A Day in the Life of Batman


I'm here to inform all of you normal people about something of pressing importance. I am Batman. We just needed to address the issue and get it out into the open before people start getting suspicious, asking questions and commenting such as, “how do you know so much about him?” or “you've just seen the movies too many times.” But being Batman is not what everybody thinks it is. It's not all thug-busting and baby-kissing. There are serious challenges that I face every day.
1. Trips to the bathroom: That suit is much harder to get on and off than one would expect. On average, it takes me 37 minutes to take the damn thing off! This is where the problems arise. As soon as a feel a slight pressure in my bladder or stomach, I have to begin taking off the suit immediately or I may not make it in time. If I don't make it in time, like situations when I am fighting or on the run, I am always too embarrassed to say anything to Alfred, or anyone for that matter, and simply sit in my own filth until I can go home and start the undressing process. You may not see this as so much of a problem, but when you're Batman, it is hard to always be near a restroom, and shi**ing yourself is never fun, unless you're on spring break in Cancun, which you probably won't remember anyway.
2. The dating scene: Believe it or not, but being Batman doesn't always make me irresistible to women. Every date I go on, I am always covered with bruises in odd places, usually reek of justice, and can usually never hold a conversation without reverting back to my Batman voice or asking questions such as, “where are the other drugs going?!” Anytime I meet a girl who wears excessive makeup, I automatically think of the joker and clothes-line her or roundhouse-kick her straight to the dome. This usually doesn't bode well for whether or not she'll be coming home with me that night to let me explore her bat cave, and I usually just end up doing lonely activities alone in my lonely bat cave, alone, by myself, just me. When a woman tries to get close to me, I usually can never understand her motives and end up running off into the distance, muttering something about great power and responsibility and how I'm not the hero people need right now.
3. Car shopping: When you spend most of your time driving an armored car that can jump on rooftops, or a machine gun-equipped motorcycle, it's hard to find any car that can compare. I am left bored with every Lamborghini or Bugati that I drive, which makes every day commuting completely tasteless. I am Batman. This is the life that I live. I have accepted my fate, but sometimes a guy just needs to vent. I no longer have a love for any car other than the Batmobile and cannot enjoy driving anything else; even a fighter jet is a bit dry.
4. Everyone thinks that they can be me now: Ever since the movies came out, I see people of all ages and genders running around with costumes resembling my billion-dollar suit, screaming things like, “I'm Batman!” or “I'm Bruce Wayne.” No, you're not, b****, you're a normal civilian. Can you imagine some little girl running around with your face on? It would scare the s*** out of you. As you can see, being Batman has caused some bitter feelings to be stored up inside me for quite some time now. I needed to release them for fear of becoming senile. People dress up like me and try to go fight crime by themselves. They sometimes die or get severely beaten. They are not me. They do not know karate. They don't run my life. #yolo.

I walk around everyday, simply wishing that I could just strip down to my naked, ripped body and then get dressed in my bat suit, in front of everyone. But I know that these fantasies can never be realized, for the simple fact that I am a fugitive. People would be all like, “hey, that's batman, call the police.” I always live in fear that at any moment, my identity could be realized, and I could spend the
rest of my life in prison, simply for helping my fellow man. This is why I drink. Nobody knows, but Batman is a raging alcoholic. This is how I deal with all my problems, and I'm not sorry about it. I'm sick of this s***. I should have just become a stock broker like I was supposed to. A stress free life. That's something I wish I could have had. Everyone idolizes me and my other superhero counterparts, and I'm sure they see us as some amazing group of people with awesome lives. But we're not, and lives are shitty sometimes. Like the other day, I was riding the public bus to seem inconspicuous and a homeless man threw up onto my suit. And I'm pretty sure he had just consumed copious amounts of Taco Bell which made the whole experience even worse. I just want to get the point across, the fact that I, too, struggle with day to day stuff. We're not perfect. We're not to be idolized. Everybody's got their own s*** to deal with. I wish all you empty-headed lemmings could see that. But for now, I guess I'll find my answer at the bottom of this bottle of Jack Daniels and bag of Doritos. Dammit. Just crumbs left. I guess I could roll around in it and get a cheap, orange tan, just like Snooki.