I remember the day that I really saw you.
All around me were people of black and white.
I didn’t know them. I didn’t see them.
But you saw me.
You were an artist and painted yourself seafoam green and aqua blue.
And I saw you.
You smiled because you were an ocean of color.
I told you so.
And you said, “underneath all that black and white I see a rainbow.”
I laughed and you laughed along with me.
Is this what friendship felt like?

We texted each other back and forth a couple of times and continued on with our lives.
I didn’t know that you had already started painting.
You told me so one day.
“What colors?” I asked.
“A rainbow.” You responded.
It took me a couple of days but I finally started painting too.
Red for my cheeks and sparkling yellow for my eyes.
You smiled and I smiled back.
Is this what flirting felt like?

I called you one night saying that I heard you were sick.
You assured me that you just had a cold.
“You’re still painting, right?” I asked.
“Yeah… I’m running out of ideas though.” You said.
“How about we paint together?”
And we did.
At least, for a little while.
It was fun.
The paintings were as cute as the artists.
Is this what a crush felt like?

When we painted together, we both had so much fun.
We were happy.
I saw you and you saw me.
Every day, I thought about painting.
Little by little, I was chipping away the outer layer of old black and white paint and uncovering a rainbow.
You were beautiful as your seafoam green and aqua blue self, just like your paintings.
Is this what love felt like?

Over the next few weeks, you didn’t paint as much.
I felt like I was putting in effort and you were not.
I told you so and you told me to give up.
You threw your paintbrush down and we faced each other.
I panicked and you shut down.
Then you were gone and I was left with my paint brush in my hand, alone in the studio.
I shattered into a million shards,
Some black and white but the majority of them rainbow.
I remember looking down at my heart
And seeing a seafoam green and aqua blue shard wedged in it.
My heart was bleeding out a rainbow of color.
I burned all my paintings hoping to burn away all the pain.
Is this what heartbreak felt like?

Weeks passed.
I grew tired of this distance.
I missed you and your paintings.
I missed your smile.
So I painted myself your seafoam green and aqua blue.
I told you, “no. I’m not giving up. I’ll be waiting to paint with you again.”
You painted yourself in my rainbow of colors and held my hands.
Our colors mixed and bled into each other and we sat in the studio quietly, our tears pouring down our faces.
“I still want to be your friend.” We said at the same time.
You laughed and I laughed right along with you.
I had missed that laugh.
Together we painted a new painting.
Not with paint brushes and paint but with our colors.
A seafoam green and aqua blue ocean with rainbows dancing on the waves.
I know this is what healing felt like.