When I was in eighth grade I could do the math, I could look at a number line and see the path to an answer between one and two. I knew all about angles, how one line going through another was an intersection, like calculating a traffic light without the interjection of thoughts feelings black and white high ceilings I never tried to fly a kite inside but maybe I was just dealing with the fact that some things just don’t add up the way that they’re supposed to.

In eighth grade, things didn’t add up like they’re supposed to.

That summer was blue skies, sitting on the porch watching fireflies dance on the stars as we realized that putting fire in jars will only put it out. But this was no love letter to lost time, no invitation to ponder words that rhyme, cause they wander and they make no sense. I didn’t hold my breath in suspense I made a decision to cross lines, I could defy logic, could defeat the stop signs between me and where I needed to be if the land mines in my path could be discovered like the answer between one and two.

I became a number: 125, is that centimeters tall, is that some room that you arrive at when you’re walking down the hall between right now and yesterday, some store at the mall where you find music to play to distract yourself from a sky that’s grey, I haven’t eaten anything today so don’t say you’ll call me cause I’m here but I won’t pick up. I feel like I might throw up, and I know I will.

My doctor didn’t notice anything, so at 112 I was happy just dancing along to the song that I sing now in good spirits because I feel so much lighter. I was as expert, now, a disciplined master, because the trick in the trademark of how to go faster is to shake off the shadows from our bones. While you’re comparing skin tones I’m the philosopher in the scientist sayin’ its gravity that gets you down.

106, We think there’s an issue with 106, something wrong, would you like a tissue 106, I am strong Bud I really wish you’d 106 give us something to rely on I don’t want a rag to cry on I just want to see you fix my precious child.

I smiled at the alarms going off in their heads and the hours spent lying awake in their beds at night gave me no consolation I was too far gone with each blank sensation I had nothing left to walk on but I was floating on air, and I didn’t care, so I carried on.

Everything is so cold, like nightfall in winter that comes without a star and I sit outside staring at the fireflies in my jar, but the fire is dead. Some water, fruit, a piece of bread to feed the phantom in my head, as all the blood I’ve bled out into this disgusting nightmare dries, and I stare at the ceiling with tears in my eyes as I realize I’m not winning, there’s no need to pretend. This is just the beginning but I’m dying to end, from a friend to a friend will you please just let me stop.

102 is as far as I got the scale to drop and I was sent to an institution playing good cop bad cop in my mind where the only solution I could find was to open my eyes and see reality for the first time. I met amazing people, who deserve much more than a rhyme. I came out of that place with a new perspective, the courage to look myself in the face and accept that with God’s grace I am me, I am exactly who he wanted me to be. And to my friends and family who love me unconditionally thank you for giving me more than enough to make up for what I lost

So as I said, sometimes things just don’t add up like they’re supposed to, but that’s okay because life is a variable, limits changing everyday, and since this is just the beginning it’s a shame to have to say goodbye. But I’ve got to go. Because somewhere, I know, there’s a firefly.