grabbed him and kissed him right there. There was no more pretending, no more dancing around the issue, there was just us, and four hundred of our classmates.”
“Did you go to the same college?” I ask. “No. Jeremy went to a Liberal Arts college half an hour away. He wanted to be an art major.” He gives me a look suggesting how silly he thought the idea was, and then he smiles slightly to himself as if remembering some private joke. “Jeremy was always like that. Very…whimsical, I guess. He liked art, he became an art major; he liked bowling he engraved his name into a bowling ball and bought custom gloves.” He rolls eyes then. I smile at thought of anyone buying custom bowling gloves. Suddenly Dylan’s face gets twisted into this ball of sadness and anguish. “He likes texting, he drives onto an intersection and gets t-boned by a semi-truck, because he wasn’t watching the road.” He stares at the patch of grass between us, but I have a feeling that what he’s looking for isn’t down there. It’s off in a cemetery in the middle of nowhere.
I reach my hand out ready to place it on his shoulder, then stop unsure if he’d even want that. Instead I wrap my hand around the chain of my swing. “Hey.” I say. Dylan lifts his head up. His eyes surprisingly dry. “When you were kids, did you Jeremy ever play the ‘who can jump the farthest of the swings’ game?” He smiles ever so slightly, realizing where I’m going with this. “I used to out jump all the kids on the playground.” He says. “Well you never went against me.” I rock back in my seat and start pumping my legs as hard as I can. Dylan takes a beat and then follows suit. He gains more speed and height faster than I do, and jumps before I’m ready to. Watching him soar through the air, I feel myself smiling like I was eight again.
After a few more kicks, I’m ready to jump. Soaring through the air, I see Dylan’s face matching my own. I land not so gracefully next to Dylan. I chuckle checking my body over to make sure I didn’t break anything. Once I’ve gathered that I haven’t badly injured myself, I look over to see who went farthest. When I see that Dylan is slightly behind me, I gasp. “You cheated!” I exclaim. “Did not.” He defends. “If anything, you did with the way you tumbled back here.” “I did not tumble.” I say. We continue this argument for about another two minutes. The whole time with ear to ear grins on our faces.
Dylan lies back in the grass with his arms outstretched. “Face it. I won and you know It.” he says. “I want a rematch.” I demand. I lie down in the grass next to him. His hand a few inches from my face. He turns towards me then. “So, did you and—“but he’s interrupted by my phone ringing. Appearing on my screen is Hannah’s smiling face. I had completely forgotten about the plans we made. Well, that she made for us. “Hello.” I answer cautiously knowing what’s coming next.
“Oh, so your phone is working.”
“Hey, Hannah.” I say back.
“What happened to you?” she asks concerned.
“The truth?” I ask.
“Obviously,” she says.
“I just did want to go.” I hear Hannah sigh on the other line. I can see her rubbing the bridge of her nose in frustration. “We can hang out some other time, Hannah.”
“Oh no, the night is not over. We’re all at Lacey’s. Meet us there.”
“Han.”
“Laura, this isn’t just about you.”
I hear an echo of my dad in Hannah’s words. You’re not the only one who lost him. Suddenly I realize the right thing to do. “Okay, Hannah. I’ll be there.”
“Good.”

I look back over to Dylan apologetically. “Time to go.” He says. I nod. “Yeah.” We head back to my car and drive the ten minutes to the church. In the parking lot of the church, Dylan and I say our goodbyes. “Thank you.” He says. “For what?” I ask. “For taking pity on me. For taking me somewhere. For making me laugh.” “I did it for both of us.” I say. He nods understandingly, and then he realizes something. He reaches over to grab my phone, I tighten my grip slightly wondering what he’s doing. Tilting his head to the side, he gives me a look that says ‘trust me,’ and so I do. He takes a picture of himself, types in his number, and then hands my phone back. Before stepping out of the car, he runs a thumb over Jed’s tassel and smiles. “See you around.”