I awake before him, like always, his rhythmic breaths echoing in the still of the night. I don’t open my eyes, not yet. There’s something about the feeling of my eyes fluttering open that snaps me back to reality, a reality I’m not ready to face just yet. I allow the events of last night to replay in my mind, the two thirty am phone call, the drinking, the sex.
Anthony still has his arms around me, suddenly the heat from his body is overwhelming. “Babe I’m gonna make some breakfast” I whisper in his ear as I wrestle myself free from his embrace. I’m standing in only his t-shirt making us eggs, bacon and toast, as he stumbles into the kitchen barely awake.
“Em, that smells amazing” he says, kissing my cheek. His grin is breathtaking as he looks at the breakfast I made. He runs his hands through his rustled black hair and sits at the breakfast bar and I join him. “So what time do you work today?”
“I’m actually off today”
“Any plans? I was thinking about making a trip out to Chippewa Falls today and you could join me if you want” he doesn’t even glance up at me, expecting a no.
“Actually that sounds really fun babe” I shock even myself when these words fall out of my mouth. I’ve been seeing Anthony romantically for three months now and every gesture he’s made at going somewhere together I’ve shut down. It’s not that I didn’t like him, that wasn’t it at all, it was just that I couldn’t let him into my life like that. He was an amazing guy and I knew he wanted something more, but I couldn’t bare to hurt him by refusing to stop seeing Travis so I ultimately avoided the progress of our relationship.
“Okay sweet, lets shower and then go” he simply says, trying to establish permanence before I change my mind.
Chippewa Falls has got to be one of the cuter towns in Wisconsin, the scenic river, the small buildings, the Leinenkugel Brewery, and of course Irvine Park. “I really hope I actually get to see animals this time babe, when I came here with Jess it was winter so they weren’t even here” I say as I slam the car door in the Irvine Park parking lot.
“Yeah they should be” his warm fingers entwine in mine. We walk around the park and laugh at the simplicity of this small town zoo. Where we’re from the zoos are huge. Both of us are from Minnesota, Anthony from Apple Valley and I grew up mostly outside Forest Lake.
It’s a crazy concept to me that I lived in South St. Paul, Minnesota for the first twelve years of my life, yet, I associate myself with Forest Lake. All my memories, all my friends, my life revolves around that small town. The town I lived in, Stacy, is but a four way stop, two bars and Tim’s Country Cupboard. Moving to Wisconsin was a life change, nobody here cared about Minnesota so I didn’t need to say much about my background, and no one asked why I came here. It was a fresh start that I desperately needed.
“We should do this more often Em” I could hear the sincerity in his voice, I just kept gazing out the window. The ride home was quiet, our laughter had faded out, and Anthony didn’t pry. I wish I could invest myself in him, that I could share his feelings.

I awake before him, like always, his rhythmic breaths echoing in the still of the night. I don’t open my eyes, not yet. There’s something about the feeling of my eyes fluttering open that snaps me back to reality, a reality I’m not ready to face just yet. I allow the events of last night to replay in my mind, the two thirty am phone call, the drinking, the sex.
“Em, I have a meeting at noon so you’re going to have to be gone by then” Travis yawns as he stretches awake and slips out of bed. We both know that meeting is his fiancee.
Wearing the clothes from yesterday I stumble out of his apartment onto Water Street. I think about yesterday, the perfect and simple date with Anthony in Chippewa Falls, the quiet ride home, the goodnight kiss. Why wasn’t that enough? How did I end up in Travis’s bed again?
I walk inside my apartment and sit at my breakfast bar. I scoff at the red light blinking on the voicemail of my landline, the only person who even has that number is my mother.
“Hi Emily, it’s mom. Your father and I just wanted to know what time you’re going to be home this Friday, haven’t heard from you all week, hope you’ll still make it honey. We love you, call me back” I click redial.
“Hey mom, I was thinking I’d leave here around two if that’s okay, sorry I haven’t gotten back to you I’ve been really busy with work”
“It’s okay honey, I’m just happy you’re still coming, are you bringing anyone?” She always asks that, it’s her subtle way of asking if I’m dating anyone.
“No mom”
“Well alright, see you around four” I hang up and check my clock. 12:45. I look into my bedroom at the empty suitcase on my bed and my clothes strewn across the floor. I told my mom I’d come home for the weekend months ago and she’s been counting down ever since, leaving me voicemails and facebook posts. I haven’t been home since Christmas and since it’s September all the birthdays in my family have passed and there’s really no holiday or reason for me to be home, there’s nothing to motivate me to leave but I know my mother would be heart broken.
My phone buzzes on the countertop, scaring me half to death. “Yeah?”
“Honey I forgot to tell you that your brother is going to be home this weekend, I know he wanted to surprise you so don’t tell him I told you or give it away.”
“Mom.”
“I know I can’t keep a secret to save my life”
“David would be pissed”
“I know”
“K see you tonight” click. I smile to myself, I haven’t seen my brother since I moved to Wisconsin three years ago in 2014, I even missed his graduation and him leaving for college this year. Since he plays football for the University of Oregon, it’s nearly impossible for him to come home or have any free time. My brother and I were so close, and now we just communicate through the occasional text or instagram like.
I glance at my phone. 1:27. Crap. I start packing. I haven’t been excited to go home since I was in college years ago, but now this foreign feeling is consuming me.
The drive home is beautiful, I’ve driven it a hundred times, but it each time I find something about it that I love more than last. The scenic mountain like divide in the freeway near Menomonie, even the Hudson Bridge that crosses the St. Croix river beautifully defines the border between Wisconsin and Minnesota. Before I attended the University of Wisconsin- Eau Claire my freshman year, I had never imagined life outside Minnesota. I had lived there my whole life and I used to think that if I ever did move, it would be somewhere far away from the life I knew, like California or North Carolina. I often think about how different my life would be if I had decided to abandon life there instead of returning to Eau Claire to lose myself.
It’s not even that my life was bad in Minnesota, I had a great family that I lived with, I transferred to a nice community college in my hometown and even loved my job at Shopko. There was just something missing, something that I’ve spent days and weeks trying to pinpoint, but never could. Maybe it was true love that was missing from my life, maybe the independence to make my own choices, maybe it was even happiness that was missing from my life, I’ll never know for sure. One day I decided that I couldn’t live like that anymore, pretending to belong somewhere I didn’t, pretending to be happy with things I wasn’t, so I left. It wasn’t a preconceived idea, or even a plan, I simply got in my car and left. Three years later, I don’t regret my decision to move, there are many things I regret in the months and years that followed that decision, but the choice to move back to Wisconsin was probably the only sound choice I’ve ever made.
“Mom?” I shout up the staircase when I finish taking my boots off in the foyer. “Mom, I’m home” I make my way up the stairs and into the living room. A neon green post-it catches my eye in the kitchen so I walk over to the fridge.
Em, dad and I are picking your brother up from the airport, his flight had gotten delayed, we’ll be home around seven, if you want to run up to County Market to get some shredded cheese, that would be awesome. We’re having tacos for dinner, I left $10 on the counter. Love you and see you soon.        Mom xoxo
I looked at the time on the stove 4:28. I had two and a half hours almost until my family would be home.  I felt the familiar rub of a cat across my legs, “Mocha!” I haven’t seen my cat in months, and as I scooped her into my arms she immediately started purring. To be honest it was strange being in my home without our two dogs; Drake and Jax. We’ve had them since I was in grade school and my mom texted me that they had to put first Jax, and then Drake to sleep last winter. They were old, I knew that, but it was still an empty feeling. My parents had decided against getting another dog since my brother and I were both moved out and there was really nobody here to give a puppy the attention it deserved, and they didn’t want to deal with an older dog, so our childhood home remained dog-less for the first time in 16 years. “Well Mocha sorry but I’m leaving” I set her down and headed out to my car.

pull into the County Market parking lot and smile as I think about the hundred, possibly thousands of times I had been there over the years. I think about Gabe, the cashier I had a crush on, followed by basically every male employee there. I think about the times when my mom worked at the in store bank and I would visit her just because I felt a sense of importance being there, laughing with her coworkers.
“Emily?” I hear Gabe’s familiar voice as I walk in.
“Hey, long time no see”
“Yeah really, how have you been? Your mom told me that you moved to Wisconsin permanently”
“Yeah, three years ago” I laugh at the idea that we haven’t spoken since months before I moved.
“Well it’s nice seeing you, really, how long are you back for?” I think back to when Gabe and I hooked up at his parents house the summer I came back from college in Eau Claire, and how awkward he was after.
“Just the weekend, but I have to get some stuff for my mom, so I’ll talk to you when I check out” I turn and walk away. The spark I once felt for him had long ago faded away, even before we hooked up.
It’s strange that I’ve been away for years, yet nothing had changed. The same workers stocked the shelves, the same layout has never changed, even the smell remains the same inside the store. I’m the only thing that’s different, I’m far from the same person that I was years ago when I shopped here.
As I head back to the dairy section, something stops me in my tracks. A laugh, a very familiar laugh. I would know it anywhere, and it’s followed by the voice that still warms me in my memories.
“Jake?” It comes out as a whisper, though it’s meant to be a question. I clear my throat, “Jake?” When our eyes meet, it’s like I’m in love all over again. But the expression on his face is grim, it’s not filled with love and warmth, but rather a darkness and hatred. As I expect him to spit venomous words at me, or turn and walk away, to my surprise he just stands there staring at me in disbelief. Four words break the crystal silence.
“Why are you here Em.” Five, if you count my name.
“I’m home for the weekend” I respond in a mousy whisper, I knew that wasn’t the answer he was looking for, because that wasn’t the real question he was asking. We both stand there, silent, as if we’ve never met, as if we hadn’t once been in love.
Jake and I had an impossible love, an improbable relationship. We had been friends since tenth grade, had gone through phases of liking each other but never told one another. We started talking again for the first time since my graduation party in the fall of 2014. We messaged each other on facebook, texted one another and even made the effort to call each other on the phone. We grew in a mutual love and understanding for each other, we became closer than we ever imagined, but close in our hearts was the best we could do. He was stationed in Alaska for the Air Force until spring of 2017. He was coming home for two weeks in December of 2014, but after that it would be months before he could come home again, and God knows I didn’t have the money to fly out there to see him. Our love was impossible, and our relationship, improbable. But we managed to make each other happy despite the distance.
“Jake I’m sorry about everything” I manage out, I can’t look at him in the eyes anymore because I remembered how much I hurt him. “I was going through a phase and I wouldn’t expect you to under-”
“No.” he cuts me off, “I do understand, I understand that you’re a selfish, messed up person and honestly maybe I’m better off that you moved away.” The words slap me in the face. I don’t even know how to respond, but I don’t have to, “You led me on for months and months” he continues, “and for what? To fly home from Alaska to find out that my girlfriend left the state? That she couldn’t even have the decency to tell me herself? That her mother has to try and explain that she turned off her cell phone, didn’t leave an address, just a number to a landline on a wrinkled piece of scrap paper? I’m done trying to understand you Emily. That ship sailed three years ago along with my feelings for you.”
“Jake, I-”
“No, just stop please. I’m done with your games and your manipulations. You knew I was coming home in December and you left anyways, and you waited three years to apologize. In a grocery store. Please.”
“Jake you don’t understand I had to leave, I was going crazy, and yes, I should have said something. Did something. But I didn't, and I can’t take it back, I thought about you all the time but I couldn’t be with you when I was so unhappy with my life. I tried Jake, I really tried and I might have loved you more than anything at the time but I couldn’t stay.” I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, I was never good at controlling my emotions.
“I cared about you more than anything and you couldn’t even tell me that I was coming home to nothing.” I knew I wasn’t getting anywhere in this argument, that he wasn’t going to forgive me.
“I know” I said, defeated. Losing Jake was what triggered my obsessive relationship with Travis, the emptiness I felt was somehow soothed by Travis’s touch, forgotten by his charm. I couldn’t let Jake slip from my fingers again. “Let me make it up to you, please” I weaseled out as he turned away from me.
“What” He replied, looking at me like I was crazy,
“Let me take you to dinner, please” he turned and faced me, his blue eyes looked sad, lost. “Jake, just say yes”
“Yes”
I smiled at him, I knew it wasn’t fitting for the situation but to my surprise he smiled back. “I’ll text you” he says before turning and walking away. I grab two bags of shredded cheese, check out and drive home.