Then I think, was I ever as happy as I was that day

The day when I leaped into the twinkling atmosphere, the sky welcoming me with open arms, and shot down into the navy blue liquid, a cool embrace that mirrored the night’s deep hues.
The day when I walked barefoot across the obscure rocks, their jagged whispers waiting to feel the cold tingling.

Then I think, was I ever as happy as I was that day

When I could drown, soar, or float to my heart’s desire, like a bird gliding effortlessly through the air.

The day where I chose to stay afloat, not out of force but want.

The day when I swam endlessly until I lost sight of the rope to guide me back, the water cradling me with tender care.

When I could be nothing but free without the chains of the numbers below my name.

Then I think, was I ever as happy as I was that day

To feel the powdered granite below each limb, to feel the warm rays entangle my skin, to feel the aroma therapeutically engulf my mind.

To not worry about oiling my hair, to not worry about acne-prone skin, to not worry about my scarred back.

That day I yearned for the world, to travel endlessly as more than just a finite being.

That day I valued myself over anything else, I was a phoenix reborn from my burnt ashes.

Then I think, was I ever as happy as I was that day

I could harmonize with my cracked voice, I could cough with no stares, I could breathe in my feminine energy all without a care in the world.

I embodied my faith in that moment, I embodied the peace, the humanity, the naturality of the world.

I was an apsara, gliding nymph-like across the serenity of the water, I was a proud representation of my vessel.

Then I think, was I ever as happy as I was that day

To think a beautiful cavern carried that much life, to think I could assimilate myself with that ecosystem, to think that I was more than just what I produce and provide for the world.

I blurred my eyes, squinting a little, then I saw her.

She was young, with a sharp jaw and a small ovular face, she glanced directly at me.

She ran towards me, throwing her arms around me, gratefulness swamping her eyes.

Relief flooded my body, my shoulders expanded, I was anxious but light.

In that moment, realization dawned on me, and I knew who I did it all for.

It was all for her, the little girl who wanted to heal but never knew how to, the little girl who wanted her older self to comfort her, the little girl who wanted to always be happy without a care in the world.

Then I think, did I fulfill her wish to always be as happy as I was that day?

I do not think I did.

But I make a promise here and now to start embracing the desire of the little girl because she has never left, and will never leave.