How funny, I thought to myself. What a realistic nightmare. Time to wake up now! Ha ha mind, you’re really funny. Okay, good job, you’re even making it drag on for eternity to make me think there is actually no way for me to wake up. Alright, really now, let’s stop playing jokes. How am I supposed to wake up? I thought it was a general rule of thumb that once you reach the climax of the nightmare you wake up in one choke of breath, gasping for air in shock and relief?
“Kate, open your eyes, sweetie. Why do you keep trying to smack yourself?” And yet, the nightmare still continued.
“Alright,” I started, “so let me get this straight. I am, in fact, awake, and this is, in fact, living hell.”
“Honey, you’re not in hell—this is a sanctuary, practically heaven on Earth!” my dad exclaimed.
Irony was bursting through its seams and what ordinarily would’ve given me a nice chuckle left me with nothing but a stone-cold expression. The once loud and chaotic world was switched into mute and I tuned out everything but the sound of my own heartbeat. Focus on your breath, I thought. Keep your inhale smooth and your exhale concentrated. Let the world continue in its normal cycle of life, believing that you are, in fact, contributing to the cycle. Humor the world for just a little bit, and soon, you will be free to breath out loud.
And that is how I tried to live the first few days of camp. Robotically waving goodbye to my parents, marching to and from the cabin, and half-heartedly listening to my cabin mates/ “newfound besties”/ “sisters in Christ.” This, above all, was the most difficult part to successfully carry out within my plan of flying under the radar. It all started the second I walked through the crammed, ancient log cabin that was unfortunately my residence for the next 2 months.
“Welcome to your new home!” my camp counselor, Jenny, cheerfully shouted. I hated the word “home.” It had always been so misleading. The house I shared with my parents was merely a physical location where I happened to grow up, but in no way did I share a fondness so deep that I would be able to call it a home. No way in hell would I call this ancient shack in which I have only been inside for 2 seconds and could already smell the stench of every woodland creature known to man a home.
I cringed at Jenny’s overenthusiasm and almost had a spasm when I heard the sound of annoying voices continue.
“I’m Sammy and I’m so excited to get to know you!”
“I’m Ruby and guess what—we’re bunk mates!”
Hi Sammy. Hi Ruby, I silently chuckled as I realized more and more with each passing second that I was truly in an AA meeting. There were more voices and more sounds but all I saw was a room full of jabbering birds, chirping left and right, begging for their mother to give them attention. Maybe it was the fact that I was dressed in a skin-tight belly shirt and leather pants that sparked their interest. The rest of the group was moderately dressed in t-shirts and cargo pants, clearly ready for a nice hike up the Rocky Mountains. It dawned on me that I was the wild card. I was the new, mysterious, spunky girl who was completely out of place. And I think they were both fascinated and afraid.
As much as I loved attention, and trust me, I really did, I wasn’t quite feeling the whole freak show act for an entire summer. But I heard the little voice inside of my head (who am I kidding, it wasn’t little, and when am I not talking to myself?) that said to play it cool and worry about survival above all else.
“Well, looks like I’m the new girl here,” I reluctantly choked out. “I’m Kate and I’m an alcoholic,” I jokingly added. You know, lighten up the mood a little. Get the crowd warmed up.
*Silence was proceeded by wide, horror-struck eyes.*
Tough crowd, clearly. Time to kill the joke.
“Just kidding, everyone. I’m not an alcoholic just yet, that’s what college is for am I right ladies—“
“All right…Looks like it’s time for dinner, everyone.” Jenny swooped in with the save. “Let’s all grab a partner and tell them your favorite ice cream flavor. Strictly stick to this subject please!” For a solid 5 seconds, nobody moved. Everyone was frozen in place and I couldn’t help but feel honored that I could have that effect on them. Who am I kidding—I really did enjoy the attention. I basked in the glory of it.
From Jenny’s standpoint, my joke was inappropriate. That was made explicitly clear on my walk to dinner as she gently pulled me aside and reminded me of the camp’s policy on drugs and alcohol: “We are here to strengthen our relationship with God and His wish for us it to steer clear of the temptations of the world.”
“Jenny, that isn’t on the subject of ice cream flavors, now is it?” I playfully questioned. I probably shouldn’t get that much enjoyment out of seeing her squirm, but I couldn’t help it. Her usual pale and freckly skin hit new shades of red and I was more in awe of how someone’s face could get that flushed than I was of feeling bad for the comment. Oh well, I’m a b****. That pretty much justifies my entire existence.
“What was Jenny talking to you about?” Ruby demanded. I thought I was the back of the pack, so naturally, I was startled to find out that not only was I not alone, but I also had a stalker.
“Uh, some bullshit with a side of who the hell knows.” I’m really warm and friendly, clearly.
She quickly turned her head away from me, and I could’ve sworn I heard a chuckle. While swinging her head back around, she obviously recovered her goody-tooshoo mindset and squinted her eyes with composure.
“That wasn’t what it sounded like.”
“Well maybe you shouldn’t have been eavesdropping you little sh—“
“I’m just kidding, seriously. Don’t be mad! Please, I really can’t stand people being mad at me. I’m so sorry—sometimes I can be pretty nosy and I forget that creeping isn’t really socially acceptable and oh my gosh I’m totally rambling but seriously please don’t be mad at me!!” Woah. This Ruby girl deserves a metal. For being the first person to ever give me a headache within one minute of opening their mouth.
“Look. It’s pretty clear that you have some incessant need to please everyone in your life and you’re obviously not used to people disliking you. So I’m going to do you a favor and be the first person to not follow this trend.” I stopped for a brief second, took a deep breath and prepared for the recovery needed after seeing her doe eyes gloss over and her thin mouth quiver. “Honestly, Ruby. Don’t freak out. You should be thanking me. It’s better to learn the lesson now that not everyone is going to like you, rather than having to find out later in life while sitting in your tiny cubicle at work and overhearing the nasty coworkers complaining about your weird rambling, thus not knowing how to process the ground-breaking news that you aren’t well-liked, and having a panic attack and running to the bathroom with tears running down your face and your hair a mess and sobs uncontrollable, then having to take time off work to deal with ‘personal problems.’”
Ruby’s walking pace had been gradually slowing down, and once I finished my rant, she stopped dead in place. All she managed to say was, “Wow. That was so…detailed. And…hurtful…”
“Yeah, well what can I say. My words cut deep. It’s a gift.”
“I’ve never met someone so…honest. But I value honesty more than anything else. Jesus our Savior helps those who are honest with him, and I really try to do the same. So I’m not going to give up on you, Kate. I still think we have a lot of potential as friends, don’t you?!”
I didn’t even try to hold back my eye roll. I perfected it over the years and even personalized it with a slight head roll to give the full theatrical presentation. Usually that does the trick, but this Ruby girl was like a fruit fly who still comes back no matter how many times you whack them away. She thinks she’s never met anyone like me before? Well, I’ve never met someone like her. I didn’t even know how to respond to her Jesus-loving self, so I stuck with the eye roll and opened the doors to the dining hall, ready to sit far, far away from her.
Just to add on to the luck of my day, I found out that our cabin was required to sit together at every meal and have quality bonding time. We even had little chants that we sang and friendly competitions between other tables to see who could scream louder and more obnoxious. Safe to say it was a fantastic dinner and I couldn’t wait for the rest of the summer filled with endless nights of those meals!!
No, those were not my true thoughts, but yes, those were the exact words of Ruby. I just didn’t understand. The rest of the girls flocked to her as if she was the prophet herself. And let’s not forget about Jenny. She was practically in love with Ruby. I’m sure she saw a little of herself in Ruby, and expected her to grow up and be a camp counselor here one day. I don’t know though, those are pretty big shoes to fill. I mean, not everyone could pour so much time, energy, and love into young girls for an entire summer. So much respect for dear Jenny.
I swear, I wasn’t always this sarcastic. Okay, maybe I was. But not to this extent. Something about this place made my mind go berserk.

After fighting to stay sane through dinner, my energy was drained and I was ready for a long (hopefully eternal) night of sleep (hibernation). That’s how I thought camp worked, at least. From what I saw on the Parent Trap, there was a hell of a lot free time. And even though I wasn’t an expert on camp, I would believe Lindsey Lohan’s prepubescent-self any day.
“Come on girls,” Jenny started. “We’re going to meet everyone in the auditorium for big group, then break off into cabin time at the campfire.” Clearly Lindsey Lohan’s version of camp failed me.
“Alright so I’ll just slide on out of the group, head back to the cabin, and hopefully fall into a coma that keeps me unconscious until summer ends.” Sometimes I’m even surprised by the things I say. It really makes for an exciting life, and an even better form of entertainment. Keeps people on their toes.
Jenny’s patience with me was wearing thin. She took a deep breath, about ready to chew me out, until Ruby saved her from losing it completely.
“I’ve been going here every year since I was ten and big group is always my favorite part of camp, Kate. No way am I going to let you miss it!” She took my hand and pushed me towards the auditorium. I was so over getting forced beyond my will, and I didn’t have much of a fight left in me. I let Ruby and the other girls drag me to big group, but I wasn’t guaranteeing them sunshine and rainbows.
Hundreds of kids flooded into the hall, which despite its lincoln-log looking exterior, was surprisingly renovated and modern from the inside. There was a large stage with flashing lights and instruments set up in the front, and a semi-circle of steps that allowed for crowds of people to flood the area and see the stage fully. Great, I thought. Just what I needed. A full visual of what I can only assume to be Christian worship music.
Ruby and the others led me to the front row. Even better.
“We’re going to be like their groupies!” some girl with crooked teeth and untamed hair said. Oh yeah, she was the freak who introduced herself in the cabin earlier. Sammy I think.
“Sammy. It is Sammy, right? Well, that’s what I’m going to call you regardless. Precious little Sammy. If we’re the groupies, then you better get ready to go wild. I’m thinking we throw our bras at them and flash them—“
“Kate. Inappropriate. Don’t make me tell you again.” Jenny finally put on her big girl pants and was straight with me. Oddly, I respected that. I decided to shut my mouth and observe the strange coven/cult meeting.
Honestly, it was all very overwhelming. Starting with the “icebreakers” which involved running around like fools, moving on to the cheesy skits with people pretending to act like sinners who Jesus miraculously saved, which judging from the amount of tears shed, was supposedly a very moving skit. To top it all off, the band came on stage and started singing songs about “grace” and “mercy” and other foreign words to me. There I was, in the midst of an emotional moment, scanning the room of high school girls who were swaying and raising their arms up to the heavens in unison. And there I stayed, frozen in place and feeling more awkward than ever before. The only thought that came to me was: run.
In that moment, I knew that I couldn’t last a second longer among these freaks. I had to make a game plan to escape, and it had to be that night. My mind was working in overdrive and I was so focused on planning my escape that I had completely lost track of reality. Good thing I had Ruby to bring me back to the lovely realities of the moment…
“Kate. Kate! Kate? Wow you were really in the zone! I’m so happy to see that you were connecting with the Spirit! Can’t wait to hear about your encounter during our talk at the bonfire.”
Oh s***. I forgot that Ruby wouldn’t let me out of her sight for more than two seconds. There was no way I would be able to slip away while walking to the bonfire pit, even in the dark. Scratch my original plan. All I had to do was survive the bonfire and then sneak out once everyone fell asleep.
There were twelve of us total, not including Jenny. I only knew Ruby from her insistence on being my friend and Sammy from her innocent comments that made her an easy target to mock. The other ten girls were complete strangers to me, and I had a feeling that this was going to be a long night of being forced to turn these strangers into sisters. I took a deep breath and thought, this is it. Push through these next few hours. Find it in yourself to hold back your bitchiness. Dig deeper. Damn, I had to coach myself just to sit through girl talk for a few hours without strangling anyone. Pathetic but totally effective.
How was I not surprised. The campfire started with more songs. They started as typical camp sing-alongs and then spiraled into deep, soulful songs. One thing led to another and suddenly I was on my feet in a circle, arms wrapped around Jenny on my left and Ruby on my right, peacefully swaying to the beat of the rhythm. The singing ended and everyone opened their eyes with a glimmer in their eyes. They claimed it was from the ‘spirit of the Lord’, but I knew it was just a glare from the full moon. Besides, I didn’t even know what that spirit thing was. Whatever it was, they seemed to all have a mutual understanding of it, and it had a better reputation than me. I guess that’s not saying much…
For the next hour, I listened to Jenny pour her heart out. She talked about her upbringing and how she came to know Christ after seeing her best friend struggle with depression and make it through with the help of God, and blah blah blah. I wasn’t really listening because I was too focused on perfecting my plan of departure, but once I mentally walked through the plan a hundred times, I had a little time left to think over the whole topic of God.
Yes, I knew I didn’t believe in God. I didn’t really see myself as one of those lost teenagers who was confused with the world and had so many questions, only to one day have them all answered and burst into tears, realizing that I had finally found myself and understood the meaning of life. I just didn’t see how God could logically exist, and my charming personality seemed to attract people with similar beliefs. It probably didn’t help that both my parents grew up strictly Catholic and tried to push their beliefs on me since my first breath out of the womb. I saw their weird community from a display window and never bothered to open the door. Yet here I was, in the midst of the shop, locked from within. I started to see myself as the one on display, but separate from the others. Ruby and Sammy and the rest shared a passion for living their life “for a higher power.” They liked helping people. And doing good things. And smiling. More reasons to run before I was forced to fit this mold.
After the painfully long life story from Jenny, everyone sat in silence. I thought it was one of those awkward long pauses where nobody knew what to say, but then I realized everyone had their heads lowered in prayer. I looked away and held back a chuckle. I didn’t really deal well with serious moments.
One by one, everyone finished their prayers and Jenny led the group back to the cabin. It was a long day and everyone practically fell into bed. Ruby didn’t pester me about my “spiritual experience” at big group and I was eternally grateful for that. Once the lights were turned off, I rolled over in my bunk with an evil smile on my face. All I had to do was wait it out for another few hours before tiptoeing out the back door and spending the early hours in the woods, only to be found “half crazed” in the morning from a rare form of sleepwalking-induced anxiety that could only be fixed from the quiet confines of my normal routine at home. Perfect plan, I know.

I looked at my clock for the millionth time, and it finally said 3 am. Now or never, I told myself. I cautiously scaled the side of my bunk and gently put my feet on the ground. I was practically Kim Possible without the cargo pants, crushing the mission while staying completely fabulous. I reached for my jacket and tiptoed towards the back door, seeing the finish line right in front of me. At least, that’s what I thought.
Suddenly, a single flashlight was clicked on from a bed next to the door. Seen through the blinding fluorescent light was a set of piercing eyes locked dead on mine.
“And where do you think you’re going?” Jenny half whispered, half growled. How she managed to hear my practically mute motions towards the door was beyond me. My only plausible solution was that she was indeed much more psychotic than I had originally assumed. Either way, I was torn. More importantly, I was frantic. In one last desperate attempt to save my sanity, I darted out of the cabin faster than lightning. I heard Jenny leap out of bed and run after me, screaming like an animal.
“Arrghhh!! Come baaaaack!”
“Over my dead body!” I managed to reply. Even in my darkest hour, I was still quick on my feet with the witty responses.
As soon as I left the cabin, I was lost in a labyrinth of trees. More flashing lights were up ahead, and it looked as though Jenny had reinforcement. It was just yesterday that I was in the midst of an abduction scene, and today I was now in the midst of a criminal escape scene. I was so young yet somehow managed to experience so much.
The night ended with a dozen counselors surrounding me in the middle of the woods, flashlights blinding me and voices getting closer. “Come with us back to the cabin” translated into my mind as “surrender and we will drop our weapons,” which was much more convincing, and I let them drag me back to the cabin where a group of curious girls were awaiting the drama of their fellow Camp Daggot sister. I was numb to the stern screams of Jenny and the head of the camp, but what really sparked my interest was when they offered me a proposition.
“Quite frankly, Kate, we have never had such a difficult case. You blatantly disregard every rule we have, and manipulate those around you for pure entertainment. You being here is only hurting those who wish to have a summer away from that type of behavior, and I refuse to take away their experiences here at Camp Daggot. For that reason, we are offering you the chance to leave this camp a month early. That means you will only stay here for three more weeks, in which we will tell your parents that you had all the improvement you needed. However, we realize that this is more of a reward for your unacceptable behavior rather than a punishment. And for that reason, we must see you be an active member of this cabin for the next three weeks. That means participating in every activity with a smile on your face and no complaints out of your mouth. If Jenny sees that you genuinely put forth this effort within that time, you are free to leave. If not, we will tell your parents the truth and let them deal with you however they wish. Clear?”
I thought over her proposition. Spend the next three weeks faking my camp spirit, or dealing with my parents’ wrath for eternity?
“We have ourselves a deal.”
The next morning, I woke up with a determination to get the hell out—for real this time. But I knew it would take more than just going through the motions to get Jenny off my back, and she really had her radar on me now. So I decided to put my acting skills to the test and truly dive into character for the remaining three weeks.
The first item on our agenda was morning small group. The theme for the summer was acceptance and we dove into the topic of Jesus accepting anyone and everyone into his kingdom. Yes, I know I sound like I know my stuff, because I really did. It started off as me needing to learn more about Christianity in order to fake it convincingly, but then it turned into a full-blown competition with Ruby over who could be the top dog in small group talks. In the first few days of bible study, I couldn’t help but feel overshadowed by those who truly felt spiritual and religious. I didn’t quite know how to say what Jenny wanted to hear because my innate abilities were purely vulgar and offensive. I kept my mouth shut except for the occasional question, gradually gaining my street cred and my knowledge all at once. Over the next week, I stayed up late studying the Bible and analyzed the one person who I knew was a spitting image of Jenny’s ideal camper: the angel herself—Ruby.
I decided to play into the role of her butt buddy and really milked the friendship. I walked with her everywhere we went, sat next to her at every meal, laughed at her jokes, and listened to every story she told.
“So this past year I spent every Sunday at the Old Person Home and I miss them all so much. There was Martha who was this really sweet 80 year old woman and then there was Susy who had Alzheimer’s but seemed to remember me more days than anyone else. She was so sweet. Oh! And then there was—“
“No way! I worked at the OPC too.” I interrupted. “Old people are just drawn to me. I’m like the dog whisperer but for the elderly.”  
One look at Jenny made it clear that she saw through my act. Either Ruby was really optimistic or just really stupid, because she lit up from my response.
“I knew we had a lot in common! Don’t you feel like God’s presence is so strong among the elderly? One of them reached out to me once and looked me straight in the eyes, practically crying over the joy she felt for God and how I helped her experience it.”
Damn… she was good.
Naturally, I am a very competitive person and I couldn’t stand to be out shadowed by Ruby—even though she was completely serious with her intentions and I was full of s***. I still felt that sting of healthy (probably unhealthy in my case) rivalry, and it mostly stemmed from my never-ending need for attention.
I couldn’t help it. The moment I turned on my “bad girl gone good” act, the girls in my cabin were drawn to me. Yes, they were obsessed with my former rebel self, but now they truly felt as if they could connect with me on a deeper level. As for Ruby, she started showing more and more sides to her, and they were all so freaking perfect. I thought it would be easier for me to criticize her the more I got to know her, but it turned out that I found less and less to be critical of. It was time for me to go all out in order to compete with her and prove the success of my acting skills—no holding back.

At our second big group, the lead singer of the band announced an activity involving four volunteers. Of course, I turned to see Ruby waving her hand with more enthusiasm than a little kid on Christmas, so I matched her intensity and began jumping up and down, screaming, “Pick me! Pick me!” He loved our duo so much, that he chose us both. We were partners for the game, and I had to catch as many pancakes as possible that Ruby threw from behind. We were up against two spirited girls, and I fiercely whispered to Ruby, “No way are we losing. Let’s do this!”
“Oh heck no I’m not losing!” She fired back. For some reason, I was surprised. I never thought that this Jesus-loving freak could be so light-hearted and, well, fun.
The crowd went wild as Ruby and I dominated the competition. There were two seconds remaining and I felt myself out of character and truly in the moment. The buzzer went off and Ruby turned with a smile bigger than her heart. I ran to her and jumped into her arms, shouting, “For Narnia!”
That got a smile out of Jenny, and it surely got a smile out of me. That moment changed things for me—it was the first time that I really felt apart of something. For that brief moment, I thought of Ruby as a friend and this place as a good memory. I snapped out of that mindset as quickly as I was entranced into it, but it didn’t leave me quite the same.
For days following, I acted my part very well. Some would say too well. I began leading chants in the dining hall and even stayed up in the cabin at night, telling funny stories to all the girls and laughing with them over events from the day. One day, Jenny came up to me as we were walking to crafts, and I was about ready to defend myself for whatever she was going to accuse me of.
“So, looks like you’re finally starting to warm up to this place,” she said.
“What, no, I—I mean, yeah. I guess I am. Well, what I meant—I love it!” Oddly enough, I wasn’t even lying. I actually did secretly enjoy the stupid activities and fake yet seemingly real conversations with everyone. It was an odd mixture between actually enjoying myself and trying to convince myself that I wasn’t, all the while still putting on a false front of being overly enthusiastic, which in the end, wasn’t that far off anymore. My mind was such a battle ground and I didn’t even know I was capable of so many emotions that didn’t have a shade of anger blended in it.
Time continued to past, and before I knew it; two weeks had gone by. They kept us pretty busy with water activities and crafts and zip lining and such. It was fun I guess, but don’t get any ideas. I saw the clouds as the fuzzy comforter on my bed at home and I dreamed of the water as my bathtub. I couldn’t lose sight of my real purpose here: to play my part and do what I have to do to get out. I guess enjoying it a little wouldn’t hurt.
Even the daily small groups and bible studies didn’t bring me down. I dramatically improved my number of eye rolls per minute and completely stopped my vicious (yet still witty) comments. After reading so much of the Bible for strictly business, I actually started to follow the conversations and found it more curious than annoying. Never tell my mom I just said that.
In the second week, Ruby came up to me and asked if she could talk to me after our bonfire at the end of the week. I didn’t know what she wanted to discuss, especially because I felt as though we were in constant conversation. At first, it was both physically and mentally draining to try to top everything she said with something more impressive and completely untrue. She tried to tell me that I should join her on Christmas at the local food shelter, and I accidently blurted out that I ran my own nonprofit for giving out baskets. I think I went a little too far with that one. In the end, I knew I couldn’t last three weeks like that, so from time to time; I let my guard down. For practicality, of course. Nothing else. Well, somewhere along the way, our friendship sort of, kind of, well…got real. As much as I couldn’t stand the constant talk about God, I couldn’t deny the genuine intentions she had, and I definitely couldn’t deny the admiration I felt towards her. Wow… did I really admit that?
At dinner that night, I led the cabin to a table and the dutifully girls followed in suit. A girl in my cabin named Hannah marked her territory in the spot next to me and exclaimed,
“Kate, look at my friendship bracelet! I finally finished it thanks to you!” Over the course of the week, I had taught all them how to make friendship bracelets. Honestly, it wasn’t a big deal. Mainly just to get them to shut up. In the end, we spent every night working hard on the bracelets.
“Looks good, Hannah. Those colors are pretty cool together.” I slickly replied.
“I’m glad you like them! I made it for you, since you taught me so well. A friendship bracelet for a great friend!” She delicately handed me the bracelet and I let it fall into my noodle-like hands.
What was happening? Why did my heart feel warm and gooey? Why was my mouth bending up and pushing my cheeks practically up to my eyebrows? Was this what happy people felt like all the time? Weird. Play it cool, Kate. Hannah stood there, staring at my half smile- half frown, clearly unsure as to the internal battle that I was dealing with in regards to accepting a compliment. I settled with a quick “thanks” and escaped to the safe confines of the chocolate milk machine.
Weird things kept happening that week. People laughing and me actually laughing with them—not at them. People joking and me actually joking—not mocking. People having fun and me actually agreeing that their fun was, well, fun. It was such a shocking week, that I didn’t even realize it was my last night until Jenny woke us up that morning saying,
“Morning, girls! T-minus 1 day until Kate’s departure—chop chop!”
It was official—I had played my part well enough to go home. Oh, Jenny. What a gem. And to think it was only three short weeks ago that she chased me through the wilderness in the wee hours of the night.

I was cruising through the day in cloud nine, thinking that nothing could go against me. Mistake number one on my long list of other things gone wrong that day.
Leave it to me to screw things up. And on my last night, too. Right when things were getting nostalgic, I dug deep down within me and brought out my usual asshole self. It all went downhill at the campfire. All of the peculiar events of the day left me feeling trippy as hell. Do they really like me? Do I really like them? Do I really enjoy a Christian camp? I didn’t know. It was just all too much, and I couldn’t handle another emotion thrown at me.
Unfortunately, I didn’t see this one coming. Jenny started the bonfire by leaving it open for anybody to talk about how their journey with God was progressing through the summer. Of course, Ruby piped in within seconds. But she had a different look on her face—there wasn’t that usual confident glow in her eyes. Instead, I spotted a hint of sadness.
“So… things have been much different than I thought,” she started. “Don’t worry, guys. It’s a good kind of different. I just… It’s hard to put into words. Basically, my entire life has been built on the certainty of Jesus Christ and the love that he pours into each one of us. I really do believe that his Spirit is within us all, even when we don’t choose to see it. I think that I’ve always been a little tough on myself because I wanted everyone I met to know I was a believer within the first second they knew me. I tried too hard. I followed every rule and said every prayer. But I was forcing it on the world. I didn’t really know that it was possible to show God’s love without shoving it in someone’s face, until I… until I met Kate.”
My jaw dropped so far, I think I saw it burning in the fire. Everyone whipped their heads around to see my reaction, which was clearly quite a sight from their intent stares. Ruby searched my eyes for some type of warmth and assurance, but found none. Nonetheless, she continued onward.
“Kate, I know you don’t feel like you’re religious or a follower of Christ or even a good person. But honestly, you’re one of the best people I’ve ever known. You’ve got this fire within you and it makes you so alive. And when you’re happy, everyone feeds off your happiness. When you’re sincere, we can all feel it. And I know you started being nice to us only to get out of here, but I’ve seen the change inside of you. And it has made you such a delight to be around. Kate, you have God’s joy and heart, and you don’t even know it.”
I swear, there wasn’t a single sound in the world. I was stuck in that moment and I was stuck in my own mind, diving into the haunting past of people saying “you can’t dress like that” and “you can’t say that” and “you’re not good enough,” all of those negative associations with religion that left a scar in my heart. Why was Ruby saying that? I didn’t even believe in God—how could I, if that’s what it took to get his love? Or was it? Was Ruby right? I just didn’t know what to believe, and my panic set in once again.
“Kate, please say something. You’re leaving tomorrow and I guess what I’m trying to say is, please don’t go. Even if you don’t want to pursue religion, it’s not about that anymore. We all love you so much and just want you to stay and be our friends. I want you to stay and be my friend.”
I numbed my senses and did what I had always done: shut people out.
“Sorry, but, uh, I’ve really got to go home tomorrow. You know, lots of summer plans and stuff. I don’t know about all of that religious joy bullshit you see in me, but it’s probably just a fluke. Trust me, you’re all better off with me gone.”
I couldn’t bear to see the looks of horror on their faces, so I got up and walked back to the cabin. Not even Jenny stopped me. Once I got in the cabin, I packed my bags and sealed my eyes shut, popping in a few sleeping pills just to keep the monsters of thought away. Tomorrow, I was going home. It’s a good thing, I kept telling myself. Stop crying. Why the hell are you crying, it’s not like you even cared about these people or this place.

There I was, back in the car with my parents, both of which were nothing short of shocked to hear such pleasant things from Jenny. I had left camp an hour ago and my send-off was short and tense. Ruby didn’t even meet my eyes when she hugged me goodbye. I guess I didn’t blame her.

I was given a five-minute warning, and I braced myself for finally being back. Who knew three weeks could change me so much? I had more excitement than my entire childhood put together, and I was more confident in my decision to go home than ever. Because once I opened the door and smelled the fresh scent of the outdoors, I knew coming back to camp was the right choice. In the end, it didn’t matter whether I was religious or not—Camp Daggot had helped me grow and feel more happy and accepted than any other place in my entire life. These people were real. I was finally being real. No more bullshit.
I opened the cabin doors and shouted, “I’m back, bitches!” There was a loud gasp and a flurry of excitement, closely proceeded by Jenny’s muttering of the no-swearing rules. Except this time, there was a smile on her face that spread from ear to ear. I was so happy to hear her annoying rules, that I didn’t even see Ruby until she was one foot away. Frozen in place, I locked my eyes with hers. I was never one for nice words, so I just stood there, searching her eyes in the hopes that my silent apology would be heard. All of a sudden, her stale look switched into a glorious smile, and she jumped into my arms, shouting,
“I just knew you wouldn’t be able to stay away!”
“That’s right,” I reassured, “I’m home.”