If you didn't like whatever I did

If the sympathy of the entire world erupted in this cacophony of whistles and cheers,

That means that my attempt, painted in splotches of your hopes and your dreams,That means that whatever it was

Just wasn't good enough. 

For you, my friend: It was a failed attempt, like voices stuck in a throat–either being weak enough to stay there for eternity or crashing to the floor. And you were a savior in reaching out and speaking about how I needed to take a step back and reflect on the chaos and disruption I caused. Because that meant my entire existence up to this point was a flop down the drain, a timeline leading to this scarring flaw that would mark the rest of human history. Because your mind eclipses all the knowledge in your world, it’s a giant papercut extrapolating all that is righteous and pastels along the lines of ethical

I would trace the contours of your absence with trembling fingers, attempting to sculpt an apparition of you from the shadows you left behind. The air carried the lingering fragrance of our shared yesterdays, this intoxicating blur of joy and grief, inseparable to me.

The raindrops, once witnesses to our shared dance, shattered now as tears poured from me. They whispered secrets and bygone embraces and the laughter that had dissolved like mist in the morning sun, that you poured into the ears and mouths of others. I stood in the middle of this watery symphony, grasping my hands out to clutch a fragment of what was lost.

How you plastered all of this is my fault. How you forced me to waste eons plucking silver hairs from my flesh–just to ponder, “Why?”

Consider how my bathroom ceiling turned into a sobbing sky, with the cracks on the wall as clouds–me as a dying volcano spurting endless amounts of tears, oozing life away.

How I stumbled backwards and laid my hands to the floor, hopelessly, as if banging on it would somehow bring you back here. 

How I watched you turn and walk outside the door. 

How you danced in between the raindrops of our encounters, how you were a wisp of a blurred shadow, pretending to weave our shared moments together. 

Do you ever remember the days that haunted me daily, the ones that tethered to the orbit of your emotions?

Do you recall the slippery echo of laughter in the empty corridors of our heart, how you made my hands bleed scarlet red? 

How you twisted this entire situation with your words like a rope game? 

How if I jumped up to you in excitement of how I did what you commanded me to, you would shake your head and look away in disdain? 

Life with you was a tug of war, depending on how precisely you wanted the dice of this game to be rolled from your rough hands

I hid your blessings tucked into every hollow place of my bones, because they were your bag of bones in the first place.