I turn on the television to find an unfortunate and klutzy woman filmed in black and white losing a staged battle with a traditional product. Her unwieldy knife slips from the mushroom and cuts her finger, which she clutches in exaggerated agony. The lid flies from her blender as its contents shoot toward the ceiling. Her can opener loses its grip on the can, spilling its contents across the counter top. She gasps as her razor nicks her leg. She shifts restlessly in her sleep, plagued by her lumpy pillow. Her feet always hurt. She is aging. Her mop is bulky and difficult to use. Exasperated, the woman throws her hands in the air and her traditional product to the ground. She needs a Slice-O-Matic, a Magic Bullet, a One Touch Can Opener, a No-No Hair Remover, a MyPillow, a WalkFit, Meaningful Beauty, and a Shark Steam Pocket Mop.

The woman struggling to perform a basic task fades to the background as this revolutionary new product of the twenty-first century is introduced, superior to its conventional predecessors. It is so easy to use that even a child could operate it, blindfolded. Unlike similar products, the Slice-O-Matic is as effortless to use as a toaster, and the Magic Bullet has no confusing buttons to press or complicated manuals to read. The One Touch Can Opener is twist-free, pull-free, and struggle-free, and the No-No Hair Remover uses familiar red and blue indicator lights. Meaningful Beauty stops aging in five simple steps, ranging from cleanse to purify, and the Shark Steam Pocket Mop is operated by pushing a button three times. A beaming lady, this time filmed in color, indicates exactly how easy it is, operating this superior product painlessly and effortlessly with one or two fingers at most. Isn’t that amazing?

A colorful animation narrated by a low-voiced announcer illustrates exactly how new technology allows these Magic Open-O-Matic Miracle RemoverFits to work so effectively. The diagrams look simple but are filled with technical and scientific jargon that sound ridiculous to the uneducated ear. The Slice-O-Matic boasts a thirty point gear system to slice vegetables to perfection, while the Magic Bullet utilizes a high torque power base and a cyclonic cutting zone. Opening cans is a snap with the One Touch Can Opener’s enhanced reverse feature, and the No-No Hair Remover zaps stubble with a thermodynamic wire. Non-allergenic, cooling medical foam fills the MyPillow to ensure a good night’s sleep, and the WalkFit’s bio-lock heel cup and bacteriostatic silver technology provide advanced cushioning and shock absorption with none of the bacterial stink of ordinary inserts. Meaningful Beauty contains superoxide dismutase, coenzyme Q10, and lipoic acid to restore skin’s youthful radiance, and the Shark Steam Pocket Mop polishes all surfaces with intelligent steam control and micro-fiber pockets, often using only a kiss of steam. These baffling terms make these products and their unique patented systems sound reliable and effective. They have been clinically proven to change your life.

If the diagram isn’t enough to assert the legitimacy of these products, a doctor enters the set. Tall and commanding, he wears a white lab coat and a stethoscope and has just the right amount of grey hair. He sits down at a desk with props such as a stack of blocks or a ripened melon and sings the praises of these Magic Open-O-Matic Miracle RemoverFits, stating their miraculous medical properties as well as their obvious practical ones. The WalkFit and MyPillow can eliminate chronic pain; the Magic Bullet, One Touch Can Opener, and Slice-O-Matic can all help people lose weight and boost confidence; and Meaningful Beauty and the No-No Hair Remover can even stop time. He, too, uses technical terms to describe the alignment of cervical vertebrae and goes into detail describing the youthful properties of a rare superantioxidant-containing melon found in a remote region of France, sounding suspiciously like the earlier narration. But don’t just listen to him, listen to the testimonies of real life customers who quote the ad verbatim as they tell their uplifting stories of pain, discovery, doubt, and Slice-O-Matic.

Even one of the show’s co-hosts has a personal attachment to the Magic Bullet, Meaningful Beauty, the No-No Hair Remover, the MyPillow, or the Shark Steam Pocket Mop. Tearfully, she explains to a rapt studio audience that her life was miserable before it—she was overweight, wrinkly, sprouting hairs, suffered from insomnia, or had a messy house. Then, coincidentally, she met her co-host, who has had a passion for helping people with her exact problems since childhood. He developed the MyPillow despite adversary and worked ceaselessly until he formulated the perfect solution, which has helped her with every aspect of her life. During this tale of trial and hardship, the two flirt tactlessly with each other while interjecting scripted facts along the way, such as that the Magic Bullet can perform any task in ten seconds or less, that the Slice-O-Matic can slice a whole bag of potatoes in minutes, that No-No Hair Remover has at least 200 million customers in 50 different countries. And now they want me to join those millions of happy customers by purchasing it to improve my own life. How touching.

Before the ad has any more time to appeal to me personally, a blue border appears around it, and a fast-talking announcer tells me that this new and improved product is not available in stores, but through this exclusive television offer can be mine for the same low price of three low payments of $33.33. The screen flashes as they’ve been authorized to double their offer. Now, for only the price of shipping and handling, I can get another product, a $100 value, free, if I call within the next five minutes. But wait, there’s more! Now my purchase is risk free with a triple guarantee 60 day warranty. All I need to do is dial 1-800-555-6758. Again, that number is 1-800-555-6758. Fumbling for the phone, I read the fine print to learn that I need to be 18 or older to have my life fulfilled. I fall to my knees, doomed to two more years of dirty dishes, misalignment, low energy, sticky floors, and sliced fingers.