In the 3 weeks I have been here now, I have discovered many aspects of me I had not known. I think lately I’ve leaned in more towards my personal love life. It is crazy to know that you meet dozens of people throughout the course of your week, and it only takes one small thing called “chemistry” between you two to make one of you weak at heart. I think that with my personal heart breaks, I have become hard-hearted, and although it is not necessarily the best thing to be, it has protected me. I have become afraid of feelings, and Love. I’m not “anti-relationships” but ever since James, and John, I don’t fall easily, at least I don’t allow myself to do so. When I moved to Arizona I considered that part of my life to be more open, fun, and farthest from serious. I would have never thought I would have met someone who would make me weak like a little fragile rose in such a little period of time.
When I met him my initial thought wasn’t one that said I was going to pursue him. We exchanged numbers, and as I talked to him his words and the flow of his way of communicating with me attracted me to him. And as we spent time, there was an instant connection I have not felt with anyone, not even James. I literally felt like I have known him for forever. It scared the crap out of me! My friend Brittany one night, as we were walking back to our dorms pointed out that he was flirting with me, and I had not noticed, inside I wanted It to be true, a part of me craved for his interest, but my mind and heart think differently. My heart wanted to believe there was more than just a friendship that could grow, but my mind, neglected with all its force, will, and power the thought of him having even a small percent of interest for me. A part of me now, wishes to have stayed oblivious to the fact that maybe he was flirting. The stage between you and someone you first meet that you genuinely like, were its all innocent and bubbly, and flirtatious, is my personal favorite part. Because you both wonder, you both chase each other, and there is a mystery and although you want to know if that other person is as interested as you are, the truth sometimes hurts. I was not scared to find out if he was interested in me, I was scared that if he was, it would come down to three options, pursue each other romantically, stay in a friend zone and forever “hold my peace,” or depart our separate ways and act as if we were just average individuals who went from strangers, to friends, to maybe more than friends, to strangers again.
Getting to know him so far has been a rollercoaster. He has characteristics that remind me of my brother, and James, while being a whole complete different person at the same time. On the outside, he is funny, outgoing, a joker, lively, bubbly and handsome. His skin is soft, and warm. His eyes are beautiful and every time I look into them, they remind me of my favorite season; Fall. When he looks at me I feel the warmth of his heart, I can distinguish the truth in his soul, and most of the time it’s like it’s only him and I wherever we may be standing. When he stares at me, my heart weakens, my knees feel softer, my body relaxes and my eyes are drawn to him immediately. On the inside, he is as great as he is on the outside. His emotional strength, sensitivity, warm heart, caring nature, confidence, and inner motivation, and strive, are exceptional. Yet he talks as if he is not aware of how great he truly is. I don’t pretend to know his life story details, but from what I have heard, and learned, I respect him, and care for him. And although this may seem like I’m praising him, and may be totally head over heels, I am only speaking the truth of why my heart beats ten times more whenever I’m around him, why I can’t seem to take control when usually I’m on top of everything, and in control of every and any situation. Why it is that he has in less than a month broken walls I’ve built through a period of 4 years, that not even I have been able to break down. I’m scared at not being able to recognize these feelings I feel. I’m scared of the idea, of doing the one thing I have always said I won’t do, fall in love again, and worse with a person who considers me, for a lack of a better word, a BEST FRIEND. The fact that he can open up so easily, and let me into his heart and life make me feel important. And although I know he probably is like that with every girl, from what I have learned from his past, I have grown to admire him and he has slowly grown a certain type of inspiration in me, that I once had and lost with every heart break I’ve encountered. I always thought I would be attracted to someone who would make me feel POWERFUL. And in a weird way he does, he gives me strength through his compliments, the way he looks at me, the way when only he and I are together, and speaks to me, all at the same making me feel like for the first time in my life, he is the one who is taking care of me. Like for the first time my feelings and my wants are much greater than others. Although I love to help everyone who comes in search for my help, he listens to me. He made an effort to make me speak about my breaking points, about my heart aches, and about my pain. Things I have hidden so well in my life that not even I could think about them and cry. It only took him one night, and about 4 hours, for me to open up more than I have with anyone, and for so long. And even though I was aware that I was talking about my life, I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t hesitant, and my heart had complete trust in him.
This all sounds like a dream right? Well, with every dream you have to eventually step into reality, he and I shared a hug, an amazing, unforgettable hug. That then, turned into a kiss, an accidental most perfect first kiss, and the more we kissed the more my body craved it. And then, our bodies turned into lust, and we had a sexual encounter, hot and passionate that happened twice. And that was the end. In three weeks, he touched every part of me that was weak, discovered parts of me that I had hidden, and awakened my thirst for him. He made me revisit parts of my heart that I had neglected, and made a believer out of me when I had lost faith in love. And now I’m sitting here, at 12:52 am writing about what he has done to my heart, my mind, and my body in the course of three weeks. A part of me feels like, he is a player. And my mind shouts to me constantly to run and hide, to take control, and move on. And then I ask myself, how can I move on from something that does not exist? How can I lose something that I have not had? How can I feel so many things, when in reality he is as much as stranger as I am to him?
I don’t know if there is such a thing as “true love,” “love at first sight,” or even “LOVE.” I don’t know if I believe I am deserving of such feelings. And for all I may know, the outcome of this may be a rude awakening or the greatest story I may tell in my future. I leave this in your hands God, I know YOU put him in my path for some reason, and I am aware that timing is key for a relationship of any kind. And all I ask every morning I wake up, and every night I sleep, is that God, you protect me, keep me away from heart breaks, and don’t let me fall, and if you do let me fall, make sure that this guy who is slowly but surely stealing my heart, is there to catch me before I hit the floor. If it is friendship that’s supposed to grow, then turn all of my feelings into that kind of love.

Because so far, all I know is that when I see him, the world stops, I feel butterflies, and my heart skips a beat for him. And for the first time, i'm left speechless. <3