I never went to these types of parties on my own behalf. It was rare that my friends and I would stop by, mostly because most of my friends had girlfriends of their own. I was different. I was a player, in the most disgusting sense of the word. I knew what people thought of me, and I was sure their perception of me was better than what was true. I was never one for relationships. No strings attached was just so easy, so entirely practical for the lifestyle I led, that it was the only choice, really.

I remember walking into the party with my friends, who’d assured me we’d only be stopping for a minute, and surveying the room. I was looking for any girl that would keep me entertained for a few minutes, a girl who wouldn’t demand anything more than a one night thing, a girl that wasn’t into starting drama when I ‘never called her again’. And, most importantly, I was looking for a girl my friends would approve of.

A girl who seemed to fit these requirements was standing in the corner of the room, alone, which was a huge bonus. She was holding a cup in her hand, looking bored. I smiled, already breaking away from my friends. My best wingman, Joel, clasped me on the shoulder.

“See anything you like?” He said flippantly. That was Joel for you. Got straight to the point, no bullshit, no sugar coating the truth. He was brutally honest, which I appreciated always. I nodded towards the girl.

“Who’s that?” I asked carefully. Joel smiled, nodding in approval.

“That’s Casey Lancaster. A year ago, I would have said no way, Christian. But she just broke up with this loser, Brian, and her parents are getting divorced… she’s perfect, because clearly she’s not looking for anything more than a rebound.” I’m not sure why, but it angered me to hear him say that. Like it was okay for me to use girls, but not for them to use me.

“Got it,” I nodded, already slipping closer to her. Casually, I leaned up against the wall, gazing deeply into her eyes, assumingly oozing confidence and sexiness.

“You lost?” Was the first thing out of this girl’s mouth. I liked it. She wasn’t going to be easy, and that made the conquering that much more rewarding. I shrugged, looking off into the distance.

“Nah, but I am thirsty. Want to grab me a drink?” I asked, just to see how much she would tolerate. The girl gave me a long look, and for the first time I noticed her eyes, a hazel green. They were pretty and not deeply lined in eyeliner, which was curiously original.

“Something wrong with your legs?” She replied, crossing her arms over her chest. I smiled. This couldn’t be more perfect. She wasn’t so in love with me that this ‘one night’ thing would crush her- in fact, she still remained looking bored, as if it wouldn’t bother her in the slightest.


“Want to come with me outside?” I asked, and I was surprised with how easily she followed. I was almost slightly disappointed, seeing this girl, whom I thought would be different, give in so easily. She followed, looking down at her shoes the whole time, her dark chocolate colored hair falling in front of her face. I led her to a bench outside, getting close. Immediately I began touching her with my hand, just to get an idea with how much she’d allow. I told her she was beautiful, a line I used so often that it had long ago lost its meaning. She didn’t push away, so I began running my hands down her back, around her neck, up her arms. I smiled dazzlingly, hoping it wouldn’t take long to get to the kissing.

“I’m Christian.” I whispered, hoping she’d hurry up and say her name.

“Casey. Now, can we cut all the talking and just kiss already?” I gave her a look, startled and slightly turned on. It wasn’t normal for a girl to play me in the same way I was playing her. It gave me a taste of what those other girls felt like. I didn’t like it. But I didn’t want to lose my reputation, and my dignity, so I leaned forward and kissed her, hard. Her kiss, in return, was surprisingly smooth and soft, gently forcing my mouth open around hers. As I wrapped my arms around her all I could think was how I wanted more, so much more. She gently rested her hand on my leg, which sent shivers up my spine.

It went on like this for a long time before I had to pull away. I could hear Joel shouting for me inside, and knew my time was running out. But I didn’t want this to be it with this girl, as shocking as that was for me to admit, even to myself. I’d never been sad to part with a girl before. Normally, I was already ready, jacket in hand, when Joel began calling out for me, eager to make our escape. Not tonight. It wasn’t just the kissing, either. It was the way she looked at me, like she could see right through me, and she was okay with what she saw. Like we were on the same page. So, I decided to go against all the rules I’d been taught, and I tested my theory.

“Casey, I’d like to get to know you more. But I leave for school again in the fall, so I’m not looking for anything serious. That okay with you?” I waited for the screeching, the yelling, and the anger. I waited for the tears, for Casey to look at me in disgust and say ‘oh, so I guess you’re saying we already have an expiration date, huh?’ I waited for her to show at least some sort of emotion from what I said. But, instead, she smiled. A sincere, genuine smile, and nodded enthusiastically.

“I think,” she spoke slowly, her words carrying beautifully into the night, “that will be perfect for me. I’m not looking for anything serious, either.” I liked the way she said either. I stared at her, not sure if I heard right.

“So…” I repeated again, just to make sure, “Are we both in agreement? This is nothing serious; it ends by the time school begins in the fall.” I watched Casey think for a moment, suddenly becoming serious, almost sad. But then she laughed, nodding, and shoved me gently.

“That’s what I said. We’re in agreement.” She stood up, grabbing her jacket. Then she pulled a pen out of her back pocket and grabbed my hand, stumbling slightly because of the alcohol. Smiling, she wrote her number on my hand, smudging slightly. After she’d finished, I whipped my cell phone out of my pocket.

“You know, they have these super handy gadgets nowadays where you can actually type the number right into the device you’re going to call the person with…” I said sarcastically, but she only rolled her eyes.

“Cell phones,” She said, walking off into the black of the night, “are overrated. See you around, Christian.” And then she was gone; disappearing into the night, with only the pen marks on my hand a reminder that she’d ever been there in the first place. I smiled. I liked the way she said my name.

Waking up the next morning, I already had a new message. It was from an unknown caller.

“Hey Case, It’s Christian. So, I’ve been thinking. In light of this whole ‘just for the summer’ thing, I think we should hang out… you know, like during the day and all. I need to make sure you’re not hideous in the light. Give me a call, would ya?”

I smiled, shaking my head. I enjoyed his cockiness. It was refreshing to hear a boy at least honest about himself, so I wasted no time calling him back.

“Hello?” Christian spoke groggily into the phone. I checked the time of his message- it was four o’clock this morning.

“Hey, I’m sorry to wake you, I got your message and figured it was from recently.” I bit my lip, hoping he wouldn’t catch onto how lame I actually was.

“Nah, it’s fine, I don’t need more than a good four hours anyway.” I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not, but I laughed anyway.

“So, what do you say? You still want to see me again after last night?” I smiled, shrugging.

“I guess I have nothing to lose. Sure. What time?”


I met Christian at the mini golf place around noon. When he’d mentioned it, I was surprised. I guess I really don’t know Christian’s scene, but I didn’t expect the mini golf place to be it. When I drove up he was already waiting, smiling and leaning against a nice sports car- I’m not good with cars, so I couldn’t say the exact type. I got out and gave him a quick hug, his strong arms wrapping gently around me.

“Ready?” He asked, gently grazing my hand with his. I nodded, suddenly self-conscious. What if what he’d said was true? What if I did look horrible in the sunlight? What if my shorts and tank top weren’t cutting it?

As if reading my mind, Christian suddenly looked me in the eye, smiling.

“By the way,” he said casually, “you still look beautiful.”


Turns out, Christian is a great mini golfer. He says it’s from all the dates he’s gone on at golf places… I hope he’s kidding. I play all right, as always, and he gives me some pointers. Still, I eventually lose my ball into the river. We both watch it for a moment, its bright pink color bobbing up and down in the water.

“Well!” Christian says after a moment, “I think it’s a good time for a break. Want to grab some ice cream?” I had to laugh at his optimism, but I agreed and followed him into the little shack next to the golf course. He ordered a chocolate frappe, but I couldn’t resist their “Double Decker Chocolate Drizzle Ice Cream Scoop”. He laughed at me as we walked over to the table.

“Nice choice,” he said, sliding into a booth. I stuck my tongue out at him as I slid into the other side.

“Don’t criticize… you’ll want some of mine. Trust me.” He only rolled his eyes at this, and then got up to go grab the ice cream. I whipped out my phone, ready to text someone, anyone, about how this date was going… but then I realized I had no one to text. I missed the days Grace would’ve been waiting at my house when I got home, lying on my bed and demanding every single detail. I’d begin by saying I got out of the car and hugged him, and she’d get angry and demand more specificity, such as his appearance, the weather, his car, his attitude upon arrival. All things, she’d say, were necessary ingredients of a good story.
I put my phone away as Christian came back to the table, juggling my huge bowl of chocolate mess in one hand and his frappe in the other. He gave me a look as he set mine down, sliding in across from me.

“Thank you” I said indigently, taking a bit. Actually, it was a bit chocolaty.

“So,” he said casually, watching me eat my ice cream with a smirk, “What do you like to do, mystery girl?” I practically spit up my ice cream.

“Wait, you think I’m mysterious?” I asked incredulously. He nodded simply, shrugging.

“Well, yeah.” He responded. I drew back, crossing my arms across my chest.

“I thought of you as the mysterious one. Of course, I saw right through it. But still.” I shrugged, taking another bite of my ice cream. I watched him survey me momentarily before curiosity got the better of him.

“Okay, I’ll bite. Saw right through what?” He grabbed another spoon and after nodding towards my ice cream and getting the okay, took a bite. He made a face, putting the spoon down.

“Oh come on. Saw through your whole ‘tough guy’ act. I saw you walk into the party, survey the room for your next victim of the evening, the girl you were going to hook up with for a few hours and then ditch. The only thing not entirely predictable about you’re display was that you picked me… why is that?” I saw him flinch a few times during the story, and I knew my honesty surprised him. Most girls would probably just shut up and eat their ice cream, but I wasn’t about to do that. I had nothing to lose. Even if he walked out the door right this second, I still got a free ice cream out of it. And that was good enough for me.

“Because you were the most beautiful girl in the room,” he replied easily, stretching out. I gave him a long look.

“Oh, shut up. That’s bull and you and I both know it. There were blondes with huge boobs and nothing more than a towel on. If you were rating girls on hotness, there were definitely girls there that you boys would have considered more ‘attractive’. Not that your opinion is entirely correct.”

“Wait a minute,” he countered, “I honestly don’t even know where to begin. First of all, who’s to say my idea of a beautiful girl isn’t the same as all the other guys, whose idea of beauty is blonde and fake? And second of all, why do you sell yourself short like that? You just assume, automatically, that a guy like me wouldn’t talk to a girl like you.”

“A guy like you…” I said hesitantly. He nodded enthusiastically.

“Yes, a guy like me. Let’s not pretend both of us don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m a known player, the guy who appears for the summer, gets with some girls, and then leaves for the Prep in the fall.” I flinched slightly but admired his honesty.

“So, that’s all I am then. Just another one of those girls.” I knew I was being stupid. I’d agreed to this last night. It just sounded different, him stating it plainly like that. I suddenly felt like a slut.

“Casey,” He leaned forward, stretching his warm hand out to reach mine, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. But, we did agree last night, that this wasn’t going to turn serious. You still okay with that?” I nodded because I had to be. If I said no, that I wasn’t, he wouldn’t nod his head and say, ‘okay, let’s do long term.’ He’d leave.

After a moment he sighed, looking down as if defeated.

“Fine, you want to know what really got my attention, besides the good looks?” He spoke smoothly, back on track. I nodded slowly, taking another bite of my chocolate.

“Alright, I’ll bite.” I said casually. He smiled, a heart stopping smile that reminded me of why so many girls put up with his bullshit- he was too good looking to turn down, and he was so sweet that for a while, you could pretend he wasn’t the type of guy that would leave after one night. But he was, and that scared me.

“Your independence. I admired the fact that you were okay going to a party and sipping a beer in the corner, not like many girls who would freak if they lost track of their friends for like, a second. You seemed okay on your own, as if you couldn’t have given less of a damn whether I talked to you or not. Which, of course, made me want to talk to you more.”

I smiled, gaining back some of my hard exterior as I said, “Seemed like I couldn’t have given less of a damn? Wow, I must really have been off last night.” He laughed, looking down at his hands.

“You want to get going?” He asked after a moment and I nodded, reaching for my ice cream.

“Nah, I got it,” he said, grabbing both his and mine and throwing it in the trash.

“What a gentleman.” I countered when he came back. He smiled, shrugging as if to say ‘what are you gonna do?’.

“I try,” he replied, holding the door open for me as we walked back out to our separate cars. He kissed me, gently, on the mouth, a soft kiss, one not entirely driven by lust as the night before, and then he got into his car and promised to call me. Then he was gone, and I was left, once again, with nothing.


The next couple days passed with texts, phone calls, and dates with Christian. Ever passing moment I wasn’t spending with my family, I spent with him. I knew my mom would notice. She was observant with things like that. But I didn’t want her to get too excited, full of hope about this new boyfriend, this new year, this new me. Because, come fall, everything would go back to the way it was. And it would just be easier if no one but me cared.

“Hon, who’s this boy you keep hanging out with?” My mom asked me one night as I helped her chop vegetables. I shrugged.

“Just a friend. He leaves soon for the Prep.” My mom surveyed me for a moment, before going back to cutting the broccoli.

“Huh. Interesting. You say that like its a hundred miles away- the Prep’s just down the road, isn’t it? Barely a fifteen minute drive.” Theoretically, this was true. But my mother didn’t understand how long those fifteen minutes could be.

“Mom, when he leaves, that’s it. He gets busy with school, and friends, and sports… it just wouldn’t work.” My mom pursed her lips as she tossed the vegetables into the cold water.

“I think you’re making this too complicated, Case. You like him, he likes you… you make it work.” My mother said this like it was ‘end of story’. Like it could be that easy. As if.

“Oh, like you made it work so well with Dad? He liked you, you liked him, so what was the problem? Oh, yeah… it’s not that simple, right mom?” My mom put down her knife to turn and face me, and I knew this was about the time I’d get that lecture, the one that started with, “don’t make the same mistakes as I did,” and ended with, “dad and I still love you.” Of course, I’ll never really know, because I was already out of the kitchen before she got a chance to.



“Can I ask you something?” I whispered into my phone later that night. I was underneath my covers, the lights were off, and only the sound of Christian’s voice was keeping me awake. It was well past two.

“I’d rather you not.” He replied, deadpan, and I laughed, quietly.

“When did families become so complicated? I’ve heard people say ‘not normal is the new normal’… but if that’s true, why do we still look for that cookie cutter American household in our own lives?” I could hear Christian breathing, and for a moment I believed, finally, I’d laid it on too thick. There was only so much a temporary ‘thing for the summer’ guy could take.

“I ask myself that all the time, Case. The only answer I can come up with is the comfort a person gets when they see that cookie cutter American family. On TV shows, in the movies, in books we read… it’s always the same, isn’t it? The family has some miniscule problem that’s solved in a half hour show, full of laughs, or in a 100 page long book, no problem. The point is, it always has a happy ending, clear cut, simple. And everyone wants that.”

I nodded slowly, not realizing I was crying until Christian asked me if I was. I shook my head, than reminded myself I’d have to speak- he couldn’t see me.

“No, just a cold.” I replied. Christian took my answer, moving on to tell me about what his friend Caleb did the other day, Baseball, his dog… I wasn’t sure. All I knew was that I had never been more grateful for a change of subject. I knew, deep down, that Christian knew I was crying. Which is why it hurt, only slightly, to know he moved on so easily. But I had to remind myself that this was temporary, that he would leave. And people who leave don’t need you bringing them down. It only makes them leave more quickly.


“Casey, mom says you have to watch me today when she goes out.” My little brother Will hopped up onto my bed, snuggling up with me. I smiled, wrapping my arm around him. I was protective of my brother, and I knew he was abnormally close with me, for a boy going into 7th grade. But, with our parents, we had no choice but to be close. We needed to stick together.

“I’d love to, bud, but I’m going out too.” I shrugged, as if that was that, but I knew it wouldn’t be. Sure enough, no more than two minutes later my mom popped her head into my door.

“You don’t mind watching him, right Casey?” I glared at her, but she didn’t get the hint to not do this in front of Will.

“Mom,” I hissed, “I already have plans with Christian.” My mom shrugged as if this was easily solvable.

“Invite him here. The three of you can hang out. I won’t be here to bother you, I promise.” She winked at me than left the room. I eyed Will.

“Well, go on.” Will said, smiling sweetly. “I want to meet Christian. Maybe he’ll play baseball with me.” I shrugged, figuring I’d give Christian a way out in the hopes that he’d take it. Calling him up, it didn’t take long for him to answer.

“Hello?” He asked, as if he didn’t know who it was.

“Hey, it’s me. Listen, I have to watch my brother today, so I can’t go out. If you want, you can join us, but really, I won’t mind if you don’t…” He didn’t let me finish.

“Yeah, sure, sounds like fun. Half hour?” I was about to make up some excuse as to why he shouldn’t come, but Will was watching expectantly, so I sighed.

“Half hour.” I agreed, before hanging up.


In fact, Christian came sooner than half an hour. Luckily, my mom was already gone. I was in the backyard, on the swings with Will, when he came around the side of the house. He smiled at me, wearing a light blue polo and khaki shorts, and I won’t lie- my heart skipped a beat. Will grinned, already hopping off the swing to go meet him. He ran ahead of me, practically knocking Christian over, already having him promise to play baseball.

“I have an extra mitt in the garage; hold on, I’ll just go get it…” Will was saying as I walked over. Christian was nodding enthusiastically, his eyebrows raised.

“Will,” I laughed, “Calm down and take a breath!” But he was already running around the side of the house. I shrugged, as if to say ‘what are you going to do?’ before wrapping my arms around Christian. He smelled nice. He didn’t wear much cologne, which I appreciated, but he always smelled clean. I guess rich guys have that advantage.

“How’ve you been, babe?” Christian whispered into my ear. I shuddered, only slightly, at his nickname of me. It wasn’t that I didn’t mind pet names… Brian used to feed me them all the time. But when a boy calls you ‘babe,’ it’s never without the distinction that you’re a couple. It’s as if I was his to call ‘babe’ whenever he pleased. It’s weird, thinking about all the other girls that have been Christian’s ‘babe,’ all within the last few months, I was sure.

“Good,” I whispered back, just as Will runs back around the corner. Christian pulled away just in time to be handed a baseball mitt.

“Ready, Christian? I’ll start!” Will backs up, baseball mitt in hand, already pulling his arm back to make the throw. Christian puts his mitt in front of his face, grinning at me. I shrug, walking back over to the swings where I can watch.



“Okay, bud, you want to keep you’re mitt low in front of you for these grounders, got it?” It’s been about twenty minutes, and I’m surprised with how patient Christian is with Will. He seems to have taken on this almost fatherly instinct, praising Will when he makes a good play and gently correcting him when he messes up. Both boys are sweating, and I’m just about to go grab them some drinks when Will, frustrated, picks up the ball and whips it at Christian, who’s just checking his cell phone. I watch it play out in slow motion. Will’s already turned away, and Christian’s not paying attention, when he gets hit in the eye.

“AH!” Christian yells, dropping his phone and gripping his eye. I jump up, running over.

“Christian, let me see!” I fight with him, but he refuses to let go.

“Will! Look what you did!” I transfer my anger to Will, who glances uneasily at Christian, as if he’s not quite sure whether he should believe this is real or not.

Christian shakes his head, always the hero, and glances at Will out of his one good eye.

“Nah, man, it’s not your fault. It’s no biggie, really. Uh, Case, do you have any ice…?” I nod, grabbing Christian’s free arm and pulling him up to the house.

“Will, stay there!” I yell over my shoulder before leading Christian into the house and onto the couch, where I leave him while grabbing some ice. Coming back, I can’t help but laugh. Christian shoots me a look.


“What?” He says defensively. I shrug.

“You totally just got clobbered by my younger brother, Oh Strong One.” I respond easily, sitting on his lap and gently removing his hand from his eye, replacing it with the ice. I can already see it swelling and turning purple.

“Did you seriously just say clobbered?” Was Christian’s only remark as he gently jostles me on his lap into a more comfortable position. I nod, leaning closer to him, suddenly realizing why girls think it’s so hot when their boyfriends get in a fight.

“You know,” I say quietly, gently rubbing his arm with my hand, “the whole injured bad boy thing is quiet a turn on.” Christian smiles at me.

“Really?” He replies casually, letting go of the ice for a moment to kiss me. It’s a soft kiss, and I gently hold onto his face until he pulls back, wincing. I laugh.

“Sorry… I forgot.” I say, and he shrugs.

“Worth it.” He replies, and again, my heart skips a beat.


We sit like that for a while more until Christian assures me he’s fine. I’m not convinced, but I agree that it would be a good idea to go back outside with Will. Stepping outside, I’m laughing so hard at Christian’s careful movements that I barely notice the backyard- and the bareness of it.

“Uh, where’s Will?” I say after a moment, glancing over at the swings. His baseball mitt is lying on the grass. Christian shrugs, glancing around with one eye, his other already swollen shut.

“Maybe out front?” He says carefully. I nod, grateful for his calmness. We walk over to the front, the sun shining brightly in my face, and again, it’s empty.

“S***!” I yell, running my hands through my hair, frustrated. “My mom’s going to kill me!” Christian shakes his head, pulling my hands away from my head.

“We’ll find him, okay? Let’s just think logically. He was probably mad, or embarrassed, or regretful, or apologetic, or sad... or something about what happened, and so he just took off. But he probably didn’t get far before he realized he didn’t have anywhere to go. Where are places in the 1 mile radius from your house that he could have gone?” I shrug, crossing my arms. I force myself to concentrate.

“Well, his friend Adam lives down the street. And then there’s a convenient store a block away.” Christian nods, pulling out his keys.

“Let’s go.” He says, marching over to his car, in full demand.

“Christian?” I say as we get closer to the car. He turns towards me, already in full-on responsible mode.

“Yeah?”

“Maybe I should drive. You’re peripheral vision probably isn’t the best right now.” He nods, throwing the keys over to me with more ease than I thought. Brian would never let me drive his car. I know the situation is serious, but still. It means a lot to me.



I pull into Adam’s driveway two minutes later.

“Wait here.” I say to Christian, who nods, a worried look on his face. Running up the steps to the front door, I take in the scooters on the sidewalk, the slip and slide attached to the side, the sneakers lying all over. If there were ever a place Will would like to go, it would be here.

“Hello, Mrs. Tanch? Hi, it’s Will’s sister. I was just wondering if you’ve seen Will anywhere.” Mrs. Tanch, a stereotypical soccer mom with a short blonde bob and a soft face, shakes her head slowly.

“I’m sorry, Casey, I haven’t seen him. But I’ll keep my eyes peeled, and I’ll check with Adam. I’ll call you if I hear anything.” I nod, already jumping down the steps.

“Thanks!” I call over my shoulder, clicking open the car with the keys. Christian’s watching from the front seat.

“She seems nice.” He observes as I enter the car.

“She is… she’s also useless.” I reply, which shuts Christian up. Pulling out of her driveway, I whiz down the street, towards the store.


It’s been half an hour, and there’s no sight of him. Exasperated, and close to tears, I turn to face Christian in the parking lot of Will’s school.

“Christian, if you were in Will’s position, where would you go?” I plead, tears in my eyes. I can tell Christian gives this a lot of thought.

“If I were in Will’s position…” He begins, “I don’t really know, Casey.” He says, but upon seeing my face drops, he adds hastily, “well, wait a minute. Casey, when I was a younger, I had a lot of mock father figures. You know, guys who would show up to throw the ball around with me for the evening. It frustrated me more than anything, because it seemed so fake… like all they were doing was trying to get with my mom. So whenever this happened, I would go to a place that reminded me of my dad. It helped clear my head, I guess. Any place like that for Will?” I think for a moment, ignoring temporarily the many questions that have popped in my head because of this story.

“Well, I don’t know about a place that reminds Will of his dad… but I know a place that you could be talking about?” And with that, I whiz down the street.



“Casey, honey, how are you?” My dad opens up the door, smiling brightly but looking slightly confused. I ignore the pain in my heart with the thought that my dad has to answer the door for me. And that I have to make an appointment to see him.

“Dad, have you seen Will?” I venture asking, though I know this question could only lead to multiple lectures and scoldings. My dad gives me a strange look.

“He’s in the living room, watching TV. He told me you dropped him off… didn’t you?” I run inside the house into the living room, where sure enough, Will’s made himself comfortable.

“Will! You are in so much trouble!” I scream at him, marching over. My dad watches from the doorway, puzzled.

I grab Will’s arm, leading him to the front door.

“Dad, I’ll call later to explain. But right now, I have to get this kid home before mom freaks.” And with that, I slam the door.


“Can I ask you something about what you said earlier?” It’s later on. Earlier, I brought Will home straight into mom, who was just returning. She was angry with me, for losing track of Will, and at Will, for running off the way he did, but she seemed preoccupied, so she didn’t say too much else about it. Christian stayed for dinner, which finally satisfied my mom. After dinner I suggested we go for a walk, but we didn’t make it past the driveway before sitting down, the sun setting in front of us.

Christian glances at me, nodding slowly.

“Okay,” he says.

“I was… surprised, by what you said. I didn’t know you’re mom and dad are split up…” Christian shakes his head, cutting me off.

“My dad, he’s out of the picture. It’s not the same like with your parents. He took off when I was young, so I never really knew him. Not much to miss, I guess.” He shrugs, case closed. Except, not really.

“Well, there are still things you must miss. That fatherly figure tossing the ball to you, tucking you in at night, talking to you about girls.” I nudge him gently, hoping to lighten the mood. Christian shrugs, walls up.

“I don’t know, Casey, I’m not really in the mood to talk about it.” He says, in a voice that advises me to drop it. So I do. Because it’s easier than putting up a fight. Because it’s easier than getting in way over my head, which I think I already am.

I’m way over my head. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I need to tell Casey everything. Not just for her sake, but for mine. But if I do that, there’s no way leaving in the fall, unattached, will be easy. It will probably end up being the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Still, is it worth it?

After the hunt for Casey’s brother, we were sitting outside of her house. Her brown hair was blowing in the wind, and the sun was setting on her skin in a way that made her seem almost glowing. I had an urge to tell her I loved her, which was ridiculous. I don’t fall in love. I have ‘hook ups’ but that’s about it.

“I was surprised, by what you said earlier…” Casey begins, but I don’t let her finish. I can’t. Because I already regret saying it. Talking about your past, and your family, that can only lead to trouble. I can’t tell her about my dad, because saying it out loud like that makes it real- and I can’t afford to let Casey see me like that. I can’t afford to let her get in my head.

“My dad, he’s out of the picture. It’s not the same like with your parents. He took off when I was young, so I never really knew him. Not much to miss, I guess.” What Casey doesn’t know, is that this in itself is more than I’ve ever shared, with anyone. And I know it’s not much, but I still surprised myself when I said it. It’s a lot more than I expected to give.

Casey persists. “Well, there are still things you must miss. That fatherly figure tossing the ball to you, tucking you in at night, talking to you about girls.” I’m angry with her for digging deeper, even though I understand her need to know. She’s only curious because she wants to understand me. But can’t she realize that I can’t just drop my walls like that, on a girl that will be gone in a month? I shake my head, my hands shaking slightly.

“I don’t know, Casey, I’m not really in the mood to talk about it.” I say harshly, more harshly than I intended. I glance up at her eyes, the eyes that I trust more than anything; the face that I know would never hurt me. But how can I know that? It’s impossible. I don’t know that. That face could be laughing behind my back tomorrow, those eyes could be savoring the information she gets from me so she can spill to the world. And I’ve worked too hard building up these barriers to let her tear them down, greedily and unknowingly of what the future might hold, for the both of us.

She nods, looking slightly crushed, but puts her hand on my leg.

“Alright.” She says softly, resting her head on me. She has no idea how much weight she just put on my shoulder.



“Dude, what is with this girl?” Joel asks me the next day. We’re out playing a round of golf, and I shrug, putting my phone back in my pocket, one message unread from Casey.

“Just a fun thing for the summer, man,” I reply, but Joel shakes his head, unconvinced.

“Nah, you and I both know it’s more than that. She’s changed you, dude, I can already see it. Besides, when’s the last time your ‘fun hook up’ lasted longer than a few nights?”

“Rachel lasted 3 weeks,” I shoot back, though we both know it’s not the same. Joel laughs, lining up his ball and taking a swing. We both watch it soar high in the air before he resumes the conversation.

“Rachel has nothing on this girl. Seriously, I want to meet her. The guys and I are going to a party tomorrow night. Why don’t you come? And bring her. If she’s worth staying in your life even for just the summer, she’s important enough to meet me.”

Christian’s taking me to some party tonight. I’m sort of nervous, because he says some of his friends will be there and I want to make a good impression, but I’m flattered that he’s willing to ‘show me off’ to his guy friends. By 7:15 I’m ready. I’m wearing a red silk shirt and dark skinny jeans, and my hair’s straightened. By 7:20, Christian arrives.

“You look beautiful,” He kisses me gently on the cheek as he leads me to the car. I smile self consciously, tucking my hair behind my ear.

“So,” I say as we head off towards the party, “Your friends… what are they like?” Christian shrugs, keeping his eyes on the road and gripping the wheel tightly with both hands because it’s raining.

“Joel’s my best friend. He goes to the prep too. Then there’s AJ and Mikey, both big hockey players. I don’t really care too much about either of them. Jeff’s a cool guy. I don’t really know anyone else going. We don’t have to stay long.” I can see Christian’s nervous about this, but I’m afraid to ask him why, because I don’t want the answer to be his friend’s approval of me. I don’t want to believe Christian doesn’t think I’ll get theirs.



As we walk into the party, it’s already in full swing. The house is dark and I can hear rain falling on the ceiling. Christian holds tightly to my waist, steering me towards the living room. He grabs my hand just as I see a couple guys waving and calling out his name.

“Case, this is Joel,” Christian motions first towards a good-looking boy with a buzz cut and skinny jeans. I take him in, concluding he looks like my best bet to win over the other guys- he seems like a ringleader. He smiles genuinely at me.

“Hey, Casey, I’ve heard a lot about you.” I nod, smiling back. Beside him are two other boys, both with shaggy hair, hockey jerseys, and beer. They look like frat boys.

“Sup,” The two say, and Joel rolls his eyes.

“Casey, this is Mikey and AJ.” Christian says again. I smile.

“Nice to meet you,” I say to them. AJ (or is it Mikey?) burps and, wiping his mouth on his hand, walks away. The other one follows, laughing.

“Hey, I’m Jeff,” the last one says. He has curly black hair and deep blue eyes. Reaching forward, he sticks out his hand for me to shake, and I take this as a sign that he’s a polite rich boy.

“Hi.” I say back.

“Casey, you want a beer?” Christian asks me, and I nod. I don’t really want one, but I don’t want to come off as a snob.

“I’ll be right back,” Christian says to me, walking off into the crowd. I rest myself on the arm of a chair. Joel smiles at me.

“So, Casey, you go to the Girls Academy?” He asks me, taking a sip of his beer. Jeff’s made his way off into the crowd, so it’s just us two.

“Nah, the Regional. Public school,” I smile at him and he nods, taking this in. I watch him, expecting some sort of disappointment to show through. I’m expecting him to lose respect for me, because I go to public school while the boys all go to a private one- because I’m not the rich girl he’s probably used to. I don’t see any hint that this is what he’s thinking, but I can’t really tell.

“How’s that?” He asks me.

I shrug. “It’s school. Well, it’s your school, minus the maids and catering business.” He laughs.

“It’s not that different, I promise. We’ve still got crappy cafeteria food, anyway. Just… more choices of it.” I nod, just as Christian rejoins us, handing me a cup.

“What’d I miss?” He asks, resting his hand gently on my back.

“Not much,” Joel says, and then he and Christian get into some debate over a football team, picking up a conversation clearly where it left off. I take a look around the room, sipping my beer. I see Mikey and AJ flirting it up with some blonde girls, who are enjoying the attention but probably won’t let it get much further than it’s getting. Turning back to the boys, Joel’s surveying the room.

“How about that red head in the corner? That could get interesting,” He’s saying, and Christian laughs, shaking his head.

“No way. Look at her ass- it’s huge.” Joel laughs too, pointing to the kitchen.

“The brunette, 3 o’clock, green dress.” I look over and see the girl from my chemistry class, Lauren. Christian leans back, taking a sip of his beer in order to look casual.

“She’s alright. Her teeth are a little crooked though.” What is he doing? He’s blatantly picking apart girl’s flaws in the same easy-going manner one would talk about pizza toppings. Joel’s pointing out a pretty black haired girl in the corner, and Christian’s shaking his head, saying something vulgar about her body. Excuse me? I’ve had enough of this. I can’t believe there talking about girls the way they are! It’s disgusting, and it’s embarrassing, because I know that at one point, I was talked about in this way. And it doesn’t matter whether or not what they said was good, because the point is; it’s all one quick glance. Christian wasn’t attracted to my ‘independence’. He was attracted to the fact that, unlike these girls, I don’t have a huge ass and crooked teeth. And yeah, maybe I’m lucky enough that my flaws aren’t physical, that you can’t see them in clear daylight. But Christian will see them, eventually, and then it will all be over.

“Yeah,” I nod as well, looking in the direction their looking, “you’re right. Who cares if that’s Lauren from Chemistry, and that she’s a straight A student, a cheerleader, and a genuinely nice person? It doesn’t really matter now, does it, because hey, her teeth aren’t exactly Veneer straight.” Both boys are staring at me as if they’ve only just now realized I was there all along.

“Casey, we were only goofing around,” Christian says quietly and reaches forward for me, but I pull away.

“That’s just it, Christian. You enjoy doing that. You get a kick out of picking apart peoples flaws. Well, when is it going to be me? When am I going to be the girl you pick apart? I’m sorry to be such a girl about this, Christian, but I have to draw the line somewhere.” Shaking my head, I pull out and walk away, fumbling with my phone as I call for a ride.




I don’t hear from Christian for a couple days. I get a lot of summer reading done during that time. But I’m painfully aware, once again, that I will be left with nothing come fall. And it’s never felt like such a sacrifice, me going along with this, but now I realize really, it is.

Finally, I call Grace. We haven’t talked in months, but just hearing her voice will give me reassurance that she was ever real to begin with.

“Hello?” She says politely as she answers the phone. It pains me to think that her sweet voice will disappear when she knows who’s calling.

“Hey, it’s me.” I say. No answer.

“Don’t hang up,” I continue, “Please, Gracie, don’t. I just…” my voice cracks slightly, and I know I can’t handle much more than this, “I just really wanted to hear your voice.”

“I know, I’ve missed you girl!” Grace suddenly responds, in that fake way of hers. Liar, I think.


“But listen,” she continues, “I’ve got to get going. Amelia’s going to be here soon, and we’re going to the beach! So let’s catch up sometime, deal?” I nod feebly and put down the phone, once again reminded of why we don’t talk.

I feel like such an ass. I don’t know what came over me during the party, but all I know is that I didn’t mean any of the things coming from my mouth. I didn’t actually think that girl’s butt was too big, and I sure as hell didn’t think that girl’s crooked teeth stopped her from having a killer smile. But I said them anyway. And now, Casey won’t return my calls.

“Case, please,” I plead into the phone, feeling entirely unlike myself and a bit pathetic. I’ve turned into my worst nightmare. I’ve turned into the girl who won’t stop calling and leaving messages, who paces by the phone for hours at a time, who can’t consume herself with anything but thoughts of this other person. I’ve become the girl who can’t stand a second without her boyfriend, who neglects her friends and family for him, the girl any guy can’t stand. I’ve become the person for so long I pushed away.

“I’m sorry, I was a jerk. I didn’t mean any of the stuff I said. I was stupid, and wrong, and just trying to prove to my friends that I was good enough- prove to myself that I was still the guy I was at the beginning of the summer. The guy that couldn’t give less of a damn about anyone but himself, the guy who never returned calls, never had second dates, never respected the girls he hooked up with. But you, Case, you changed all that for me! Don’t you see it? Can’t you see that I’m trying so hard to be the type of guy I’m not meant to be?” At this point I’m rambling, not sure exactly where I’m trying to go with this conversation. Suddenly, I glance at the screen, and notice she’s on the other line. She’s listening.

“Casey, I know you’re there. And please don’t hang up, because I’m just going to keep calling back and it’s going to get really annoying…”

“What did you mean when you said you’re trying so hard to be the guy you’re not meant to be?” Finally, she speaks. I breathe a huge sigh of relief, momentarily grateful that she’s talking at all.

“Casey, thank god! Listen, Case, I don’t know if you heard me before, but I’m so, so sorry…” She cuts me off.

“No, Christian, I don’t think you heard me before. I said, what did you mean when you said you’re trying so hard to be the guy you’re not meant to be?” I pause, thinking over my words in my mind. I know I said them, but I don’t really know what I meant by them.

“I don’t know, Case, I guess I just felt like there was so much pressure on me to be someone better than I can be. I’m never going to be the guy you need, Casey, I’m just not good enough.”

“At the party, you proved that to me, Christian. At the party, you proved to me you’re not good enough. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be good enough. God! Enough with the excuses, the whole ‘I can’t be that guy’ thing… why the hell not, Christian? Why can’t you be the guy you have the potential to be?” I can feel her anger, seeping through the phone. I shake my head. It’s the middle of August. I have 2 weeks until I’m back at school. I can’t tell her now. I can’t tell her what’s wrong with me, because telling a girl that would be like letting everything I’ve built up fall down, leaving myself unguarded. And why would I do that right before we part ways forever?

“Casey, this is getting ridiculous.” Finally, I can feel myself come back, and I know the words I’m speaking are my own. Thank God, I’m back. “We were only meant to be some casual thing for the summer. When did it become this whole ‘wanting to know everything’ deal? You shouldn’t need to know everything. We will mean NOTHING to each other in two weeks!” I can tell my words surprise her. She hasn’t seen much of this side of me, the side I’ve been hiding from her all along. But why have I been hiding it? I should have allowed her to know what she was getting into right from the beginning. She had the right to know she was getting into a lot of pain, and a lot of mess, by being with me.

There’s a long pause. And then, softly and carefully, “I’m sorry I’ve been such a burden to you, Christian. Have a nice rest of the summer.”

“No!” I say, searching my mind for something, anything, to explain to her why I can’t get into this, without giving her the truth. It’s no use. There’s nothing I can say or do that will change my reasons, and it wouldn’t even matter if there were, because she’s already hung up.


I pace around my room for a couple more minutes, before finally making up my mind. I grab my jacket, sprinting downstairs and leave a note on the kitchen counter.

“Mom,” it reads, “be back in 20. There’s something I gotta do.” I grab the keys to the car and run out of the house, only to discover it’s raining. I laugh in frustration, realizing I just can’t catch a break. Slamming the car door closed, I reverse and fly down the street. I don’t know what I’ll say to her when I see her. I don’t know how I’m going to begin. All I know is that I have to begin somewhere, because if I don’t, this will be the end. And as much as telling her the truth scares me, the idea of not having her at all scares me more.

When I hung up from my last conversation with Christian, I assumed that would be it. No drama, no excuses, no tearful goodbyes- just the way he wanted it. I expected to feel sad, but not this sad. I expected to miss him, but not this much. I expected a lot of things, most of which came true to the greatest extent they could. What I didn’t expect was Christian’s car in my driveway 20 minutes later.

“Can we go for a drive?” He asks me when I walk outside into the pouring rain. I nod, stepping inside his car, if only to get out of the rain. Then I give him a stern look.

“10 minutes, that’s it.” I say, and he nods slowly. I notice how tired he looks. His face is pale and his eyes are wet with tears. Another thing I didn’t expect. I fight the urge to comfort him, reminding myself that this is his fault, that he chose to make it this way.

He reverses out of the driveway and drives down one road, but then pulls over. Sighing, he looks over at me, killing the engine.

“There’s something you need to know about me, and I’m not sure how to begin, because I’ve never talked about it, with anyone, before.” I nod apprehensively, crossing my arms over my chest. My heart beats quickly, and I prepare myself for something drastic, something life changing, something like ‘I killed someone last year’ or ‘I’m part of the mob.’ I’m not sure what I’m expecting, but it’s not what he says next.

“Let’s see, how do I start?” He mumbles to himself, wiping his hands on his jean pants. I put my hand, gently, on his arm. He flinches.

“Christian,” I say, waiting for him to turn and face me, “it doesn’t matter where you start. Just that you do.” He nods carefully, turning to face me.

“Have you ever been to jail, Case?” I shake my head.

“I have. Have you ever seen someone you love behind bars?” Again, I shake.

“I have. I was seven when my dad was arrested. Too young to understand the mechanics of it, but old enough to understand what the repercussions would be for me. I used to ask my mom silly questions, questions I knew she couldn’t answer. Questions like ‘Mom, who’s going to teach me baseball? And who’s going to take the training wheels off my bike? Who’s going to teach me how to fish? Who’s going to be there for me? Who’s my dad going to be, if mine’s in jail?” Christian laughs suddenly, causing the tears brimming in his eyes to fall down his cheeks.

“I was nine when I had my first court hearing for my dad. I remember having to put on a suit that was itchy, and I was complaining the whole way, and I remember having to stand in front of hundreds and explain to them why my dad wasn’t the bad man they thought he was. But I didn’t know how to do that, because I didn’t believe he was a good man. He had left my mother and I, as far as I could be concerned, and that did not make him worthy of my good words. You have no idea, Casey, the toll my dad’s absence took on me. When I was 12 I chose to be in denial, working hard to keep up good grades, good friends, good sports, so that when my dad got out of jail he’d see all he missed, and he’d be proud. When I was 14, and my dad was still gone, I began my life of crime.” Christian smiles slightly, looking out the window, watching the rain come down.

“I would steal little things, things I had no use for as soon as I left the store. A lipstick, a pokemon card, a pen. But every time I did, I truly believed I was closer to my father than I had ever been- I felt like I was just like him. I felt like he’d be proud, seeing me continue the legacy he left behind.”

“Apparently, last summer, my dad was let out of jail. I had no idea. It wasn’t until this winter that I saw them. Pictures. Pictures my dad had sent my mom, pictures of his new wife and new baby boy. My mom didn’t know I saw them. I never brought it up. But I remember just thinking to myself, that it wasn’t fair. His old family had to deal with one version of my dad, the version that was arrested. His old family, my mom and I, have had to deal with the cracks my dad left behind for us to fix. Our relationship is strained. My mom works late and never really has the time. And my dad, he gets out scot-free. He just moves onto a new family, a happy, carefree one, one that never had to deal with what I’ve dealt with. That little boy will get to toss the ball around with his father, while mine rots behind bars, at least in my mind.” Tears drip down Christian’s cheek. He slams the steering wheel, hard, suddenly angry. I flinch.

“Last summer I made a pact, Casey, with myself. A pact that I would never do that to anyone, not ever. I would never let them suffer what I’ve suffered. Which is why I don’t DO relationships, which is why I don’t DO commitment, which is why I don’t DO love. Because I can’t afford to be the one to hurt someone that badly, the way my father hurt my mother. I figure if I don’t bother myself with relationships and serious girlfriends, I won’t have to bother myself with feeling anything at all. But I’m tired of feeling like this, Casey. I’m tired of feeling like girls are only good for one thing, because I know that’s not true. You don’t deserve all this, Casey, you really don’t.” He rests his head on the steering wheel, controlling his breathing. I place my hand, lightly, on his back.

“Did you ever think,” I whisper softly, “that neither do you? You don’t deserve not feeling love, Christian, just because you think you’re like your father. Because I can promise you right now you’re not. At all. I’ve never felt the kind of pain you’re talking about, not from you, not from anyone. But I have felt love. Strong love, love that can make up for all the bad in the world. I’ve felt it from my family, I’ve felt it from my friends, and now… I feel it from you.” Christian raises his head off the steering wheel, gazing into my eyes, watching for signs of dishonesty, which I know he won’t find.

“I don’t know if I can take that risk.” Christian finally mutters, quietly. I shake my head.

“You don’t have to. Because I’m scared too. I don’t know what the future holds for us, and I don’t know that you won’t ever hurt me, or that I’ll never hurt you. You don’t have to take all of the risk, Christian. You just have to meet me halfway.” He smiles slightly, nodding.

“I can do that.” He says, and then he kisses me, gently, as the rain falls down around the night, closing us in.

It’s been six weeks, 10 days, 11 hours, and 14 minutes since Christian and I made whatever our casual thing was official. And I can assure you, he’s the best boyfriend a girl could ever have. Sure, he’s still the guy that will go with his friends to parties and get wasted, but he doesn’t ever so much as look at a girl when he’s there alone (or so I’m told… but I trust him completely. Well, sometimes I ask someone to spy on him if I’m not there, but really, I trust him…). He’s still the jerk that makes fun of me for ordering too much chocolate sauce on my ice cream and not being able to finish it. But he’s more, so much more. He’s the guy who’ll hold open the door for me. He’s the guy that will call me in the middle of the night, just to talk. About life, about love, about sports… about everything. Once his secret was out, all walls came down, all the games were over. We were both sick of playing, anyway.

He goes to the Prep, which my mother was right about- it’s only 13 minutes and 43 seconds away from my house, if I drive fast. I see him every weekend, and sometimes during the week he’ll surprise me, showing up with a pizza and telling me he’s finished all his homework- which I know isn’t true, but still. The effort’s nice.

My school year’s going well, too. There’s a new girl, Hannah, who I’ve already gotten pretty close to. She’s adorable, with long brown hair and blue eyes and a sincere smile, and she gives great guy advice… and she’s way too dorky to ever be snatched away by the cool crowd. I’ve also joined the field hockey team, which has allowed me to meet some pretty cool people. And Christian thinks I look great in my uniform.

My parents are doing well. I don’t think they’ll ever get back together, but I’m starting to see that that’s okay, too. There are benefits to this divorced lifestyle. For example, some nights (and I’ve only done this once or twice) I’ll tell my mom I’m staying at my dad’s, and my dad thinks I’m with my mom, and I’ll sneak away to spend the night with Christian. Don’t worry! We haven’t done anything. We just lie there and talk, and kiss, and sleep.

I think back over my past year. Sure, the beginning wasn’t so great. And yeah, the summer was a bit confusing. But it’s all lead me to the here, the now, and I’m enjoying every minute of it. And I’m not afraid for the future anymore, because I know that it’s just about putting one foot in front of the other, and maybe attending a party you normally wouldn’t. And hey, Christian’s always there to meet me halfway.