What if the road that we came so far in our lives could be reversed? Have you ever thought of anything that you would change if you could go back in time and make a different choice? The reversed road could be thought of in every perspective. Whether if it’s about your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, anything that you cried for in your childhood or teenage times. I would like that chance because I made a mistake that I would regret. Big times. 

This is a story about me. I was born in the U.S, with a family that is not very wealthy, to the point where they can keep me and my sister eating and healthy, but there was a problem for my family. My mom got divorced when I was six. I also hated my mother because she beats me up every time she had a problem with her job or just anything that was not fair to her in life. She put the frustration all on me and I cannot stand her anymore. It’s like she barely talks to me and just thought of her son as a dummy that she can erase my life at any time of the year. I hope she never gave birth to me. When my mom and dad got divorced, I cried, I begged to the top of my lugs for mercy, but it didn’t do anything. Even the request of staying with my dad became a dream. I thought it would come to this, and I hoped for this. 

The day When I was coming home from middle school, I saw some of my classmates Eric buying a little plastic bag of white powder in his hands and handed him twenty bucks. I realized that the thing that he handed Eric was heroin. I didn’t care much about this and I kept on going home. But a conflict with my mom changed my mind. I was really tired that night I got home, but my mom was still mad at the world in every way. I don’t understand how she can blame everything on others when it’s her fault. She slaps me and kicks me, but for some reason, I don’t know how to fight back, I just stood still, feeling the pain and depression overriding my body. I pushed my way out of the house with fury. 

I did some research on Google with my phone, and it said that it can make you feel refreshed and can heal you. So I decided to ask if Eric has more to spare me. This is where my nightmare started. 

I dialed him and he told me to go to the corner on 6th avenue 23 street. It’s a place where there are no security cameras. I was so mad that I couldn’t recognize whether this is the right choice or not. I still feel the burning frustration steering my movement, manipulating my conscious. It was a 30-minute walk to the location of our deal, but I took it down to 20 minutes because I was eager to get the medicine and relief from all the burning anger I was experiencing. 

Surely, I felt better and my heart was beating slower, I was becoming a lot chill than I was before. But what I didn’t realize was after the first shot, I was immediately addicted to it. The next day, when I was sleeping, I felt pain, the never-stopping dizziness, and the colors that were appearing insight. I feel the world darkening around me like I was in a blackout. It made me feel I was between worlds and dimensions, traveling around and around. I felt weak, useless, trapped under a ton of rocks, unable to fight back. For some reason, I just kept telling myself to get heroin. I had no choice but to sneak out while contacting my friend to send me some drugs, and I’ll pay him in cash. I sprinted across the road to reach out to my friend. As soon as I saw him, I stole the needle and the package of white out of his hands and pushed the cash into them.

I was overwhelmed by the pressure that my mom was giving me and the heroin addiction. Even if the night sky was enlightened by the light of the moon, the brightness of the stars, but I couldn’t sense any light, both in the sky or in life. Days pass, I still have to deal with the heroine. I have seen the doctors only one time with the money I earned in my part-time job. I knew I was going to die soon if this keeps up. But I have no money to buy the medicine and cure myself, or the courage to even notify my mom. But I figured even if I told her, she wouldn’t care much because she wanted me to die ever since I was born. I spent all my money and some of my friends on heroine. This all ended when I met the first person I love in my life.

I met her in the place where I work. You might wonder why I wasn’t going to school; this is because I had no money to do anything at that time. I was holding on to the single string of my life. She caught my eye when I turned around my head. It was like time got frozen in that single moment when she appeared. Everything around her was like a leaf and she was the rose in-between. I never thought she was the woman that would save me from this endless void of pain. I went up to her and asked for her number. Her voice hit me like an angle went through my skin and sneaked up into my body, whispering in my ears. I asked for her name, she said: “Gabriel”. She has blond hair, blue eyes twinkling like a bright star in the sky, black jeans, what sweater with a “COOl” sign printed on it. 

After a few days, our relationship got closer because we live near each other and we can meet up in the park that was built on the mid-point of the distance between us. I don’t want to let her know the fact that I’m an addict, and since I’ve been trying to take medicine to cure my addiction, I thought that it would be fine to not notify her about this. But I was wrong. I was on my way to the drug store, paying at the front desk when she saw me and walked in. My heart stopped beating for a second when I suddenly realized that I’m in big trouble. She has a bad history with an addict and she hates them. She pulled me out of the store, accidentally breaking my sweater

But here is where the bad things happened. My mom died because of a heart attack. I don’t miss her that much because in my childhood, as far as I can remember, she never took good care of me. She was an unaccountable woman as far as I know. But without her, I don’t know which family members of mine are still alive. 

Gabriel calmed down and held her emotions together, but I can still sense the madness in her. “How can you do this to me?” 

“I trusted you”

……..

After the talk, we made a deal. If I can successfully get through the painful process of curing the addiction, she would stay, but if I didn’t, she would delete my number, and we would break up. 

Finally, It’s time for the final process: Not taking drugs for a week. I would go into a small room and stay there for one week. If I came out successfully, then I would be heroine-free. This small room I’d have to be in for a week in my apartment. 

The first two days were fine, not feeling much pain, but when the third day of the week came, I started to feel sick. I started to feel dizzy and started to shake. I felt super cold even if I had two layers of blankets on. I got the feeling I got when I took the first drug. The feeling of free-falling into an endless void of pain, The colors that appeared in my visual cortex. Everything around me seems to be my enemy. I started to get psyche in the last two days. I started throwing things around the room, drowning myself in the hot tub, the feeling of burning inside my mind, and your senses and your eyes. I smashed around my things like I was a monster. The feeling of the death of my mom and the pain of the itching mixed to combat against me.

The week passed, I did it, I thought to myself. I made a promise to my girl, and now I did it. She was the one who was backing me up all through my life of disaster. My life was full of pain and sadness. But these feelings started to fade when I met Gabriel, I would say that she was the light that shined on me when I was helpless. Love can make a difference when it comes to one’s life. It can change the way you see things, the way you think, even your personality can be changed. 

When I came back to my past mom’s home, my frustration of her child abusing me was all gone. I didn’t destroy the house or slam anything. Instead, I and Gabriel started organizing my mom’s room together. I found a black notebook in the drawer, with a lot of dust on it. I blew a breath on the book’s surface to clean it up, the dust exploded up into the air and faded. I opened the book and saw a title saying: “An Apology From Mom”

“——Dear Wilhelm 

Hi, this is your mom writing to you. I missed you every day when you were gone. I started to reflect on the things I did to you, and I was such a stinky mother. I know I didn’t give much to you in your childhood, because your dad ditched me, and I hated you because you looked just like your dad. You reminded me of him every time I saw your face, and I just can’t control all the frustration in my mind, so I started to beat my son, and I just recognized how stupid I was to hit my blood. I have reflected on myself every day now and I realized the huge mistake that I left on you. You probably will never forgive me, but I just wanted to say, Sorry.

Always with you.

                                                        ——Beloved, Mom. 12.25.2015”

My tears flowed down my cheek when I wasn’t paying attention. I had never seen this side of my mom. I always thought of her as the devil, but I guess I was wrong. Now I started to miss my mom, I hoped that I said Goodbye when she passed.

The sky was turning back to blue, with all the mountains beside our house, I feel like no one is ever going to distract us, ever again.