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The Silence
August 24, 2015
Silence.
It's all around us.
It just consumes us.
It's so thick that you
could cut it with a knife.
we don't read our notes.
Everyday we sit there,
but that's not enough for me.
And in our eyes we both can see,
the silence all around us
need not be.
It's all around us.
It just consumes us.
It's so thick that you
could cut it with a knife.
The first kids in the classroom,
always the last to leave.
And everyday we sit there,
we sit there, him and me.
we don't read our notes.
Everyday we sit there,
but that's not enough for me.
One day as we wait,
and let the silence take us,
I can't take it anymore:
this silence all around us.
And in our eyes we both can see,
the silence all around us
need not be.
© Bianca C., Phoenix, AZ
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION
This article has 10 comments.
ThisEmilyDa1 SILVER said...
on Oct. 28 2015 at 12:15 am
Aww...thanks you for your nice comment, made my day. God bless you too, I'm still trying to improve cause poetry doesn't come that easy to me, but your comment was encouraging.
ThisEmilyDa1 SILVER said...
on Oct. 28 2015 at 12:14 am
Thanks, you too baby snickers!
writer-violist DIAMOND said...
on Oct. 27 2015 at 12:07 pm
Wow! Great job! I really like the part where you say that the silence is so thick that you could cut it with a knife. That is very well used imagery and all the other imagery in the piece. Great job! The rthythm really flows and I suggest that you don't change it. Very good job! Please keep writing! God bless!
BabySnickers15 SILVER said...
on Oct. 27 2015 at 10:01 am
I love it. You are amazing.
ThisEmilyDa1 SILVER said...
on Oct. 15 2015 at 9:44 am
Thanks for your advice @guard-girl, I'm still learning. :)
guard-girl GOLD said...
on Sep. 15 2015 at 9:14 am
You seem to use commas a little too much, but it works for the format. I really did like it! It was well written, and the overall message is sweet and thought-provoking
ThisEmilyDa1 SILVER said...
on Sep. 5 2015 at 10:45 am
Thanks. If my computer will let me watch it right now ( it needs some more software) then I'll comment. :)
HammadWaseem said...
on Sep. 5 2015 at 3:46 am
Thats great @thisEmilyda1 btw will you check, rate and comment on my teen ink video named,"The Unbeatable Breakdancer"?
ThisEmilyDa1 SILVER said...
on Sep. 2 2015 at 7:00 pm
Thank you so much for all of your advice on my work, it really does help a lot. I left a comment for your fiction Piece. Your writing is great.
Nice! I like it! I think the rhyming sections do work really well, and I like the final line a lot. My two suggestions would be to break the poem into clearer stanzas and to extend the rhyme scheme throughout the poem. Basically, I'd like to see the first line stand alone, and then "could cut it with a knife" to also end with me, as in perhaps, "it slowly chokes me," or to have its own rhyme with the line "It just consumes us" in order to give the poem a more cohesive feel. Basically, if you change that line a little, then you'll have a strong opening line, two longer stanzas that match, and a final, shorter stanza to pack a punch. I think that would make it easier for us to read your message. Besides the formatting, though, I love the little story you tell and the words with which you tell it. I'd love to see more pieces like this. :)
I hope that the punctuation in this poem was better than my others. I think I'm better at the rythem of the poem, at least this one, but I don't think I'm there quite yet. please let me know what you think in the comments and any advice you have, I need it. Thanks.