A walk through hell

Lunch time, I dart from sociology to my locker. My heart pounding in my chest, my stomach in knots, I lock my eyes on the floor. Quickly I throw my stuff in my locker as my muscles tense up; I walk into the lunch room. Tears surface as I drag myself along the stretch of the lunch room, each step growing more difficult as I walk away from what I use to have.

Glancing up I see everything, everything that I’m leaving behind to save myself from pain. Their all there, just like before. Glancing up once more I see him, memories flood back to my mind, his touch, his kiss, his look…all painful memories from the past. Memories that once were the very thing that made me thrive, but now kill me inside a little more each day from the thought of them.

My heart grows heavy as I tread on. Emotions rise to a peak of a breakdown, my face grows warm and my nose tingles as love, anger, anguish, heartbreak, and hate spreads throughout my body. The weight of world presses against my heart, I feel as though I’m walking through hell itself. I count each step I take, only twelve more, eleven, ten, nine, eiigh..My mind drifts off back to the past, I clench my teeth and my breathing becomes short but deep. I shake my head because I know I’m in denial.

I remember once being told to write down my past on a piece of paper, to write down my sob story and to re-tell that damn story over and over to the point where I realize that its the past and its not happening anymore, and the day that I understand this, I can throw away that piece of paper and never think about it again. When that day comes all my pain will go away and I can move on to my future.

I come back to reality, easier said then done I softly say to myself. I keep walking; I’m almost there…the place where I can go to forget about all of this. In that place I know she will be there, the one person that has been there for me through everything. She is the one I confide in, she’s the one that can make me smile, and she’s the one that takes all the strength she has to mend my broken heart. She is my best friend.

I reach the end of the lunch room, my head automatically looks turns to look back I jerk it away and lower my head, my eyelids feel heavy, they drop and for a few seconds and I walk there with my eyes closed. During those few seconds it takes every bit of power that I have left to suck it up and put a fake smile on. I fool everyone by putting on a smile and acting as though I’m over things and I’m happy now. On the inside I’m falling apart.

I approach the jewelry room door, my heart is pounding, and my hands are shaking as I raise my arm to the door knob. A flashback appears in my head, to that time when we were together, when he still loved me and we sat together everyday at lunch. The last image I see right as I open the door is him saying “I love you” and kissing my cheek.

I enter the room seeing their smiling faces; all at once my whole world is put back together for a moment, my fake smile emerges, I think to myself I did it, I’m safe now. But the worst part is I have to do this again tomorrow.