"This just in. Pretentious indie rock band 'The Droogies' were found savagely murdered this morning in an alleyway near the popular club called 'The Dirty Yarbles'. The authorities state that the cause of death appears to be from brutal bludgeoning, and suggests that there was more than one assailant." The news anchor lady said as I sat down on my favorite booth in the kitchen, eating my cornflakeys.

"Oh bloody bloodclottin' hell." I said, sighing in disappointment.

"However, amongst the murdered band, police had found two angsty, stylish teenagers named Izzy McGee and Jonny Jenkins. They were hospitalized immediately after receiving multiple wounds from mercilessly being beaten like little girls, and will be questioned when their medical state allows it. This is Susan Boil from BBB news, channel 5." The television turned off abruptly as I looked over to the doorway, seeing my mother holding the remote control.

"Well, then, how was last night? Nice to see you're not in the hospital over there with your mates," She said, arms crossed, looking inquisitive.

"Mom, seriously. I avoid trouble no matter what, yet, whatever I do, it seems to always find its way to me. I left before any of that happened, I swear!" I tried to explain.

"Well, be glad you did. Else you'd be guilty by association, even if you are an innocent little malchek like you're telling me you are."

"Stop doubting me, alright? Goodness, I was suspecting that they'd be doing something awful that night, I knew it. I felt it deep down in my bowels. And Mr. McNastyflack was in on it too."

"He... What!? Ol' Haggis?! Naowwwwww! That can't be true! Why didn't I see him on the television this morning, then?"

"I.. . I don't know. I really just don't know any more. I wanted to stop them, because I could see it in their eyes. I know Izz. I know that look he gives me when he has a taste for some good ol' ultra-violence."

"Then go."

"What?"

"You knew this was going to happen last night, yet you didn't even lift a finger to stop it. It's time that you show some responsibility. All you ever do is have fun, living your reckless hedonistic lifestyle, trashing this and thrashing that. How about you go and do something good for once in your life!" Right then it hit me like a train. All this time I was feeling sick in the gulliver because I knew about what was going to happen that night, I just chose to ignore it. I knew that I could do something about it, yet, I chose not to. And my nausea was my body telling me that I'm a helpless doof, and by not doing anything, I was making a terrible mistake. Now three people are dead, and I know that I could've helped them. But time was of the essence. I needed to act as soon as possible to figure out what really happened at The Dirty Yarbles.

I set out to find Haggis McNastyflack first to clear up the mystery of why he wasn't on the news when I most definitely saw him with my mates before they left that night. I pulled up to the club, and during the day it functioned as a normal bar. I walked in, observing the miniscule amount of customers, and those few quiet people scattered about, drinking their soy milk and Cognac in peace. I shimmied up to Ol' McNastyflack, who was tranquilly cleaning his lovely cups, looking like he was trying to escape horrid reality by focusing his mind on what he loved most in life. I planted my fanny at the chair at the bar, and as soon as he saw me, he became outwardly unsettled, and started edging towards the exit of the drink counter. I noticed this, and to stop him I yelled, "Hello hello McNastyflack! Did you have a nice evening yesteryonder? News this morning was awful bad, was it?" He turned red, and broke out into a sweat, licking his lips and smoothing his hair as he looked around at the patrons who were now curiously looking at him because of my outburst.

"Come see me in the back, ol' friend!" he said in a forced manner, as he nervously motioned for me to follow him. I hopped out of my seat, and followed him. He then abruptly stopped and turned around, saying through clenched teeth and eyes shifting about, "What do you want from me? I'm busy!"

"You're busy? I'm sorry, I didn't notice. There's only about -" I poked my head around the corner to get a good view of the place, "five people in there. Quite the handful, I presume?"

"Goodness, well, fine, what do you need?"

"I need to know what happened last night."

"You want to know what happened?"

"Yes indeed I do, my good chappy."

"Do you REALLY want to know what happened last night?"

"Yes yes, now tell me, for goodness sakes."

"Nothing happened. Nothing at all. We were just out for a walk."

"It seems like the walks you three take are ones where three people get murdered and two get hospitalized.

"That... That wasn't our fault... We..."

"Oh really? Not your fault?"

"Yes! We didn't do anything!"

"Then why did I see you three leaving the building all weaponed up and such? And don't tell me it was just self defense."

"I.. I had no choice."

"What?"

"They... They destroyed... my... my favorite..."

"Who? The Droogies?"

"I... I can't say anymore. I'm going."

"WAIT!"

"No, sonny. I'm out of harm's way now, I wasn't involved, and I don't plan on that ever changing. Get out of here, unless you want to get yourself banned from The Dirty Yarbles permanently."

"Please Haggis... Just... Give me a hand here, alright? My mates are in the hospital, and I really need to figure this out. Just... Give me somebody to talk to so I can find out what really happened."

"You want to talk to somebody? Talk to Izz's girly. She'll know."

"Thanks, McNastyflack. I'll see you later."

"It's nice to see that you're actually doing something worthwhile. I'm proud of ya."

"I just want to help out my mates, is all." I walked out of the door, and I looked back to see Haggis was back to cleaning one of his favorite cups behind the wooden counter, proceeding with his daily routines. Izzy's girlfriend, Lissy Luscious, is quite the girlfriend indeed. Hips of a goddess, face of a deity. She's quite the looker, and I've always envied Izzy for acquiring such a beautiful and curvaceous girly. She intermittently disappears, however, but such is the price of having a woman as wonderful as her. I was intent on going to her so that she may help answering all of these questions that were so profusely burning in my mind, yet, I subconsciously had ulterior motives that had not come to light as of yet. I arrived at her apartment, and walked up the three flights of stairs to her home. It was a nice place, besides the debris everywhere and the crumbling walls around me. Perhaps once I'm ready I'll move in here as well, and then I'll have a chance at... Oh, well, that's not important right now. Moving on. I knocked on her door, readying my hair and priming myself to look as attractive as possible. She opened the door, and rays of light permeated in a luminous burst of gorgeousity behind her. It was like a heavenly visitation, as I stared at the face of pure perfection; the solidified essence of beauty. She was in one of the most fantastic and colorful dresses I had ever seen, and my goodness, how I hate Izz for having to be the one to have such a rare, heavenly flower all to himself.

"Sean! How've you been! It's been so long!" She said excitedly, her eyes sparkling in the light, her smooth, beautiful face shifting into a wonderful expression of welcoming candor as she smiled.

"Right good, indeed! You?

"Oh, fine I suppose.. I was just watching the news..."

"Ah, well, that's actually what I've come here to talk to you about."

"Oh... I see! Well, come in, come in. I was just making a pot of chai tea. Would you like some?" Heaven hath truly sent an angel, for she is indubitably the most incredible creature in all of existence. Chai tea! It's like she instantly knew that there was no other brew that could ever match the silky, aromatic taste of such a wondrous drink. The warm, soft flavor of the chai as it meets your palate is without question something of another world.

"Goody, chai tea! My favorite!" I said cheerfully, and walked in. Her domain was of simplicity. Exactly how I would live. Not a single piece of flashy, overpriced furniture enamored her pad, it was all just an aesthetic collection of pictures and geometric, multi-colored fixtures and furnishings. Indeed, it was organized and clean, like the home of a saint, yet things were brilliantly and sophisticatedly picked and placed, I would be convinced a famous artist had lived here before. I was in love. We sat down at her kitchen table as she poured tea into two finely crafted white cups enamored with hand-painted magnolias. She sat down and she said,

"All this talk about bands being murdered and Izz being hospitalized has got me real worried. I really hope he... he hadn't anything to do with-"

"Don't worry, Lissy. Look, I just had a word with McNastyflack, whom I had saw with them that night as they left the club after the show. He said-"

"Wait, Haggis was with them? Why would Haggis ever do anything like that?"

"That's what I was hoping you could answer. He wouldn't tell me anything, and he was awfully edgy with me. I know I saw him with Izz and JonJon, and they were all armed with canes and whatnot. Yet, he wasn't on the news, so that means he must've sneaked off after Izz and JonJon got clobbered."

"It's almost starting to sound like something went terribly wrong for them. If they were armed, how would those three unsuspecting guys in that band be able to have fought back so well? It should've been just a one sided battle."

"Indeed, that is a very good point. Perhaps Billy Boy, Dim, and Alex DeHuge were prepared to meet their adversaries. Well, all of this makes no sense, not even a shred of it. I don't even understand why Izzy and JonJon wanted to pick a fight with those blokes anyway."

"Oh, I can answer that one, dearie." I started blushing right then. She called me dearie! Oh bliss! Bliss and heaven!

"Oh really, now?" I said, holding back my happiness.

"Izzy's possessive beyond belief. I don't know why, however. He just hates it whenever he catches some other man makin' eyes at me."

"I can understand why he would be possessive."

"And why's that?"

"I would be too if I was with a girl as fantastically gorgeous, ideal, and brilliant as you."

"Why, you're just about the sweetest person I've ever met!" She said, holding her hand over her smile, all bashful-like.

"Why thank you! But it is you that is the sweet one."

"Oh, stop that! We can continue this once this is all over." Continue this?! Haha! There is hope, I thought to myself.

"So I take it that Izz caught one of the band members talking to you."

"That's right. Actually, All three of them were talking to me, asking if I'd like to get some dinner with them the day after the concert."

"All three? Goodness, sounds risky!"

"Indeed, I wasn't going to accept their offer, but Izz saw them surrounding me, and he called out at them as belligerently as he always is. You've seen it plenty."

"Yea, I know it all too well."

"Anyways, Izz walked over to those Droogie boys, and told them to back off of me. They said 'sorry mate, can't do that. She's quite the looker. Hate to see her wasted on somebody with facial hair as disgusting and distasteful as yours.' As you can expect, this remark didn't float very well with him, but, instead of fighting them right on the spot, he merely said, 'I'll see you three at your little gig tomorrow. And take my word on it, my friends, this will be the last gig you'll ever have.' He took me by the hand and we walked away. I was concerned, for I knew what he was planning on doing."

"I'd be worried too. I'm pretty sure he wasn't planning on buying them drinks over delicious éclairs."

"Exactly. And now look at what's happened. They're all dead, and Izz and JonJon are the prime suspects. I can't believe this is all happening. He's going to be off to jail, and what am I to do?! Clean up the mess he's left me?" She said, nearly in tears. I stood up and said,

"No! Not if I can help it!" She then stood up and walked towards me, wrapping her arms around me. I was mildly shocked, however in the best way imaginable, and I wrapped my arms around her as well. As we embraced, she let out a deep sigh, and I felt like she was freeing all of the built up pressure that she had been facing for the past couple days. I then let go, and looking into her incredible brown eyes, I said,

"I'm going to solve this, don't you worry. Everything will be settled in the end."

"When you do, would you like to come back and get some dinner perhaps?" She said sweetly, slightly unsure of herself, but nonetheless enthusiastic.

"Of course I would. Well, thank you for the chai and the info. Goodlater!"

"Goodlater!" She said as I closed her apartment door. Walking down the flights of stairs, I couldn't help but let shout out my euphoric happiness from her asking me out to dinner, despite all of the troublesome things that have been occurring as of late. I was getting closer to figuring out this mystery, slowly piecing together the puzzle, and I knew that the next piece would have to come from the two main suspects themselves: Izzy McGee and Jonny Jenkins.

As I came up to the hospital, I noticed pools of desperate journalists and camera-men outside the doors, trying to extract more details about the case from the authorities. I could hear the constable shouting, "Only friends and family are allowed entry!" I then fought my way through the bustling crowd, and presented myself to the gent.

"My name is Sean Dirks. Izzy McGee and Jonny Jenkins are my best mates, and I really need to see them."

"Really, now? I've heard that plenty of times before from this lot."

"Ask 'em yourself, then. Izzy'll know it's me." He then mumbled into his walkie-talkie, and received a mumbled reply. He nodded at me, and let me through. As soon as I walked through the doorway into the room where Izz and JonJon were, they both shouted in unison,

"Seany-boy!" and began laughing wearily. They were hurt pretty badly. Their heads were bruised up, their eyes and lips were swollen up, and they had gashes and gnashes all throughout their cheeks and arms. Bandages enveloped their bodies, and I could tell that whatever happened hadn't been planned.

"So who do we owe the great pleasure of meeting you here, my brother!" Said Izzy, as though he hadn't seen me in years.

"I've been meaning to find out some... things."

"And what things are you trying to find out, good sir?" Said Jonny, half dazed. Actually, no, that's just how he's always sounded, I just forgot in spite of the recent going-ons of today.

"I want to be straight with you two, I-"

"Well of course you want to be straight with us! If you didn't, you'd crawl into bed right next to me, wouldn't ya?" Jonny said, and both him and Izzy erupted into laughter.

"What happened last night?" I said sternly, trying to rebuff their ridicule. Yet, that made them laugh even harder. They've got to be delusional or something, but I'll proceed.

"Alright, now stop it. Three people are dead right now, and it might be that my two best mates are the ones who murdered them. I need answers, and I need them now." I said, now thoroughly seriously.

"Okay, okay, we'll talk Seany-boy. But first off, we didn't kill them." Izzy said.

"You didn't?"

"Nope. We didn't do nothin'!" Interjected Jonny. I looked over at him, slightly annoyed by his constant interjections, but ignore my vexation and continued my investigation.

"Okay, well, who did then?"

"We don't know! It was too dark out in that alleyway that night. All we know is that McNastyflack ran off on us as soon as this giant shadow appeared outta nowhere. McNastyflack was shaky the entire time, but, this monstrous figure is what finally broke his willies and made him run away screaming. We didn't know what to do after then."

"So what happened, Izz? How did this all happen to you two?"

"That dreadful figure clobbered us. Beat us with our own weapons. He then followed the band, and, well, they weren't as lucky as we were."

"Oh god..."

"That's right. Ol' Haggis was lucky enough to escape, but, well, it was all sorts of messed up."

"So what shall I do now, Izz?"

"There's only one thing I can think of. Go back to The Dirty Yarbles, and find the biggest man in the room. Talk to him. Avenge us and The Droogies, my brother." I then exited the room, and walked down with only one thought on my mind. If this man killed three people, and nearly killed two others with his bare hands all in one night, how good of an idea was it to confront him in a bar?

I entered The Dirty Yarbles, armed with nothing but knowledge. I looked around, and there were just the usual drunkards in there, looking sad and lonely as ever. However, there is one person that stood out, and has always stood out. I remembered him from the first night. Stupid looking and as big as a house. Dungus the sheep shagger. It had to be him that was there that fateful night. His arms were the size of trucks, and he could have easily have dealt that much damage to two ultra-violent armed teenagers such as Izz and JonJon. Yet, how was I to approach such a brute? Especially with one as stupid as him, it'd be hard to reason with the monstrous halfwit that murdered an entire band and beat my two mates half to death. I had to think. Think of something- Oh, now he's looking at me, with that same helpless, idiotic expression that he gave me the night before. What's his problem? Goodness.

I then came up with the perfect plan. It just so happens that Ol' McNastyflack has a family of sheep out in the back, near the kitchen, for it's in his Scottish blood that he's able to make some of the most delicious haggis (a dish containing sheep's heart, liver, and lungs, minced with onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt. Oh yea, and it's also his name). It all makes sense to me now, that's exactly why he comes to The Dirty Yarbles! Dungus just wants a chance to have one of the sheep that McNastyflack keeps! He probably thinks that if he hangs around long enough, McNastyflack might let him take one of those poor sheepies home, for, well, it's in his name for a reason. Apparently, he was once caught with a sheep down near Charles Snarkley's farm, and was arrested and charged with animal cruelty and was banned from being within 10 yards of a sheep that isn't his property. Ever since, he's been known as "the sheep shagger", and I don't think those long hours spent in community service helped him change his ways at all. Poor, disgusting bloke.

I asked McNastyflack if I could borrow one of his sheep, and since he had known me for quite some time, he wasn't reluctant to let me borrow the little beast for a bit. I then walked out, with the sheep in my arms, and beckoned Dungus over by saying,

"Oy, Dungus! It's your birthday today, isn't it?"

"HUH? DUNGUS BIRTHDAY? UMMM WOT DAY IS IT?"

"Your birthday, silly!"

"OHHHH YAY!! WUT DAT YOU HAVE DERE?"

"Your present! Why don't you come over here and get it!" As he stood up, I started moving away from him, out of the bar, and lured him into the nearby alleyway. I got many strange looks from passerbyers, but they didn't realize that my ingenious scheme was slowly unfolding before them. As I led Dungus into the alleyway with the cute little sheep in my arms, I said,

"Alrighty Dungus, here's your new friend. You may keep her, for your birthday present."

"YAAAAAAY!!!! DUNGUS HAP-PEEE."

"Of course you are. Have fun!" I then put the sheep down, ran off, grabbed the nearest telephone, and called up the police, telling them that a man just stole my prized sheep. They all came rushing in around the alleyway, with their lights and loudspeakers, shouting,

"Put the animal down and put your hands in the air." Dungus turned around and held the sheep even tighter in his arms, and then his expression of perpetual confusion turned into one of anger, most likely the same one he had the night before when he brutally murdered three people.

"HEY! DIS SHEEPIE IS DUNGUS'S NOW. TODAY IS MY BIRFDAY, NOT YOURS!!!" He yelled, and he began to run. The police chased after him, but Dungus himself was much too large and much too clumsy to be able to run with a sheep in his arms, and he lost balance and tripped, dropping the sheep and falling next to it on his face. The authorities cuffed him, and took him into their van as they read him his rights. They asked if I was alright, and I told them I was happy as a clam. I then returned the sheep to McNastyflack. As I did, he asked me what was all the ruckus about, and I simply replied that I'll explain it to him later. I then rushed out to my car, and drove off to the hospital. I ran into my best mates' room, and as soon as they saw me enter, Izzy said,

"Take a look at this!" He pointed up to the television, and then I saw my work unfolding before my eyes.

"This just in. Dungus MacMoron, more commonly known as Dungus the sheep shagger, was captured today after being reported to the police as 'stealing a prized sheep' from its owner. The police captured him, and after further questioning, found out that he was responsible for the murders of the three boys in the band found dead earlier this morning, and the hospitalization of the other two boys find with them. At first he said that he thought they were trying to steal the sheep that Haggis McNastyflack, owner of The Dirty Yarbles, owned, and that it was his job to protect his favorite fuzzy friends. He then denied everything he had said, however, it was all proven after finding the victims blood on his clothes and socks, for apparently he never changes...Or showers. Nasty fellow. This is Susan Boil with BBB News, channel 5."

We all cheered, and I hugged both of them as we laughed and smiled. It's all over now! They were cleared of all charges, and things would be going all ship shape from here. No more barnacles obscuring the pearly white bottom of this boat. I was proud of what I had done. I believe without me, this would've ne-

"So Seany-boy, how's about once me and JonJon get our rumps out of these beds, let's go get ourselves a drink to celebrate your success!" Izzy said, smiling from ear to ear.

"You know it, Izz! However, I still have a question I need answered from you."

"Well, go ahead, my brother! What is it?"

"Why were you, JonJon, and McNastyflack following the band with your canes and chains out, like you were planning to hurt them and such?"

"They made fun of my beard, and I wanted to show em!"

"What do you mean?"

"They were all hitting on my girly and such, and then slandering the scruff, and it's a man's duty to pick a fight with those who threaten his ego, right?"

"Well... Not necessarily. But, do go on."

"Alright, so, I walk over to them and say, 'Oy! Get off my woman, ya pansies!' and they're all like 'No! We can't let a man with facial hair such as yours have a woman that looks like this!' And well, I promised them they'd regret those words. And they were going to! We weren't intending to really hurt them, I swear! We just wanted to scare them, to make sure they know to not insult the beard."

"Alright, but that doesn't explain McNastyflack. Why was he with you?"

"Oh. Those Droogie kids were drinking up a storm, and they got crazy with the cups, and broke a bunch. And you know how much Ol' McNastyflack loves his cups. He wasn't too pleased."

"Right then. So do you think it was all worth it, all this just over your beard and Lissy?"

"Lissy? Hah! We're not really dating anymore. She told me that she wants me to shave because she thinks the beard is getting to my head, and well, we haven't been on talking terms since."

"You're an awful person, Izzy. But I love you anyway." I punched his shoulder, and we had a good laugh. Jonny joined in on the laughter, but we stared him down and he became quiet again. That silly wanker.

"So what now, Izz? What shall we do?" I said.

"Liss came in earlier, she was looking for you." Said Izz, eyebrows raised, smiling.

"Oh really? What'd she want?"

"To know where you are. Seems like she's quite fond of you, my brother. And, well, I can't blame her. You're a mighty fine fellow, and, I wouldn't mind her being with a person like you. In all honesty, I'm too good for her, my beard and I."

"Yea, perhaps you'd be better off dating a mirror." Said Jonny, snickering. We both looked at him disappointingly, and then carried on our conversation.

"Well, that means an awful lot to me, Izz. Thanks. I'll make her happy."

"I know you will. What are you hanging around here for, anyway? I suggest you go meet up with Liss as soon as possible, unless of course, you want to have a candlelit dinner with us instead!"

"Although that sounds mighty fanciful, I think I'll take Lissy out instead. Goodlater, Izz and JonJon. You guys rest up now, feel better soon." I said, walking towards the door.

"See ya, Seany-boy!" Izzy said, saluting me.

"Bye!!" Jonny shouted, waving his hands obnoxiously.

As Lissy and I walked through the nearby park that night after dinner, with ambient willows draping around us, and a pond in front of us as placid as the clear night sky above it, we found ourselves a comfy spot by the bank of the pond to sit on and I asked her a question.

"So what did you ever see in Izz anyway? He's quite a jerk when it comes to the opposite gender - no, actually, all genders all things considered."

"He was a nice guy. But he changed as soon as that peach fuzz turned him sasquatch fur." She replied, staring up into the stars, he alluring eyes sparkling in an unnaturally wondrous splendor.

"What do you see in me?" I asked, which made her suddenly turn coolly towards me, with a serene and smooth expression on her face.

"A man who takes responsibility in life, and who knows what he is doing. Pretty much everything I want in a man. Oh, and I enjoy your flannel as well." She said, playing with my sleeve. I started blushing as I looked out at the lake.

"And you're exactly everything I want in a woman. I found this out as soon as you told me you were making chai tea earlier today." She giggled and put her head on my shoulder, and wrapped her arms around me.

"Oh, you're just too great."

"And you're simply greater." I said, as I put my arm around her.

"By the way, the haggis was great tonight! I never thought that such a disgusting-sounding dish would taste so great!"

"Yea, McNastyflack is quite a skilled chef when it comes to Scottish cuisine. He knows exactly when a sheep is ready to be made into fine haggis, and he also knows how to cook it to perfection."

"Oh?"

"Yep, and what we had today was a sheep I myself picked out... From... earlier."

"Then you must be quite an accomplished Scottish cook yourself, then!"

"No, well, I wouldn't say that. I think we all have our place in life."

"Agreed."

"And mine is with you." I said, as our lips met for the first time in a moment that only Shakespearean prose and beautiful symphonies could describe.

And we lived happily ever after. Except for Jonny. Nobody likes him.

The end.