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What is Keeping Me Awake...
When I was young I used to hate falling asleep
Because I feared the actions of my nightmares
I would fight to stay awake and turn every light on in my room
Pull the covers up to my chin and squeeze every stuffed animal I slept with
Hoping that would fend off the monsters behind my eyelids
But now I’m more fearful of what is keeping me awake
And it’s funny how that all changed
From finding happiness in lemonade and a simple smiley face
To losing interest in all the things I once loved so deeply
I can’t remember any good days as they have all been overcome with the darkness
The darkness of depression
It can make me cry for hours one night, to completely numb the next
I can fake nearly every emotion in the book
Never say “I’m fine” because people learned that is never true
Always use “I’m good” it is simple and will usually receive the same answer
Depression has taken away every sense of routine
Self-care only comes when the anxiety takes over, and I become manic
I sleep when depression allows it rather that is 3pm or 3 am
I scroll my phone to stop the voices in my head from going too far
I work with kids and animals because my depression has a soft spot
It allows me to feel a simple sense of joy for a portion of my day
Depression is my monster that used to hide behind my eyes
But now it has crept into my brain and it runs the rest of my days
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This piece refers to my growth into depression and that it is constant and ever changing since I was young up until now and how that affect my life today.