Dear God,
Why do I have mental breakdowns before I shower?
Why do I turn the water on full blast,
And collapse onto my blue and white mat,
And look at myself in the mirror
Thinking how ugly I look when I cry?
Why do I depend on people to get me through the day?
Why can’t I wake up knowing that today will be a good day
Because I want it to be?
Dear God,
Why do I pick friends who tear me down?
Why can’t I be with people who appreciate me?
Why am I pretending every moment?
Why do I have to?
How do I even do it?
Dear God,
Why don’t I think I’m pretty?
Why do I hate my personality?
Is it because of the way I’m treated?
Is it because I never hear it?
And I never say it?
And I never believe it?
Dear God,
Why do I count the minutes ‘til class is over?
Why do I count the hours ‘til the day is over?
Why do I count the months ‘til the year is over?
Do I not realize that
The clock will soon stop ticking?
That someday I won’t be able to count?
How can I stand to watch it all go by
And wish it would go faster?
Dear God,
Why’d You make such bad people in the world?
Are they teaching me a lesson?
Or do I need to learn that not everything revolves around me?
Should I just wait?
Wait for things to be better?
Wait to be happy?
Wait for my cheeks to feel normal when I smile?
Dear God,
Why are people never happy with their hair?
Why do people get liposuctions?
Why do they take pills to feel fake?
Why do people hate?
Why do they kill their friends?
Why do they kill themselves?
Is it because they live in this world?
This suffocating, intoxicating, devastating world?
Dear God,
Will you tell me that it will get better?
Will you tell me that I can get out of bed in the morning?
Will you tell me that I can stop counting?
Dear God,
Will you explain to me why I’m even asking You questions?
And why I have to capitalize all pronouns that relate to You?
To this figure, being, wonder, thing that allowed the Holocaust?
That allows homicides and natural disasters and rape and hate?
How can we live with ourselves?
Dear God,
How has it come to this?
Talking to, pouring out my entire heart,
Asking questions that I know will never be answered
Because I’ve never had a reason to believe they would be?
Why am I talking to You
When I know You don’t even exist
Because You’ve never given me a reason to believe You do.