She was one of the craziest girls I've ever met. The most random words would spill from her lips, in many languages. Those languages usually consisted of Italian, Spanish, and French. She did this out of mere boredom. She always found a way to make me laugh, in the end.

She was also as beautiful as the flower that she was named for. Lily. Lily Wil Rodin. I don't believe I'll ever meet anybody who held the same amount of beauty as she, having both inner beauty and outer beauty.

I remember the first day that I met her: it was the second week of middle school. We were both in the sixth grade. She was a tiny thing, with a wistful smile and long, dark hair.

I had arrived late to school, missing the first week. My first period was beginning band. The other kids in the class had already picked their instruments. She was placed with the tuba, even though she loathed the thing. Our instructor claimed she would be a prodigy on the thing someday, leaving her with no choice but to select it.

I guess she was proud to be the only tuba player in beginning band. She was also proud to be the only girl in the brass section. She loved the idea of making loud blasting noises by herself in the corner of the band room, giggling maniacally.

So, when Lily found out that me, the odd, awkward new kid, would be her new partner in the instrument, Lily built a wall of great dislike against me. She hated the fact that she was no longer the only blasting tuba player in the beginning band.

Soon enough, though, Lily warmed up to me and started being nice. She even began to let me play the same tunes as her.

By the eighth grade, Lily Rodin was one of my greatest friends. There was never a single day where one of us didn't laugh at a random joke or at least annoy the other playfully. We often got in trouble for talking during class, but we went on talking anyways.

Her never-ending stream of happiness seemed as if it would never, ever end. I never saw Lily in a foul mood, and if she was, it lasted only for five minutes. She was loved by everybody, and everybody loved her.

But something happened.

Something tragic, that scarred her.

Which is why on the morning of February 5th, 2009, Lily Wil Rodin killed herself.

2010


February, 2009. There are only three days in that year that I can vividly recall in full detail. I do not wish to remember them.

The fifth. That day is like a black stain in my mind, forever carved into my memory. I cannot forget it, no matter how many swigs of vodka I can drink.

It was a cold, cold morning that had started out odd. My mother hadn't woken me up like she did unfailingly every morning. I woke up an hour late, as a result. I struggled to pull on a black shirt and a pair of my favorite jeans, rushing downstairs.

There was the sound of somebody crying. I staggered into the living room, where I found my mother holding a black book and my backpack. Tears were streaming down her face.

“Finn,” she began hoarsely, but she couldn't finish. I rushed over to her, and gave her a hug, figuring it had something to do with my dad again. She pushed me away, shoving the black book into my arms and placing my backpack on the ground near my feet.

I looked at the book, realizing it was a sketchbook. I grimaced. I had found it on the front porch yesterday, leaning against a pot of orange daisies. I recognized the swirly handwriting that was etched onto the cover that read, Lily W. Rodin.

“She was a gifted young woman.” my mother whispered. I looked at her, trying to figure out what was wrong. “Mom, what's going on?” I asked, beginning to get worried.

She didn't reply.

“Mom,” I began, but she cut me off.

“Have a great day at school, honey.” she murmured, then slunk away silently, reaching for her bottle of whiskey on the way. I didn't follow her, knowing it was pointless. Unsatisfied with my morning, I had rushed to school.

The school seemed cold and empty upon arrival. I parked my creaky car in the usual spot near the spruce tree, close to the band room. Nobody was outside, talking, save for a few druggies hanging in an alleyway. School hadn't even started yet.

The school was silent. Inside, students shuffled around, murmuring to one another. They seemed to freak out as I passed, some clearly avoiding my gaze and some flat out running away from me.

Liam, a friend of mine, was standing outside the band room. His face was pale. He looked at me, his lips twitching. He advanced on me, clenching his fists.

“You did this.” he spat, his voice quavering. I had never seen him so angry in my life. Liam was shaking, and looked as if he was trying to hold something in. His eyes were wide, his hair was wild upon his head.

“I ought to kill you.” he growled, raising his fist. I stepped back, startled.

“Leave him alone, Liam! He doesn't know.” a new voice cut in. Kate Mallory, Liam's girlfriend, stood beside me. Her makeup was messed up, like she had been crying.

Kate shuddered, and Liam put an arm around her. “What the hell is going on?” I asked, frightened. Nobody answered, for a moment.

“She's dead.” Kate uttered.

You could have heard a pin drop.

“What?”

Kate glared at me. It was as if she were trying to set me on fire with her scorching gaze. I felt like my heart was going to collapse; it was beating so utterly fast.

“Lily.” Liam explained, looking at me directly in the eyes, his voice quavering. I saw Kate bury her head in his shoulder, sobbing.

I don't really remember much after that. I remember running. A lot.

That's pretty much all I did for a long time.

July 16th, 2007

God, it's dark outside...

Lily staggered through the pitch-black darkness of night, scowling at the resounding giggles from Kate. “You're so loud!” Kate called back, letting out a string of laughter as she heard Lily crash and fall onto a broken branch.

Lily swore as she hit a tree, shoving her glasses up her nose and into her face. Kate laughed again. “We're almost there!” she called, and Lily groaned.

“Who's going to be there?” she asked. She was excited; sneaking out at fourteen (almost fifteen) was a big step for her, and it made her feel confident.

“At Liam's house? Oh, a couple of boys.” Kate replied casually, a voice in complete darkness. Lily hit another tree.

“Boys?” she repeated, trying not to sound too worried. She was never good around new people, let alone boys. She was too shy.

“Yes, Lily. Boys.”

Lily suppressed another groan. A light suddenly shined right in her eyes. “There you are!” a boy called, and Lily recognized it as Liam's voice. “Liam!” Kate squealed. She rushed to him and gave him a hug. It was no secret that Kate had a thing for Liam. The two were constantly chasing after each other.

In the new light, Lily could see Liam holding Kate. He was tall, with short blonde hair and a track runner's body. He was a year and a half older than both of them. He made Kate look fragile. Kate, who was tall as well, and had a body girls would murder for.

She flipped her auburn hair, laughing and letting go of Liam, who tried not to look disappointed to see her go. He held his hand out to Lily, smiling. “Come on, clumsy.”

Lily stumbled over, cursing at every mishap that occurred as she did. The night was not her friend when it came to walking in forest. She reached out and grabbed Liam's hand, glad to finally have something to hold onto.

He led her out of the forest, through a path that led into a neighborhood. Lily glanced around, seeing some figures hanging around the entrance. Kate loped forward casually.

“Hi!” she chirped.

“Hey,” some guy replied.

“Come on, guys. Back to my house.” Liam cut in. All the confidence Lily had before fled from her. She was shaking now. Liam noticed and squeezed her hand.

When they arrived at the house, Lily felt a little better. She hung back with Kate as the three boys and Liam went forward, flicking a light on in his garage.

Kate approached the garage, falling into an old couch beside Liam. Lily stood awkwardly next to a billiard table. “Alright guys. These are my two favorite girls in the world. This one is Kate Mallory,” Liam introduced, putting his arm around her, and then he nodded at me. “And that is Lily Rodin. She's a little quieter than Kate.”

One of the boys, a short one with shoulder-length hair, smiled. “I'm Red.” he said. He turned poked the kid standing next to him. “And this is Riley.”

Riley nodded at me, then looked at Kate. He stared at her like she was a different creature. Kate noticed, and didn't seem to care.

“I'm Finn.”

Lily jerked forward, startled. The voice had come from directly behind her, in her ear. She whirled around, finding herself gazing into deep, almond brown eyes. The boy looked to be her age, though he looked to be more mature than most boys.

“I'm- I'm sorry. I had no idea you were there...” Lily stammered. Finn was holding a pool stick, and looked as if he had been trying to get right where Lily was standing so he could make a shot. He grinned.

Lily could hear the others snickering behind her. She felt her face warming with a blush. “Don't worry about it.” Finn replied. He turned to the side and leaned over the table, scrutinizing his shot.

Lily found herself staring at Finn, observing his every move. He had dark skin that matched his eyes, and black hair that curled slightly around his ears. He was tall, but not nearly as tall as Liam. But tall, still. He had a slight frame, but Lily could see that he was very strong.

She was ensnared by him. She didn't know why: he intrigued her. He seemed so very interesting to look at...

“Lily?”

She turned, startled. Red was trying to hold in a laugh. Liam was looking at her, a weird smirk on his face.

“What?” she asked. Kate was staring at Lily, smiling a funny smile as well. “Have you been paying attention at all?” she asked, and Lily blushed again.

Finn set down the pool stick suddenly, seeming to give up on his shot. He gazed at the group impassively. Lily was suddenly seized by worry and jealousy. Was Finn gazing at Kate just as Riley and Liam were? She suppressed a look of bitterness.

Of course he was. Every boy looked at Kate. She was tall and slender, with long legs and a perfect, flawless face. Lily was shorter by two inches, but had a curvier body with wider hips. And her hair was lank and boring brown, whereas Kate's was an auburn with slight waves that framed her face. Lily also had freckles all over her face, though they were hidden beneath her glasses.

Lily looked up at Finn, curious to see if she was right.

Once again, she was met with doe-like brown eyes. Lily whirled back around, taken aback. Finn was gazing at her. He must think I'm weird or something. Lily thought frantically, feeling her heart pounding in her chest. Could they hear the nervous thumps?

Kate was standing now, but even then, Finn gazed at Lily. Kate took Liam's hand, and led him somewhere outside, giggling. Red and Riley stood, grabbing their skateboards.

Finn and Lily were left in the garage alone. She could feel his presence acutely. She felt like she was hardwired and everything around her was on fire. She wanted to scream and run away.

He sat down in front of her, smiling. He seemed so relaxed. Lily looked down at the ground.

“So, Lily, what do you like to do?” he asked in a soft voice. Lily snuck a quick glance at him. He was still smiling.

She looked at her paint-stained hands. “Paint.” she replied shyly. How would Kate act with a boy? She made it look so easy.

“Paint? Really? Do you have a favorite artist?” he asked, sounding genuinely interested. Lily smiled.

“I really like van Gogh. He's the greatest.” she said. Finn's smile grew wider. “I don't know... Rembrandt's use of shadowing is remarkable.”

Lily's eyes widened. She had never known somebody who'd known art the way she did.

“You paint?” she asked.

“No. I have no talent whatsoever. My mother paints. I just watch.” he replied, a tinge of sadness in his voice.

“What do you do, then?” Lily asked. She no longer felt so nervous. She watched Finn tap the floor, as if trying to decide something.

“Well, I am a musician. I am in the school band, as a trumpet player, and I play guitar on the side.”

Lily jumped up, excitement exploding within her. “You're in the school band?” she asked, and he nodded.

“Well, I guess I am. I just entered this year.” he said, smiling. Lily sat back down, closer to him.

“It's so much fun. I'm the tuba player there, with Isaac Abamore. He plays base in the jazz band as well.” she stated, earning a look of amazement from Finn.

“You play tuba?” he asked, trying not to laugh. Lily grinned. “The only girl at the school.” she said. “But I also play piano in the jazz band. Lately, I've been learning guitar as well.”

“That's amazing.” Finn stated, a smile warm on his face. He looked outside, gazing up at the stars through the open garage door. He seemed so serene.

“Miss Rodin, what do you think of the stars?” he asked in a soft voice, still watching them. Lily didn't know what to say.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“I believe that the stars are the most beautiful things in the world. They steal my breath away with every wink. I can't keep my eyes off them, because they are so captivating... If only I could have my own, here on earth.” he sighed. Finn looked away now, towards the trees.

“For now, I can only wait.”

2010


The sky was a depressing gray today. I shuffled over to my car. It was an old mustang than ran a little off sometimes. I had been painted black with two white racing stripes. I ran my hand over the dashboard lovingly.

I turned it on, hearing the familiar blasts of the engine struggling to work. It finally calmed down into a gentle hum. I pulled out a piece of paper from my pocket. Slowly, I unfolded it.


Kate;

We have to talk.

Come to our spot around the time the sun sets. I think you know who this is from.

L. J. W.



I checked my watch. 6:34 PM. The sun would be gone soon. I peeled out of my driveway. I was not looking forward to this.

So why was I going?

I still didn't know.

I slowed down and turned onto an old trail that looked like it hadn't been driven on in a while. I stopped the car. Trees sloped gracefully over it, towering ominously. They were so old.

“Kate!” a voice called. I screamed, startled. Somebody pressed their face to the window, their gray eyes squinting.

I opened the door, shoving the person the side.

“Jesus, Kate! It's me!” the person shouted as I tackled them. “I know!” I snarled. “Else wise I wouldn't have opened the door!”

“Then why are you punching me?!”

I stopped punching and kicking him. He gazed at me, hurt. I turned away.

“I hate you for doing this to me.”

Liam shrugged.

“I hate myself more.” he replied solemnly. He picked himself up the ground, dusting off his torn jeans.

“Who else is coming?” I asked, leaning against my car. Liam walked over to me slowly, stopping two feet away, knowing the danger of coming any closer.

“Everybody.”

My stomach twisted. Why had I come? It was too late to turn back now.

Liam placed his hands on my car. I saw him swallow hard, as if struggling to say something.

“This is her car.”

I nodded slowly. I couldn't speak either. Liam took a deep breath and traced the old dents.

He looked so different. His once short-cropped hair hung lankly down around his shoulders, and he looked as if he hadn't shaved in a while. He also seemed to have lost any athletic shape he had in high school. He was so thin.

I wondered how I must have looked to him. He kept stealing glances at me. I looked down at myself. I wore simple jeans and a black t-shirt. My hair was up in a tight bun, and only a few bangs slipped loose of their bindings.

“What happened to us?” Liam found himself asking. I started, unsure how to reply. What had happened?

“Life hit us hard, Liam.” I replied unsteadily. It was the truth. Liam shifted uneasily. I hugged myself, trying to get warm. It was cold outside, tonight.

“I've moved on.” I whispered.

Liam laughed a rueful laugh, short and full of disbelief. He shook his head.

“From what, exactly?” he asked.

I couldn't answer.

October 13th, 2008


“The weekend is finally over!” Kate chirped, grabbing Lily's hand. They sat cross-legged on the ground of the band room. Riley looked at her, his face full of shock. “You like school?” he asked, squinting. Kate smiled saucily. “What? I like seeing all the cute boys here.”

Lily sighed. Of course. Her and Liam must have broken up, again. She took her hand back and wrote down the answer to her math problem.

Riley shrugged, trying to seem unfazed by her words. Lily cast a glance at him, smiling. She tried to tell him with her eyes that Kate would find her way to him someday.

“Trying to do math corrections?”

Lily looked back to see Isaac grinning almost maniacally. She nodded, returning the crazy smile. “It was never your strong suit.” he said, nodding at the 35% she had gotten on it. He turned and walked towards the tubas.

“He likes you.”

Lily turned around again. Finn was sitting down slowly, joining the circle Riley, Kate, and Lily had made. He brushed off his jeans. Lily tried to ignore the nervous butterfly-feeling that was welling up inside of her. Her heart was beating so fast.

“What?” Lily asked, and Finn nodded towards Isaac. “He likes you.” he repeated. Lily snorted, and began putting away her stuff hastily. She was going to be late for a test retake.

“Yeah, right.” she said simply, and Finn laughed. “You don't believe me?” he asked, a gleam in his eyes. Lily stood, shouldering on her bag. She shook her head.

“Why would he?” she asked, and began to walk away. She laughed at the thought of Issac ever having a crush on her when there were girls like Kate around.

But as she opened the door to leave the room, she could have sworn that she heard Finn reply in a soft voice,

“Why wouldn't he?”



But it could have been her imagination.

2010


I felt the wind brush at my cheek, as if trying to comfort me. It lifted stray swirls of my hair up and distracted me from my work. The sky was beginning to darken. I checked my watch, exasperated.

Despair welled within me as I realized that I had to leave. I gathered all of my papers and placed my pen into my hair, trying to capture a few strands.

Suddenly, there was the sound of Freddy Mercury wailing Bohemian Rhapsody. Startled, I jumped. I flipped open my phone, silencing Freddy.

“Hello?” I answered timidly, starting for the forest. I knew the way to my destination by heart. It wouldn't be hard to reach it in darkness.

“Mia? Are you still coming?” Red's voice asked. I smiled involuntarily. It had been a long time since I had heard it. But the smile went away as easily as it came as I remembered where I was going.

“Of course I am.” I replied. There was a sharp crack as I stepped on a piece of wood.

“Mia!”

I turned around. A tall man was emerging from behind a an equally tall tree.

“Hello? Mia?” Red's voice slipped into my ear, and I jumped. I was so jumpy today.

“Yes? What were you saying?” I asked, smiling back at Stephen. I began to walk. Stephen caught up easily, walking as fast as I was. He squinted at me, trying to figure out who I was talking to.

“I was asking where it was.” Red replied. I heard a woman talking in the background, and Red saying something back to her.

“Starlit Field.” I answered, avoiding stepping on a flower. I was suddenly seized by a fit of fright. Stephen looked at me, worry crossing his face. I heard Red saying that he'd see me there or something over the phone and the sound of the line disconnecting.

I stared at the flower, choking on my breath. I pointed wordlessly at it, fighting tears. Stephen took my pointing hand and held it tightly.

The flower was a poppy. A single red poppy flower in the middle of a forest.

“What the hell are the chances, Stephen?! Poppies can't even grow here!” I cried, lifting my foot to crush it.

“Mia!” Stephen shouted, and pulled me back. “Leave it!” He took my hand and started walking towards the fields. I resisted him, but then gave in, realizing that he was too strong.

He eventually let me go. He didn't speak at all. He looked really upset.

“Stephen,” I began, and suddenly, Stephen whirled onto me, his face full of sadness and pain.

“Stomping on every poppy won't bring her back, Mia! Okay? She's still as dead as ever. Killing the flower she loved won't do anything. Just walk away.”

Stephen looked at me for a moment more before turning around and walking back towards the fields. I stared after him for awhile.


“Stephen, wait!” I called after him.

He turned back around, looking eager to continue on. “It's getting dark.” he commented, glancing up at the sky. I nodded.

“I'm really sorry.” I explained. Stephen smiled, nodding as well. “I know. Just forget it, and let's move on.”

I obeyed silently, dimly hearing the underlining message in those words.

December 23rd, 2007


The sky was stained orange with blood-red streaks racing across the expanse. Birds flew overhead, heading back to their nests, and the nocturnal creatures were waking from their daytime sleep.

The park was full of leaving families, weary from controlling their young children and hungry for dinner. This was the routine for them, mostly.

Stephen and Mia walked side by side, joking and passing a soccer ball back and forth. Carter trailed behind, trying to keep her balance on a balance beam and jumping over every crack. Kate and Liam held hands and watched Carter fall off the balance beam over and over again, laughing at her attempts to stay on.

Lily was way behind the group, looking around every few seconds, searching for Finn. He was hiding from her and planning to pop out when she least expected it. He loved to mess with her.

Lily sighed, positive he wasn't stalking behind some bench or stray tree. She relaxed and began to walk faster, trying to catch up to Kate and Liam. She didn't want to get lost in the dark. After walking a few feet, she panicked as she saw a bush rustle.

“There! I know you're there!” she yelped, smiling and pointing at the bush, preparing to bask in a shower of victory.

“Almost.” a soft voice murmured from behind, and Lily shrieked as arms enveloped her into a bear hug. She relaxed instantly, her anxiety vanishing as quickly as it had built up. She turned around to face Finn, relishing the kiss he planted on her lips.

“You always win.” Lily claimed, and Finn grinned. Lily squirmed away from him, running forward and passing Kate and Liam easily. Carter shook her head from side to side, smiling.

“You guys are ridiculous.” she giggled, looking back and laughing even more when she saw Finn acting like a lunatic and picking random flowers. “He's such a goof.”

Lily smiled, looking back. Finn was making a silly face and offering a daisy to Liam, who ignored him expertly. Finn shrugged and threw it at Kate.

“Hey guys, come on! We're going to be late!” Mia called, and Lily jogged ahead, falling into step beside Stephen. Finn was beside her in a heartbeat.

“Will Red and Riley be there?” Kate asked from behind, and Mia nodded. “Plus Anderson and Ella.” Stephen added, and Lily nudged Carter with her elbow, who blushed at the sound of Anderson's name.

When the finally got to their destination, it was dark outside, perfect conditions. The moon was high in the sky, but barely there, hanging thinly in the ebony sky like the lopsided grin of the Cheshire cat.

Starlit Field stretched out in front of the group like a blanket, basking in the slight moonlight and crystalline starlight. The grassy field moved like an ocean with every breeze.

This was the place the friends would escape to every Saturday night. Here they would sit under the imminent starlight, either in silence or quiet murmurs. It was a place to admire and get lost in.

Red and Riley were already there, sitting on a blanket and speaking in quiet tones. Ella sat near them but wasn't involved in their conversation. She was lying on her back, gazing up at the stars, humming silently. Her short blonde hair was splayed out in all directions. A skinny girl had been toying with Ella's hair absentmindedly, but when she saw Stephen, she jumped up and ran into his arms.

“Lauren!” he cried, twirling her around. He set her down and she ran over to hug Kate. Ella waved at the approaching group.

“It's about time you came!” Red cried. Stephen carried Lauren over and they sat down, huddling close. Mia looked over at Finn and Lily, who were sitting a couple feet away, alienated from the group. She watched as Finn put his arms around Lily's shivering body, heard him offer her his jacket.

She smiled sadly, wishing she had a boy to do that for her. She saw Stephen and Lauren together, and Kate and Liam, and felt so alone. Her last relationship had been so pitiful and awful that she refused to regard it as a relationship.

She sighed, glancing back over at Lily and Finn. Lily put her head on his shoulder, and her kissed her forehead. A star streaked across the sky.

Nothing in life could be so beautiful as love, she thought ruefully. She sat back, looking up at the stars.

They were beautiful, too.

2010


I heard them before I saw them. My car rolled over the dirt road slowly, turning at every twisting turn. There were the sounds of people yelling at each other.

This was going to be a long night.

I took one last left turn, stopping abruptly. A black mustang was parked a few feet away. I squinted. A slender woman was leaning against it, avoiding the gaze of a tall, thin man. Off to the side stood a girl who looked like Mia, and next to her towered a blonde guy who looked so tired.

I stepped out of the car hesitantly. I heard Riley and Ella getting out as well. Nobody looked up to greet any of us. The slender woman, I realized slowly, was Kate, and the man was Liam.

Time had really changed them. I looked back and looked at Ella, who stared. Her face was pale, her blue eyes were wide. Riley was looking everywhere but Kate. I closed my eyes. This was so wrong. What am I doing here?

“Who else are we waiting for?” I heard Mia ask quietly. I looked up. Kate shrugged, looking up at the sky. It was getting dark. She looked at her watch. “Very few...” she replied. “Give them thirty minutes.”

I shivered. It was so cold outside. I coughed right then, seeing my breath fade in the cold air. Riley moved up beside me, shivering as well. I heard Ella mumble something about sitting in the car.

“Is Finn coming?” I suddenly asked. It was one of the many questions that nagged at my mind. Liam snapped to attention and Kate looked up swiftly. Her eyes rested on me. She looked so much older than twenty. Whatever success she had in the two years since high school didn't show. She looked like every other debt-filled college student, struggling to find a place in life.

“Finn? Finn Austen?” she asked, and I nodded. She sighed, leaning back onto the car, closing her eyes. She slid slowly to the ground, pulling her legs up, trying to keep warm.

“No, I don't think he is.” she whispered.

Kisses. Isn't that how it always starts? I remember being so very scared. My heart must have been getting ready for a marathon or something; it was beating a mile a minute.

Those kisses were so very sweet. So very memorable. I wish I could keep them all. A smile is spreading across my face right now, along with a blush, I think, as I remember them.

Those simple kisses slowly melt into something more... something completely indescribable. Words could not explain this, could not do justice to the true meaning. I remember his hands on my face, my neck, my collarbone...

I remember the way my own fingers ran through his hair, relishing the feeling of being his, and of him being mine. I remember feeling his soft lips, so gentle, trailing the curve of my cheekbone, the slant of my neck.

It must have been well below freezing that night, but I was not cold. My body felt as if it was on fire. I would have trailed a million freezing nights for a moment of this eternal burning, this desire. I wanted to hold on to this moment forever, to keep it locked within the dark corners of my heart for the rest of eternity.

This was mine.

My life has always been so full of broken things. It's hard to imagine a time when everything seemed beautiful. The memories I keep locked away in the dark corners of my mind are full of bleak moments and shadowy reminisces that steal me away into a nightmare when I sleep. I can't escape.

I do have one beautiful memory.

In a life full of ugly things, I found my heaven on earth.

Isn't it funny though, how easily beautiful things are taken away? How easily they can be ripped from your grasp? It is utterly heartbreaking.

I loved once. I won't ever again. Everything else is dead in my eyes, without her. I loved her with every breath I drew. She was everything to me, and I would suffer a thousand days of torture and more for one more day with her. Just one more day.

I am a dead man. I died on February 5th, 2009, in the hallways of my high school. My heart stopped loving, my soul stopped caring, and my mind stopped working. I died of a broken heart. I breathe dust, and that is all. I am trapped in a living body- I am a walking corpse.

What does being alive mean? I wish I still knew.

It is of my own fault that I am dead. I didn't see her pain, I couldn't understand her silences. My ignorance, by obliviousness, killed her. It is my fault that she is gone. All my fault.

I still remember her smile, which was a rare wonder. The slight quirk in her lips, the crooked upward sweep, the way her freckles made it all the brighter. Her eyes would smile, too, when she smiled. I loved that smile.

I loved Lily Wil Rodin.

There is a house at the very end of Silvan Street. It sits apart from the others, separated because of a broken down picket fence. The garden is neglected, and weeds spill over onto the sidewalk. The grass has grown knee-high, in some points, and at others, the grass is brown and dead. There are no flowers flourishing, no trees in the yard.

The house itself is an eyesore. Its small, and would be charming if one cared for it. Shutters hang, broken, and stained. Burn marks char the far side of the house from a fire thirty years earlier, still not painted over. The porch houses a creaky rocking chair, dusty and adorned with spider webs. The wooden posts that ring the porch are ridden with mold and termites.

When a happy, newly-married couple bought the run-down house almost twenty years ago, the neighbors had hopes to see the house finally cared for. The Rodins had plans to make the house their dream home. The two would be seen working outside, gardening, pots of daisies and lilies stacked up on the porch, alongside new cans of white paint. Michael Rodin was a painter himself, and would often sit outside on the yet to be fixed porch, painting pictures of the flowers or his wife.

A year passed, and the garden would finally be tamed. The porch had a new coat of white paint. Michael and Victoria would begin to paint flowers all over the floorboards and posts. The house was beginning to become a home. They had twin sons, who they named Rhys, after a famous Welsh artist, and Vincent, after van Gogh.

Their life seemed so perfect. There were no problems, no worries. The house was being fixed slowly, becoming more and more of their dream home.
By the time the house was totally re-painted, the family had settled in. They now had a little girl, named Lily, for Victoria's favorite flowers. Nothing could go wrong.

On a dark September night, the family was on the road, returning from a camping trip. Lily was 7, and the twins were 10.

It happened so quickly. One moment, they were singing at the top of their lungs and laughing, and the next, they were in a ditch, mute. The car was overturned, the glass was everywhere and was dripping with this red sticky liquid. A truck was in pieces nearby, scattered all over the highway. There were no happy giggles, only sobs and soft whimpers. Then, suddenly, screaming. Tragic wails. Sirens. Police radios. Reporters. Cameras...

Tragedy on the road yesterday, September 23rd. A head-on collision takes the life of Vincent Rodin, 10, and the lives of Colin and Emily Thomas, both 26. The van of the Rodin family had been driving under speed limit, when they spun out of control in the slick wet roads from the constant rain, running head-on into the truck of the Thomas couple. No alcohol was detected in the driver of the van, Michael Rodin.

After that, nothing was the same. Michael and Victoria quit working on the house, escaping into the cold refuge of alcohol and abandoning their kids. Michael blamed himself for Vincent's death. He was home less and less, often staggering in at midnight drunk. Victoria would sleep throughout the day, sobbing in bed or taking a long drag on cigarettes, or sometimes, something worse.

Rhys took the responsibility of raising his little sister at ten years old. He didn't speak much, for he rarely had something to say. He was the kind of kid that only spoke when spoken to, or when he felt something needed to be said. He didn't run outside with a football, or create Lego mansions. He was the kind of kid who would sit under a tree and sleep or look at the birds.

He taught Lily how to paint. They would gather their supplies and escape to Starlit Fields and they would paint the meadow together, free of worry. The siblings would stay there for hours and hours, painting the sky, the lone oak tree, or the waving sea of tall grass.

As the two grew up, Michael would begin to be gone for weeks at a time, leaving Victoria at home by herself. Victoria began to fade away; she slept all day, and when she was awake, she'd sit alone in her room, staring at a picture of Vincent and muttering words in Italian. She became an alcoholic and a negligent mother, abandoning her children and escaping to the prison of depression. Gone were her strict Catholic morals, her composure, her patience, her sanity. She was a lifeless shell.

Rhys raised Lily to be an optimistic girl, and involved her in music and all things artistic. At the age of fourteen, she was very accomplished in piano, and could play the most technical and complicated of pieces. By this time, Rhys himself was one of the most recognized artists in the community. He had found his place in the world.

Perhaps it would stay that way.

July 28th, 2008


“Lily, I need to talk to you.”

Finn's voice in her ear caused her to jump. Lily spun around, punching Finn lightly on the shoulder. This would usually be followed by an imaginary gun fight, complete with sound effects and actions.

Not today.

Finn settled down silently beside Lily, his face unusually haggard. His hands were trembling, and his eyes were red. He took a deep, shuddering breath, clasping his still shaking hands together.

“We have to stop this.” he uttered finally, refusing to look Lily in the eye.

Stop. Clear. Silence.

“What?” Lily's voice seemed to echo, and she couldn't help but squeak the word out, even though she tried to force it out steadily. It seemed as if everything had frozen, everything was hanging onto this moment- waiting. Lily could hear her own heart beating rapidly, pounding against her chest. She put her hand up against her collarbone, pressing down, suddenly frightened that her heart would burst out of her chest. Everything was silent.

“Lily...” Finn croaked, his voice quavering. Lily flared. “What are you saying, Finn? What the hell are you saying?!” she gasped. She could not bear it any longer. Suddenly, her vision was blurred as tears began to pour out of her eyes. Her heart was beating faster than ever, and her breathing was dangerously unsteady. It seemed like hours until she could speak.

“Why?”

The word fell uselessly, almost emotionless. But it was so utterly obvious and plain that the word was truthfully full of pure and unmasked heartbreak. Her breathing steadied, and she trembled. Finn still refused to meet her gaze.

“Finn Austen-” Lily began, but Finn stood up.

“Good-bye, Lily Wil Rodin.” he whispered, and turned abruptly.

He ran, then, without looking back.

Rhys

2010


I should have seen all the signs. It should of lit a bright red flag right in my face. I'm so oblivious, so blind. She was lost long before February, and I had failed to notice.

When Finn ended it for Lily, it struck an odd chord in her mind. She didn't cry. At least, I never saw her cry. Even when she thought she was alone, she never cried.

She waltzed through life silently, becoming mute, emotionless, and hopeless. I think this somehow triggered something in her mind, connecting it to Vincent's death. In a way, she never saw either coming. It was all so sudden, so unreasonable. Lily was reminded of her past in a painful way: losing someone she loved.

I remember the first cuts I found on her arm. She brushed it off as the neighbor's dog. How easily I had forgotten the fact that the neighbor's dog had been dead for two years.

Our mother died rather suddenly two weeks after she “lost” Finn. Lily did not seem to care. She had never been our mother, she claimed. But I believe her death added more to Lily's mind.

Lily began to fail her classes. Her friends became remote from her, and she became remote from them. It was sad; some tried to stay in contact with her, but she didn't try to return their favor.

And then it happened. The moment that it hit me, that maybe, just maybe, something's wrong: Lily got into a car accident.

It wasn't major. Lily survived. But I remember the fright that stole my mind, the memories that rushed in from our family's so long ago. She had rushed head-on into a small sapling that large enough to stop the car. She suffered from a minor concussion and a few ugly bruises.

But after that crash, Lily seemed... different. She wasn't ghostly as before. She wasn't so clueless. She seemed to have a solved a problem. She seemed more focused, more intent on accomplishing something.

I wish I had known long before she finished her final problem.

2010


The night was freezing. Not odd for this time of the year, but no matter how many nights it was this cold, it always seemed to manage to catch everyone off guard.

Candles were lit, standing on iron poles in various places, illuminating twelve figures dimly, casting long shadows against the tall grass. The moon was not visible in the sky; it was a new moon. Behind the procession of twelve stood a great oak tree, tall and looming, as if guarding something. Flowers were strewn across the base of the tree- all of them were poppies.

Somebody sat near the oak, strumming a guitar. He wore all black, with a simple red poppy pinned to his shirt. A man shuffled over to the guitarist, sitting down silently. “Hello, Riley.” he whispered to the guitarist, and the guitarist smiled thinly. “Hello, Red.” he replied, then, closing his eyes, continued to play the guitar.

An athletic woman was humming to the tune of the guitar, lighting up the last candle. Mia set down the match, ceasing her humming. She started to murmur the lyrics to herself. Stephen joined in quietly, reaching out and taking her hand.

Carter stood off to the side, running her fingers through her hair. Anderson stood next to her, wrapping his arm around her protectively. His face is grim and as placid as those around him. Carter leaned into him unconsciously, her eyes dim with memories.

Ella held a book close to her chest, staring forward at the oak tree. Her lips were pressed together tightly, making her seem as if she were holding back something. Lauren shuffled past her, wearing a flower in her long blonde hair. Her eyes lit up slightly as she caught sight of Stephen, but she didn't say anything. She watched him silently, and he watched her. Their eyes met and years' worth of words and thoughts passed between them.

Kate leaned against the oak, staring up at the stars. She felt so cold, so alone, even when all her old friends and companions were sitting in the field before her. She wondered involuntarily where Liam was, silently wishing to have him wrap his arms around her the way Anderson's held Carter. She wouldn't dare speak these thoughts aloud, though. But she wrapped her arms around her close, shivering slightly. She searched for Liam in the candlelight, scanning the orange-flickering blades of tall grass for his slight figure. She smiled when she found him speaking quietly to somebody... Isaac, she slowly realized.

“Kate Mallory.”

Kate turned slowly, meeting the luminescent green eyes only a Rodin could have. Rhys stood behind her, a grimace plastered onto his handsome face. Light freckles dotted his cheekbones and his nose, making him look even more like Lily.

“Rhys...” Kate replied. Suddenly she was lifted up into a tight hug. She felt Rhys shudder with grief. She found herself crying into his shoulder. “Shh...” he whispered. Kate buried her head against his neck.

“Are you ready?” he asked softly, whispering into her ear. Kate shook her head. “I'll never be ready, Rhys...” she replied, pulling back from him. She took a step back, looking him in the eye, taking a deep breath.

“Is everybody here?” she asked, and Rhys shook his head. “All save one...” he answered. Kate nodded, easily guessing who was absent. She wrung her hands together, taking another deep breath. Then she turned, and glided over to the center of the candle-lit field.

Everybody noticed the movement, and in moments, the field was silent. They gathered around Kate, sitting down close together, saving warmth.

Kate gazed out into the field. She didn't see anything; her vision was blurred. She fought to hold her tears in.

“It's been one year.” she began. She swallowed hard. “One year since-” then she choked on her words, and tears began to pour down her face. She put a hand over her mouth, closing her eyes.

“Today is the anniversary of the day we lost a dear friend.”

Kate opened her eyes, and saw Liam standing. He put his arm around her, and she fell into him, hiding her face in his shirt. He took her hand and held it tightly.

“One year ago, on this very day, February 5th, Lily Wil Rodin chose to end her life. This was utterly devastating. I don't remember a day that passes by that I fail to think of her smile. She is a sweet memory that I refuse to let go of. So today, we gather here to remember Lily in every way.” Liam said softly, gently.

“She was, in most ways, miraculous. When she was only seven years old, she lost her family, emotionally and physically. Her mother resorted to drugs and alcohol, her father abandoning the family altogether, leaving her and her brother to fend for themselves. I remember her missing school on some days just to help Rhys clean the house and make money just to eat. She spent every ounce of energy in her to learn the piano, to play it the best she could and more. She was strong,” Liam paused, gazing out at everyone gathered in the fields.

“I remember her bringing Riley to his knees once when they arm wrestled!” Red shouted suddenly, and the group burst into rolls of laughter. Riley grinned. “I let her win!” he exclaimed, which only produced more laughter. “She was ingenious, too! Remember when she debated Einstein's theory of relativity with the science professor?” Mia added, and everybody nodded.

“She taught me how to drive.” Ella put in. Lauren jumped up, saying, “Me too! On the first lesson, she strapped me to the hood and showed me how not drive. She was psycho...” she giggled.

Everybody laughed along with her, and slowly, things became silent, with a few chuckles lingering.

“She taught us all how to love.” Rhys murmured.

The laughter vanished. Smiles faded almost instantly. A mournful silence settled in the group again, and all the optimism died. All eyes were on Rhys, and he stared down at the ground.

“Love...” a new voice uttered.

All eyes started on the newcomer. A gasp rippled amongst the gathering.

A tall man stood, his shadow cast against the grass, looming. His dark eyes gazed at the group wearily, his hands shook. He looked as if he hadn't eaten in weeks, his clothes were worn and ragged.

Finn Austen stepped forward, approaching Kate and Liam, his eyes full of memories, full of pain. His lips trembled with unspoken words, and he glanced around anxiously, trying to gather himself, and force the words out.

“I was in love.” he croaked, his voice barely audible. Like Kate and so many others around him, tears rolled down his face. His right hand pressed against his heart. “I was in love with the most beautiful girl. And she loved me.”

He closed his eyes. Where there was laughter earlier, now seeped tears and quiet racking sobs. Red stared forward, his face placid, his eyes bright. Carter and Mia were crying silently, holding each others hands.

“I killed her.” Finn stated flatly, his voice cracking. Rhys's head snapped up, complete and utter shock written across his face. Everybody froze... waiting. Finn clenched his fist, anger flashing in his dark almond eyes.

“I killed her with my words. I broke her heart, gave her no explanation. I abandoned her, left her with unexplained heartache and a reminder of loss. She didn't cry...” Finn trailed off, losing his voice in a quiet sob. “She didn't cry!” he shouted suddenly. “When the world threw her a load of loss and pain, she didn't cry! When she lost everything and anything she every loved, she didn't cry... why?” he asked. Finn dropped his clenched fist.

All eyes were on Finn now, and everybody was holding their breath. Their hearts were all breaking again, and they felt it hurting them more than it had in a long time.

“I ended it because I was feared she didn't deserve me. I broke her heart because I believed I wasn't good enough for her. I had to quit high school to work and make money for my family just so we could eat. How could she spend her life with a high school dropout? She deserved much more. And so I ended it. And I couldn't bear to tell her why.” Finn murmured, trailing off. Rhys stepped forward, towards Finn. He lifted his hand, and hesitantly put it on Finn's shoulder.

“Do you want to know why she didn't cry, Finn?” he whispered, his eyes bright with fresh tears. Finn lifted his head and looked directly into Rhys's eyes. He tried to speak but words failed him. Rhys spoke painfully soft:


“Because, deep down, she knew you still loved her.”

Lily Wil Rodin died on February 5th, 2009, at her house at the end of Silvan Street. She was seventeen years old, with her whole life ahead of her. That wasn't enough to save her.

Her friends were slapped with this news, frozen in time with their grief and pain. They sought ways to relieve this pain, to let go, but they hadn't a clue how. They were full of hopeless hopes.

And so they planned a day when they would all let go together, and remember Lily as she was, not how she ended. This day would be February 5th, 2010. Here they would sort out their memories, laugh and get on with their lives.

Sometimes the world wears thin and all we can do is stare forward and see nothing but a black tunnel. Time stretches on and drives us to the very edge of a cliff, but you need to hold on. There are days when it seems like the sun is burning out and everything is collapsing onto your head and you have nothing to keep you from falling face down onto the cold, unwelcoming ground. And when you're lying there, vulnerable on the ground, it seems as if every single time you try to pick yourself back up, somebody is there to shove you back down. Nobody will lend a hand. Nobody will help you up. Nobody will lie beside you and hold you whilst you're there, and tell you it will be alright. They tell you that you're supposed to pick yourself back up, dust off your grimy, filthy sleeves. They say that you're not supposed to give up Hope. They've never been in such a situation that you don't want to bring back Hope. They've never been right on the edge, only seconds from falling. They've never really been close to ending Hope. Maybe that's why so many people end it.

All because people just can't understand.

Or is for something more?

You must keep holding on, because when everything else may fail, you're heart is the only thing that will keep you alive. It is the only thing that'll keep you going.