You wear vans
In the dead of winter
Through sleet and snow
Those canvas kicks
Damp and ragged
From years of treacherous walks
In damp grass
And the rainy wood
Across from your house

Your hair
Has never stayed one color
For more than a few feeble months
Brown, red
Purple, blue
Black and blonde
My favorite was black

Your eyes burn
The way you stare now
When you see me
And I don’t
I hope your heart convulses
At the memories
The times we spent together
I hope you have nightmares
Of each time I thought of
Holding a blade to my wrist
Because of you…

I hope when I pass you by
You smell my perfume
The dainty lace
That wraps me in the love
You never gave me
I hope the fumes make you sick with guilt
And you can no longer take it

I hope when you see me cry
You remember
The way your fingers left impressions
On my arms
The way my ribs turned yellow
With every visit to that dark basement
I hope you remember the sound
My skull made as it hit your floor
I hope the sound radiates in your mind
I hope when you close your eyes
You see my lip body on the ground
I hope you feel like a monster
Because that is what you have become
Darling this is what you are
A criminal
A beast

When you see me smile
Stop and think
You are not the reason
Behind this Cheshire grin
Feel your heart beat slowly
As you think I have forgotten
But I haven’t
I will look at you
And smile
A smile so perfect
It could only be meant for you
A smile saved
At the corners of my lips
Waiting for the right moment

You will feel a pang in your gut
The same feeling I get
Every moment of every day
a sadness so deep
So instinct
You cannot live without it

I want to watch your Vans fall apart
With every step you take
I want your rips to turn yellow
I want your arms to bear
My fingerprints
I want you to file away
A deep furrowed frown
I want to play
The monster now