And I lie here, the water lapping at my sides. Rough, angry music is playing. But I'm calm. I am a glacier, floating. My ears are submerged, my breathing is amplified. I contemplate how bodies are so animal, yet distinguished. What makes us human? I believe its memories. I remember everything, yet nothing all the same. The need to remember plagues me, but to remember is to hurt. They slice through me like butter. They become something, and I, nothing. I remember how It felt just like this, but it echoed so much more in that room. The pain, the fear, the sound. All magnified so you could see their pores. I would float like that, watching the ceiling. The slightest movement as loud as a child's scream. You could feel him. I always knew he was there. Evil has an easily distinguishable aura. Pitch black. With streaks of azure and violet. Smokey and muggy. I remember how the floor hurt our feet, it was jagged, biting. Yet we ran along on it anyway, the pain wasn't new to us. I remember her face. I loved her like I should have loved my sister. I would protect her. Ironic that in danger, I became a coward. I remember the shame, guilt. It was a secret game, but we knew, I knew. I was none too smart, but never stupid. I remember how he talked, he moved his hands a lot, animatedly. Then, furiously. His face, how his eyes, shapeless and colorless, turned to ice, and I would float away. To space, to anywhere. Anywhere but there. I remember being innocent, happy. I don't feel that way today. Not yesterday or tomorrow. Every turn I take I see evil, cruelty and humanity. All joined. I long to see from my childish eyes once more. I long to see only good. Suddenly upright, I open my eyes and I hear music. Hard and cold like piano keys. Like me. I guess growing up has It's disadvantages, but I cannot wish to be young again. So defenseless, so pure. So easy to break. I won't admit that I'm broken, yet there are not nearly enough lies on this earth to hide this. Would I blame that on him? Yes, but also on me. People all tell me the fault is not belonging to me. To whom then though does it belong? My world is filled with 'what if's' that I use to tear myself apart. To try to escape is like bashing my head into walls that I built. I'm not going anywhere, because I know I cannot run from myself. I dip my head back into the water. It smothers me. It masks me. Flows up my nose and into my ears. With my eyes closed tight I remember...this thing...that I want to forget more than anything.