Who Am I and Who I was, I said
A new Creation I said, Tell if I’m so new then why in the f*** am I still pretending
(I’m sorry such words are forbidden for those who have chosen to follow the great I am.)
But I don’t want to tell you everything’s alright
Because I know every second I want to take my life.

I am a leader in the church, a servant of the most high.
I used to think that God was the only thing I needed to feel alive and even now I know that thought was right.
I was a name brand christian and I was happy even though the world didn’t embrace it
I went through discipleship and went to all the church activities and missionary outings.

Sooner or later my old life that I tried so long to hide
Found me again in my state of loneliness in all of my pride
I felt it’s shadow kiss me on the lips and that was it
I was hooked on the momentary bliss

I am sorry that I walked away, but I’ve just been searching so long for a day without pain
You keep saying that day is on it’s way, but I’m so worn out and I don’t want to wait
So I search for remedies, and I find solutions but they're only temporary none are fulfilling
The truth is I feel guilty, I feel broken, I feel empty

The only thing that stops me from cutting is the wounds
I’d rather die than deal with another bad feeling, another bad mood
I’ve been redeemed, I’ve been set free yet there are still monsters in my dreams
And they don’t go away, no matter how much I cry, or how much I pray
WHERE IS THE BRIGHTER DAY! TELL ME! TELL ME!

Oh my God! look what I’ve become
Lord take me back to the days when your name was all I needed to get me through the day
Lord I need you and I’m tired of living this way, I’m tired of living in my own shame
I don’t feel your love so I’m searching for it in all the world’s drugs

On my body I see scars and I remember all the times I almost fell apart
A wound is different from a scar, wounds hurt and bring on pain
A scar is but a memory of wounds of that have healed, a blood stain that calmed the storm in its rage
But among my scars there still are wounds that haven’t healed, wounds that are strong, wounds that kill
I layer my body with large clothing to hide the fact that I’m slowly dying inside

You tell me to stop hiding, well fine!
I’m done hiding, but I don’t know what you want from me now that I’m in the light
I’m sorry my poetry is ugly and losing it’s pattern
So tell me you still love me and that I still matter
I know without you I’m broken and shattered
Lord I need to know that I still matter