Unlike the tradition in the western funerals, we do not wear black clothes.

We as Chinese people wear white clothes at the funeral.

Not only the clothes, the rooms are temporarily covered with white too.

I do not understand the use of white.

Black, to me, is more like a color of sorrow.

Childhood: 

The first time I had a concept of death was...

when my great grandmother died.

It was the first time I have seen so much white.

I went through all the funeral procedures for the first time.

But at that age surrounded by vitality and hope,

I did not know what death meant. 

Really, I really did not know.

On the way to the cemetery, I asked my mother what death is.

My mother did not give me a very poetic answer.

Her reply to me was somewhat official. 

She replied that death is because the body is no longer functioning. There was zero emotion in this answer.

But from then on, I began to fear death inexplicably.

Fear:

I am afraid of the losing my relatives.

I remember when I got home from that funeral,

I ran to my grandparents' room and cried to them.

I told them not to die.

It seemed like I am capable to control the life...

But the reality is completely opposite.

I am afraid of death itself.

I am afraid of the nihility after death.

Sometimes, I imagine that I will be in darkness forever after death.

The word "forever" scares me.

A sense of suffocation haunts my mind.

But then I realize...

I do not like immortality either.

Similarly, the idea of forever always scares me.

There is no end...

Whether it is an endless darkness,

Or it is an endless life.

The reason, I think, is that...

I will be in a predictable but unchangeable state of despair.

I can foresee the continued darkness after my death, but I can't change it.

I can foresee my immortal life, but I can't change it.

Whim:

One day when I played the Pokémon,

I defeated the final boss, and the game was over.

Later, I chose to delete all previously saved data and restart the game.

I chose a different character with different clothes, name and Pokémon to begin the journey as a completely distinct Pokémon trainer.

Suddenly, I have an idea.

Will I be like a game character?

...

After I die,

My data of “this round”of the game of life will be deleted, then I will re-enter the new game as a new character.

A thought came from nowhere...

It is possible that I may have been a butterfly before,

But after death, I became a human without previous memory of being a butterfly.

After my death,

I may become anything and experience a completely different life.

There is sure no scientific proof for this statement.

But this sudden thought strangely eliminates my fear of death.

I think the reason is that the permanence and predictability in my original concept of death have been broken.

According to my whim,

After my death,

I will not always be in the dark,

But randomly assigned to be new characters.

It sounds fun to me!

it sounds just like a self-deception.

But I am no longer afraid of death.

Color:

Now I understand that it is actually wise to choose white as the main color at the funeral.

White...

I can become a piece of white paper again.

Next, I can draw any color and present any thing on the blank space.