How do I explain this?

It’s as if you’re floating. Head spinning, mind racing. Just pure adrenaline every moment of every single day, non-stop when they look at your face. Glimpses of their adoration at every corner, standing there and reassuring you that they’ll never leave.

They told us, first loves would never be your only love. Suffered through all those ones that brought endless pain. Keening with insecurities as they ate away at the purity you carried. Giving them all the hope that you could create as they brushed it away letting it drop, as if it were nothing more than a small speck of dust. They’d ignore every possible attempt of showing your love for them while you were oblivious to the torment they were able to create in just a few simple words.

I love you just became a phrase you’d heard in movies. You’d recite it over and over again as if you yourself were in the place of the actors. No actual meaning behind what you’re saying yet you’re sat there dreaming of the day you might actually feel this way. Living vicariously through the surrounding happiness, you seem to forget about the emptiness within until you’re startled awake in the early morning having no one there to hold.

It was said multiple times by those friends who’d always lie, that young love could never prosper. How one can be too young to understand what it’s actually like to smile and want someone in your life. Picking off the flower petals was always seen as hopeless, yet you started picking off the petals of each relationship you fell into. One by one you’d see who was worth and who wasn’t. At times, you thought you had actually found the one until the stem broke and your flower started dying.

It was as if you were just doomed to be in the place of insecurities and needs for malnourishment. Thinking that perhaps when you destroyed the one thing that grabbed attention, the attention you desired so much would finally be given. Yet all you got were people stepping away. Funny how you were one to love the fibs of pushing people away, thinking that it was the only possible way one person could ever truly grasp and hold you. Yet you’ve played that game so many times with so many people, numbness was what you felt when you said goodbye and they didn’t reply.

So many goddamn fights and too many sleepless nights. The pills you’d take would make you sing but the diamond ring they oh so desired became nothing but materialistic trash on the top of the murderous wedding cake. Thinking about all those lonely old people who never found the ones and all you wished for when you just listlessly blew out the candles was a single companion who doesn’t even have to do anything big, just love you. Even if it’s only part of the love.

And yet, just yet, when the sun finally peeked through the imaginary clouds, it seems as if you’re reborn. When those out of body experiences are found in the textbook signs you smile at life. That dreamlike mood that seems to always be present calms the doubts that still creep up, making even someone with a thick skin cry when they’re alone in their duvet cover. Even when alone at night there still seems to be the presence of light as you close your eyes and that’s when you realize it.

You have stopped feeling so alone.

Closing you’re eyes stopped sending fear into your body. So copacetic and sane when playing midnight games with that special someone. That one person that seemed to cleanse your mind the moment their eyes met yours. Yet how can you be so foolish to fall in love when you know that nothing but false judgments seem to always be passed when they ask if you’re okay.

You know it hasn’t been like this before. Those single moments that you share that make you cry, yet the tears no longer stand for the lonely thoughts you have nourished for so long, they represented joy, the pure and undeniable feeling of joy that seemed to be nothing but a myth to a person like yourself. It all just became, better.

Warmth in-between each embrace shared, the rush, the jolt, something that had been lost by the days seemed to be so vivid even after the months of never being apart. A smile that was purely forced grew each and every single day until there was no real reason to fake. Happiness, it was called happiness. All the songs you utterly found disgust in grew on you until they were repeated constantly in your head.

It’s just so pure, desirable and reachable. Too good to be true, yet that single doubt that would always be nagging seemed to finally move out of your mind, the new tenant filling all those moldy cracks and beat up stereo with urban furniture and bright blue walls. Renovated and finally presentable, yet when you look closely enough, it’s the same person it has always been, just hidden away until the right moment had arrived.

Those old friends who were never there don’t belong in the recovery. Memories stay as that, even then, there was never any looking back. Hands tightly intertwined with each other as if there was just some small glimmer of that lousy destiny saying yes, we were made to be. You can’t believe that you actually begin to believe in all those tales that are as old as time can be measured. Besides most objections by the surroundings, the ones that have been so desperately searching seem to no longer be worrying. Silence has always been an issue, yet babble quit being repetitive.

Some people see it as if you’ve finally found a way to silence the demons yet the demons were never bad, just alone. They’ve found a home in the arms of another; satisfaction finally being placed while sadness began to slip away from their sleepy faces. The peacefulness of their dreams finally allowed them to regain the years of calm they always deserved.

It’s always difficult to admit things aloud, so when the rhythm is present as you glide your body to the beat of the wind, words slip off your tongue while barriers begin to fall. A song like the blue jays with the view of a raven brought the peace back into the world, perhaps it won’t always be the same, and yet denying the need will never change a thing.

This is for you, and only you will do. There has never been a day when we’ve never been in a mood to say ‘I love you’. Yes it may almost never be said, but when those eyes linger on every inch of the body, it doesn’t have to be.

Even when it seems like you no longer want the affection, you'll still get it. Perhaps it won't be as constant but you won't go a day without at least a 'hi', just do you know you aren't forgotten. Since it hurts when your mind eats away at your sanity saying that once again, you're alone, but you aren't. Not anymore.

Yes you may still be jaded, but that’s okay. We’ll make it farther than we could ever believe, pinky promise.

Love,
The one that knows
that you’re the one…