Attention, all females! Are you tired of getting your heart broken? Are you tired of feeling like you’re not good enough for him? Have you had enough of him playing with your feelings? Well, now the FDA has come out with a new drug called the EmoNoNo. The EmoNoNo is a wonderful bite sized pill that will help you solve all your troubles. With just one tablet, you can turn off your emotions for a full 48 hours. Wouldn’t that be great? Then you wouldn’t have to care when you catch your significant other in bed with your “best friend,” and you wouldn’t feel bad when you finally tell off your mother-in-law. In some cases, you can feed your boyfriend or husband the pill- though 3 out of 10 doctors do not recommend it- and you can rewire him. You can teach him to match his socks or to finally put the toilet seat down. You can also make him accept you for who you are, so you do not have to worry about your looks or weight unless you want to. If you try both of these methods, and you are still not satisfied with your relationship, there is one last option that you have: you drop the no-good guy, go to the doctors, and become a lesbian. Oh, that doesn’t sound appealing? Well, you should try anything once. And do not worry; the effects are completely reversible… we hope. Doctors have not tested the reverse program, but we are so sure that it’s alterable.
Turning off your emotions sounds so wonderful, doesn’t it? Once this little tablet is ingested, the compound of chemicals will work its way through your bloodstream to your brain. Oh, you didn’t think your emotions came from your heart, did you? Of course, they don’t; that’s just not logical. Once it reaches your brain, it will access your subconscious mind and set up barriers to prevent the cells there from reproducing the necessary emotions. This can be very helpful because when something bad happens, you won’t have to live through the trauma. Also, emotions affect the lives of others and your own. Anger, jealousy, rage, and careless wanton behavior have destroyed many relationships and careers; just like being exhilarated, satisfied, prideful and hopeful had crushed so many lives.
Even though 3 out of 10 doctors do not recommend it (but these three doctors are male, so that explains a lot), there is the option of feeding your significant other the pill. The EmoNoNo has a different effect on men than it does on women. As I already stated, when a woman takes the pill, her feelings get turned off (score!); but when a man takes it, his nervous and control systems starts to shut down so that a woman can quickly, easily, and efficiently rewire the man's mind (double score!). This works very well for women because we can finally train them to be the man that we want. These men will finally pick up their dirty laundry, put the toilet seat down, help around the house, and tell us we look nice. Also, we can get them to fetch our items, like our purse, groceries, or the child from daycare. Feed, train, fetch- yes, I’m comparing these guys to dogs because they are dogs. Woof.
In extreme cases where the EmoNoNo doesn’t work on barricading your emotions, or when your man is too trained (is that even possible?), there is one last solution available. In cases as such, one trip to your local Emologist will solve this little problem. An Emologist will insert a patch onto your brain where your subconscious mind is located. This patch will send artificial impulses into the brain, destroying the ability for that part of the mind to create the hormones needed for emotions. The patch will activate when you think about a man in an intimate or emotional manner. In other words, the patch will constantly shock you with large amounts of electricity over and over until you learn to love a man no longer. Due to short circuiting, the electricity is capable of killing, so you must adapt quickly. But besides the large chance of death, doesn’t that sound like a perfect solution? You will no longer have to worry about boys and their games. Of course, if you realize that you just can’t become involved romantically or emotionally with a female, Emologists are trained to remove the patch from your mind. This could render you into a coma, mentally or physically disabled, or even cause death. But these doctors are professionals. I doubt that would even come close to happening.
The only problem with the EmoNoNo tablet is some of the side effects, but even, then it’s not that horrific. The side effects of the pill are massive diarrhea, social exclusion, cranial melting, and the loss of humanity. None of those is really that bad. Diarrhea? Just wear a diaper. Social exclusion? There are media sites made for people to interact with others. Cranial melting? Well, that wouldn’t be good. Loss of humanity? That’s not all that good, but look at the bright side. You would no longer care about the men or women you were in a relationship with. The possibilities of things you can do without humanity is endless. You can finally walk by a homeless person and not give him money. Or you can finally turn off life support on your grandmother, so she doesn’t keep wasting your money. The side effects have an itty bitty teeny tiny small chance of happening, not even 200% chance out of 250%. Everything would be fine.
Well now. Are you ready to get this show on the road? Let’s turn off our emotions, rewire our boyfriends, and/or become a lesbian. The effects aren’t that bad and you might finally be happy. Boys will be boys, but women shall rule the Earth. The EmoNoNo is an exciting new drug that is bound to change your life. Buy a box of 12 for just six low payments of $125. Take your chance. What’s the worst that can happen?