I wish love didn’t have to wreck us.
I wish it didn’t latch on to a part of our heart for the rest of our lives.
Why is it that we always fall for the wrong person, or at the wrong time?
Sometimes I wish I never had met you.
Seeing you, hearing your voice in stupid videos I see online. Thinking about the past.
You changed so much.
You’re so different and I know you’re worth nothing to me now. But I miss the old you.
The old us.
We were so big. Even though I think we were doomed from the start, I wish things could have been different.
I miss the old you. The old us.
Now it’s like you’re a ghost. You show up at the worst times and make me miss when I felt so alive. But I know it’s partly a lie, because so much was wrong with us.
We were so BIG. And our love destroyed every part of me.
It’s stupid to try to romanticize all the s*** we went through.
But I know it wasn’t all bad. You showed me so much love. You showed me a whole new world.
Something untouchable and beautiful.
I wish I could go back to that. Those feelings.

Then, someone new catches my eye. And it’s like yeah-
Let’s kiss. Let’s learn each other’s bodies.
Let’s build a wall of tension and break it down with lips and tongues and fingertips grazing skin.
It’s just for fun.
We aren’t going to entertain emotions. It’s not even plausible.
But bam I’m back at it. Falling for the wrong person at the wrong time.
This doesn’t work. I know.
You don’t work.
You’re a broken record, I see it.
But I hear through the static, those skips.
I still hear the music. It’s beautiful.
You’re beautiful and you don’t know it. You’re throwing away everything you could be.
Do you even see that? Do you recognize your wasted potential?
Burying yourself beneath layers of fronts and behaviors all for what?
You have so much potential.
It’s sad because I think we do too. But it won’t happen because the system is flawed. And we are too.

***

You know, people show up when you least expect them to. And they seem perfect.
You seem perfect even though you’re flawed and you’re cracked.
It’s crazy to think you showed up after months.
I remember meeting you. I remember something.
A feeling.
But it wasn’t the right time, and for once it didn’t happen.
But now you’re back.
Is now supposed to be the right time? And why the hell does nothing feel right?
Why are all of my demons holding me back?
And why do I feel like if we try to make something happen it won’t.
Now doesn’t feel like the right time. And for some reason you don’t feel like the right person.
But how could I not look into this?
People you thought about don’t just show up again.
They aren’t perfect matches with open hearts and open minds.
This doesn’t happen without a reason.
Now I’m scared I’ll crack you even more. I don’t want to be another flaw for you.
I always break the things I touch. Or maybe I don’t.
Maybe I just think too much.
I know I do. I’ve been hurt. I don’t want to be the one that hurts someone else.
I don’t want to get hurt again either.
Maybe everything will work out just fine. But based on past feelings it’s never that easy.
Love isn’t easy.
It’s scary and brutal.
But it’s beautiful too.

I just want that beauty back.
I want the colors and the shapes and the patterns.
I want the explosions and the noise. The quiet, too.
The vines overgrowing.
The bubbling.
The tingling.
The dizziness.
I want it all back.
That life, that rush.
But it’s never that easy.
Is it?