Experiences in My Life Represented by DnD

When I was in elementary school, I believed that self-improvements happen in an uncomplicated and direct process. I thought that committing to change is the hardest part, but the evolutionary process should come easily. However, I now realize this is not the case. My experiences changed my way of thinking; they helped me realize that progress is neither easy nor linear. Instead, it is a series of successes and failures that eventually lead to positive change. 

I nervously walked into a bustling room full of students eagerly meeting their classmates on the first day of fifth grade. I sat down in a seat, marked by a card with my name. Pungent odors from whiteboard markers filled the air. My classmates’ voices flew around my head, echoing conversations that I wish I was a part of. The air became cold as my anxiety grew.

"Hi, my name is Anthony. What’s yours?" said a brown-haired boy sitting across from me.

"I … I," I faltered momentarily as I felt redness creep up into my face. While it may not seem remarkable, this was a major moment to me, as that day, I had one goal: make new friends. 

During elementary school, I dealt with childhood apraxia of speech (AOS), a significant speech disorder. There were certain words that I stumbled over, which embarrassed me, and as a result, I rarely talked to others. My articulation improved over time, but I still struggled to communicate. Throughout elementary school, I shied away from my peers, yet I strongly desired friends with whom I could feel comfortable. I was determined to walk into middle school and make a friend on my first day.

"My name is Jacob," I responded. "Are you new here?"

"Yeah, I just started today," replied Anthony. “So what's your favorite subject in school?"

"I like science. I love learning about how things work and discovering new things." 

“That's great, I love math.” 

“Me too. What else do you like?” 

The conversation continued as we talked about school and TV shows that we liked, until Anthony asked,

“What are you doing at lunch?  Because you can sit with me if you want.” This event may have felt insignificant to some, but I was proud of myself for talking to new people. I had fought back social anxiety to make a new friend. At the end of the day, I left happy because I believed my introversion was a thing of the past.

I remember talking to my parents that night and comparing the experience to a game I occasionally played, Dungeons and Dragons. In DnD,  each character steadily progresses and is strengthened throughout the game as they level up and get better equipment. It is a linear progression from levels 1 to 20; the characters never become weaker or revert to their previous versions. I started to view my own life in this way, believing that I had just progressed to level two. Like a DnD character, I would never again return to level one, the old introverted version of myself.

I returned the following day and quickly realized that I wasn’t as socially adept as I had thought. I walked into the same class, and immediately saw Anthony again. The drab colors and the buzz of conversations flitted around me as I wondered what was going to happen. I thought that it would be easier to be social today, but inside I didn’t feel any better.

"So… what's your favorite movie?" asked Anthony. 

"I …" I felt my face becoming red, experiencing the same social anxiety that I suppressed yesterday. However, on this day, without reason it seemed to engulf me and I couldn't control it. I walked out, bowing my head in shame. In DnD terms, I had reverted to level one.

As I grew older, I began to understand that reaching my goals would not come easily. Instead of consistently upgrading straight from level one to twenty, I may move a level forward one day and backward another. 

On the other hand, I do acknowledge some may believe progress does occur linearly through life. I can understand this viewpoint as it is easy to compare where one is presently to where one was at some point previously. For example, my college self is drastically different from my fifth-grade self. During my middle and high school years, I aspired to be more assertive: I practiced conversing and socializing as much as possible by joining clubs, attending overnight camps, and engaging with new people. I became a leader of the robotics team at my school, and I participated in a percussion ensemble. In unstructured environments, I went out of my comfort zone by asking my classmates if they wanted to hang out. By the end of high school, I expressed my thoughts more freely and felt a part of my community. It is easy to see large changes in one’s mental health and believe in linear progress because people may change drastically in their lifetime. If one compared my fifth grade self to my college self they would see a new person. However, I would still argue against linear progression. 

By emphasizing the changes from fifth grade to college, one ignores the setbacks along the way. Throughout my journey, I went back and forth from being active in my community to being a loner. One particularly low moment for me was during my junior year of high school, while covid was still a main threat and everyone was stuck in quarantine. 

I remember 2020 as the year of sitting alone in a room full of familiar objects that felt drab and unchanging. As I surveyed my dark room while half-listening to my teacher on Zoom, the walls seemed to close in on me. The air felt stagnant, and food tasted stale. The internal feeling of constant loneliness kept me from reaching out to friends.I shut myself out from the world and barely communicated with anyone besides my family. This was partly due to the isolating nature of quarantine, but I also mark this as a personal setback. Throughout the year, I had the option to reach out to people online, but did not have the courage. However, after this year, I worked up the confidence to talk to people again, and my social life reached even greater heights. This setback was one of many in my progress to become more socially active, and is an example of how my progress was not always straightforward. 

Positive change will happen for those who commit themselves. However, as this progress occurs, failures and mistakes will happen. Progress is a series of positive and negative changes in one's life. DnD is not an apt analogy for personal growth because improvement is not always linear. In fact, faltering in one's journey may be essential to permanent growth.