Stupid thing about friendship is that when you’re friends with someone, you expect them to be there to support you all the way. When you’re friends with someone, you expect them to care about you, not let you get hurt, not make you be hurt by whatever is around you. When you’re best friends with a guy, there’s no doubt you’re going to feel something else than friendship, you’ll feel this kind of happiness that only he can give to you. You expect them to be perfect to you.

I didn’t want this. It wasn’t my choice. I didn’t want to hurt myself in a way that no one can feel what I’m currently feeling. It wasn’t my choice to make myself the devil of the problem, but I wanted to be. I wanted to ruin everything because he was my friend first. He was mine all alone and now everyone else is taking him away from me. I didn’t want all this. I didn’t ask for it. I was well aware that he was one of the most disgusting little creeps that I’ve ever met. I thought I could change him. I thought I could do something that would make him realise all his doings are hurting people. Instead of saving others from getting hurt, I ended up being the one hurt. And I thought I could do better. He was my friend. I was his friend. He knew everything, my problems, my stories, my fears and thoughts, even my dreams. He knew where I would hurt most. He knew that I was the kind who gets jealous over petty things so fast. He knew. And he used the information well. I didn’t expect this to happen. I didn’t expect he’d do this to me. Yes, true. I was expecting more, and I still am. I thought he could be my friend. I guess I put too high of hopes till at one point, I just couldn’t handle the pain anymore. It hurts. It hurts to see your own friend being taken by your other friend. It’s not the kind of hurt that you can put away in a little box and bury it 7 feet beneath the ground. It certainly isn’t the kind of hurt that you can easily detect and put on a bandage and the pain will go away. I don’t think this kind of hurt can ever go away. It hurts too much, when you see them talking through your very own phone, when you see them smiling and being happy while you’re burning inside out. Gosh, I hate this. I’m not supposed to be jealous of this tiny thing. I didn’t ask for this to happen. Please. Make it stop. I only want to feel happiness and smiles upon my face. I want this hatred, this jealousy to stop. It hurts way too much to even bare it in your tiny little beating heart.

When you greeted me with a shy smile upon your face and a phone twice the palm of my hand, I said to myself, “Yeap, he’s my friend”. He had the most charming smile yet the most gruesome face. Yes, he was my friend. We talked and talked and could’ve stayed there the whole night. I didn’t want the night to end. I didn’t want to close my eyes. It wasn’t much of a choice because it was already 12.30 in the morning and we were in front of a lift and he was playing with the doors to the steps. It was cute. It was perfect. We were friends. With a click of a second, everything changed and everything he did hurt me. I didn’t want to feel this hurt. The pain is just unbearable. I wanted it to end. I wanted the friendship to end. I wanted his life to end. I wanted mine to end. I wanted to kill myself. It hurts because imagine losing your friend to a bunch of wannabes; imagine losing your friend to a girl who’s in the same class as you are. Imagine losing your best friend to someone who you don’t even know. It hurts like hell, no doubt. I wanted to be friends with everyone. I don’t care if they were guys or girls, I just wanted and needed a ring of friends around me so that I’ll know I’ll be safe with them. It looks like I didn’t make it to the top of my willing. All the “friends” I’ve been proud of, they mean nothing to me anymore, because it looks like I mean nothing to them. When will I ever have the chance to have a friend that could really stay beside me during whatever circumstances, to hold me when I’m weak, to protect me when I’m lost, to pull me up when I am down. I don’t think I’ll ever get the chance to have a friend like that. Everyone else left me. Now, I’m alone in this stupid dump, thinking about all the problems of my so called “friend” when the real truth is I should be thinking of myself. I should just stop thinking of my emotions and get on with life, shouldn’t I? Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to. My head said no, my heart said yes. I should be thinking of them because they are my friends anyways. I should be thinking of them because they did help me once long ago. I should, I am, but they’re not. I guess they just stopped caring. I guess he just stopped caring. I need him to know that I’m hurt. I need him to know that I need help. I need him to know that every time I get mad, my hands shake and twist and hurt and my lips starts to twitch and my eyes starts to burn and my legs starts to jump. I need him to know that when I said “I’m okay”, it means that I’m not. I’m shattering inside and I’m broken out. I can’t focus in class. I can’t breathe when I talk to him. I can’t think of anything else when I get mad. It hurts way too much. I want to cry. I want to release this stupid feeling of sadness. I want to enjoy my life, for once. Please. Is it too much to ask for?