8th grade is when I claimed him as my best friend. 9th grade he was helping me babysit and asked me out with a riddle. Then underneath the bleachers we had our first kiss. Seven months later we had our first argument because he said he loved his ex. 10th grade I lost my best friend/boyfriend. 11th grade we’re putting the pieces back together but are having a miner set back. His current girlfriend wants me out of the picture. She thinks that we still love each other. And she’s not exactly wrong. A few weeks ago I got him to admit he missed me and I told him the same. I know it’s wrong to be like that and I don’t want to be all the things she says I am so I told him so. That was until she sent a text to me pretending to be him.
“Delete my number and never talk to me again. Don’t reply or ask questions.” I got angry knowing it was her, so I called her out on it.
“Bull**** Cassie.” No reply. I didn’t expect one though. I called him later asking him what had happened. After he was done explaining I knew we needed to talk it out, so we met up at the nearest park.

About an hour had passed of talking but nothing was solved. Nothing could really be said to fix this. It was obviously one or the other and he couldn’t have us both. I convinced him to come stay with me at our friends’ house so we could continue to talk. That night some things had changed. I promised him a back massage to try and help him relax which he did, but unfortunately to the point that he fell asleep. I left the room to talk to another friend staying with us. We went to one of the cars and talked for hours.
“Tonight I realized how much I missed him, Tyler.” I confessed, “I still love Tony.”
“I’m sorry I don’t know what to tell you…”

More was said in that car, more than expected. That’s a whole other story though. The point is I wasn’t any closer to figuring out this hindrance. I went inside and had lied down for the night, however, I didn’t sleep. Tyler laid down beside me and eventually we dozed off together. He was being sweet but he wasn’t the person I wanted to fall asleep next to.

I woke up early and found the need to go lay next to Tony in the bed. I got the courage to do so and tip toed my way there. Tony was slightly awake when I entered through the door. I gave him a smile and went to lie next to him. My luck ran short that morning because not an hour later did my dad say he was on his way to pick me up.
“I have to leave,” I whispered to him.
“No you don’t, lay with me.” Was he just tired or did he actually mean it?
“I wish I could but I have to leave…” Sadness in my voice; pure sadness.

Right after I left I received a text saying “Come back and lay with me.”

Those texts continued for days. “Come lay with me again”, “I missed that.”, and “Come fall asleep with me and don’t leave me this time” ‘Don’t leave me this time’ I read that over and over. ‘Don’t leave me this time’. “I wish I could…” not much else could be said. The only thing really stopping me from doing so was his girlfriend. I didn’t want to be all the horrible things she said I was. I’m not that kind of girl.

So why am I laying here, in the dark, on his bed, with him sitting on me rubbing my back sharing our feelings with each other? Why am I letting him tell me that he misses me more than ever? Why am I letting him convince me the same…? Why did I let us get into a frosting fight like we used to and ending up only inches away from his face? This feels like a memory game to me. We talk about the past and how we miss it, but we don’t act upon it. Tomorrow we’ll forget this even happened and continue to build our friendship back up into what is a somewhat lie. But right now… this very moment it’s all the truth between us. I haven’t heard a single lie from his lips nor has one left mine. I haven’t been this honest in a while; it’s scary.

I just asked him what he’s thinking. He continued to rub my back but this time from my arms, along my side, feeling the movement of my body. I couldn’t help but smile. He did it again before he said me.
“What about me?” I asked.
He tried to change the subject, “What are you thinking?”
“No what about me?” I laughed out, “I’ll tell you if you tell me.” But I can’t tell him that I want to kiss him. He has a girlfriend who already hates my guts and says I’m a wh***. I don’t want to prove her right!
“I just miss you. I miss days like this with just talking and laughing and food fights. I think it’s safe to say I still like you…”
Now how can I not kiss him?
“…I remember how I asked you out,” He continued, “You were babysitting your neighbor’s twins. We were wrestling around with them and I wrote down a secret message saying ‘will you go out with me’”
I smiled bigger.” I remember that! That seems so long ago.”
He let out a laughed,” Yah, freshmen year.”
‘Wow that really was long ago’ I thought to myself.
“Then we had our first kiss under the bleachers. I was still my shy ol’ self and you were just like ‘Hey Tony come here’ and you just kissed me out of nowhere. I remember feeling so happy and I knew I wanted to be with you.” His voice drifted off and his hands rested on my lower back. For a moment we were silent taking in all of what was said. I knew it was my turn to tell him what I was thinking. And a second later he asked.
“Well I was wondering…” I paused.
“What?” he asked while starting to rub my back again.
“Well do you ever have fun like this with your girlfriend?”
“We used to, for about the first three months but then she just got controlling and mean.”
“How long have you been dating?”
“Almost seven months” he sighed.
“Wow…” I was in a little disbelief that it’s been that long.
“Yah these past four months have been h*ll. I pretty much just don’t care anymore.”
I could tell it’s put a weight on his shoulders. All the arguments and picking between me and her has really drained him. He’s not the same free spirited guy I knew. But tonight I saw the light in his eyes again. This very moment in the dark I can feel the light on him. It’s always nice to see him happy and smiling!
“What else are you thinking?” he asked.
‘I want to kiss you’ is what I wanted to say but what really came out was “I can’t tell you.”
“Why not?!” He was getting curious.
“Because it’s wrong and I shouldn’t tell you.”
“I’ve told you a s*** load of stuff that I shouldn’t of. H*ll, we being here shouldn’t be happening.” He laughed.
“Yah but this crosses the line” which it really does. Kissing him should just be out of the question!
*****

After an hour had passed of him begging for me to tell him, another fight broke out with pillows, and then another lay down session, I finally agreed to tell him since it was getting late and I am about to leave.
“You’re not leaving until you tell me darling.” Darling. He always called me darling.
“Well… I just… I-I” It wouldn’t come out.
‘Your daddy’s calling you. Wants to see what you’re up too…’ My phone went off making us both jump. It’s now or never.
“Tell me.” He said again.
“It’s something I might or might not regret though.”
“Just tell me.”

It’s now or never. Regret or not I want this moment. And within a blink of an eye I ceased it.
I got up on my tippy toes and time stopped. My heart sped up and slowed down at the same time. Just as our lips started getting acquainted I had to force myself to pull away, but when I did reality smacked me in the face. He has a girlfriend. He’s my best friend. I just kissed my best friend that has a girlfriend. Where does it go from here? Where do WE go from here? I had a lot of questions going through my mind in which I had no answers to; at least not yet.

I slowly walked to the car where my dad waited when my phone vibrate. I literally felt my heart skip a beat. It felt like one of those moments where anything could be said, but you’re scared of what WOULD be said. “Our little secret,” was the first words, which made my smile fade until it was followed by, “I missed your lips…” I’ve waited for this moment for so long, as well as picturing what would happen. I never expected the conversation we had or the texts he had sent me that night.
They consisted of things like-
“I missed your lips… I missed fighting over pillows and…and… Just being close you.”
“I missed you. I’m really glad you kissed me (: I haven’t felt that happy in so long Dusty. I felt things I didn’t know were possible.”
“I felt like I was falling in love all over again.”

I was practically speechless with replying. How does one reply to that? And what about the girlfriend? Where does she go if she even does go? I couldn’t help but ask.
“What about Cassie”
“I’m ending it with her tomorrow.” He replied bluntly.
*****

He didn’t lie either. The next day he explained what happened.
“I just told her I wasn’t happy with her and I had no more feelings for her. She came over and gave me back my stuff, punched a hole in my wall, then left.”

I didn’t tell him how happy that made me hearing that because I found it quite rude to brag about my victory at winning his heart. But I silently brag to myself. Even if no one can hear it or see the happiness in my eyes I find this as my greatest win. I will be forever victorious with each laughed shared, each second our hands are entangled, the moments that present the electrifying meeting of our lips in the flawless silence, and all the moments in-between.

I begin to think though ‘how do I make this work? I’m still emotionally screwed up from my last relationship and he just got out of one. Where and how does this start? Then it’s our senior year! Do we want the responsibilities of a relationship? This is the year to make things count. No regrets. We have to want this 100% and I’m still unsure if I do, even if I do love him. There’s just so many things that could go wrong and I’m honestly scared. I shared what I was feeling and he knew exactly what to say.
“Lay with me.”