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The Gospel of St. Me: The Modern Testament
Yesterday I made a cross and nailed it to my hands to match my toga sandals and thorny hair
band
I traded in my truck for a used golden calf to fit my fad
Today I rode and wore and bore them to work
My boss called me into his office
Shouted “Off limits, out of dress code, I am messiah of this domain!”
But my cross was nailed on, so remained
My coworkers rushed in yelling hissing picketing whispering “It’s the newest trend, you’d better
hop on board, my friend, or else you ain’t our friend no more.”
Seeing I was pre-crucified, he knew not what to do, so cried “Please! Spare me! Give me a pay
raise, relieve my back pains, walk my dog, and above all talk!”
I walked out not knowing what to say
My coworkers commanded me to stay
My boss got down and prayed “Rake my lawn! Cure my headaches! I’ll pedicure
and kiss your feet!”
So I took a seat, hired a gardener, and handed him an advil
My yesterday’s equals today’s disciples pre-ordered their own crosses, put mortgages on
apartments to afford down payments
They asked me how to be, I showed them how to walk, they could only hear, not see, so I talked
the walk and they copied perfectly
Judas stopped in his tracks to ask
“How can you tell us how to walk? I bet I can make you trip and fall”
An elder says “And I saw you crawl”
Another winks and confides “Besides, your feet stink”
So I say “Fine, don’t bother to walk a bit, just sit like you sat,
And won’t you stop bothering me while you’re at it?”
They block my exit, order me to sit and stay while saying “We’ll carry you, ferry you where you
desire, sire, just give us more advice, we’ll follow twice as well, oh lord, deliver us from
vices!”
So I order “Eat your greens!” then order a burger they eye hungrily while silently munching
crunchy celery
I bring the four horsemen as guest speakers and open the seven seals for show and tell
I preach Dante’s words of hell and a televangelist’s affordable heaven
They line up to take pictures with the divine, annoyed I whine “You can’t confine
me to Polaroid”
They bring a stainless steel contract made of my facts on morality but my hands are tied bleeding
and seeping pus so they force me to fingerpaint my signature in blood and rust while
chanting “One of us!”
They parade me everywhere and back on a stage on their backs two by two but contras track me
The few shrewd reckon me
Beggars beckon me
Herped mouths kiss my feet
One hundred obese beasts crowd around to plead “Feed me, preferably meat”
Teleprompter politicians put on Armani coats to be seen wringing my limp hands for votes as
they bare bleached fangs for cameras that aren’t there
The synthetic pathetics stalk neon priests guarded by plastic knights who fight for wallets over
prophets and only crusade to pillage villages, loot and raid
Pothead head-phoned tone-deaf drones lazily stone me escape my message zone out to tapes of
wicca or bop kabbalah pirated because a dollar was too big a donation to the domination
of their denomination
Some big guy far out hiding high above behind the clouds mistakes me for a marionette so
lassoes me with strings he starts pulling to make me swing about to music so far away I
can’t make out
I criticize his craftsmanship say “You need to work harder, you’re off beat, don’t jerk so hard”
but he’s so high he can’t hear me so I cut my ties to him and pull my own strings or try
but just get them all twisted and tangled up and fall
Meanwhile transvestite rhinoplastied pinnochio walks by flamboyantly proclaiming “I’m a real
guy, from wooden head to toes” and when I say “Lies!” my own nose grows
Since all deities must be wise and above that pretty I proclaim the rest of the day a day of rest so
I can hide my overlarge beak but the cageless clipped wing parrots sing “It’s a test!” and
order me to speak
So I say “In sooth, the best politicians are Lee Harvey Oswald and John Wilkes Boothe. Van
Gogh’s masterpiece was hacking off a piece of his ear and Rimbaud did his best work
after he quit writing and disappeared to run guns to wars worth fighting”
And I try to run away inside to hide my nose but find its shrunk to its normal pre-lies size
So I shout from my throne “Materialism is evil, you must atone by giving me all you own til
your bank accounts go bust and your only furniture is dust”
They hop to and fro say “yes sir” with gusto throw tax deductible checks away swipe maxed out
credit cards in my a** and say “Salvation at last” before feelings of damnation hit fast
Their wives leave them they realize their leader deceived them and as their floods of problems
come we run on my friend’s yacht one by one where they cry with fiery eyes “It’s all lies!
A ship can’t do s*** but sit or sink with no mast or sail and you fail at catching
wind”
They rail “We can’t buy a motor or lifeboat or vest since investing with interest in you now
we’re broke but we lived the rest of our lives like kings before you spoke!”
I try to say “Enlightenment has a price, there’s no win without a fight, you cannot fast and sup”
But they interrupt “Let us make your cross the mast fast before we starve or we’ll eat
your blood and body and carve your skin into the sails you failure you sinner we
need a martyr for our cause”
A pause
I think on how Homer winked with both eyes then realized then wrote that beauty’s power smote
a boy and consequently Troy
I notice those who smoked since they were lads populate the anti-smoking ads
I remember that reading Naked Lunch made me afraid to try junk
I realize that even the Nazis were aware that Hitler had dark eyes and hair
But I just say “Ok, if you must have a sacrifice take away my golden calf,
Anyway it’s out of gas, hurts my a**, and don’t move too fast”
Then I split quick before they can think poke holes in their boats so they’ll sink not follow my
corrupt ideas borrowed from other inept leaders
Tomorrow I think a white collar suit and tie will fly better than a doomed savior costume so I
toss my cross across my room and take out my bleached button down straightjacket and
black silk noose
Anyway, I’d rather be comfortable than fashionable any day
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