Tears stream down my face as the sadness enters my soul. There's a gaping whole in my heart that is filling with volumes of inexplicable pain where you used to be. I glanced at my phone again which rested uneasily between my two shaking hands. 

“This has to end. It’s not either of our faults,” the text read, “please please please don’t take any of this the wrong way. Don’t blame yourself.”

I pulled the phone closer to reread the last sentence again as a tear streamed down my cheek. 

Don’t blame yourself. 

My head was pounding, my heart was racing, and yet, I couldn’t seem to move. I was frozen in place, sitting cross legged on my bed. It was almost as if I was in shock. Placed there with my homework and books surrounding me in unorganized piles, I couldn’t believe this was happening. Time had frozen. 

Don’t blame yourself. 

I turned around and glanced at my clock which read 9:32 pm. I had to do my homework. I had a full day of school tomorrow, but I couldn’t think or breathe - much less work. 

Don’t blame yourself. 

Suddenly, there was a knock at my door and my mom walked in with a basket full of laundry and set it on my floor gently. I looked at her as she stood up and she locked eyes with me. Immediately, she knew I was upset. 

“What’s wrong?” she asked as her brows furrow and she moves to sit next to me on my bed. 

I looked at her and barely squeaked out the words, “He ended it.” 

It was the first time I had said it aloud. The pain hit me in the gut and I began to uncontrollably sob. My shoulders shook and my face became soaked with tears. My mom grabbed me tightly and pulled me in for a hug.

“I’m so sorry bug,” she said as she rubbed my back and held me patiently, “I know it hurts right now, but I promise the pain will pass.”

“When?” I asked. 

“It will take a while, but eventually everything will become a memory. And if you are truly meant to be, your paths will cross again,” she said

I sat back and gave her a look of confusion as tears continued to stream down my face. “How would you know?” I ask. 

“Your dad and I must have broken up at least 10 times over the 7 years we dated,” she said, “There’s usually more going on in their head than you would think or understand right now. The most important thing though, is if he decides to come back and apologize and explain himself. Those who are truly meant to be can overcome the hardships because life is not easy.”

I nodded my head with what she was saying, but I didn’t agree. I let out a deep, shaky sigh as a leaned back away from the hug. My mom lightly tucked my hair behind my ear and gave a slight smile. 

“I know it hurts now, but you’ll make it through I promise.”

Yet again, I nodded, but a steady stream of tears still poured down my face. All I could think about was that he was gone. The wind was knocked out of me, everything was simply so unexpected. Just a day before we had celebrated our one month anniversary. I still remember his long text and his gift: a plush, white fluffy bear with a black and red striped scarf draped around the neck. Just a day before, he was telling me how much he meant to him. Just a day before, we were making plans to see eachother again. 

Instead of all this though, I looked up with tears in my eyes and said, “Thank you mom, that means a lot.”

She nodded and left so that I could get ready for bed. I uneasily swung my legs out from underneath me and felt the cold wood meet the balls of my feet that mimicked the cold emotions I felt in my heart. I stood up, shaky and uneasy in my core. I walked to the bathroom where I began to get ready for bed. 

As I was brushing my teeth though, I paused as I glanced up in the mirror. I didn’t recognize the reflection before me. There stood a girl with pain in her eyes. My hair was ratty and looked as though it had barely been brushed. A silk light blue scrunchie was knotted into the bottom of what appeared to be a bun that rested on my shoulder. My cheekbones were deflated and pale and no longer filled with the smiles and laughter just hours before. It looked as though life had been sucked from my soul. My eyes were glassy and red around the edges. You could see the pain reflected through them. I closed my eyes again and felt a single tear escape down the side of my face as I continued to get ready for bed. 

Once I was finally finished, and had wished my parents goodnight, I climbed into bed. Pulling up my white comforter I gently slid my legs inside and rested my head on the pillow. 

Immediately, I was hit with thoughts. Millions and millions of thoughts. I couldn’t even comprehend most of them. I got a quick glimpse of my clock which read 11:42 and then proceeded to look at my ceiling in the darkness. I sat there for a while as the thoughts swirled and my throat began to close. The tears still continued as I again looked at the clock which now read 12:22. I knew how I felt, I just didn’t know how to say it or what to do about it. I glanced at my clock again. It read 1:56. 

Finally, I sat up and leaned over to my nightstand. There rested my light purple airpods case which held the key to my survival: music. I quickly grabbed the silicon case and used my thumb to pop open the lid and slide one airpod into my ear. I opened my phone and saw the new song, “Driver’s License,” by Olivia Rodrigo. I had listened to it once, but at the time it meant nothing. 

Nevertheless, I hit play as the sounds of a car door opening entered my ears. I set my phone back down and laid my head against the pillow. In silence I listened to the song through, just once. I sat in shock after it was over, but after 5 minutes I swiftly sat up and began to play it again. After a while, I put the song on repeat because of how much it meant to me - how much it felt like me. 

By about the 10th time of listening to the song, the chorus was firmly planted in my brain and I hiccuped out the words as I sobbed into my pillow.

“I know we weren’t perfect-” I let out a sob, “but I’ve never felt this way… for no one”

I continued to cry into my pillow as the chords rang through my ears. Finally, the last line hit. 

“You said forever now I drive alone past your street.”

Shaking, I covered my face with my hands as that line hit me yet again. Forever. A thing that he had also promised. Never in my life had a song resonated with me more than this moment. Never in my life had a song meant so much to me. It reminded me of everything we had and everything we had lost. That song was helping me to understand every emotion that roamed within my adolescent mind. Everything had been so perfect…

I was shook awake by the noise of my phone playing a familiar wake up call. I opened my eyes and saw the sunlight gleaming in through the window. My brain began to slowly register my surroundings. For an instant, I did not remember the pain that rested in my belly. I sat up and realized yet again the absence of one of the most important people in my life, and the pain hit. The tears from the night before had dried into a sheet of foam like texture on my cheeks that were now being coated by yet another round of tears. 

I went through the motions of my morning, not caring about my appearance or the objects that I was grabbing. I went to the bathroom yet again, to brush my teeth. This time though, I looked in my reflection and saw a new girl. The heartache was still plastered on my face, and yet still there was a new layer that had emerged. My eyes were still red around the edges with pain, but my eyes were filled with a new tone. Hope. Hope for the strength within me to overcome this pain that lay before me.