This is the night I
Stay up till four
Reading Sylvia Plath

And vomiting as quietly as I can
Flushing stars and pinpricks
Down the toilet

And missing you more passionately
More intensely
Than I ever have

Because your edges are still
Hovering in this blanket
And it’s far too warm to throw off and away

I love you too much or too little
I keep you in the skin on my wrist
“No, no, not tonight”

Because you’re here
Even as you’re not here
You’re out, living your life

And here I am,
Quivering on the floor of the shower,
Breath melting down my cheeks

Imagining blood swirling down the drain.
How I envy you
Your ability to be okay

To not have days when you’re simply
Incapacitated by the MUCHNESS of life
To go get pizza without me

Go see that movie without me
The one you’d promised you’d take me to
I don’t even care that much about movies

I sometimes wish I didn’t need you so
But I’ve grown into you
Digging my roots in between your fingers

So that I couldn’t live without you
And like some awful parasite,
I cling

And here I am
Stars and pinpricks scattered around my bed
Texting you every hour

“You there?”
“You awake?”