I've never truly had a crush. Not because I didn't want one, of course. I wanted to experience love, maybe. I was by myself, when my friend texted me a quiz to find out my rare phobia. Philophobia. Falling in love.

I was freaked out...and couldn't help but start to cry. is that why I never had a crush. In all my fifteen years of being alive, is that why I didn't understand the butterflies in the stomach. I loved love songs, romance novels, and cringy old Hollywood movies. But why didn't I ever actually experience love? I had admiration, sure, but not love. Love was a strong word. My family had so many songs about love. And they seemed to punch me in the stomach every time.

One sunny high school day, I was walking down the hall. I was speaking with one of my best friends, a boy named Axel. His sister came up behind us, moving our hands so they touched. I freaked out, pulling away as tears ran down my face. One of my other fears, close contact...I can hug people and things, but without my consent, I freak out.

"You guys should be more than friends?" his sister Tasha said.

"What the heck is more than friends?" I asked, clearly living under a rock. Because I was. I was so innocent...wasn't I?

"You know, like friends with benefits? And, girlfriend/boyfriend. That kinda stuff," Tasha stated.

"Friends with benefits?" I asked, a little creeped out.

"High school is the best time for boyfriends," Tasha pointed out.

"He and I are just friends. That's all. Best friends since middle school, but that's it."

"Right? Well, high school boys are the best."

"No, they aren't. Most of them have their hormones and everything kick in. They're bratty and rude, and so not mature."

"That's because you're so much more mature than everyone!" 

"Tasha, I'm not dating anyone! I've never had a crush. Just accept that I may be asexual." 

"You're just afraid to admit you have feelings for him!" Tasha said, storming off. I stared at Axel who admittedly rushed after his sister. I sat on the cold floor, with my head in my lap, crying. To this day, now that I'm fifteen, I've asked my parents what a crush feels like. they always tell me I'll figure it out one day. But I don't think so. If Tasha is truly right, I am scared of love.