We walk through the automatic doors and enter the lobby. The directory in front of us shows that there are thirty two floors in this hospital. My mom reads it and says we need to go to the seventeenth floor. We get in the elevator and an older man is on it as well. He looks around mid-sixties and has wrinkles covering his face. His hair is a dark shade of gray, but his eyes are a clear sky blue. He graciously smiles as we stand next to him. I notice he hasn’t pressed another floor, and I wonder if he too is going to the seventeenth floor. The elevator doors close and it starts moving up. It stops at the eighth floor and two nurses get in and say hello. They press floor twenty-one, and the old man still has yet to press another button. Finally, the elevator dings and the doors open up to the seventeenth floor. My Mom and I walk out and walk straight ahead to the receptionist at her desk. I follow my Mom, but look behind to see where the old man is going. He gets off! I am so curious to where he will go. He passes the elevators and goes past another receptionist desk. I can’t see where he went, but I wish I could have followed him.
Then I hear my name. My mom is calling me over to the desk.
“Jonah. Please come here.”
“Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.”
“Honey you are going to go speak to Dr. Yoshida. She’s a psychologist who specializes in teen depression.”
“But, uh mom I…”
“ I will wait right out here. Just pretend you’re catching up with an old friend, it’ll be fine.”
She looks towards the door eyeing me to proceed in that direction. I gulp. My mom is basically just feeding me to the sharks here. She’s not even coming in with me. This isn’t what I thought was going to happen.  I walk in this room and wait. It looks nothing like a doctor's office though. It’s actually very comfortable. The walls are a dark ash gray and the floor has beige plush carpeting. It feels like little clouds under my feet. I am extremely tempted to take my shoes off to feel it, but I stop myself. There are two couches facing each other. Both of them are a royal blue shade and can probably seat three people. The coffee table in between the couches is glass and has two books and a candle on it. I step closer to read the book titles. One says, “You are not alone” and the other says “Depressed? Not for long!”. I look at them confused by what they are supposed to mean. I am about to pick one up, when I hear a knock at the door.
I say, “Come in” in a steady tone.
In walks a tall woman. She is not wearing a white doctors coat like I was imagining. She has short black hair and olive colored skin. She is very tall, probably about five foot eight and is stick thin. She smiles in a very nice way, showing her perfect straight white teeth.
She puts forward her hand for me to shake and says, “Hi Jonah. I am Dr. Yoshida.”
I shake her hand and reply, “Hello, it’s nice to meet you.”
She smiles and tell me to take a seat on either one of the couches. I sit down on the one closest to the door, so I can walk out easily if I need to. She takes a seat opposite to me and I notice she is holding a clipboard in her lap.
“So how are you today?” She asks me, seeming genuine.
I make eye contact with her and say, “Aside from this” I motion to me and her, “I feel the same as I do everyday.”
“How is that? What do you feel like everyday?”
I stay quiet a moment. I want her to understand how I really feel. That’s why I’m here anyway. “I feel emotionless everyday. I feel like I am constantly repeating my days like I am a broken record. But the thing is, I want to be fixed. I am so tired from I don’t know,  just life I guess? Or at least the way I’m living it. I always feel like I am going to have a bad day.”
She writes something down and says, “What makes you feel like it won’t be a good day? Anything or anyone in particular?”
“No, I just know. I hate that I have school in the morning, it puts me in the worst mood.”
“And why is that?”
“I don’t know it… It scares me. I have no one to look forward to seeing. I have no friends that I actually hang out with at school. It just makes me feel on edge. I get so overwhelmed and feel like everyone is looking at me, but won’t talk to me and I don’t know why. I don’t understand them, and I don’t think I really want to. I wish I could just not go. That’s how I got here today I guess.”
“Why did that get you here today Jonah?”
“My mom turned around and drove out of my school with me still in the car today. I ask her every morning why I have to go, and she knows I hate going and that it puts me in a horrid mood. Today was different though, she didn’t make me go, and I don’t know why.”
Dr. Yoshida looked at me and said, “I think your mom really loves you. She wants you to get your emotions out and wants you to be able to talk to someone that can give you a type of outlet to release the negative feelings you have.”
I nod at her, but don’t understand what she is saying.
“So I’ll tell you what. I would love to have you stay here awhile. I want to get to know you better Jonah and find out how you’re feeling at different times during the day and the week. Does that sound okay with you?”
It starts happening. I feel clammy again and the palms of my hands begin to sweat. I know pretty soon the sweat will be dripping down my forehead. I clear my throat and ask “What do you mean? You want me to stay here alone?”
“Well no. We have many patients here on this floor. I thought you could stay in a room like they do. You can have your own room and it will only be for a week. We will talk daily and try to solve what’s happening to you. How does that sound?”
“Is that what my Mom wants; is she asking you to do this?”
“She wants what is best for you. And I think I need to learn more about you and for that to happen I think it would be best you stayed here for a little bit so we can work on this together, all of us.”
I looked down and fiddled with the button on my flannel. “Okay I guess that will be okay, but I need to know something?”
“Yes, what would you like to know?”
“When I leave here in a week, will I be okay? I really need to be okay. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”
She looked at me as if I just broke her heart. She leaned toward me a little and said, “You know what, this is just the start of getting yourself on a better track. You coming in today was a great first step in making this process go along faster. So I can’t guarantee that it will all be resolved in a week, but I think you will be able to conquer this.”
I nod and look down again. I want a straight answer and no one can ever seem to give me that.
She stands up and says, “But the great thing is that there is no school for you this week, if that helps at all.”
I look up and smile and say, “It helps a little.”
She grins and shows me out of the room.

We walk out to the reception area and find my mom sitting there alone waiting. She smiles when she sees me and stands up.
“Hi Mom.”
“Hey, that wasn’t so bad was it?” she asks touching my shoulder. 
I shrug, and Dr. Yoshida starts telling my mom about our plan.
“So Julie, Jonah and I chatted a bit and I discussed with him that I think it would be a good idea for him to spend the week here. I think he needs to be in this environment so I can see what the next step will be.”
My mom’s eyes widen, but she stays calm.
She says, “Okay absolutely. Honey is that what you want to do?”
I look at her and nod. “I think it’s what I need to do.”
She smiles and looks at me seeming proud that I decided to agree to this.
Dr. Yoshida hands my Mom some forms to sign, and her and I sit while she fills them out.
“Hey mom?”
“Yeah hon?”
“Thank you for bringing me here, you always know what to do. I love you.”
She stops writing for a second and looks at me.
“Jonah I love you so much. I know we are going to fix this. You can do this babe, I just know it.”
That’s the thing I love about my Mom. She always has so much hope in me, like she thinks I am some superhero or something. I know she loves me so much because she shows me. If she thinks this is the right thing, then it must be.

After saying bye to my Mom, Dr. Yoshida leads me down a hallway. There are rooms on either side and we start touring them. The first room she shows me has light blue walls and many tables set up throughout the room. There are paint brushes and easels on the far side of the room. I figure it must be a playroom for kids.
“Is this where the little kids do art?”
Dr. Yoshida laughs and says, “No this is where the teen patients do art therapy. I think you will actually enjoy it very much. It helps relax your mind and allows you to be creative.”
“Oh, do I have to take part in this activity?”
She nods. “I will make a schedule for you that I will have you follow for the next week. We are going to see what you enjoy and what you may not enjoy. It’s going to be a trial and error experience this next week.”
We leave the art therapy room and go across the hall into what looks like a library. There are shelves of all sorts of books, big and small.
“This is the poetry room. Here you and some of the other patients will share personal poems you can write or you have the option to read aloud a poem from one of the books.”
I sigh. Already this is not what I thought, and I don’t think this is what I need. I need help. Mental help, not art and crafts and poetry slams. What is this?
“So how often will this poetry sharing occur?” I ask out of curiosity.
Dr. Yoshida turns to me and responds, “About every other day this will happen. Don’t worry you don’t have to worry about sharing anything personal. Everyone is very kind here, and will help you break out of your shell.”
I smile and nod as she looks at me and then leads me back out into the hall. I am not impressed with this so far. Next we head into the dining hall. When we walk in I instantly smell coffee and eggs. The smell reminds me of earlier at Betty’s. It was a comforting smell.
“This is where you will be having breakfast, lunch, and dinner everyday. All of the patients eat at the same time, so hopefully that will give you a chance to meet them and start to get to know some of them.”
“Okay that sounds nice” I tell her.
She smiles and then we head to the end of the hallway and turn the corner. There are two sides and each one is labeled a different color.
“So this is where the living quarters will be for the next week. To the left, is the West Hall and that is the adult psychiatric ward. To the right, is the East Hall and that is where you will be rooming with the rest of the other teens.”
She leads me to the right and we stop at the fourth room. She opens the door to an empty room. I enter and feel uncomfortable by the presence the room gives off. The walls are stark white and the ceiling light is pretty dim. The bed is small, I think it’s a twin size, and has plasticy looking sheets on it and a thin blanket on top. There is a painting of a sunset hanging on the wall opposite of the bed, and a desk below it. On the desk there is a pad of paper and two pens, both with Buxom Hospital printed on it. I look around trying to take it all in, and then look to Dr. Yoshida.
“I’ll let you settle in and get comfortable and then you can come have lunch in the dining hall with the others.”
“That sounds great, thank you for showing me everything.”
“My pleasure Jonah, we are glad to have you here. I think this will be a successful week for you.”
She smiled and then walked out of the room, shutting the door behind her.
I muttered to myself, “I hope so.”
I sit down on the bed and look around. It was a pretty small room with not much in it. I have no idea how this works. Can I just walk around when I want? What do I do, I don’t understand how this works. Suddenly I hear someone yell in the hallway saying, “Lunch time, let’s go people!”
I stand up and take a deep breath. I can do this. It’s not going to be like school, these kids are like me. They are feeling the feelings I feel, right? I mean yes they must be, why else would they be here. This will be fine I can do this.
I walk into the dining hall and see a line of people waiting to get their food. I get in line behind a girl. She has long red hair and pale skin. She is wearing dark blue jeans and a shirt that has the band Nirvana on the front. I wonder if she actually likes the band or just thought the shirt was cool. That bugs me, when people wear band t-shirts, but don’t really listen to the band. I stand there and the line starts moving. I grab a blue tray and wait a little longer. The red haired Nirvana shirt wearing girl turns to look at me.
“Are you new to this floor?” She asks, obviously wondering who I am.
“Yeah I got here literally a few hours ago. I’m Jonah.”
“I’m Ingrid. It’s nice to meet you” she says smiling.
She turns back around and starts getting her meal. I notice she doesn’t pick any meat, maybe she’s a vegetarian. I’m starving, I haven’t eaten since Betty’s this morning. I place a turkey sandwich on my plate, a bag of Doritos, a fruit cup, and an orange crush soda. I look around realizing I don’t know where to sit. I don’t know if I can just sit anywhere or if there are certain assigned places. Unsure, I decide to just go sit at the table in the back of the room. There is no one sitting there, so I assume it’s fine. I make my way down there passing other tables on my way. I can feel the stares I am getting from the other kids. I feel out of place, like a little fish in a pond with only big fish, if you know what I mean. I feel sweaty and my eyes start to blur a little. This is another one of my symptoms. Whenever I feel anxious my eyes water sometimes and they get all blurry. I’m pretty self conscious of it because it looks like I’m crying, even though I’m not. But anyway, I sit down at the table with my food and look around. Some people catch my eye. There’s a boy sitting a few tables down from me wearing a neon green shirt. It’s so bright that it’s actually obnoxious. He has blonde hair and tan skin. He is sitting with some other people, but no one seems to be talking to him. He is eating a sandwich and drinking a bottle of water. I wonder why he is here? Then I see the red head girl again. She is sitting with two other girls and a boy. One of the girls is dark haired and has her hair in a ponytail. Her mouth is moving so fast, she must talk an awful lot. Across from them is a dark skinned girl with long curly hair and next to her is a boy with dark brown hair and piercing blue eyes that I can see from over at my table. They are all talking, and then Ingrid looks over in my direction. The others follow her gaze and look my way. I put my head down and look like I am so intrigued by my meal. I don’t want them to know I was looking at them, and I want them to stop looking at me. I hate that feeling of being watched, it makes me feel so anxious.  When I look up again I see that they are talking to Dr. Yoshida. She is smiling and seems to be having a good conversation with them. I finish eating and I kind of want to go back to my room, but at the same time I know there’s nothing to do in there, so I just sit and wait to see what the others do. I see the green shirt boy get up and throw away his trash, so I do the same and figure I can introduce myself.
I walk over to the left side of the room where he is and empty my tray into the garbage next to him.
“Hey” I say looking at the guy.
He just nods and doesn’t say anything.
“I’m Jonah. I’m new, I just got here today.”
“I’m Logan.”
And with that he walks away. I didn’t even have a chance to talk to him or ask him anything. He bolted away so fast. Well I guess he isn’t looking for any friends. I finished emptying my tray and head out of the room. I bypass the front desk and head to my room. I walk in and shut the door behind me. I sit down once again on the uncomfortable bed and then decide I need a nap. This day has been rough so far. I can’t believe I’m here. This is crazy, but I hope I can get fixed. I need this, I tell myself again. I really need this. I rest my head on the pillow and close my eyes.

Day 2:
I turn over and open my eyes due to the loud knocking I hear on my door.
I yell, “Come in” completely unaware of what time it is.
“Good morning Jonah.” says Dr. Yoshida. She stands in the doorway not entering the room. “I just wanted to wake you up so you can start your second day here. I think you fell asleep early last night, and that’s fine. I know it was a shocking day for your mind and body. Today I want you to live it to its fullest though, and get a much as you can out of your time here. Come join us for breakfast after you get ready.”
She smiled and then walked away to go wake up her next patient. I felt groggy and my back was killing me. It’s this bed, it is horrible. I can’t believe I slept through the rest of yesterday. I just wanted to take a nap. Well I guess that’s okay, maybe I missed that poetry thing. I touched my feet to the floor and slowly got myself up. This is usually the hardest part of my morning, but today it isn’t so bad. I think it’s because I know I don’t have school. I don’t have to anticipate that moment on the car ride to school where my nerves kick in and I start getting anxious. It feels good to not worry about that. I slip on a new t-shirt and wear the same sweats I wore yesterday. I lace up my Vans and walk into the hallway. The first person I notice is the older man from the elevator yesterday. He is standing at the desk in the center of the West and East hallways. He must be on the West side. I am so intrigued by him and I have no idea as to why. I walk past him and he smiles and says, “Morning boy.”
I slightly grin at him and say, “Good morning Sir.”
I walk past the art room and head into the dining hall. I smell pancakes and some sort of fruity thing and suddenly my stomach grumbles. I go right up to the front where the food is because there is no line. Everyone is already sitting and eating. I wonder if I will find a seat. The thought kind of worries me. I grab a tray and place three pancakes on it, along with some hash browns, and a glass of milk. I see some type of smoothie thing and grab that too. It smells delicious, like some sort of drink you might have on a tropical vacation. I guess I can pretend I’m on a vacation instead of this island of misfit teens, where I currently am. I grab my tray and then scan the room to figure out where I am going to go. I spot Logan sitting at the table I was at yesterday. He is sitting at the end of the table alone again, so I decide to go try to talk to him again. I make my way over there and take a seat across from him.
“Hey Logan. Is it cool if I sit here?”
He shrugs and continues eating his food.
“How’s your morning going so far? I ask, trying to get him to conversate with me.
He looks at me and says, “Fine. How’s yours?”
I’m surprised and say, “Pretty well. I wonder what we’re doing today.”
He doesn’t make eye contact with me but says, “Probably some stupid poetry thing. You’ll have to do it, they love making the new kids go first.”
He gets up and leaves without saying bye or anything. I say “great” under my breath and await the next activity. All of a sudden I hear Dr. Yoshida’s voice.
She says in a loud formal tone, “Hello and Good morning all. Today we have a fun schedule planned. After breakfast we will start the day with our poetry slam, which I know you all love.”
The other patients smiled and seemed happy about the activity, and I just sat there dreading it.
“I will then meet with you all individually and talk about your progress. So finish up breakfast and then we will begin!”
I notice how calm Dr. Yoshida is all the time. I wonder if it’s because she is a doctor for people who are the complete opposite of calm; it must be one of her requirements. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Ingrid sitting at the same table she was at yesterday, but today she was alone. I wondered if it would be weird if I went over. I wanted to, but I was so scared too. It’s exactly how I feel at school. I want to make the leap and go start a conversation, but I sometimes feel scared of getting rejected by the person or worried that they will wish I didn’t go over and talk to them. I change my mind and walk out of the dining hall. I head over to the poetry room, that I feel like should just be a library instead, and take a seat in the back row. I did not want to be called on to share a poem, there is no way I will do that.
More people started filling in the room and taking seats. I received so many stares, but no one tried to talk to me. Logan came in, but didn’t see me. He sat in one of the middle rows. I really want to know why he is here. I wonder what is wrong with him? I guess that is one of those questions you just don’t ask people though. Then Dr. Yoshida walks in and goes to stand on the stage at the front of the room. She scans the room and when her eyes find me she smiles. I smile back and am curious as to what this activity will do to help me.
“Hi again everyone! So let’s begin with this activity. I am going to hand out some paper and pens to everyone and I want you all to write a poem about the following; what you feel is special about you, why you are here at this hospital, how you feel about your journey so far, or where you think you will be in a week from now from a mental perspective. After you write it you can either share your personal poem or choose to read aloud a poem that you like.”
Dr. Yoshida starts passing out the paper and pens and when she gives them to me she stops.
She says, “Don’t be nervous Jonah; this will be a good way to release some of your emotions. Just try it.”
She moves on to the next person, and I wonder how she knew I was nervous about this. It must show on my face or through my sweat. My whole body feels so warm and I can feel the little sweat beads on my forehead. I look at the paper and feel nothing. I don’t even know what emotion to write about. All of mine are pretty negative, but I assume so are the other patients’. I stare at the paper and decide to write about why I am here at this hospital. I begin scribbling down words on the paper.
In the end I end up with a few line that say, “My name is Jonah. I am sixteen and so lost. Everyday is a struggle for me and not because I am a teenager, but because my mind won’t let me be free. It won’t let me be free from my thoughts. The thoughts that haunt me from the second my alarm wakes me to the time at night when I close my eyes. I am constantly in a battle with my emotions. They restrict me and don’t let me live. I want to live and be free. I want to just be me.”
I was really surprised at what I came up with. I would never be able to share this with others, especially strangers. Dr. Yoshida was walking around and passing another thing out. She handed me a white envelope and said, “Put your poem in here when you are done please. We are going to change up the activity a bit.” She winked at me reassuringly and walked towards the front of the room.
“Everyone we will be doing something slightly different with the poetry slam today. You will all still be reading a poem, but not your own. I would like all of you to seal up your poems in these envelopes. I will collect them and switch them up so you all get someone else’s. Whichever poem you get is the poem you will read, but no one will know who wrote what, so it is completely anonymous. You are all probably wondering what this exercise does to benefit you. Well this is wonderful because it helps you trust and to trust you have to relax your mind, and when relaxing your mind you are getting rid of stress and anxiousness that builds up. Let’s see how we all do.”
I did not like this at all. I don’t want someone to read my writing, let alone read it out loud. This is crazy. I feel like this is stressing me out more than helping me, but I need to do this. I have to remember I promised myself I could do this. Okay here we go. I got handed someone’s poem and didn’t open it yet. I decided I would just look at it when it was my turn to go up. Dr. Yoshida started picking people to go up. No one seemed nervous, which made me nervous. I was such a bad public speaker in general. I always mess up words or say the same thing twice, it’s just embarrassing. I never raise my hand to read in school because of how bad I am at reading out loud. Finally, it was my turn to go up. I stood up and walked down the rows to get to the front of the room. I stepped up onto the stage.
“Hi uh I’m Jonah. And um I am going to read this poem...right now. So here we go. I am running. I am running so fast I can’t even feel my feet. I know what I am running to. I want to reach it so badly, but something stops me everytime. I am trying. Trying so hard that it hurts me. I need to stop the pain. It’s piercing my body and all of my nerves. I am trying to escape it and reach the light. The light leads me to the freedom I desperately need.”
I look up after reading it, and everyone is clapping. Wow, that was a really well written poem. I wish I knew who it was. Whoever it may be, it seems like they understand that feeling of being stopped from reaching what you want. It’s like something is always blocking your way. I understand because something inside me always stops me from being able to reach out to others and be comfortable with myself.
“Thanks” I say and walk off the stage. Dr. Yoshida nods at me and smiles. There is a moment of satisfaction that we both shared for that second. I can feel that she is proud that I got up there in front of people I don’t know and delivered the poem. And part of me is proud of myself too.
There was still some people left. A guy named Charles went and read a poem about clouds which made me really want to go back to Dr. Yoshida’s office and walk on that carpet that felt like clouds. Then a girl with really platinum blonde hair went up. Her name is Grace, and she recited someone’s poem about their journey and how it is taking a positive turn. It was very nice to hear something positive. Next up was Ingrid, and I was excited to hear her talk. She has this essence about her that just drew me to her. I don’t understand why someone like her is in a place like this. Maybe one day she’ll tell me. She walked up on the stage and started talking.
“Hello everyone, as you know I am Ingrid. Today I will be sharing this person’s poem, here we go. My name is blank. I am sixteen and so lost. Everyday is a struggle for me and not because I am a teenager, but because my mind won’t let me be free.”
My jaw dropped, I can’t believe she got my poem. I can feel my  face heating up. I’m sure I am as red as a tomato right now. I feel so light headed due to my nervousness. I had my name in the first line, so she knows it's mine. That was really cool of her to not say my name and say “blank” instead. This is so embarrassing, I can not talk to her face to face now.
“Thank you” she finished. Ingrid walked off the stage and sat back in her seat. After the next person started reading their poem, I saw her glance at me. She didn’t stare she just looked really quick. I didn’t look at her though, because I am afraid of what she thinks of me. This is starting to feel a lot like school. I hate the feeling of having someone look at me. It’s like they are observing me, but won’t ask any questions. It makes me feel so awkward and uncomfortable just knowing someone is glancing at me or wondering why I am doing something. Anyway, I sat there knowing she was now curious about me. I watched the rest of the patients finish reading others’ poems and watched the clock. Finally, Dr. Yoshida took the stage again. She looked very pleased with how this poetry thing went.
She says, “I would just like to applaud all of you today for being so outgoing with reading these poems. It was very rewarding to see you all speak with such integrity while reciting each other’s poems. I think we will be doing this again very soon!”.
She made eye contact with me and smiled. I smiled back sincerely. This actually was okay except for the part where Ingrid read my poem.

Day 3:
I woke up this morning to a knock on my door again. I guess it’s Dr. Yoshida with the daily wake up call.
I yell, “You can come in.”
Instead the knocking stops and a note is slid under my door. That’s kinda weird. I wonder what it is. I stretch my arms above my head and let out a big yawn. I stand up and walk over to the door and look down at the note. It’s a light blue hospital directory flyer. I turned it around and saw a note scribbled on the back. I start reading it, “Hi, I really liked your poem yesterday. It’s funny how I got yours and you got mine. If you see me today come say hi.” It was from Ingrid. I smile. I think I kind of like her. She’s not like most girls that I know at my school. They are all so interested in themselves, but Ingrid seems interested to learn about others, and I really like that. I get dressed and slip her note in my pocket. I head out in the hallway and see that older man from the other morning again. We make eye contact and he smiles. I don’t think I smiled back. I hope he doesn’t think I’m a jerk. I’m about to go into the dining hall, but then see a line of people near the front receptionist desk. I wander over and see Logan towards the middle of the line.
“Hey Logan, what’s going on?” I initiate towards the line curious about where everyone is going.
“Once a week we get to go out for breakfast at the bagel place across the street.”
“That’s cool. Can I walk with you?”
I am really hoping he says yes because I am trying so hard here to make a friend. I would never do this at school. I don’t know why suddenly I have all this confidence to ask all these questions, but I do.
“Sure, I guess if you want to.”
I smile. This is going well I think. I wait in line with Logan and we finally see Dr. Yoshida coming. She comes over to the group and starts telling us the plan for this morning.
“Hi everyone good morning! Today we will be going to Alex’s Bagelry for breakfast. I hope you are all hungry. After we will come back and I want to speak with each of you and then we will decide on today’s activity.”
Before Dr. Yoshida led us out, that older man that I see everywhere went over to her. He whispered something in her ear and she started talking again.
“Oh everyone can I have your attention for another moment please. This is Bill Donohue. Some of you know him and some of you may not. He is our lovely security man for floor seventeen, and he will be joining us on our morning bagel run.”
“Hey everyone, good to see you all” Bill said in a cordial tone.
He is not what I thought. I was really beginning to think he was a patient here, but I guess not. I’m still curious about him though.
We start walking on the sidewalk towards Alex’s. It’s only about a ten minute walk. It feels good to be out in the fresh air. I love when it’s really cloudy and cold first thing in the morning. It makes me feel rejuvenated with energy. I’m walking next to Logan and he hasn’t said one word. Maybe he isn’t a morning person either like me. I only like mornings when I know there is no school. School feels like this big burden just taunting me. I hate it. I think about asking Logan another question, but he beats me to it.
“What grade are you in?” he asks quietly.
Surprised I respond, “Eleventh, what about you?”
“”I’m in tenth grade, but I got held back. So I guess you could say I’m in eleventh technically.”
“That’s cool. Do you go to Buxom Hills High? That’s where I go.”
“No I live in the town over. I go to Monterey High School.”
I nod and smile. This is a great sign for today. I think I am going to have a good day. I already have Logan talking and who knows, maybe I will see Ingrid too.
We arrive at the bagelry and get in line to order. I watch Logan order and he gets a plain bagel with butter. Then it’s my turn to order and I get an everything bagel toasted with plain cream cheese. That’s my favorite. I like it because it has so many flavors combined into one thing. Its the little things that make me happy I guess. I see Ingrid sitting at a table near the window by herself. I lead Logan in that direction.   “Where do you want to sit?” he asks me.
“Let’s go sit over here.”
I start moving towards Ingrid and sit in the chair across from her. Logan follows and sits in the chair next to me.
“Hello” she says as she looks up at us. She is smiling and her red hair is so bright. It makes her look so full of life. If only she knew how interesting I thought she was.
“Hi” I say like an idiot. I have all these things planned out in my head of what I want to say to her but I can’t. I don’t even know how to start talking right now. So I introduce Logan. “This is uh Logan. He’s my friend.”
Logan looks at me like I have three heads. I think because I called him a friend. Well I think we are on the path to being friends, so whatever.
She laughs lightly and asks, “How is your morning so far guys?”
“It’s been great, I’m glad we got to leave the hospital for a bit.”
Logan just nods in agreement with me and continues eating his bagel.
“Yeah it’s nice when we have these little field trips. I like to get out in the fresh air.”
I meet her eyes and say, “I know exactly what you mean. The fresh air feels so good compared to that hospital air.”
“Yeah I agree. And you’ve only been there a few days and feel that way.”
I nod and take a bite of my bagel. I want to know how long she’s been there. Can I ask that or will it offend her? I’m just going to do it.
“How long have you been at the hospital?” I ask, but make sure to not make eye contact in case it’s a sensitive subject.
She responds immediately with no resistance in her voice, “Almost three months now. It seems much longer though.”
“Yeah it must” I say, but stop myself from saying anything more. I don’t want to pry into her personal life, especially here with everyone else around. Maybe she’ll tell me herself if she wants to.
Suddenly Dr. Yoshida makes a clapping noise to get all of our attention. I look at her and wonder if it’s already time to leave. I really want to stay and talk to Ingrid some more.
“Okay everyone finish up, it’s time to head back.”
She starts taking a head count of everyone, making sure we are all here. I see Bill sipping his coffee next to her. I wonder why he had to come. It doesn’t look like he’s doing much.
“I’m glad you guys decided to sit with me” Ingrid says looking at me.
“Yeah I am too” I say and smile at her.
She gets up and throws away her trash. She smiles at us as she heads into the line to leave. I sit there a moment and feel excited about the fact that I had such a long conversation with Ingrid. Logan looks at me as he finished his bagel.
“You like her don’t you?”
“I think I might” I say not even wondering how he knows.
We both throw away our trash and head out with Bill standing behind us on the walk back to the hospital.

When we get back to the seventeenth floor everyone goes to their rooms, myself included. I walk into my room and wait for Dr. Yoshida to come and talk with me. I decide to clean up my room a bit while I wait for her. I have my clothes in a pile on the floor. I hang up the three shirts that I have here and put my dirty socks and boxers in a bag. I put the bag in one of the drawers of the dresser and then see Dr. Yoshida in the doorway.
“Hello Jonah! May I come in?”
“Yes come in. Hello”
She smiles and takes a seat in the chair near the desk in my room. I sit on my bed across from her.
“So how are you today? Did you enjoy yourself this morning?”
I nod, “Yeah, I liked that we got to go out. It was a nice change.”
“I agree, it’s very important here that all the patients get to switch up their daily routine sometimes so they have something to look forward to. How are you doing so far? Have you had any symptoms that we talked about previously?”
“I’ve been feeling pretty good. Waking up in the morning hasn’t been so hard, and I think it’s because I know there is not school to look forward to. I have been trying to make friends. I’ve been talking to this boy Logan. Um symptom wise, yesterday’s poem activity had me a little stressed out. I got anxious immediately when we had to switch poems and then read them. I got pretty sweaty and lightheaded from that. But, I haven’t been feeling as sad as I was a few days ago.”
Dr. Yoshida nodded and said, “I know yesterday was a big challenge for you, but I would like you to know I was very impressed with how you handled the situation. You didn’t back out and participated in a fantastic form. I was very pleased. I am glad to hear you are not having as many negative emotions as before. I think you will be out of here very shortly Jonah. I would like to see you tomorrow and then I will be releasing you the day after that on Friday. How does that sound?”
I got a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know I should be excited about that. I get to go home and be in my own bed with its comfy sheets, and see my mom who will make me breakfast, but I don’t know. I feel worried to go back. I am doing so well right now. This is the best I’ve felt in months, and if I just go back everything will fall back into the same routine again. I can’t do that.
“Okay that sounds fine. Thank you” I say quietly.
“Okay hang in there. You are doing great!”
As she leaves the room she closes the door behind her. I feel dizzy. My head is throbbing and I feel like I am on the teacup ride in DisneyLand when the teacups spin and spin a million times. I lay down hitting my head hard on the pillow. The dizziness lightens, but then my stomach rumbles. I’m not hungry, but I think I’m going to be sick. I rush to the bathroom and go over to the sink. After I throw up I splash some cold water on my face and sit on the bathroom floor. What just happened? I can’t believe I just got sick. I know it’s because of my nerves. I can not go back to school, I just can’t. I don’t want to leave the hospital even though I’m doing better. I don’t know what to do. I sit on the floor hopeless and sick to my stomach.

Day 4:
This morning was harder than most. I did not want to get up. I know that the next day I would be going home. It is so hard to go from this place, where I am encouraged to do certain things, to go to school where I feel so self conscious about my every move. I can not start today. There is no knock on my door this morning, so I lay in bed a little longer. I wonder if I am missing anything right now. I wait a moment longer in bed and then open my eyes. I look around the dark room, but see the light from the hallway peeking through under my door. I stay in my white pajama shirt,  put on some sweat pants, and open my door. No one is in the hallway, so I walk towards the dining hall. There are two girls drinking juice at a table, but no one else is there. I decide I am not hungry after yesterday’s episode and go to the receptionist desk.
“Hi, I was just wondering where everyone is?” I ask the brunette receptionist. She is wearing thick black framed glasses and has a headset on her head. She smiles.
“Hey there. I believe everyone is in the art room for crafts.”
She points down the hall to which room it is. I thank her and start walking in that direction.
I enter the art room to find a group of people in there. There is jazz music playing in the background and I immediately spot Ingrid. She doesn’t notice me walk in, but I continue to look at her. She is so interesting I just want to talk to her some more. She is painting something on an easel. She has a wide paint brush in her hand and is stroking the paper with numerous colors. I must have been zoning off because suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn around to be greeted by Bill.
“Hey there man! How are you? You up for some art today?”
I look at him startled for a moment. I wonder where Dr. Yoshida is and why she didn’t wake me this morning.
“Hi. Um sure I am not really good at art, but uh I guess.”
Bill leads me to a table to the left of the room. He sit down and motions me to join him. He shows me a few pictures and asks what I think of them. I look at them. There is a picture of a boy looking out a window, a landscape of a farm, and a drawing of the stars in the sky at night. They are all very nicely drawn.
“Those are very nice. I like the one of the stars the best, it looks so real.”
“Why thank you, that’s what I was hoping.”
“Oh these are yours? I didn’t realize.”
I was curious as to why Bill was drawing, it’s kind of strange since he’s not a patient and all.
“Yeah I dabble in the art department a little I suppose. It’s nice to draw. You should go for it. Have fun.”
He gets up from the table and goes  to check in with the others. I sit there and grab a piece of paper. I start drawing and shading in certain shapes. This is actually pretty relaxing. No one is talking to me or watching me, there are no expectations. It’s nice having that feeling of no one expecting anything from you. I finish up and feel like someone is standing over me. I look up to find Ingrid deep in thought.
“Explain it to me.”
She takes a seat next to me and looks at me intrigued. She looks at me with almost as much curiosity as I have about her. I don’t know how to explain this, but I try.
“Well this is me” I point to a stick figure, “and I am inside a box that is in my mind. I guess I am trying to show that this box that has me inside, is what’s trapping me. There is something that is blocking that part in my brain from expressing certain emotions. And yeah that’s what I drew I guess. It’s kinda…”
She cuts me off, “It’s really great Jonah. I wish I could draw my emotions like that. All I draw are flowers.”
“How come flowers?”
“It’s all I really know how to draw.”
And with that she smiles and gets up. She walks away and I just sit there amazed by her. There is something about her that makes me forget about the problems going on in my head. I look at my picture and feel really worried again. I don’t want to leave and go back tomorrow. I don’t think anyone understands how horrible this will be.
Right then and there I decide what I am going to do. I rush past Bill by the door as I leave the art room. I then quickly pass the receptionist desk and get into the elevator. I feel like I am about to explode. I feel my heart beating and my body pounding with it. How could I let my thoughts go so far that they are overpowering me?I can’t think straight and I’m scared. Just as the doors are about to close a hand sticks in between them. I hold my breath and wish that those doors would have just closed. They slide open and in comes Bill.
“Hey there Jonah. Where you headed?” he asks me as if he knows I’m up to something.
“Oh you know just talking a little ride for fun, that’s all” I say, making sure to not make eye contact with him.
“Is that so? I thought you might have been trying to leave the hospital or something crazy like that, but I could be wrong?”
I don’t know what to do. Does Bill know what I was going to do? I can’t let him know why I was going to the thirty-second floor. That was stupid of me anyway, I can’t kill myself. No, I can not kill myself. I need to get better, I just need to keep reminding myself of that. I look at Bill and realize I’m pretty lucky he popped in here when he did. He’s kinda saving me in a way, but he’ll never know it.
“I’m actually glad you joined me Bill, wanna just ride up and down?” I ask him hoping he won’t make me go back to the art room.
He looks at me with a knowing face and says, “Kiddo that’s one of my favorite pass times here. Let’s do it” as he hits all the buttons in the elevator, making them light up like a christmas tree.  
After Bill and I go up and down in the elevator a few times we head back to the seventeenth floor. We both step out of the elevator and Bill tells me to go head to my room and rest for a bit. I nod and watch as he walks to the receptionist desk. I wonder if he is going to tell them about what just happened. I really hope he doesn’t do that. I don’t need to have a talk with Dr.Yoshida again. I walk to my room and leave the door open as I walk over to the desk. I haven’t sat here yet so I decide to test the desk area out. The chair is quite uncomfortable I decide. I’m about to get up and then I hear Dr. Yoshida’s voice.
“Jonah can I see you for a moment?”
I look up at her and nod yes. She asked if I would like to speak in my room or in her office.
“Your office if you don’t mind. I feel really comfortable in there.”
She smiles and says, “You got it.”
We both get in the elevator and start to head down to her office. The ride down is completely silent. I was scared that Dr. Yoshida would be upset with me if Bill told her about our incident with me bolting out earlier. I hope she can somehow understand that I am scared to leave here. I don’t know what I am going to do. The elevator doors open and I follow Dr. Yoshida out and into her office.
“You can take a seat wherever you would like.”
I take a seat on the same couch that I sat on the first time I was in here a few days ago. I look down at my shoes trying not to look at her. She was gathering some paperwork and then took a seat on the couch opposite of me.
“So Jonah I need you to be honest with me. What happened earlier today?”
I assume she is referring to me getting caught trying to escape in the elevator. I sigh.
“I don’t want to go home, because going home means going back to school. And school is just a nightmare. It makes me so sad. I wish you could understand. The thing is I know I have to go, but I can’t. So earlier today in the art room I started to panic and I didn’t know what to do, so I had to leave the room. I raced into the elevator and Bill found me. If he didn’t stop me I don’t know what I would have done to myself, honestly. I feel so much pain inside and I can’t get it out and I do not want to live like this anymore.”
“Jonah can you explain to me why school is so bad for you? I just want to try to understand it better, like are there bullies, mean teachers, what is it?”
I look into her eyes making full eye contact and say, “ Everyday when I get up I feel let down. I am upset by the fact I have to go to a place where I feel so insecure with myself. It’s not because I am bullied. I promise I am not. But the people are just so obnoxious. No one talks to me, unless it’s to pass me a paper. I barely have any friends. I feel so alone and worthless. So then I think why should I be here, at this place that makes me feel so bad? I shouldn’t have to live my life in this way and go everyday feeling upset inside. I just don’t want to waste these days of my life feeling like that. I need to stop this pain now because I can not do this to myself anymore.”
I stop talking and can’t believe all of those thoughts just came out of my mouth. Dr. Yoshida looks at me like a lightbulb just went off in her head. I think she understands.
“Jonah I must say you never fail to impress me. You really are able to convey to others how you feel, and that is great. The thing is I don’t want you to think it’s a bad thing to be released. It is actually a good thing. I know this means going back to school, but it won’t be the same.”
“How will it not be the same?”
“Because you are different. You have been through a lot the past few days and have opened up to me in a tremendous way. That shows me you are ready. I know that your depression is still there and it’s not going to just disappear in a matter of days, and there are medications I am going to prescribe to you that may or may not work. This will all be a trial and error process, but I know you can handle this. Right now, you being able to admit that you were nervous earlier and unsure of what to do shows me you know what’s right and what’s wrong for you.”
I nod and say, “Okay I hear you.”
“Today was a rough day, but I think no less of your capability to beat this depression and open up that block that is keeping you hurting inside.”
“Thank you for saying that. I want to get better and make these feelings go away, I really do. I just don’t know how.”
“And that’s okay. You have your mom, me, and we are going to have even more people help you eventually. I also know you have made some friends while you’ve been here, right? Maybe when you leave you can try to stay in touch with them.”
I smile and think of Ingrid and Logan, and even Bill. In just these few days I have made more progress than I have in months trying to work on this alone. I really hope Dr. Yoshida is right about me, you know in the way that she has so much hope for me.

Day 5:
I open my eyes a crack to be blinded by the ray of sun bursting through the window. I try to shield my eyes the best I can, but fail tremendously. I stretch my arms above my head and smile. I know that I want to make the most out of my last day here. I get dressed in the outfit I came here in, my black sweatpants, a flannel, and my Vans. I run my hands through my curly messy hair that I haven’t bothered to do anything with all week. I open my door and peek my head out in the hallway. I don’t see anyone, but I can hear noise coming from further down the hall. I walk out, shut the door behind me, and head to the left. I look in the dining hall and spot Ingrid. I make my way over to her sitting alone at a table. She has a piece of paper in front of her and is drawing on it. I peek over her shoulder to try to see what it is, but she’s too fast. She turns around and smiles.
“Hi Jonah. What’s up?”
I was kinda caught off guard. I wasn’t expecting her to turn around so fast.
“Morning Ingrid. Not much, I’m uh leaving today.”
I don’t know if this is the right thing to say. I don’t want to tell her and make her think I am trying to brag about leaving, while she is still here.
“That’s so awesome! I’m really happy for you.”
I can tell by the way she’s looking at me, she really means it. She is genuinely excited for me, and I really appreciate that. I decide I want to just tell her how I feel.
“You know Ingrid, I really like you. And I just, I don’t know, I thought you should know.”
I look down at my hands, not believing I just said that. I look up at her slightly and she is grinning. She almost looks like she wants to laugh. Oh great, the first girl that I tell I like wants to laugh at me.
“You know Jonah, I like you too. You know what else?”
“What?”
“I am really going to miss you here.”
I smile and feel content at this very moment. I don’t feel judged or worried that she is looking at me. This time I like that she’s looking at me. I like that she doesn’t judge me, and maybe it’s because she has some issues too and that makes it all okay somehow.
“I’m going to miss you too. Maybe we could stay in touch though, I mean only if you want to.”
“Yeah we should. Here this is for you actually.”
She hands me the piece of paper she was drawing on and gets up from the table.
“I’ll see you around, okay?” She says and walks away smiling.
I open the folded piece of paper up and look at what’s on the page. It’s a flower, but there is something drawn in the center of it. I look a little closer and realize it is the stick figure of me from my drawing in art the other day. And next to stickfigure me is Ingrid, and we are holding hands and smiling. She wrote something underneath it, “The block in your mind can blossom and change, don’t forget that. From, Ingrid.” She wrote her telephone number underneath it as well. I am definitely going to call this girl.
I leave the dining hall and try to look around for Logan, but I can’t seem to find him anywhere. I pass the receptionist desk and find Bill talking to the assistant at the desk. He pauses mid conversation with her and breaks into a huge smile when he sees me.
“Well look who it is? My pal Jonah! How are you doing my friend?”
I smile at Bill and realize how lucky I am to have met Bill here. He basically saved my life.
“I’m doing better than ever Bill. I’m leaving today.”
“That’s terrific. I wish you the best boy, and just know if you ever need someone to chat with you know where to find me.”
He winked and I smiled back.
“Thanks Bill, for everything the past few days. I will take you up on that offer some time.”
He nods at me and continues on his conversation with the assistant. I keep walking and slowly walk past some of the other patients’ rooms to see if I can spot Logan in one of them. All the doors are open except one. I knock on it, and hope it’s his room. There is no response. I knock on it again,and it slowly opens. Out pops Logan and he just looks at me.
“Um hey Logan. Sorry to bother you I’m leaving in a bit and just wanted to say bye to you.”
I stand there awkwardly, wondering if he is going to say anything. After what feels like an hour he finally says something.
“Okay. Well it was nice to meet you here Jonah.”
“Thanks, yeah I’m really glad we met too Logan. Maybe we could hangout sometime if you want to.”
“Yeah I don’t think I’ll be out of here anytime soon, so I guess that probably wouldn’t work.”
He looks down at the ground and starts chewing on his lip.
“Hey well I would love to come hangout here. I don’t live too far away and I would really like to keep in touch.”
“You would actually want to come here to hangout?” he asks surprised by my offer.
“Yeah man absolutely. I want to see you and maybe we could hangout with Ingrid too.”
He smiles and says, “I knew you liked her. Yeah maybe next time you come you can tell me all about how that happened.”
I laugh, “I most definitely will.”
“Okay well I’ll see you soon then Jonah. And thanks.”
“For what?” I ask him.
“For more than you know. You’re a really good friend.”
And with that he shuts his door and leaves me standing in the hallway, wondering how I helped him while I was here. I guess everyone at this hospital really helps each other in ways that we will all never know.

Day 5: Later on
After talking to Logan I head back to my room. I gather the little amount of clothes I have with me and leave my room on the seventeenth floor. I ride in the elevator down to the lobby to wait for my Mom. I sit there for awhile and think. It’s only been five days here and so much has happened to me. I feel better in some ways, knowing that I have the capability to change my life if I want to. I’m in control of me, and that feels really great. I know that Dr. Yoshida has a lot of hope for me, so I think I need to start having some hope in myself. I still hate school, but I can talk to my therapist about that. Dr. Yoshida tells me it’s completely normal to have a therapist that I can see weekly or whenever I feel really down. She also says we are going to proceed with me taking an antidepressant, to see how it alters my thoughts. These medical inquiries are exciting for me, even though I’m sure anyone would think I am crazy for being excited to get a shrink and some pills, but I really am. It gives me something to look forward to, and something to remind me that I am in the process of working on myself.
My Mom finally pulls up, and I go out the revolving doors of the hospital. I am so excited to see my Mom and sit in the front seat right next to her. I’m even excited to hear her hum to her morning music on the radio. I open the door to our Jeep and am instantly surrounded  with the smell of my mom’s coffee and the embrace of her smile. I smile just because I am so happy to see her.
“Hey Mom, I really missed you.”
She instantly pulls me into a hug and doesn’t let go.
“Sweetie I missed you so much, you have no idea Jonah.”
I laugh and say, “I think I know.”
She lets go and laughs too. It feels different to be sitting back in the front seat of my Jeep again. I don’t feel as worried, even though I still know I have a lot to worry about. I think it’s because I know I can handle this now.
My Mom interrupts my thoughts and says, “So tell me, you must have so many stories, right?”
“Oh I have tons. I feel like I’ve been gone for a month, so much has changed and a lot has happened.”
“I want to hear everything. Oh and did you ever find out who that old man was in the elevator, you know the one you were so curious about?”
I smile and begin to tell my Mom all about the five days that changed my life for good.