Magnets to my heart ❤️

I got the notes on my wall of my momma saying she love me Written in cursive I can barely read, 10 years worth of faded ink on tattered paper curled edges
Still don't stop me
I got the sweet tunes of the lord coming soon every morning  
Pews far back filled with church hats
And sayings but I’m not listening to what they’re saying because
It Still doesn't change me
I got my sister on the way
Praying that this world doesn't ruin her mind
Holding onto her innocence like her mommas umbilical cord
Praying that she realizes
love is big enough
to touch all four corners of the world
Yet  it hasn't touched me

I go Back to my old ways cuz I feel safer like that
I cannot even complain there’s no time for that
Run that back
These rusting feelings that I had
Restricts me of feeling
love
My momma says she loves me
But I still feel stuck in my sleep
Sleep paralysis
This poem is my analysis
Directing my heart and all its madness
Electrodialysis
I
being the positive current
IONS
being my bad habits
Attracting to me just like magnets
Momma kisses me on the cheek
goodnight sleep tight
But it's too late
Chains around my neck hiss at me
But disguise it with a kiss
The lies
Fooled by lust
The truth faded like the apple in the mist
Heart beating at the pace of the ones that left us
Body picked and peeled like an uncontrollable game of operation
all the pain they caused me
Took me into an unrecognizable place
Don’t take a bite when you meet a serpent face to face
People look at me see my pain before they see my story
I can’t control my hands
Can’t harness my pen
Leaking poetic stains of how I’m living
I let enemies dominate  me
Look down on me
I let them think I’m small
scared
They play with my hair and tell me I’m beautiful
I still welcome them
eat with them
They drink with me
While stabbing me in the throat
Blood screaming from my veins
dissipating like my hope for this life

Can’t stop eating at the shiny red apple that tickles my wounds
I manage to teach my habits to soon escape the built-in cages of my body.

Poetry is my coping method that surrenders my temple

When I stop chasing my conclusions
And contemplate the gift of the present
I realize what's beneath my eyes
As if it was already there rising from the ground like my savior from his tomb
And I know in my heart
That my momma writes she loves me to the moon
My father writes that he loves me no matter morning night or noon

I shout to my problems and tell them “I hate you”
Tell them they're fake and unhealthy
But Still whisper to them come back to me

Like magnets to my heart